Mid life meltdown...

[Coracao]

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My life is falling apart in slow motion...I am slowly drifting into the numb stage...My spouse just told me I am not sacrificing enough, and that i should reciprocate with better MCAT results, the hard work the family is putting for me to do my thing.
I am not only insulted about the accusation of not trying hard enough, but hurt because this how I am seen in his eyes...weak, unfocused and doubtful.
I wish I could cry and let all the frustration out and be done with it already! Instead I'm letting this get to me...feeling like a failure..when I know I am furthest from it.

Are you spouses suppose to make us feel like $hit?

Sorry about the negative post, I am usually a happy one, but today is not a good day!

 

[jd221b]

As much as we all want our spouses to be that perfectly supportive type, the truth is that it doesn't always work that way. My wife goes through cycles of what your describing. She comes from the school of pressure makes perfect and doesn't always understand the negative impact of having that kind of pressure in an area that you have no control over. It's usually because she's stressed out herself. Instead of fighting back (very tempting) focus on what you can do. The truth is he needs support for the stress that all this is causing too. Get to the bottom of his feelings by asking genuine questions and avoid getting defensive. If you don't have it in you (nobody blames you) then call in some relief in the form of family to relieve some of the stress. If that's not available take turns relieving each other while you get a massage, and he goes and hangs out with his buddies.

Stress brings the best of us down eventually, diffuse it now and try to build a routine where both of you get some maintenance relaxation.

 

[mafunk]

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time.
'
In terms of your spouse.... perhaps you can tell him that you are putting forth your best effort and will get the best MCAT possible for you.

Explain to him that you can not control what your final score is, but you can control the effort you put in. Ask him what he considers to be a 'good effort' (eg how much studying time, etc).

Then also explain to him that encouraging words will likely help you succeed more than performance pressure.

 

[curt656]

I feel for you, I really do! While it sucks that he thinks that you are not putting forth maximum effort, I think you should be glad that he is at least telling you what he thinks. My wife tends to not tell me anything, pretending that all is well and lets me on my merry way until she blows up in a great heaping ball of fire. I am left sitting there like a schmuck because I had no idea. I wish she would tell me when something is bothering her much sooner so I can remedy the situation before she lets a bunch of pent up anger turn into resentment.

That being said, if you feel you are giving maximum effort then you need to let him know that you are doing everything you can. Perception is a tricky thing. Often, the perception is incorrect and there is a great misunderstanding that can be corrected with proper communication. On the flip side, many times there is truth in these perceptions and you really can take steps to improve.

I know everyone is different, but I would rather a partner who tried to push me for the better rather than sit there and criticize me or just going with the flow. Just going by what you are saying, it sounds like your partner wants to see you realize your potential and perceives that you need a little motivation, he just may have sounded like a d!ck while trying to do it.

 

[Prncssbuttercup]

Hmmmm... hmmmm... hmmmm... Some female perspective for you:

Firstly, no our husbands should not make us feel like crap. I hope this is not a recurring theme. If it is, we have bigger issues than what he said today. If it doesn't happen often, that's good.

Secondly, remember YOUR value. Do NOT allow your value to be based on what others think or say about you. Your value is based on how YOU feel about you. Other people's shortcomings are usually why they feel the need to lash out at those of us they perceive to be smarter/etc. Do NOT allow yourself to fall into this trap. You have value to you, your husband, family, etc... it is NOT based on his opinion

Thirdly, make sure you remember that he may also be stressed out and is reacting to some stress that he isn't fully communicating with you. This could be coming out in mean/hurtful words. We are in marriages to have support, but it goes both ways. Maybe he feels ignored lately, or that you're too busy for him because of studying for the MCAT. I understand, my family (no kids, mom, dad, husband, siblings etc) were a bit put off when I told them the MCAT was more important that them...

All in all, remember your value comes from within, it isn't given by others, keep your chin up, and don't let negative nancy's get you down... Additionally, talk to your husband, tell him how his comments made you feel "I was very hurt/etc by this comment..." etc... and discuss what is going on with him...

Wishing you the best

 

[Coracao]

Thank you all for your kind support, its very well received! Yes he really is extremely supportive, too much I think (he wants me to apply everywhere, even the other side of the country!) not a problem if I didn't have 4 litle ones to consider leaving! But yes this IS a recurring problem, one I have told him not to do. It is not the way to get anyone motivated. I'm already under a lot of pressure between the test, kids, home, now I have to worry about his insecurities. I think he needs to do this to make him feel like the big guy, the one who's got a thumb over the wife. I have done nothing but wife and mom duties for the last 10 years, now all of the sudden things are changing, I'm volunteering (over night EMT, 911 responder), made more friends, have more texts coming through the phone...not fair, and such the wrong approach! I truly do not deserve this.

SBB I do value myself a lot, reason why I know my capabilities and the enormous force I have within to accomplish. It is unfortunate and disappointing my spouse thinks this way of me. As far as him being ignored...far from it, I'm those types that need to feel skin😉, and enjoy the company anytime.
hank you for your support, and yes..chin is up!

 

[Coracao]

As much as we all want our spouses to be that perfectly supportive type, the truth is that it doesn't always work that way. My wife goes through cycles of what your describing. She comes from the school of pressure makes perfect and doesn't always understand the negative impact of having that kind of pressure in an area that you have no control over. It's usually because she's stressed out herself. Instead of fighting back (very tempting) focus on what you can do. The truth is he needs support for the stress that all this is causing too. Get to the bottom of his feelings by asking genuine questions and avoid getting defensive. If you don't have it in you (nobody blames you) then call in some relief in the form of family to relieve some of the stress. If that's not available take turns relieving each other while you get a massage, and he goes and hangs out with his buddies.

Stress brings the best of us down eventually, diffuse it now and try to build a routine where both of you get some maintenance relaxation.

Sounds great but I'm at the point I just don't want to ask any longer. I have been asking him for the last 3 weeks now, what the problem was...while reminding him, that this issue was taking away my focus...he finally broke and decided to spill it today. So yeah I'm done asking...I will instead study an let him get off his mighty horse whenever he wants my company again. Souds like your wife and my husband share the same principles...torturing the poor MCAT stressed spouse for no apparent reason

 

[Coracao]

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time.
'
In terms of your spouse.... perhaps you can tell him that you are putting forth your best effort and will get the best MCAT possible for you.

Explain to him that you can not control what your final score is, but you can control the effort you put in. Ask him what he considers to be a 'good effort' (eg how much studying time, etc).

Then also explain to him that encouraging words will likely help you succeed more than performance pressure.

I guess maybe I could put in a little more effort, cause obviously its just not enough for the scores I need, so he is right about that...he is wrong on his approach. We need support and positive reenforcement. I do not need to feel like crap because his efforts are higher than mine, I feel like crap on my own because of my performance to the test...thank you very much!

 

[Prncssbuttercup]

You don't need a 45, you just need a score that gets you in....

 

[Coracao]

I feel for you, I really do! While it sucks that he thinks that you are not putting forth maximum effort, I think you should be glad that he is at least telling you what he thinks. My wife tends to not tell me anything, pretending that all is well and lets me on my merry way until she blows up in a great heaping ball of fire. I am left sitting there like a schmuck because I had no idea. I wish she would tell me when something is bothering her much sooner so I can remedy the situation before she lets a bunch of pent up anger turn into resentment.

That being said, if you feel you are giving maximum effort then you need to let him know that you are doing everything you can. Perception is a tricky thing. Often, the perception is incorrect and there is a great misunderstanding that can be corrected with proper communication. On the flip side, many times there is truth in these perceptions and you really can take steps to improve.

I know everyone is different, but I would rather a partner who tried to push me for the better rather than sit there and criticize me or just going with the flow. Just going by what you are saying, it sounds like your partner wants to see you realize your potential and perceives that you need a little motivation, he just may have sounded like a d!ck while trying to do it.

He really does wants me to do well, I believe that, but I honestly doubt he feels I need motivation. That my friend is something I do not lack. I know what I want and am trying my best to get it, while balancing the rest of the world. The difference here is that this time i am also trying to do something JUST for me, not including the family (unlike the past).I think he perceives this as a threat leading him to state I am out of focus and distracted. Yeah I'm out of focus with everything else because of the test!

Ah and traditional students think they have problems!!!! Bless us ALL non-trads!!!!! Lts keep our chins up and support each other in this crazy dream we all have.

Thank you for the support, its nice to share the same feelings, even the bad ones...i am not alone...thank u!

 

[jd221b]

Wow sounds like your husband is going through the exact opposite of what I am. I've been encouraging my wife for years to do more just for herself because she often sacrifices her sanity for the kids and the family. She's
not there yet but she's getting better. Now I'm asking her to transition from being a stay at home mom to supporting me through medical school. She's overall on board and very supportive. But anxiety and insecurity about her changing role and the road that we're on overwhelm her sometimes. It sounds like you're aware of the deeper issues and that they take time to sort themselves out. Counseling is probably in order if he doesn't know how to talk about his feelings productively. You might have to rope him and drag him in, but that's okay. Just start training with the lasso.

Hang in there.

Sounds great but I'm at the point I just don't want to ask any longer. I have been asking him for the last 3 weeks now, what the problem was...while reminding him, that this issue was taking away my focus...he finally broke and decided to spill it today. So yeah I'm done asking...I will instead study an let him get off his mighty horse whenever he wants my company again. Souds like your wife and my husband share the same principles...torturing the poor MCAT stressed spouse for no apparent reason