Moving without your SO for med school

[danib2k15]

I'm sure I can't be the only person who is moving while their SO remains where they are and I guess I thought it might be nice to have a support thread. I already talked to my SO about it and he is committed to staying with me and figuring it out. He even said he might move eventually. It's all up in the air, which is to be expected given that we have no idea what will happen in a few months let alone a few years. I am really happy that we're going to try to make it work but it's hard. I love him so much but obviously this has been my dream and I won't compromise that for anyone. How are the rest of you dealing with this?

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[parachichi]

I'm not coping well at all. I'm not even sure if I want to join this thread because my current tactic is to push the whole subject out of my mind. SO has said that he doesn't want to do long distance, but I think he's also entertaining the idea of moving. It depends on where I end up, and I'm still waiting on final decisions that could sway my current plan. He also wants to go to grad school soon, and there are only a few places that offer the program he wants. I'm basically twiddling my thumbs til the end of March when hopefully I'll know what's up on the med school front and we can start having practical and not theoretical conversations about it.

 

[sharpstickie]

My SO is married to me. She's down to go wherever I go

 

[mimelim]

In my experience and watching my classmates/colleagues...

#1 Most long distance relationships fail. I will not postulate as to why this happens, I'm sure there are dozens of places elsewhere on the internet to look for that.
#2 Medical training stresses relationships, especially those that are long distance. This is largely because of the simple fact that your time is not your own. You do not set your schedule most of the time and it makes phone dates or get togethers difficult.
#3 Dreams and goals SHOULD change. It is not weakness to change. That does not mean that YOU should change. But, as a general rule going forward, it is not not weakness to change your career goals/aspirations because of a significant other. Obviously, it is a delicate balancing game, but inability to change can be as dangerous as compromising one's dreams.

All of that having been said, there are plenty of people in medicine and not who have made it work. I got married at 23 in the middle of medical school, spent a fair amount of time apart during medical school/residency and am soon to celebrate our 7th anniversary.

#1 Communication - Duh. But, more so now than ever. Even if it is a simple morning text or whatever, it goes a long way.
#2 Be up front - Expectations should be laid out by both people, but the time constraints of training need to be understood by everyone.
#3 Always prepare for the worst - Do not commit to things that you can't make. Do not commit to 6pm phone calls if you are supposed to be done at 5pm. Better to surprise people with things being better than they were thought to be than be disappointed when things fall apart.
#4 Always hope for the best

 

[danib2k15]

I'm not coping well at all. I'm not even sure if I want to join this thread because my current tactic is to push the whole subject out of my mind. SO has said that he doesn't want to do long distance, but I think he's also entertaining the idea of moving. It depends on where I end up, and I'm still waiting on final decisions that could sway my current plan. He also wants to go to grad school soon, and there are only a few places that offer the program he wants. I'm basically twiddling my thumbs til the end of March when hopefully I'll know what's up on the med school front and we can start having practical and not theoretical conversations about it.

Ain't that the truth. I am into a wonderful top 20 school but am waiting on two other amazing schools both of which are in cities that my SO would prefer. It's not even close to 100% he'd move and four years distance is a long time. Similar to your SO, his career is very location-specific. Everyone always says, "if it's meant to be, it will be" but that doesn't actually help with the anxiety.

So sad that this is something I should be SO excited for (and I am). As if this process needed anymore anxiety, am I right? More waiting and seeing *sigh*

 

[danib2k15]

In my experience and watching my classmates/colleagues...

#1 Most long distance relationships fail. I will not postulate as to why this happens, I'm sure there are dozens of places elsewhere on the internet to look for that.
#2 Medical training stresses relationships, especially those that are long distance. This is largely because of the simple fact that your time is not your own. You do not set your schedule most of the time and it makes phone dates or get togethers difficult.
#3 Dreams and goals SHOULD change. It is not weakness to change. That does not mean that YOU should change. But, as a general rule going forward, it is not not weakness to change your career goals/aspirations because of a significant other. Obviously, it is a delicate balancing game, but inability to change can be as dangerous as compromising one's dreams.

All of that having been said, there are plenty of people in medicine and not who have made it work. I got married at 23 in the middle of medical school, spent a fair amount of time apart during medical school/residency and am soon to celebrate our 7th anniversary.

#1 Communication - Duh. But, more so now than ever. Even if it is a simple morning text or whatever, it goes a long way.
#2 Be up front - Expectations should be laid out by both people, but the time constraints of training need to be understood by everyone.
#3 Always prepare for the worst - Do not commit to things that you can't make. Do not commit to 6pm phone calls if you are supposed to be done at 5pm. Better to surprise people with things being better than they were thought to be than be disappointed when things fall apart.
#4 Always hope for the best

Thank you for this. I need to face the reality of this situation which I think I am, for the most part. I am cautiously optimistic because there is no other way to go down this path haha. The pointers definitely seem obvious but are so helpful to have spelled out.

 

[virchow?]

I'm basically twiddling my thumbs til the end of March when hopefully I'll know what's up on the med school front and we can start having practical and not theoretical conversations about it.

RETWEET.

 

[whatever5]

In my experience, long distance relationships work out when there is a time frame for when they will no longer be long distance. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years with 1.5 of those in the middle being long distance, and still going strong.

 

[parachichi]

Ain't that the truth. I am into a wonderful top 20 school but am waiting on two other amazing schools both of which are in cities that my SO would prefer. It's not even close to 100% he'd move and four years distance is a long time. Similar to your SO, his career is very location-specific. Everyone always says, "if it's meant to be, it will be" but that doesn't actually help with the anxiety.

So sad that this is something I should be SO excited for (and I am). As if this process needed anymore anxiety, am I right? More waiting and seeing *sigh*

Right?? I'm accepted at Loyola Chicago which is a school that I loved on interview day, and my SO would prefer Chicago. But I'm waiting to hear back from two Top 20s, and I went to a good undergrad so I'm a bit of a prestige *****. I just want to make the right decisionnnn. And if it weren't for this little complication I would be so stoked for school.

In my experience, long distance relationships work out when there is a time frame for when they will no longer be long distance. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years with 1.5 of those in the middle being long distance, and still going strong.

I think that's also a possibility, which eases stress a little.

 

[piii]

Solidarity OP. My SO and I will be doing 4 years apart for med school. The only thing you can do is try. If it's meant to be, it'll work out.

 

[danib2k15]

Solidarity OP. My SO and I will be doing 4 years apart for med school. The only thing you can do is try. If it's meant to be, it'll work out.

And we're gonna haha. he has a very demanding job and works 14+ hours a day. The way I see it, neither of us will have time to breathe let alone date

 

[Oranges2]

I've been fortunate to be accepted to medical school in the same city as where my SO and I currently reside, and we will most likely be living together during my time at med school, but I'm STILL scared that it will be an extremely rough ride for us (even though we've been together for 5 years)

 

[TickTockxx]

We're both applying this cycle and it's so scary awaiting our decisions in March Hopefully we can get something in the same city!

 

[danib2k15]

We're both applying this cycle and it's so scary awaiting our decisions in March Hopefully we can get something in the same city!

oyy, do you guys have a decent amount of overlap, location-wise?

 

[Pagan FutureDoc]

I'm already in med school but, this has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm an MS-1 and my wife is an MS-4. It's gonna be really rough on us if she doesn't match some place close.

 

[pageantry]

My SO and I had to decide whether he was going back home to Australia or getting married and coming with me to med school.

We decided to break up.

It really really sucks but it was just too much pressure for either of us this early in the relationship. I'm glad he left last week so hopefully the sting will be gone by the time I have to decide where to go. And I'm glad I can decide what's best for me without having to consider anyone else's opinion.

But I'm still in the crying all the time stage. What can I say. BOO.

BOO HOO.

 

[JLT223]

The one thing I wouldn't do is to pick a school based on what you think your SO would prefer. This is your journey. Go where you will be happier.

 

[danib2k15]

My SO and I had to decide whether he was going back home to Australia or getting married and coming with me to med school.

We decided to break up.

It really really sucks but it was just too much pressure for either of us this early in the relationship. I'm glad he left last week so hopefully the sting will be gone by the time I have to decide where to go. And I'm glad I can decide what's best for me without having to consider anyone else's opinion.

But I'm still in the crying all the time stage. What can I say. BOO.

BOO HOO.

So sorry to hear that but you have SO MUCH to look forward to. That is the one positive, we have so many exciting (albeit challenging) experiences coming our way! You will find someone great who better suits you and your lifestyle I can feel it!

 

[danib2k15]

The one thing I wouldn't do is to pick a school based on what you think your SO would prefer. This is your journey. Go where you will be happier.

Totally agree - this decision is critical and huge. They are not a guaranteed (unfortunately) but you are mostly guaranteed to be at a school for four years haha

 

[parachichi]

My SO and I had to decide whether he was going back home to Australia or getting married and coming with me to med school.

We decided to break up.

It really really sucks but it was just too much pressure for either of us this early in the relationship. I'm glad he left last week so hopefully the sting will be gone by the time I have to decide where to go. And I'm glad I can decide what's best for me without having to consider anyone else's opinion.

But I'm still in the crying all the time stage. What can I say. BOO.

BOO HOO.

Oh @pageantry, I'm so sorry. I totally understand the bolded part; even though SO and I have been together for almost three years, I think we'd both like a little more time before committing completely. I've been watching The Bachelor lately and it's giving me nightmares about trying to find the love of your life on a tight timeline lol. Your freedom to make your own decisions is so huge though, and I think in time you'll realize you made the right decision.

The one thing I wouldn't do is to pick a school based on what you think your SO would prefer. This is your journey. Go where you will be happier.

My SO's best friend, who is one of my friends now, keeps repeating this to me. Lol. I'm listening.

 

[pageantry]

So sorry to hear that but you have SO MUCH to look forward to. That is the one positive, we have so many exciting (albeit challenging) experiences coming our way! You will find someone great who better suits you and your lifestyle I can feel it!

That is really sweet of you to say!
Before we got together, I was enjoying channeling relationship energy into friendships and hobbies and work. So I think even if I don't find anyone any time soon it will be just fine. Idk. It's just hard.

 

[danib2k15]

That is really sweet of you to say!
Before we got together, I was enjoying channeling relationship energy into friendships and hobbies and work. So I think even if I don't find anyone any time soon it will be just fine. Idk. It's just hard.

Breakups always suck, no matter how much they need to happen. You grow so close to the other person and it feels like a loss. You both made a tough decision which is ultimately for the best. Doesn't make you feel any better after the decision is made though Look forward to your bright future at medical school. There will be plenty of guys around who are in awe of your intelligence, perseverance, dedication and compassion!

 

[pageantry]

You guys are great.

 

[danib2k15]

I've been fortunate to be accepted to medical school in the same city as where my SO and I currently reside, and we will most likely be living together during my time at med school, but I'm STILL scared that it will be an extremely rough ride for us (even though we've been together for 5 years)

I'm already in med school but, this has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm an MS-1 and my wife is an MS-4. It's gonna be really rough on us if she doesn't match some place close.

Just goes to show that it will always be a nerve-wracking part of life, not even just for aspiring medical professionals
Worth it though when it is the right person

 

[TickTockxx]

oyy, do you guys have a decent amount of overlap, location-wise?

Potentially! It's all up in the air right now until we hear back from more schools! Being a cheap bus ride away is good enough, I think

 

[trini818]

In my experience, long distance relationships work out when there is a time frame for when they will no longer be long distance. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years with 1.5 of those in the middle being long distance, and still going strong.

I definitely agree with this. I was in a long distance relationship all through grad school (5+) years, but we knew that once I was finished, we could be together. I found a postdoc where he was and we have been living together for almost three years now. I am very lucky that he is willing to give up his six figure salary to move with me for medical school.

 

[medhopeful82]

So glad this thread was created! My SO and I are getting married at the end of May right before I begin med school. We'll either be 7 hours apart for the 1st year and then he'll move or if I get into the school in our current city we can stay together!

We have a very strong relationship and we did long distance for 1 year of undergrad so I know we can do it but I'm scared that the stress and time commitment of med school will effect our relationship negatively. I'm lucky he is so supportive though! He's been reading tons of blogs about how to be a good husband to a med student

 

[Imperius]

Honestly, I have no idea what will happen. My SO is finishing up undergrad and is going into the Marines, so we knew that distance was coming anyway before I got into med school. It's going to suck, but we are just going to see how it works out once we are apart.

 

[virchow?]

The one thing I wouldn't do is to pick a school based on what you think your SO would prefer. This is your journey. Go where you will be happier.

I think this is good advice for someone who just started dating someone or someone who doesn't see a future with their SO. If you have made permanent commitments to your SO and have their well-being (and perhaps even that of your family) in mind, this is not just your journey. Most people who find themselves in this situation feel an obligation to their SO.
It is (relatively) easy to decide if you are the only one in the equation, but that doesn't mean you should be the only one in the equation. Obviously everyone feels differently though.

Follow your heart, OP. It sounds like it's leading you in the right direction.

 

[Danbo1957]

 

[BamaNicole]

I'm actually in this situation. My husband is still in california and I'm in another state for school. Its hard and its really awful at times. However, he's understanding and we are committed to building out lives together. That includes my education. With that in perspective, a few years apart is nothing in comparison to the rest of our lives together.

 

[fancymylotus]

@Kaustikos and I did three long distance years. It is doable. It's just not easy. And I spent a godawful amount of money on airplane tickets


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

 

[Bones 2020]

Mine is starting her dream job in Alaska, while I start school this fall on the west coast. I think we're just in denial at this point

 

[maybedeadcat]

My SO works in a field that is in high demand and is very mobile, location-wise. So he plans on trying to get a job wherever I decide to go to med school (!) but I feel so bad stringing him along until the end of the cycle. He's so nervous about finding a job, even though I know he'll be able to find one. I'm just worried he'll have to commit to a job before I'm finished waiting on wait lists :/

 

[loconoko]

Wow. Bless this thread. Tough situation-I've only been in this relationship officially for about a year and a half and while I'm not going across the country it's far enough that I worry that we just haven't gotten to the point where it's feasible to stick it out.

Gonna be an tough March/April when the conversation happens- I'm hopefully but I don't want to commit to something that will immediately fall apart.

 

[40323431]

La la la la la I'm not listeningggggggggggggggg.

I'll face this in April.

 

[Tenk]

Advice for anyone: if this person is someone you can see marrying or are married to, it can work. Set aside time outside of school and make sure your SO has a job to suck a lot of time away.

If this person is not someone you intend to marry, end it before med school starts. If you are unsure, end it. You'll thank me when you aren't breaking up with someone right before your anatomy exam. Your career is more important than a fleeting love interest.

 

[danib2k15]

Wow. Bless this thread. Tough situation-I've only been in this relationship officially for about a year and a half and while I'm not going across the country it's far enough that I worry that we just haven't gotten to the point where it's feasible to stick it out.

Gonna be an tough March/April when the conversation happens- I'm hopefully but I don't want to commit to something that will immediately fall apart.

I've been in my relationship for a year and a half too. We are both very seriously committed to each other. Don't measure it in time but in how you feel! Also, I may actually end up across the country and at the very least, a 4.5 hour plane ride away soooo... lol. My attitude is to not put too much pressure on us. Maybe give it a chance so at least you know you tried everything? I know it's scary and in some ways, it would be easier to have a fresh start but I think if you do care about them, it never hurts to try and go from there

 

[danib2k15]

Mine is starting her dream job in Alaska, while I start school this fall on the west coast. I think we're just in denial at this point

Oyy this is tough. I've seen people make some crazy things work, like long distance PhDs (for about 6 years). You never know!

 

[loconoko]

I've been in my relationship for a year and a half too. We are both very seriously committed to each other. Don't measure it in time but in how you feel! Also, I may actually end up across the country and at the very least, a 4.5 hour plane ride away soooo... lol. My attitude is to not put too much pressure on us. Maybe give it a chance so at least you know you tried everything? I know it's scary and in some ways, it would be easier to have a fresh start but I think if you do care about them, it never hurts to try and go from there

That's my mindset right now. Obviously going in optimistic and hoping for the best, but at the same time really thinking about the stress this will cause. We care about each other a lot and it seems silly to just throw it away without seeing if it could work out. But the realist in me sees other relationships crumbling and is internally screaming LOL.

 

[danib2k15]

That's my mindset right now. Obviously going in optimistic and hoping for the best, but at the same time really thinking about the stress this will cause. We care about each other a lot and it seems silly to just throw it away without seeing if it could work out. But the realist in me sees other relationships crumbling and is internally screaming LOL.

Pretty much how I felt before I talked to my SO, and now this feeling comes and goes at times when the anxiety hits. Sometimes the realism mindest helps to make me feel a little less vulnerable to the hurt that might come

Also, when I did talk to him, the convo went like this -
Me: So, are you going to be done with me when I go to medical school?
Him: *looks at me like I'm insane* I'm not going to break up with you because you're going to medical school!

So. needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised given my pessimism. Also, I completely blurted this out and he had no warning, whoops.

 

[NickNaylor]

Didn't read most of this thread, but I have personal experience in this matter so I'll throw in my thoughts (though I agree completely with @mimelim's post).

Most long-distance relationships that were going on in my med school class ultimately failed, and pretty quickly. There's only one guy in my class that I can think of whose long-distance relationship survived the gauntlet of medical school. Most crashed and burned within the first 6 months of medical school and the remainder by the end of first year. I don't tell you that to discourage you - just to be realistic.

It's tough because you will likely grow close to some of your classmates. You will share that experience - your frustrations, feelings of defeat, feelings of accomplishment, commiseration, etc. - with them that you can't necessarily share at the same level with your SO, unless he's also in med school. Hell, this is true even if you're living with your SO. I imagine it can be difficult to stay connected when the main thing that you're doing takes a bunch of your time but you're unable to share that experience, at least superficially, with your SO. On the flip side, you glow close to the people that you do share that experience with, which might make you want to be with some of those folks...

I'm not a fan of long-term relationships, but if you'd like to give it a shot then go for it. I would just be realistic. I think it's an easier thing to do in med school than in college since you have theoretically matured a bit. But based on my experience the odds are stacked against you. It can work, but you need to be dedicated to the relationship first and foremost. You and your SO need to understand that it will be difficult at times to have long conversations or visits depending upon how busy you are with school or how busy he is with whatever he's doing. You need to understand and expect that unless you're an academic freak, the vortex that is med school will pull you away from just about anyone that isn't right in front of you, at least until you get your feet on solid ground and get with the groove. You both need to accept that and be willing to deal with it - something that I've found the partner that isn't involved in medical training is ok with initially until they see how it works in reality.

Good luck.

 

[JLT223]

Didn't read most of this thread, but I have personal experience in this matter so I'll throw in my thoughts (though I agree completely with @mimelim's post).

Most long-distance relationships that were going on in my med school class ultimately failed, and pretty quickly. There's only one guy in my class that I can think of whose long-distance relationship survived the gauntlet of medical school. Most crashed and burned within the first 6 months of medical school and the remainder by the end of first year. I don't tell you that to discourage you - just to be realistic.

It's tough because you will likely grow close to some of your classmates. You will share that experience - your frustrations, feelings of defeat, feelings of accomplishment, commiseration, etc. - with them that you can't necessarily share at the same level with your SO, unless he's also in med school. Hell, this is true even if you're living with your SO. I imagine it can be difficult to stay connected when the main thing that you're doing takes a bunch of your time but you're unable to share that experience, at least superficially, with your SO. On the flip side, you glow close to the people that you do share that experience with, which might make you want to be with some of those folks...

I'm not a fan of long-term relationships, but if you'd like to give it a shot then go for it. I would just be realistic. I think it's an easier thing to do in med school than in college since you have theoretically matured a bit. But based on my experience the odds are stacked against you. It can work, but you need to be dedicated to the relationship first and foremost. You and your SO need to understand that it will be difficult at times to have long conversations or visits depending upon how busy you are with school or how busy he is with whatever he's doing. You need to understand and expect that unless you're an academic freak, the vortex that is med school will pull you away from just about anyone that isn't right in front of you, at least until you get your feet on solid ground and get with the groove. You both need to accept that and be willing to deal with it - something that I've found the partner that isn't involved in medical training is ok with initially until they see how it works in reality.

Good luck.

Great post.

 

[deleted407021]

My GF and I've been together for almost a year, and we're contemplating marriage and I would absolutely spend my life with her and she with me. We currently live in the same town, but she's moving to PT school this summer and I could be one of two places -- 6 hours away in a different time zone, or 2.5 hours away in an adjacent city. I'm hoping for the latter.

We're going to long distance and try to see one another as often as possible, watch Netflix over Skype, etc.

It's scary though. We love each other but I'm so afraid of growing apart.

 

[haaaaaaaaaaveyoumetted]

@pageantry I feel ya... a 1.5 year relationship just ended for be because our paths were diverging and it was way too early to make decisions based on each other. It really sucks when timing/geography, the things you can't control and can't compromise for someone yet, are the reasons. If you want to talk, I'm in the "I'm distracting myself with friends and hobbies" boat right now too

 

[ridethecliche]

Solidarity OP. My SO and I will be doing 4 years apart for med school. The only thing you can do is try. If it's meant to be, it'll work out.

I can't even begin to say why I think this line is so self defeatist and bogus. Yes. Magical 'work-out' forces will decide if a long distance relationship, or any relationship really, will keep going or cease to exist.

 

[GreenScrubss]

Yup, mine is committed to staying in the state with her fourth year rotations she has to finish, where I am moving a few states over. I believe I am coping well however its not July/August yet. My SO is already kinda freaking out.

I dont believe long distance works.

 

[ArizonaVet480]

maybe you will find another SO

 

[danib2k15]

Yup, mine is committed to staying in the state with her fourth year rotations she has to finish, where I am moving a few states over. I believe I am coping well however its not July/August yet. My SO is already kinda freaking out.

I dont believe long distance works.

One day at a time, meh. Just gotta see what feels right and what works with your lives

 

[piii]

I can't even begin to say why I think this line is so self defeatist and bogus. Yes. Magical 'work-out' forces will decide if a long distance relationship, or any relationship really, will keep going or cease to exist.

lol you're fun