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Must ..... kill .....husband.

yaah

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    jeff2005 said:
    My husband is thowing a fit about my rank list. And I HAVE made concessions - major ones. The whole thing is making me physically ill. Any suggestions? :(

    Shut him out. :smuggrin:

    Throw it back at him - ask him why he cares so little for your happiness. That may be an exagerration, but it gets the point across!
     
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    xanthines

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      I can put you in touch with somebody who knows somebody who knows a guy who can helps ya out. ;)

      -X

      jeff2005 said:
      My husband is thowing a fit about my rank list. And I HAVE made concessions - major ones. The whole thing is making me physically ill. Any suggestions? :(
       

      cytoborg

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        Wow, I'm sorry, that is really hard. Maybe just try to get him to explain his reasoning about why he doesn't like it and try to address those specific concerns. Then explain why the ROL is good for you and hence good for both of you.

        Good luck.
         
        B

        b&ierstiefel

          SEriously jeff, I thought you and your husband settled this a long while ago. And given the fact that you mentioned Iowa is #3 on your list, I would have assumed that things were more or less peachy. :confused:
           

          stormjen

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            I guess I'm really lucky; my husband and I think similarly about most things, plus he'd rather me be happy than he be happy. And because he wants me to be happy, I'm even more likely to change my list to ensure that he stays around to keep making sure I'm happy. Or something like that.

            Making the ROL is hard enough without a spouse causing problems. When it comes down to it, this is your career. He's not the one who will have to show up at the hospital every day. Making major concessions, as you put it, is more than enough. Be strong, girlfriend!
             

            jeff2005

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              AndyMilonakis said:
              SEriously jeff, I thought you and your husband settled this a long while ago. And given the fact that you mentioned Iowa is #3 on your list, I would have assumed that things were more or less peachy. :confused:

              we had settled it, but it didn't last.

              My husband:

              week1: "There is no way in HELL I'm going to Iowa"
              week2: "OK, I'll go to Iowa."
              week3: "NO WAY IN HELL I'M GOING TO IOWA!"
              week4: "I'll go to Chapel Hill"
              week5: "I don't want to go to Chapel Hill!!"

              To be fair, I've done a lot of flip-flopping myself. But, come on!

              He did said that he'd like to go to Charleston, SC (MUSC). I actually really liked that program, but I think it may limit me if I want to leave the South/Southeast. He says,"Well if you're concerned about being limited, why won't you go to WashU or MGH?!"


              Must....kill....husband.
               

              jeff2005

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                AndyMilonakis said:
                SEriously jeff, I thought you and your husband settled this a long while ago. And given the fact that you mentioned Iowa is #3 on your list, I would have assumed that things were more or less peachy. :confused:


                How is Iowa being #3 peachy? It's my favorite program! Granted, i could still match there, but that's not for sure.

                I consider putting your favorite program third to be a MAJOR concession. Even though he actually thinks it's fourth. Heehee! :smuggrin:


                AndyMilonakis said:
                just give him a *BONK!*


                i gave him a bonk last night. It didn't help.
                 
                B

                b&ierstiefel

                  jeff2005 said:
                  How is Iowa being #3 peachy? It's my favorite program! Granted, i could still match there, but that's not for sure.

                  I consider putting your favorite program third to be a MAJOR concession. Even though he actually thinks it's fourth. Heehee! :smuggrin:
                  A major concession indeed...but I thought things would've quieted down after that. Guess not. Andy wrong again!

                  jeff2005 said:
                  i gave him a bonk last night. It didn't help.
                  Bonk him again! Bonk him again!
                   
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                  PathOne

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                    A pillow over the head while he's sleeping. Hold tight.
                    As any FP will tell you, it's almost sure to work as a charm: No ligature marks on the neck, and a pretty small chance of petechiae. MedEx/Coroner will most probably rule sudden but natural death - happens not infrequently in otherwise healthy youngish males. Go figure.

                    Other than that, there's probably more behind the flip-flopping than meets the eye. Sounds like you have options in a lot of geographical areas - there must be one or two of them that would work!?
                     

                    bananaface

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                      Have you talked to him about how you feel about his behavior and told him that you are becoming physically ill as a result of the stress it is causing?

                      It sounds as if you already did your best to make your rank list best fit both of your needs. And, after all of that negotiation and concession, I can see why you are frustrated by him rearranging his opinions on you.
                       

                      Pingu

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                        What you need to do is videotape him in a compromising position while having him agree to let you rank iowa (or whatever program you want) number one...you can achieve this with crotchless panties and a garter belt...plus a video camera..viola proof that he agreed to your rank list plus the threat that if he dissents you will show it to people.
                         

                        LADoc00

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                          I chose to go with the most prestigious residency I could swing and ended up leaving my SO back at my med school finishing up her MD/PhD. To make a long story short, we ended up breaking up due to distance. If I can add some words of wisdom, no residency program is worth leaving someone you love. I have fantastic credentials and would burn them all without a second thought to have that woman back.

                          This crap isnt worth it, you cant see that now, but you one day you will. +pity+
                           
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                          Pingu

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                            The problem is that my husband (like jeff2005's) goes back and forth between "I'd live there" and "I'd rather live in the slums of calcutta than there" How the heck can we make a decision if they can't make up their frickin mind? Plus I know my husband will enjoy living at either of my top choices, but he is largely resistant to change initially. Once there, he will be happy...it is the exact same situation I had before we moved for med school
                             

                            delchrys

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                              the flip-flopping makes me think he is resistant to moving for reasons other than the particular target area. perhaps he is insecure about you having a "high" career (some see medicine as glorious or prestigious), and this is his way of trying to control or mitigate in some way. of course, from three posts, one can't tell JACK SHIZZLE, so i could we way off.

                              two questions: what difference does it make if you get into a "great" program or into a "mediocre" program? were you planning on being the #1 specialist in the world, or do you just want to do a good job? there seems to be a lot of emphasis on how "good" a program one gets into, but in the end, if you learn how to do your job, what's the difference, unless you're looking to get into an uber-competetive fellowship afterwards?

                              second question: what if he decided he wanted to change jobs and move away to some new job location? would you go? of course not, because you "can't" (i'm NOT ripping on you here, just trying to create some perspective). many med students think that their match trumps the partner's career and lifestyle needs/wants. why? if you can get into a program that is in a place he can enjoy living, then why would your need or want to get into a specific program be more important than his wants or needs?

                              again, this was and is NOT a rip, i swear. i'm genuinely curious, because i may be facing similar issues soon.
                               

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                                delchrys said:
                                what difference does it make if you get into a "great" program or into a "mediocre" program? were you planning on being the #1 specialist in the world, or do you just want to do a good job? there seems to be a lot of emphasis on how "good" a program one gets into, but in the end, if you learn how to do your job, what's the difference, unless you're looking to get into an uber-competetive fellowship afterwards?


                                That's a good point. I found that most of the things I thought were important when I interviewed turned out to be less important after I'd been at the program a while. By making a rank list, you've weeded out the programs you didn't like and are left with ones you will be happy at. You will get good training at any of those if you work hard.
                                 

                                Pingu

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                                  My two top choices are places he would enjoy living...actually all of my programs are places he previously stated he was willing to move because when we did my application he vetoed some cities and thus I only applied to the ones that were approved by him.

                                  I can't speak for anyone else, but I know my husband's reason for flip-flopping has to do with him being a homebody and not liking to move or change his routine. When we moved for med school, all he said for the first 2 years was "i hate city x, this place sucks, I can't believe you made me move here and on and on ad nausea" Now I hear "why do we have to move, I love city x, why are you doing this to me"

                                  Some of the reasons I want to go to my top choices aren't just prestige...I felt very comfortable there and felt that the faculty and residents would 'have my back' so to say. There were programs I didn't feel this way at.

                                  If he wanted to move to someplace and we were not encumbered by a residency training program, I would consider it. It would depend on his reasons and what situation we were in but I definitely wouldn't veto it.
                                   

                                  delchrys

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                                    i guess it will come down to a balancing decision on your part, then, whether you want to or not. first stage is deciding which is more important--his present-tense ostensible happiness or your desire to go to a program you want? the second stage is about whether you will be happy with your first stage decision--will you resent him so much it destroys your happiness as a result if you limit yourself for him (which a partner should never have to do for the other, and which a partner should never ask their S.O. to do for them), or will you leave him and go do your thing, only to regret it, or will he grow up and step outside his little comfort zone to explore life with you?
                                     

                                    Pingu

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                                      i guess it will come down to a balancing decision on your part, then, whether you want to or not. first stage is deciding which is more important--his present-tense ostensible happiness or your desire to go to a program you want? the second stage is about whether you will be happy with your first stage decision--will you resent him so much it destroys your happiness as a result if you limit yourself for him (which a partner should never have to do for the other, and which a partner should never ask their S.O. to do for them), or will you leave him and go do your thing, only to regret it, or will he grow up and step outside his little comfort zone to explore life with you?

                                      A lot of our decision has to do with the fact that my husband doesn't know what he wants right now, but he most definitely knows what he wants in the future. Thus, I feel we should apply my preferences now since I agree with what he wants in the future. My husband grew up in a very very sheltered enviroment (small town) and thus the real world has a tendency to freak him out on occasion. I grew up in a city and to me, moving is an adventure. We've been through this before and he is ALWAYS resistant to new situations (this is a guy who didn't want to get a DVD player because he was so used to VHS) but once in the situation thrives.
                                       
                                      B

                                      b&ierstiefel

                                        yaah said:
                                        Marriage is supposed to be a compromise but it seems like an awful lot of marriages are pretty one sided in this area. :( Too many people consider a compromise as "you agreeing with me."
                                        speaking of marriage, have you proposed to L yet? :laugh:

                                        repeat after me - gels and blots are FUN!
                                         

                                        bananaface

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                                          yaah said:
                                          Alternatively, STFU can be followed by *BONK!* that way you have the chance to solve the problem non violently. Gandhi used this technique.
                                          Gandhi didn't advocate *BONK!*ing anyone. :rolleyes: I like to *TWEAK* people's noses. It can be substituted for *BONK!* if you are not in the mood.

                                          If he is still flip flopping, maybe you need to talk about why he likes or dislikes certain loacations, and kind of judge for yourself which of his reservations are the most serious.
                                           
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                                          b&ierstiefel

                                            bananaface said:
                                            Gandhi didn't advocate *BONK!*ing anyone. :rolleyes: I like to *TWEAK* people's noses. It can be substituted for *BONK!* if you are not in the mood.
                                            Blasphemy!

                                            The *BONK!* is the real ultimate power! There is no substitute.

                                            There is only one question in life: To *BONK!* or not to *BONK!*, that is the question.
                                             

                                            SLUsagar

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                                              Doctor B. said:
                                              When faced with such situations with my wife, I repeat the following mantra:

                                              Happy wife, happy life.

                                              Repeat until the correct decision is made.


                                              agreed!!! but in your situation jeff2005, you gotta do what makes YOUUUUUUUU happy! Pick the place your heart desires, not nec. what most "ideal"....
                                              (w/o sounding too mushy i hope)... :rolleyes:

                                              ps, is your hubby's name jeff?
                                               

                                              yaah

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                                                AndyMilonakis said:
                                                speaking of marriage, have you proposed to L yet? :laugh:

                                                I don't think she likes me dude. I was down there talking to Dr R (autopsy guy) and I ran into them again and she wasn't really all over me.

                                                banana said:
                                                Gandhi didn't advocate *BONK!*ing anyone. I like to *TWEAK* people's noses. It can be substituted for *BONK!* if you are not in the mood.

                                                Sure he did! It is one of his lesser known theories.
                                                 

                                                jeff2005

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                                                  Thanks for all the support and advice guys. :thumbup: My husband and I worked out my rank list to be the following:

                                                  MUSC
                                                  UNC
                                                  Iowa
                                                  WashU
                                                  U Alabama
                                                  MGH
                                                  Utah
                                                  Yale
                                                  Jefferson

                                                  I made concessions, but all is peaceful on the homefront. Goodluck to all of you with similar problems.

                                                  P.S. Jefferson has a great program. I'm just putting it last because I'm looking for a change.
                                                   

                                                  jeff2005

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                                                    delchrys said:
                                                    two questions: what difference does it make if you get into a "great" program or into a "mediocre" program? were you planning on being the #1 specialist in the world, or do you just want to do a good job? there seems to be a lot of emphasis on how "good" a program one gets into, but in the end, if you learn how to do your job, what's the difference, unless you're looking to get into an uber-competetive fellowship afterwards?

                                                    second question: what if he decided he wanted to change jobs and move away to some new job location? would you go? of course not, because you "can't" (i'm NOT ripping on you here, just trying to create some perspective). many med students think that their match trumps the partner's career and lifestyle needs/wants. why? if you can get into a program that is in a place he can enjoy living, then why would your need or want to get into a specific program be more important than his wants or needs?

                                                    .

                                                    This is the husband. jeff2005 let me read this string. I just wanted to thank you for your perspective. It seems noone else believes my wants and desires matter.

                                                    While I have this chance to interject I would like to make a few points.
                                                    1.The major consession my wife made in her rank list was to put her second choice first, her third choice second and her first choice third. I, on the other hand have only asked that my fifth choice and not my seventh choice be first. My top four are not even in the running. I would say that is a major consession.
                                                    2. I moved here and have lived here for seven years because it was where she wanted to go to school. I never wanted to live here, but never complained or objected.
                                                    3. For those who have said "it is your career. You're the one who has to go to the hospital every day..." I am also the one who has to live there for the next five years. That should count for something.

                                                    I only ask that all you dont think I am some selfish jerk who only cares about how this impacts me. However, this is my life to. I deserve to have input into it.

                                                    Now go ahead everyone and launch into me
                                                     

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                                                      MoosePilot said:
                                                      To the OP and spouse - ya'll don't need to bring your discussion here.

                                                      Why not? As someone who is about to embark on the same journey, and in the same situation, it is helpful to hear from others in the same situation. :thumbup:

                                                      Jeff, tell your husband that, for what it's worth, I think he has some very valid points. The thing that really sucks for medical students, unlike the "real world",
                                                      we look for programs that we really love; and then, without any explanation, we are told to report to Hospital XXX -- one that we, perhaps, only find satisfactory.

                                                      The real irony: they make us BELIEVE that we have a choice ( the hospitals are in a similar predicament ), when in reality it's just the luck of the draw. The sad truth is that you may rank Hospital XXX number 20, only to discover in March that it's your home for the next 4-10 years!

                                                      Anyway, good luck to both of you. BTW, I drove through Iowa City recently -- have you noticed the distinct sound of banjos in the air? Scary! :laugh:
                                                       

                                                      MoosePilot

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                                                        mosche said:
                                                        Why not? As someone who is about to embark on the same journey, and in the same situation, it is helpful to hear from others in the same situation. :thumbup:

                                                        Jeff, tell your husband that, for what it's worth, I think he has some very valid points. The thing that really sucks for medical students, unlike the "real world",
                                                        we look for programs that we really love; and then, without any explanation, we are told to report to Hospital XXX -- one that we, perhaps, only find satisfactory.

                                                        The real irony: they make us BELIEVE that we have a choice ( the hospitals are in a similar predicament ), when in reality it's just the luck of the draw. The sad truth is that you may rank Hospital XXX number 20, only to discover in March that it's your home for the next 4-10 years!

                                                        Anyway, good luck to both of you. BTW, I drove through Iowa City recently -- have you noticed the distinct sound of banjos in the air? Scary! :laugh:

                                                        Because it's their domestic life, not mine. They don't need to be here giving us both sides of the story as if we can judge. We don't know all the little details of their personal life and don't need to. Seeking advice is one thing, but when both of them present their case, then it's gone too far in my opinion on a public forum.
                                                         
                                                        B

                                                        b&ierstiefel

                                                          MoosePilot said:
                                                          Because it's their domestic life, not mine. They don't need to be here giving us both sides of the story as if we can judge. We don't know all the little details of their personal life and don't need to. Seeking advice is one thing, but when both of them present their case, then it's gone too far in my opinion on a public forum.
                                                          Welcome back to our neck of the woods Moose!

                                                          I have to agree with Moose here; once both sides of the story become broadcasted on a public forum, the issue has taken quite a different turn and it's unclear what we can or should do. Hopefully things will get resolved and the both of them will be happy come Match Day.
                                                           

                                                          mosche

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                                                            MoosePilot said:
                                                            Because it's their domestic life, not mine. They don't need to be here giving us both sides of the story as if we can judge. We don't know all the little details of their personal life and don't need to. Seeking advice is one thing, but when both of them present their case, then it's gone too far in my opinion on a public forum.

                                                            Perhaps this is true. But, to a certain extent, I think we DO judge. I have seen many posts where the OP has been advised to "... do what is best for YOUR career..." ( on various threads, and not just this particular OP). Unfortunately, I believe that those posts are simplistic. After all, there are two people in any relationship; therefore, it is helpful/a welcome insight to see the other side of the debate.

                                                            Ultimately, you are correct: "... it's their...life...". I just think that it adds a little perspective.
                                                             

                                                            stormjen

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                                                              I think this thread was originally meant to give Jeff2005 moral support, and to provide an outlet for her to express her frustrations. Like a diary, the person one is talking about is never meant to read it. I'm sure she would have been more careful in expressing her frustrations had she known her spouse would be reading it.

                                                              At this point, I think everyone has contributed enough, and it's up to those two to work on their personal issues together, not with us.

                                                              So good luck to you two, and I hope you find a place where you are both happy and that also furthers Jeff2005's career. And like a previous poster said, when all is said and done, the computer decides where you will end up. So no sense *bonking* each other over the head over something that you have only moderate control over.
                                                               
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