My friend committed suicide

[stefspets]

Advertisement - Members don't see this ad

I don't typically post much on these forums (I like to lurk), but I need some support right now and since my MCAT is a month away I didn't think anyone else besides other premeds would get where I'm at right now.

My friend of 8 years shot himself last week. There were a lot of reasons why and even though he took responsibility in his note and knew how much his friends and family cared about him, I am feeling a huge amount of guilt. Everyone else seems to accept that there was nothing they could have done, but in my case I don't really believe that. He wanted to be married with kids already (he was 25), and I could have given him that. Irrational since I am married to someone else but that is what I keep thinking. Irrational because I'm going down this crazy path and I wouldn't want more than 1 kid and not for 5 years at least.

I don't know how to sort the pieces of what's left right now. My husband is trying to be supportive but I am in so much pain that it doesn't help. I am taking one class that I can't drop, but that isn't a big deal, I can finish it. My MCAT is in a month and I was already burned out from studying, so how am I going to pull myself together to take it? I don't want to push back the date because it would delay my application and everything else will be complete (I've got my letters of recommendation and all my classes done after this semester is over). I am working a thankless job as a CNA where the only thing I like about it is the patients, but I don't know if I can handle it right now and I don't know if I should stick it out, quit, or try to take a leave of absence. All of this on top of the doctor that I had built a relationship with over the past year dying unexpectedly a few weeks ago.

What should I do? What would you do in my place?

I hope I am putting this in the right place. If not, mods, please feel free to move it.

 

[Pons Asinorum]

You need to avail yourself of the services of your school's counseling group. The feelings you are experiencing are common for the "survivors" of suicide, and something that really, really need the help of a therapist to work through. Please, I can't stress this enough, do not try to do this with just you and your husband. Neither of you have experience in dealing with those feelings. Please get the help you need and don't wait another minute thinking that you can bust through this by yourself. You won't, and will waste time in the process. I wish you the best of luck. You did not cause what happened, and you could have done nothing to prevent it. The responsibility for what happened are solely with your friend.

 

[eablackwell]

I agree with Pons, counseling is definitely the way to go. Last year my guild master (and friend of 4 years) committed suicide, and counseling really helped my friends and me.

 

[beeceeja]

I agree with the previous two posters, you should definately seek counseling. As far as quitting your job or taking a leave of absence, I suggest that first you check out your employer's policies on bereavement leave. Usually it's only offered in the case of losing a family member but a lot of places are starting to extend it to family friends. If bereavement leave isn't an option use vacation days or just call in sick. A week or even a few days off of work will not only give you a much need respite but will also give you time to clear your head and think rationally about the role your job is playing in your life and whether or not it is what's best for you at this time. Then, when you return to work you can decide what you want to do in the long term.
I am very sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[EdLongshanks]

I don't know how to help with the emotional side of this. Actually, I suspect that Father Time is your best friend on that.

But I might have some suggestion on how to give yourself more time. There is little difference, application cycle-wise, between an April and May MCAT. You might have to take the $245 hit to cancel your April MCAT and register for the May 21st test, but the extra month may be worth the money to you.

 

[stefspets]

I decided to reschedule my MCAT for May 7th, that way I can take a break from studying this week and maybe next. I doubt I would be extremely productive anyway. For others who need to reschedule, it was only $60, but that may have to do with how early it is (still more than 30 days from the original test date).

I'll look into counseling at my school. I've been talking to some friends today and that has lifted my spirits a little. In the end, we all face difficult life circumstances but most of us choose to work through them and we get to enjoy better days. I am very sad that he chose not to do that.

 

[Pons Asinorum]

I decided to reschedule my MCAT for May 7th, that way I can take a break from studying this week and maybe next. I doubt I would be extremely productive anyway. For others who need to reschedule, it was only $60, but that may have to do with how early it is (still more than 30 days from the original test date).

I'll look into counseling at my school. I've been talking to some friends today and that has lifted my spirits a little. In the end, we all face difficult life circumstances but most of us choose to work through them and we get to enjoy better days. I am very sad that he chose not to do that.

I wish you the best of luck. You have the opportunity to make the best of life. Your friend, through decisions completely his own, chose not to. Keep talking to friends and understand you can absolutely move past this and learn from it.

 

[catswym]

You need to avail yourself of the services of your school's counseling group. The feelings you are experiencing are common for the "survivors" of suicide, and something that really, really need the help of a therapist to work through. Please, I can't stress this enough, do not try to do this with just you and your husband. Neither of you have experience in dealing with those feelings. Please get the help you need and don't wait another minute thinking that you can bust through this by yourself. You won't, and will waste time in the process. I wish you the best of luck. You did not cause what happened, and you could have done nothing to prevent it. The responsibility for what happened are solely with your friend.

I cannot stress this strongly enough.

 

[jadealer]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. My dad went through a similiar situation a year ago where two of his friends committed suicide and a third friend attempted suicide within a 3 month period. I strongly suggest you seek professional consoling because though my mom,bro, and myself tried to help my dad.. he really benefitted the most from the professional grief conseling offered at his job.

Also, on a side note, DO NOT take the MCAT if you are not mentally "in it to win it". I lost my best friend unexpectedly a month before my MCAT while I was taking a class. I chose to sit for the MCAT even though I was an emotional mess and couldn't concentrate because it was the august exam when they only offered the MCAT twice. I did very poorly and even when I applied years later, my poor MCAT score haunted me. It is better to take time off and regroup even if you delay applying a year or apply a month later than having a poor score. I know from first hand experience.

 

[Quik]

Serious vibes to you and the family of your friend. I too can relate, as I had a friend take his own life recently; his memorial was yesterday. Fortunately I do not have to worry about the MCAT for some time, but I would recommend you talking with a counselor AND taking a bit of leisure time. Go do something fun and really enjoy life, it can be very effective in helping recovery, and taking a break from thinking about your loss. It's very difficult to focus on the tradgedy when you're immersed in something you love to do.

 

[2old4med]

My heart goes out to you and I truly feel your pain. I lost a good friend to suicide nearly 12 years ago. I felt guilty then but I know now that I may have delayed it, but who knows if I would have prevented it. I never sought professional counseling at the time but I was younger and basically felt I could handle it myself. I cried and cried some more. Strangely, he was in my dreams constantly at first and still is occasionally. I can say time helped me but it took a while. Please don't blame yourself. Counseling could help (couldn't hurt). If you have other friends that knew this person, sometimes just sitting around reminiscing about memorable times with the person helps. It hurts, but helps. Also, I tried to get back to "regular" life fairly quickly hoping it would take my mind off of the tragedy.

 

[Torr]

Reaching out is the best thing for you. I can imagine how difficult it is to think of anything other than your friend right now. My friend was killed a month before my first MCAT and I was so shaken up I could barely focus and took it anyway. That was a huge mistake.

I'm very sorry for your loss and for his family as well. Hope you get the time you need for yourself and are able to do well on your upcoming test.

 

[murfettie]

About MCAT:
I was kind of burnt out before the MCAT and hardly looked at the books at all for 3 weeks + before the actual test date. I did one full length two nights before the test... I got 4 hours of sleep before the test date.. I guess I was super tired that I had no energy to stress or even think that much.
Maybe this is a comfort to you even if you don't study much.. I did well. I think.

Also, I took my MCAT in August. Very late, yes. I got into some ivies.
If you push it to a later date.. you might be okay still.

 

[Mindscrew]

its very important for you to do well. get emotionally sound before you write the MCAT b/c a lot of your energy will be sapped otherwise.

I'm sorry for your loss.

mind

 

[NuttyEngDude]

I'll look into counseling at my school. I've been talking to some friends today and that has lifted my spirits a little. In the end, we all face difficult life circumstances but most of us choose to work through them and we get to enjoy better days. I am very sad that he chose not to do that.

if you are still volunteering places, some of them have counseling available for volunteers as well, just another avenue. i offer my sincere condolences.

 

[Prncssbuttercup]

Firstly, sorry for your loss. Suicide is so much harder to accept than a death from a natural cause.

Counseling, YES, please do so... Here's the thing about feeling guilty, yes, you COULD have been married to this man, and had children with him. Those things are true, you could have done this. However, that would likely have left you now a widow with children, and likely would not have been the factor that prevented his suicide. He likely would have found a different reason. He clearly suffered from untreated depression, happy well-adjusted people don't just up and decided to kill themselves because they realize they're 25 and they aren't married with kids. Something was clearly wrong, deep deep deep inside, well beyond the reach of his friends and family. There is NO way you, or anyone else, could have prevented this, short of having him committed, which would likely only have delayed the inevitable.

Some people who get treated for their depression can move on from suicidal thoughts, some people have them all their lives even with treatment but are able to control it, and some people can't escape the feelings even with treatment and choose that road anyway. Two of my husbands friends have killed themselves in the last three years, he still thinks "maybe if I had been there I could have done something" well, possibly (anything is possible) but not likely. Both had turned down legitimate help in the days before they committed suicide, and both chose the path knowing that their friends cared very much for them.

Suicide is the selfish road, the road where the person doesn't care or think about the impact it has on others. It is to end their own pain, regardless of the pain it causes others. He cared about himself, and ending his own pain, you CANNOT hold yourself accountable for this in any way/shape/form.

Tell your professor the situation, explain the whole thing, and ask for an extension if necessary, with your job, talk to your supervisor/manager, and ask what your options are, maybe you can do a week of half days or something like that. When we explain our situations, we are much more likely to get the assistance we need. Best of luck to you, do not let this derail your path. It is a moment to overcome adversity, and it is something that you will be able to draw strength from in the future.

Sorry again for your loss.

 

[airborneinf82]

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how you have been holding things together through this trying time. It is never easy to face the loss of someone that you care about, but try be glad for the wonderful memories you were able to share in the time that you had together.

The best thing for you is to do whatever you need to get through this. If you need people to talk to, talk. If you need time to yourself to put things together, then take the time you need. As selfish as it may seem, the best thing is to do whatever you can for yourself at this point. It is always an incredibly tough thing to go through but as the days go on the pain because a little less. One day you will realize that the feeling of not being able to get through the day will be replaced.

As far as taking your MCAT and preparing for med school, only you can make the call of what to do. If you feel that you can continue on with what you had already been planning, then by all means go for it. But also don't be afraid to take a step back and to take the time that you may need. If this is the choice you make, always remember the med school will still be there next year. Like I said, the important thing is to take care of yourself.

Not that it means terribly much to you probably, but in my own right I can relate with the enormity of your situation having lost friends in Iraq. Trust me when I say that you can make it through this and things will eventually work themselves out for you. Just give it time and do what you need to do for yourself. If you even need to vent, talk, or ask any questions, don't hesitate to do so.

 

[EdLongshanks]

I guess I do have 1 bit of emotional advice.

You regret that you either could not or did not help your friend. Regret is powerful force for both good and evil. It is best taken in small doses. If you are able to restrict it a little and make sure that it doesn't rule your life, then you can become a better person because of it.

Your friend's despair will either drag you down the road to depression, or inspire you to become more compassionate. Which direction you go is up to you.

To misuse a famous poem... "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood."

 

[stefspets]

Here's the thing about feeling guilty, yes, you COULD have been married to this man, and had children with him. Those things are true, you could have done this. However, that would likely have left you now a widow with children, and likely would not have been the factor that prevented his suicide. He likely would have found a different reason. He clearly suffered from untreated depression, happy well-adjusted people don't just up and decided to kill themselves because they realize they're 25 and they aren't married with kids. Something was clearly wrong, deep deep deep inside, well beyond the reach of his friends and family. There is NO way you, or anyone else, could have prevented this, short of having him committed, which would likely only have delayed the inevitable.

I know this is true. The thought did occur to me and it helps. I still miss my friend but at least the guilt has subsided, and that was where most of my pain was coming from. I'm not over it, but I feel better than I did Sunday & Monday, so there's that.

 

[Prncssbuttercup]

I am glad you are doing better. Time heals all wounds, but it still leaves a scar...