- Joined
- Jan 2, 2006
- Messages
- 43
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Hello,
I am in medical school (first year), and ever since I started I have been having increasing doubts about my relationship. I love my partner a great deal (we have known each other since HS, and have been together for almost 4 years, living together for most of that time). We share a home, a pet, and a life together, and the thought of not having him in my life makes me extremely sad. However, I am not sure if we have what it takes to spend the rest of our lives together or not. My problem with evaluating this is that I'm an extremely pessimistic person, particularly when it comes to relationships, so it is hard to know if my doubts are the irrational result of my emotional baggage or if they are legitimate concerns.
Neither of us had good role models for relationships growing up--in fact, they were downright awful (domestic violence, alcoholism, abuse, etc). His mom is twice divorced and currently single, and both his dad and my mom are on their third marriages (don't know my dad). Given this background, it is probably not surprising that we aren't in a huge rush to get married, although it is something we have discussed (along with children) a great deal. I think we are both trying to overcome the models we grew up with, but we don't always succeed--we have yelled, called each other names; I even slapped him once (years ago), and he threw a remote control at me not that long ago. While these aren't daily occurrences, the fact that they have happened at all makes me wonder if we can be healthy together. We have talked about couples counseling, but I almost feel like if we need that now before we're even married, what hope do we have of a happy marriage and well-adjusted children?
It is hard for me to know if our fighting is "normal" or excessive, since I really don't know what that means from personal experience. On TV and in movies, couples rarely argue, and everything is promptly and lovingly resolved. Obviously this isn't realistic, but the abusive people that surrounded me (us) growing up weren't healthy either, so how much fighting is "okay"? I would say we argue on a weekly basis, but most of these are relatively minor disagreements that are fairly easy to resolve and involve little if any shouting; bigger arguments happen maybe every 2 or 3 months. The stress of school has exacerbated this, and we have had several large arguments just in the 6 months or so since I started med school. I feel like he is generally supportive, but not as much as he could be, and I don't feel like he really understands the pressures I am under at school (he is still in undergrad). I have always been plagued with doubts about this and past relationships--basically I never feel 100% secure about the person I am with, and am very sensitive and emotional which makes it difficult to get along with a partner.
I have never been one of those Pollyanna types who feels like each day is better than the next in her relationships--do people actually feel that way in real life? I'm pretty cycnical, when I hear people talking about how their partner fills them with a blissful joy they never knew was possible and things like that I tend to think they're full of it--but maybe I'm the one who's wrong, and that's how you should feel about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend makes me happy most of the time, and our relationship has been a source of comfort, stability, and hope for me over the years--hope that I can have a normal marriage and family someday despite my background. We've traveled extensively together and had a lot of fun, and we're very compatible as far as things like money, religion, politics, etc. go, but we've also had our ups and downs, sometimes some pretty nasty ones. I feel like we're at a point (both in our mid-20's, several years into a relationship) where if we're not sure we want to spend our lives together we should call it quits and move on; I'm not ready to do that yet, but I'm not sure about marriage with this person either. I guess I'd just like to hear what people think, as far as arguing goes (how much is healthy) and how to decide if you're with the right person or if you're stuck in a bad relationship. I know there's no magic formula, but it would be helpful to hear what people think, particularly how they've made these decisions (to get married, or to end it) in their own relationships. How do you know (or how did you know) when you're with "the One", even if it's not perfect (since nothing is), and when you're settling and putting up with too much?
I am in medical school (first year), and ever since I started I have been having increasing doubts about my relationship. I love my partner a great deal (we have known each other since HS, and have been together for almost 4 years, living together for most of that time). We share a home, a pet, and a life together, and the thought of not having him in my life makes me extremely sad. However, I am not sure if we have what it takes to spend the rest of our lives together or not. My problem with evaluating this is that I'm an extremely pessimistic person, particularly when it comes to relationships, so it is hard to know if my doubts are the irrational result of my emotional baggage or if they are legitimate concerns.
Neither of us had good role models for relationships growing up--in fact, they were downright awful (domestic violence, alcoholism, abuse, etc). His mom is twice divorced and currently single, and both his dad and my mom are on their third marriages (don't know my dad). Given this background, it is probably not surprising that we aren't in a huge rush to get married, although it is something we have discussed (along with children) a great deal. I think we are both trying to overcome the models we grew up with, but we don't always succeed--we have yelled, called each other names; I even slapped him once (years ago), and he threw a remote control at me not that long ago. While these aren't daily occurrences, the fact that they have happened at all makes me wonder if we can be healthy together. We have talked about couples counseling, but I almost feel like if we need that now before we're even married, what hope do we have of a happy marriage and well-adjusted children?
It is hard for me to know if our fighting is "normal" or excessive, since I really don't know what that means from personal experience. On TV and in movies, couples rarely argue, and everything is promptly and lovingly resolved. Obviously this isn't realistic, but the abusive people that surrounded me (us) growing up weren't healthy either, so how much fighting is "okay"? I would say we argue on a weekly basis, but most of these are relatively minor disagreements that are fairly easy to resolve and involve little if any shouting; bigger arguments happen maybe every 2 or 3 months. The stress of school has exacerbated this, and we have had several large arguments just in the 6 months or so since I started med school. I feel like he is generally supportive, but not as much as he could be, and I don't feel like he really understands the pressures I am under at school (he is still in undergrad). I have always been plagued with doubts about this and past relationships--basically I never feel 100% secure about the person I am with, and am very sensitive and emotional which makes it difficult to get along with a partner.
I have never been one of those Pollyanna types who feels like each day is better than the next in her relationships--do people actually feel that way in real life? I'm pretty cycnical, when I hear people talking about how their partner fills them with a blissful joy they never knew was possible and things like that I tend to think they're full of it--but maybe I'm the one who's wrong, and that's how you should feel about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend makes me happy most of the time, and our relationship has been a source of comfort, stability, and hope for me over the years--hope that I can have a normal marriage and family someday despite my background. We've traveled extensively together and had a lot of fun, and we're very compatible as far as things like money, religion, politics, etc. go, but we've also had our ups and downs, sometimes some pretty nasty ones. I feel like we're at a point (both in our mid-20's, several years into a relationship) where if we're not sure we want to spend our lives together we should call it quits and move on; I'm not ready to do that yet, but I'm not sure about marriage with this person either. I guess I'd just like to hear what people think, as far as arguing goes (how much is healthy) and how to decide if you're with the right person or if you're stuck in a bad relationship. I know there's no magic formula, but it would be helpful to hear what people think, particularly how they've made these decisions (to get married, or to end it) in their own relationships. How do you know (or how did you know) when you're with "the One", even if it's not perfect (since nothing is), and when you're settling and putting up with too much?
The idea of "One" is a bunch of hogwash we feed to our kids in the form of fairy tales and silly Hollywood movies with unrealistic endings. 
I lose interest very easily...
