Need Encouragement/ Advice/ Feeling Super Down :(

[Karen4317]

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Hi Everyone,

I guess I would just start by saying that I could really use some advice/ virtual hug/ encouragement right now 🙁

I think ever since I started medical school, I have felt super behind. I had to remediate my first and third semester. I was going to take COMLEX Level 1 and step 1 at the end of my second year but did not feel confident at all to take my exam (also wanted to do well to make up for my past failures), so I pushed it back to third year (...only to have it pushed back to early June of this year, thanks Covid). I am currently finishing up "third year," but barely feel like it. Because I was balancing level 1 studying with rotations, I failed two comat exams. My school policy states that we can retake failed comat exams once, so I am planning on doing that, but my most recent concern has come from the fact that I think I failed my most recent comat as well (I will find out for sure tomorrow). I am not fully aware of what our retake policy is, but I am really praying that if I did fail, my school will allow me to retake all three exams. We have to meet with the progress committee at our school if we fail three exams, and I am terrified of this meeting and what they will say. Passing a COMAT exam is not a requirement for passing a clerkship, but our exam grades do appear on our MSPE, I really cannot afford another failure on my transcript.

On top of all of this, I have yet to take step 1, level 1, step 2, level 2, and my PE exam. I feel like a complete failure and such a loser. I don't even know how I am going to be applying to residency in just a few months from now when I feel like I am at such a low point in my life. I can honestly say that I have never felt as if I have been in such a dark place before. I feel alone, scared, and angry at myself for not sucking it up and finding a solution to all of these issues earlier. I feel like the hole I dug myself is so deep that it is nearly impossible to succeed now. All of my friends are generally doing pretty well in school, so I never brought up my failures to them. Only my family knows and I don't want to stress them out with all of this right now, especially since everybody is dealing with their own problems right now. On one side, I do feel well prepared for COMLEX 1 and step 1.

I also know that, if I am able to successfully finish school, I will be an amazing doctor. I have a great heart and these failures have all taught me even more empathy through feeling vulnerable all the time. I also want to add that medical school changed me in a bad way. I was always such a fun, bubbly, social person (which is why I feel like I would be so good w patients!), but all of my failures have put me in such a dark place, I don't even feel like myself anymore. I am so sorry for all the negativity/ self pity, but if anybody has any stories of hope, words of wisdom, please share them below!

 

[LatteColoredDO]

So I felt like this during my first year of medical school; it worsened to the point where I had suicidal ideation and began thinking about ending it. I'm hoping you're not experiencing that but I also had similar feelings: my friends were doing way better than me on exams, I would study for hours and feel like nothing was going inside my head, I felt depressed and alone compared to my usual self.

I actually started seeing a psychiatrist because what I knew I felt like was not okay. I felt down and it impacted all parts of my life. I received treatment; while medication for these kinds of things is sometimes looked down upon, it was honestly a lifesaver. Maybe something like an SSRI or psychotherapy can help adjust your focus and lift your spirits to do better in school and ace your boards.

I'm about to be a fourth year right now and I promise you it will get better; just make sure you aren't suffering alone.

 

[Karen4317]

Thank you so much, I think you are right, it might be time to seek professional help, but it is so refreshing to see someone on the other side of all of this ☺️☺️ Good luck with everything!! Gluing through what you did and being able to share it with me is just one of the few things that will make you a great physician!

So I felt like this during my first year of medical school; it worsened to the point where I had suicidal ideation and began thinking about ending it. I'm hoping you're not experiencing that but I also had similar feelings: my friends were doing way better than me on exams, I would study for hours and feel like nothing was going inside my head, I felt depressed and alone compared to my usual self.

I actually started seeing a psychiatrist because what I knew I felt like was not okay. I felt down and it impacted all parts of my life. I received treatment; while medication for these kinds of things is sometimes looked down upon, it was honestly a lifesaver. Maybe something like an SSRI or psychotherapy can help adjust your focus and lift your spirits to do better in school and ace your boards.

I'm about to be a fourth year right now and I promise you it will get better; just make sure you aren't suffering alone.

 

[TenaciousX]

Sending virtual hug 🙂!

First, I want you to know that it is okay to feel the way you do, you're not alone and people believe in you and that you can succeed. Your family, friends, the med school committee, and dammit count us fellow SDN'ers in too! I'm a 3rd year med student who struggled through depression, a long-term breakup, and an acl injury while barely passing my exams the 1st year of med school. I have major respect for anyone who goes through med school.

It sounds like you've been going down a dark spiral these past 2 years with no light in between and now your behavior has changed possibly into depression. I'd like to reiterate what @LatteColoredDO said and consider trying an SSRI. Depression can make the world seem gray and retreat into yourself, and it can be a dark, dark place. I've been there, and i'm sure many of us have been there too. Maybe an SSRI can normalize your neurotransmitters and help you focus again. Also, if you can find that one empathetic friend/family member, that can really help you let your tension and thoughts out.

Moving forward, it sounds like you know what you have to do (you feel prepared for step 1). If you can tackle each test, one at a time, and build momentum, you can climb out of this "hole." Don't compare your journey to other med students. Life hits us all in different ways, and that is okay. I'm sure your bubbly personality will return when you accept and become happy with yourself again. Also, please hold onto that great heart of yours. Your family, friends, and future patients will appreciate you for it.

 

[Mass Effect]

I failed out of med school. I'm an attending now. Does that make a difference? You're not a failure or a loser. You're just having trouble. You're not alone. Many of us have been there (believe me, you should see my inbox).

Please see a therapist and/or a psychiatrist to help you through this.

 

[JSReed]

The positivity on this thread, particularly in the midst of covid, is literally exactly what we need right now.

OP, FWIW you 1000% come off as an extremely positive and extroverted person. Exams show your ability to learn, understand, and sometimes apply facts related to medicine. They are not an indication of your character, identity, or value in this world.

The following is literally my life-blood, hopefully it helps you too.

 

[jurassicpark]

Everybody fails at times, and failures do not define us. You are not alone in this. But what you need to do is figure out WHY. To have gotten to where you are, you are obviously an intelligent and driven person. Somewhere, something is not clicking. Please take advantage of whatever tutoring or counseling services your school has to offer. Talk to someone!

You need to sit down and assess what's going wrong. Are you freaking out over the volume of material and not studying it enough in depth? Missing the connections? Your friends and family will be your strongest assets at this time.

Reach out to them, you are NOT a burden to them. Your friends may be able to help you find out what you're missing, if they don't know you're struggling they won't be able to help. And believe it or not, some of them may be exactly in the same situation you are and hoping someone will notice and help.

When things go south we have a tendancy to let things go and pile up, you need to space out and attack mountain of work you are building up before it falls ontop of you in an avalanche.

So please, reach out. Ask for help, you are NOT and need NEVER be alone. A lot of us have been where you are, and it's perseverance, grace, friends and support that got us out.

Reminds me of that story from the West Wing :

"This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."

 

[Karen4317]

Thank you all so much. To be able to share so much about what has been bothering me on the inside and to get such heart filled responses from all of you, I can’t even describe how much it’s helped me ❤️

 

[esob]

It's ok to feel overwhelmed and behind, most of the people I know that are normal human beings in medical school do. What is important is to speak up when you feel that way like you are doing now. Your school likely has counselors that are well versed in med student burnout/frustrations that could also be very beneficial to have a conversation with. Just remember that you wouldn't be here if you weren't already smart enough and it's completely ok to reach out for professional help so that you can stay grounded and continue to be of service to future patients.

 

[anthony78001]

sending a virtual hug 🙂

weve all been frustrated and challenged in med school whether it was academically or in our personal life
most of us thought that we wouldnt make it at some point or another
keep fighting change your study habits if you think you need to

if this is what you want to do keep fighting make it happen

you got this !!! youll be fine !!!