Needing to vent 2/2 overstressing

[SexPanther]

So, I'm really stressing about the rank list due in a week. I really loved several programs (UNC, Vandy, Mayo-Scottsdale, Stanford) and would be happy at all.

However I am married with a wife who currently makes a great living in our home town in the midwest. There is a residency here; it's a smaller program that does see a good # of cases, average didactics, definitely not well known.

Here's the dilemma: professionally, I think that I would be better off at some of the above institutions. In terms of my wife/future family the small midwest program is probably the way to go - wife w/great job, own house, friends/family/support network (will hopefully have kid on the way soon).

Ultimately, I'll probably be fine no matter where I end up b/c I will take whatever steps necessary to become the best DOA laugh: ) I can be. I just don't want to look back in 20 years thinking I wish I would've gone to UNC, etc. I also don't want my wife to be miserable b/c I've taken her away from everything she loves.

Anyone else been faced with the same decision? How did you decide on the route to take?

TIA.

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[nutmegs]

so... how does your wife feel about one vs the other? given the theme that you can't have it all, if you want kids, you might want to rethink your residency ambitions as having the family around will be huge. on the other hand, if the two of you together (this is what we opted for) are willing to put ourselves out there for a few years (and you're truly in it together) then go for it.

 

[bubalus]

Mixing 2 careers is a very difficult thing, and this is just the start of it.

Can she find another comparable job in any of the cities you're looking at?
If you do choose to start a family, what implications will that have for her job and your job? Will those implications be different should you move? How much worse is the stress going to be after you start a family? Having a support system can be quite valuable in times like that.

I think you need to be at a program where the 2 of you will be happy overall. That doesn't mean you have to be happy with everything, but if you're not happy, it's going to stress your relationship. Likewise, if you're wife's not happy, it's going to stress your relationship. There's going to have to be some compromise. The important thing with regards to residency is that you pass your boards and get good enough training to be competent. You can always do a fellowship should you feel the need--either to strengthen a relatively weaker portion of your training, for the overall experience, or if you want to come out of a better known place.

You and your wife should have a very frank discussion and ask her how she would rank all the programs where you've interviewed. The two of you need to think about all aspects of your life, e.g., do you really want to leave your own home and try and make ends meet at Stanford? Other things to consider include what you're going to do in 4 years, what she's going to want to do in 4 years, and what options you'll have at that time. Talking to the 3rd years at the various programs about their job searches may be helpful. In the end, the choice you make will be part of a package--residency training, lifestyle, economics, spousal opportunities, family, etc. You may have to take a hit in one area to improve another area.

I could have gone to a better known program, but there were several reasons that made my program the better overall choice. My wife and her needs and wants are a large part of that. We're happy with how things have turned out. I'm getting good training at a program that's respected in my area of the country, and I have no doubt I'll pass my boards. I'd rather have my life like it is now than be at UCSF or MGH.

Choosing a residency is kind of like losing your virginity. You don't really have annything to compare it to, so you don't know how good (or bad) it is. If you train at your local program, you'll never be able to know what your life would be like if you had trained at UNC, and vice versa. So in my opinion, it's best to dismiss those kinds of thoughts right away. They aren't going to be productive and will worsen the stress the 2 of you have. Make the choice that's best for all involved and be happy with it.

 

[DreamLover]

I wish I had some sage advice but I'm in the same situation and it's looking to be one of the toughest decisions I've had to make thus far. I wish you luck. The way I am going about it is to take everything into consideration and just like that 2nd test I took in organic chemistry like 10 years ago (it doesn't matter now what I got on it...it just seemed to matter a whole lot at the time....) 20 years from now I don't think it will matter so much where I trained as long as I had good training and am successful in what I do. My fingers are crossed for a successful match for all of us...we deserve it

 

[bigdan]

Happy wife = happy life.

dc

 

[badgas]

Those are all extremely nice areas and your wife will learn to love them.

 

[Duckie24]

Happy wife = happy life.

dc

So true. My wife and I had "the talk" regarding all of this just a week or so ago. I think others above have provided great advice already. I don't think in the long run it matters a great deal where you train as I'm sure all of the places you are considering provide excellent education and will serve you well. Because of that, I think for you it will probably come down to intangibles. Can't say too much about having family and support around, especially if a baby is on the way.

The best thing is you won't know the difference in the long run anyway. Best of luck making the decision.

 

[abot411]

i am a big fan of picking where you will be happiest. and where you will happiest is where you have support and a loving family. i am speaking from experience. i am a med student at a top 10 med school that is VERY intense. as i am not intense, i sort of fell to the bottom of the class and became miserable because i was not an a** kisser or didn't study 24/7 (i preferred to hang out with friends outside of med school). plus, i didn't have much support throughout med school, because i decided to choose name over ultimate happiness/comfort. though what i learned didn't suffer, i didn't get the best interviews for residency, even though i had the name to back me up, while friends at lesser named programs are doing quite well with interviews.

bottom line = if you are happy, you will excel wherever you go. and if you want to further your connections, there is always the option of the fellowship. not being you, i can't say what makes you happy. but if you feel you would be happiest with you current situation, then i would go there.

 

[pillowhead]

sent you a pm.

 

[SexPanther]

Thanks for all of the responses guys, very insightful. I think I know what I need to do. Good luck in the match....one week

 

[ketafol]

Can tell you what I did. I am a DO applicant. Got some awesome interviews and many of them. Went on 22. After my last one, I came to the realization that none of them really excited me that much. In the end, I ended up prematching with a very clinically solid though not terribly well known program in a ****ty city in the midwest. A city that I happen to originally be from. I knew I would be happy there because I would receive solid training and be near my family and good friends, all at the same time having a very cheap cost of living. At first I kept telling myself, I dont care if I move, since it is only for four years. But in the end, how much should I have to sacrifice? Four years of undergrad, four of med school. I am done. I plan on practicing near where I grew up, so I dont think residency prestige will play too much of a part. I know I can be a stud anywhere, and sometimes being a big fish in a little pond is a great place to be. Go with your heart, in the end you wont regret it. Good luck.

 

[amyl]

OP, you can do what i did...someone give on this one and someone give on the next one. if she goes with this time you have to next time or vice versa. I only applied to one medical school because it was close to my husbands business...now when residency rolls around he has to go where I want. then no hard feelings...we both sacrificed for each other

 

[GasMan72]

<<<I think you need to be at a program where the 2 of you will be happy overall. That doesn't mean you have to be happy with everything, but if you're not happy, it's going to stress your relationship. Likewise, if you're wife's not happy, it's going to stress your relationship. There's going to have to be some compromise. The important thing with regards to residency is that you pass your boards and get good enough training to be competent. You can always do a fellowship should you feel the need--either to strengthen a relatively weaker portion of your training, for the overall experience, or if you want to come out of a better known place.>>>

I think this sums it up perfectly. Happy wife=happy life. There is always fellowship if you need more training. And who knows at that time where her career will be.

EJ

 

[johankriek]

So, I'm really stressing about the rank list due in a week. I really loved several programs (UNC, Vandy, Mayo-Scottsdale, Stanford) and would be happy at all.

However I am married with a wife who currently makes a great living in our home town in the midwest. There is a residency here; it's a smaller program that does see a good # of cases, average didactics, definitely not well known.

Here's the dilemma: professionally, I think that I would be better off at some of the above institutions. In terms of my wife/future family the small midwest program is probably the way to go - wife w/great job, own house, friends/family/support network (will hopefully have kid on the way soon).

Ultimately, I'll probably be fine no matter where I end up b/c I will take whatever steps necessary to become the best DOA laugh: ) I can be. I just don't want to look back in 20 years thinking I wish I would've gone to UNC, etc. I also don't want my wife to be miserable b/c I've taken her away from everything she loves.

Anyone else been faced with the same decision? How did you decide on the route to take?

TIA.

dude stay where you are.. You wont ever be wondering what if I went to UNC... or anything like that.. If you are confident and pay attention anywhere you go will be good.. so you wont wonder.. and you will have a happy wife and family..... i went to a lower tier program because i wanted to stay in the area.... i was board certified within 9 months of graduating.. and I think im more confident than big name grads.. so its all who you are.. and i dont feel deficient in any area..

 

[Duckie24]

Welcome to the show fellas, but rank lists were due almost a week ago now!

 

[SexPanther]

Welcome to the show fellas, but rank lists were due almost a week ago now!

Thought the exact same thing, but I do appreciate the advice even if its a little late. You can see by my rank list that I went against most of it though. Turns out my wife doesn't really want to stay in the midwest, she was just scared of the unknown. Gotta admit, I am too (a little).