New with stupid question. Humor me Please. Long Post.

[contessas]

Please forgive my ignorance. I am hoping that someone out there can lend some practical and helpful guidance.

My situation is this:
Going to graduate school in prominent big city.
Husband goes to school across the country in a small college town. Good school.
This city I live in is the general area where we both grew up.
The particular city I live in is one I love. I see my life here. I can't tell you how important this is to me (and my husband as well).
Problem?
The Match.
Literally Only a handful of hospitals in the area for residency (yes, I know difficulty in getting in depends on the specialty, but lets say he's interested in internal for competitivenes's sake)
The program (all of them for that matter) is notoriously difficult to get into due to so many reasons. So are the programs in the neighboring area.
His stats are good academically and performance, making his connections with the heads of his rotations that know people at the school to vouch, etc.- but I heard that doing all that really only does so much....

If the school knew that his spouse was fully engrossed in her education in that very city, that we have ALL our family in the area, that we both grew up in the area, that we want to work and serve in the community and give back to that area, and I am working in a very prominent field in this city (like one of the things the city is known for), and will STILL be in graduate school by the time he starts residency, will they even consider that?

Like some of the other posters I just began a long distance marriage after supporting my husband in the first years of his medical school. I'm sure the institution and hospital at his current medical school is great, but the area was NOT diverse nor metropolitan, and I didn't really feel "the love" from the community. I could never live there. He could never live there. Being away from each other is indescribable after forging a such a strong relationship through these past years. This has been the toughest thing we've ever felt in our lives.

Here, where I'm currently at, in this lovely city, I have a history, and am beginning to plant firm roots in my career, and in my opinion, I can see both of us (I already am building that foundation) would make significant contributions to our field as well as the local community because we are so invested and loyal to the area and our careers.

So I have a few questions, but first I'll ask a really stupid one.

1. Would it help if I wrote a letter to the program? From a spouse? Please don't scoff and snicker...If only you knew how much my heart is breaking right now. If I was working on an MBA in public administration, and that city was known for its politics, and I had a profile of an upstanding member of the community that made it clear that I would eventually take public office....or an anchor woman, or a well known...whatever... and asked them to consider not breaking us up so we could both build our lives in this city....

Obviously a letter not as frazzled as this posting...It's late.

Would anything make a difference? Besides the obvious matching criteria and luck...

I've talked to chief residents of random fields, doctors, interns in this area, just happenstance when out at events or restaurants and the first thing they say is that it's very competitive and it depends on so many things including luck of the draw for the pool that year. I just never thought to ask them silly questions like this.

I'm sure my husband knows the answer to this, but I don't want to ask him, and felt like doing some of my own investigating.

Well, here is why it's so important, say I was doing my life's work with aboriginal peoples in papua new guinnea, pretty specific, pretty important, no? And there was only a few med programs there (forget the international issues for a second). You could see how much it would mean to me and the fact that I couldn't really research and do my anthropological work in another area because I need to be THERE with those indigenous peoples. Can't go to Kansas and do the same work right? For me, it's along the same necessity and circumstance....The area lends itself to my specific field, the field flourishes here, as well as my area of work and study (apparently so does those reknowned medical instituations' programs).

You see fellow spouses, I fear the fork at the end of the road. The burden of the medical spouse. Can I follow him to the ends of the earth in such circumstances... He has a life calling, and so do I.

Maybe the answer is so clear to some spouses but I love my husband, but I also love the path of my life's work as well. i wouldn't ask him to give it up, so to presume I'd naturally follow is...simplisticly conventional to me, and not the answer.

Please help.

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[bananaface]

If the school knew that his spouse was fully engrossed in her education in that very city, that we have ALL our family in the area, that we both grew up in the area, that we want to work and serve in the community and give back to that area, and I am working in a very prominent field in this city (like one of the things the city is known for), and will STILL be in graduate school by the time he starts residency, will they even consider that?

Those would be good points for your spouse to cover in the interview, so that the school knows he is very interested.

 

[lovemydrhubby]

Those would be good points for your spouse to cover in the interview, so that the school knows he is very interested.

I agree. It's important for your husband to get "face time" with the program directors at these programs. I've hear people are sucessful in "city matching"- but it does pose some concerns. Interviews are times where he can express his ties to the community- interest in the program- etc. Make sure he includes every single program in the city.

Make sure he does away rotations at the institutions in your city- even in (and maybe this isn't the best advice) departments where he isn't interested- word of mouth might get around the hospital. He should max out on his away rotations getting experience in this city.... OR I've often read that doing an away elective in a very well known program (like a Hopkins, Mass General, U Washington, the big names) and getting a solid Letter of Recommendation from there may boost his application.

From what you tell us about his grades, it shouldn't be a problem getting interview invites. Apply early with a solid application- make sure he has all the parts of his application ready to go when they begin to accept applications. Once he's "in" he can just tell them about his great desire to relocate to the area. He can also request to come in for a "second look" interview to get a bit more time to chat with residents, attendings, etc.


We're not "city matching" so I'm not really much help and I'm not worried about finding a job in a new city (I'm very happy and fortunate to be a stay at home mom)

Another option would be to go for another big city... maybe you can transfer/relocate during his residency? I know it's not fair for you to have to pick up everything and move- but maybe it works out better??


I'm not sure writing a letter would be a great idea... PD's don't have time to review things like that. (I would imagine) Maybe after your husband interviews you can accompany him on his "second look" tour/interview?

 

[LADoc00]

Holy super post. Let me throw out my own caustic, biting 2 cents: dont waste your time. Having personally endured this crap, only to see my LTR evaporate like a case of beer at a New Orleans Lootfest, has convinced me that people change so radically during their residency/internship/fellowship that your SO will be in a complete stranger in no time.

 

[beentherdonthat]

Holy super post. Let me throw out my own caustic, biting 2 cents: dont waste your time. Having personally endured this crap, only to see my LTR evaporate like a case of beer at a New Orleans Lootfest, has convinced me that people change so radically during their residency/internship/fellowship that your SO will be in a complete stranger in no time.

LADoc, we were off to a rocky intro, but I like you more and more. You get to the point and it makes sense.

The first thing I thought after reading this OP's post was

 

[bananaface]

Holy super post. Let me throw out my own caustic, biting 2 cents: dont waste your time. Having personally endured this crap, only to see my LTR evaporate like a case of beer at a New Orleans Lootfest, has convinced me that people change so radically during their residency/internship/fellowship that your SO will be in a complete stranger in no time.

She's already married. Your warning comes too late. Boo.

I wonder if there is a higher divorce rate during r/i/f or if that just happens to be what people choose to blame their problems on when the timeframes overlap.

For the OP, let me be a bit more direct. Writing a letter is just a crappy idea. Let your husband decide how much of an emphasis he wants to place on family location as a motivating factor. If he overdoes it, he can be percieved as being interested only based on location, which could negatively impact his placement. He needs to decide how best to present himself. And, he needs to do the presenting. Having your SO write a school a sob letter is kind of embarassing, too. I would be so pissed. (Even if it got tossed and only the office secretary saw it.)

 

[Cuteasaurus]

I'll second (third?) what I've seen written here. It does matter if you're planting roots in this area. Owning a house, having family, planning to stay, etc are all things residency programs can (and often do) take into account. However, a letter from you wouldn't be the best way to present this. There will be a time and a place for it and I'd suggest "reminding" your husband to make sure these things come up (though chances are, he already knows).

 

[dancelover]

Some of my classmates who are in a similar situation (SO/family ties to a particular area) addressed it in their personal statement. They wrote two versions - one for the programs in their desired location, and one for the rest. Not sure if it helped them in getting interviews, but i doubt it hurt.

 

[contessas]

I haven't had a chance to check this site in a while so I was surprised to see the responses. Thanks!

Our marriage is solid. But I have heard about the trappings of this life style. So far I have witnessed extremely long hours, sleep deprivation, the back of his head is becoming a familiar conversationalist, his face illuminated by a study lamp, more books and research papers than I care to mention, dinners that include spacing out, and convo's about unwinding the day in the life...I'm only mentioning some of the less than exciting sides. Is there something more eerie or disturbing or difficult you are talking about? What is this altered personality some of you speak of when SO enter R/I/F?

Getting back to your responses:
I second and third everything you all have told me. As I said, my husband doesn't know I'm posting, cause I wanted to do my own investigating. My husband would have been pretty embarrassed if he saw me write about my thoughts and questions in this particular post. From what I can recall, he has already started on all those options and has it all covered with respect to what you all mentioned. From setting up the away rotations, to networking, to preparing for interviews, talking to chief residents and heads of departments, to focusing on medicine as the priority rather than over-reaching the request to be in a specific location...etc. He has his stuff/**** together. He's really even keeled, objective, determined, and balanced in his approach. Though there is an affinity, he is not one to be emotionally tied up or obsessed with showing "extreme city love" or anything of that nature to prospective programs. That's my emotionally perplexing quandry coming through in the posting I guess.

I'm just here, working my butt off, feeling like in less than a couple of years, there is this predetermined factor that may ultimately uproot my life, that I will eventually have to reconcile with (which I accept and take responsibility for)- whatever the case may be. I as a spouse feel so....so much like it's out of my hands and I wished I could just do something to tip the scales. So it's a relief to get the question out to people who know something about it, as foolish as I agree it indeed was.

I will pass on these postings to him anyway because you all put your suggesstions so well and definitively.

Any other creative ideas and thoughts are welcome. And you can tell me more about this lifestyle if you know something I don't. I am new to hearing and sharing all of these issues that spouses face. Remeber, I admit my ignorance. I'm not trying to fight to blissfully stay that way.

In hindsight, with respect to being a spouse/SO, what would you have loved someone to tell you/inform you about, if you were/are in my position?

Thanks again for your feedback.

 

[lovemydrhubby]

check out this thread http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=236029
(if you are worried about personalities changing)

I guess just good advice to know ahead of time....
Understand the schedule/work hours. and also talk about their personal/career goals. Knowledge is everything. If I didn't KNOW his time committments and goals relating to them, I might be apt to feel neglected or second choice. The first two years were very tough for us because I didn't quite understand his needs. It was hard for me, an "outsider," to see the end (I was also busy with a new baby, but that's another story). Since then, we've talked about his goals-short and long term. We talked about potential issues that could come up and ways we'd get through them. We talked about the actual residency requirements and researched residency options together.

Also, being married to a med student, resident, fellow, etc- you are often going to be a "single" parent. If you don't have children, you are going to be alone alot. You need to make sure you just develop your own career or hobbies. Keep yourself busy and don't focus on the time away from each other more than the time together!

Finally, $. We're not rich. We're not in it for the money, but I won't lie- the potential salary is definitely a positive! How come when you tell someone "my husband is studying to be a doctor" it's assumed we are loaded?

 

[Wifty]

I am a spouse to a MSIV and what I would have liked to have known honestly.....is that it was going to be a LOT easier then what I was prepared for. I read everything, started groups to connect with other spouses already in the med school/residency life, read the stats on divorce; all because I wanted to be ready to have the best life I could with my soulmate and its been so much easier then what I read.

Sure, there have been many times when all hubby had the energy for was to cuddle instead of deep discussions or daytrips.....but thats ok. We have a lifetime together and a few years of occasionally getting less interaction then his patients.....is not a bad thing in my mind. Granted, hubby tries really hard to put family first in considerations......he never tried to be the straight A student and is going into a 'lifestyle' residency.

I have never felt passionately about a career, so its easier for me to say that I would move with him wherever he ended up in residency. However, if I was as passionate as you are.....it would be more difficult.

There are options:
I know people who are long distance marriage thru med school and residency. The nice thing about residency is there is a little more money to travel to visit each other. That is an option for you.

Maybe you could go to wherever his residency is....after all, its only a few years and then you both could move back to where you are establishing roots and career.

Or, you could divorce, but I think that is the worst choice based on how you talk about your hubby.

Life is unsure - noone knows if babies, illness, death will change plans. It is nice to at least have the ability to make the choice as to how your plans might change. Just remember, a few more years of less then perfect life is little to give for a lifetime of perfect love.

And, don't write the letter but I second all the recommendations. Mayo is a great place to do rotations and get recommendations from.

Good luck!
With smiles,
Wifty