- Joined
- Feb 26, 2014
- Messages
- 19
- Reaction score
- 21
I am a 29 year old woman, married, with two children and a house in NYC.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a witch doctor (yes its strange) because I had not met a real doctor until I was a teenager in the States. Once I did, my goal was pretty clear. I applied to a BS/MD program and was accepted, full scholarship.
Unfortunately, I couldn't hang in the program socially. I was too awkward, too country, too black, too honest, too naive. I isolated myself from a lot of people by being honest, and not politically correct, not sensitive, and they ostracized me in turn. My professors and dean took notice. They set me up with a counselor, I had frequent meetings with the dean, but my grades began to slip. I was barely going to class by my second year. I had gotten a job, made friends in a different major, and then I got a D in physics. Had a meeting with the dean who again sympathized and told me I could retake the class, but I should take leave for some time first, to get my head into the game. I said something but I don't quite remember what, because what he said next would sear itself into my brain for the next ten years. He told me that this was my best chance at becoming a doctor, because I had the ultimate recipe for failure. I came from a poor family, an immigrant family, I was black, and a woman at that. I told him I would take the leave, then I quietly dropped out of college. It was embarrassing honestly. I would get dressed in the morning, with my bag-pack and such, and leave like I was going to school, but go to work instead. Ugh, the whole memory of it just makes me want to gag.
Anyhow, after a few months, I couldn't take the humiliation of it all, so I closed my eyes, and pointed to a spot on the US map. Did a google search on schools in the neighborhood and ended up moving out to Miami. I enrolled in a Nursing program there, had to start from scratch, completed it all in 3 years. My first year, I completed something like 50 credits?
In any case, at this school, my STEM GPA is 4.0. A&P, Microbiology, Org Chem 1&2, BioChem 1. I tutored org. chemistry for the next two years while I completed my nursing courses. After I graduated, failing that physics course burned me up, so I did a non-degree seeking at FAU, took physics and got an A which helped me sleep better at night.
In the time between that and 29, academically I've completed my Masters in Nursing, and am now almost finished with a post-masters cert as a Nurse practitioner. I am 3 months from starting clinical rotations. Passed my board certifications. Worked at a great institution back in NYC making 6 figures. I have 2 cute kids, a sexy and loving husband, and a house to boot, but gosh darn it, I just feel like I made a huge mistake. I'm not sure at what point it happened....but I just know, that all of this additional training and education I'm getting, it's like drinking a Diet Coke, and telling yourself its as good as a Coke.
I find myself frequently thinking, I'd be done by now. I look at my old classmates, all physicians somewhere. My friend in HS just graduated Med School and is in his ER residency. Sigh, I just....... sigh
So, I'm going to give it the good old college try. Frankly, at this point, I'm not super interested in jumping into 4 years of schooling and the anxiousness and anxiety that comes along with that. But dang it, I don't want to be an old woman who realizes she gave up on her dream because she was comfortable. So, I'll be taking the MCAT at the end of this month, and while I study in secret, I just needed to let someone know.
I think I need some help, but I'm not sure how to ask. I want to try so badly, and I don't want to be shut down.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a witch doctor (yes its strange) because I had not met a real doctor until I was a teenager in the States. Once I did, my goal was pretty clear. I applied to a BS/MD program and was accepted, full scholarship.
Unfortunately, I couldn't hang in the program socially. I was too awkward, too country, too black, too honest, too naive. I isolated myself from a lot of people by being honest, and not politically correct, not sensitive, and they ostracized me in turn. My professors and dean took notice. They set me up with a counselor, I had frequent meetings with the dean, but my grades began to slip. I was barely going to class by my second year. I had gotten a job, made friends in a different major, and then I got a D in physics. Had a meeting with the dean who again sympathized and told me I could retake the class, but I should take leave for some time first, to get my head into the game. I said something but I don't quite remember what, because what he said next would sear itself into my brain for the next ten years. He told me that this was my best chance at becoming a doctor, because I had the ultimate recipe for failure. I came from a poor family, an immigrant family, I was black, and a woman at that. I told him I would take the leave, then I quietly dropped out of college. It was embarrassing honestly. I would get dressed in the morning, with my bag-pack and such, and leave like I was going to school, but go to work instead. Ugh, the whole memory of it just makes me want to gag.
Anyhow, after a few months, I couldn't take the humiliation of it all, so I closed my eyes, and pointed to a spot on the US map. Did a google search on schools in the neighborhood and ended up moving out to Miami. I enrolled in a Nursing program there, had to start from scratch, completed it all in 3 years. My first year, I completed something like 50 credits?
In any case, at this school, my STEM GPA is 4.0. A&P, Microbiology, Org Chem 1&2, BioChem 1. I tutored org. chemistry for the next two years while I completed my nursing courses. After I graduated, failing that physics course burned me up, so I did a non-degree seeking at FAU, took physics and got an A which helped me sleep better at night.
In the time between that and 29, academically I've completed my Masters in Nursing, and am now almost finished with a post-masters cert as a Nurse practitioner. I am 3 months from starting clinical rotations. Passed my board certifications. Worked at a great institution back in NYC making 6 figures. I have 2 cute kids, a sexy and loving husband, and a house to boot, but gosh darn it, I just feel like I made a huge mistake. I'm not sure at what point it happened....but I just know, that all of this additional training and education I'm getting, it's like drinking a Diet Coke, and telling yourself its as good as a Coke.
I find myself frequently thinking, I'd be done by now. I look at my old classmates, all physicians somewhere. My friend in HS just graduated Med School and is in his ER residency. Sigh, I just....... sigh
So, I'm going to give it the good old college try. Frankly, at this point, I'm not super interested in jumping into 4 years of schooling and the anxiousness and anxiety that comes along with that. But dang it, I don't want to be an old woman who realizes she gave up on her dream because she was comfortable. So, I'll be taking the MCAT at the end of this month, and while I study in secret, I just needed to let someone know.
I think I need some help, but I'm not sure how to ask. I want to try so badly, and I don't want to be shut down.
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