FROM: Your RA
TO: All Rubin Residents
DATE: July, 25, 2003
RE: Co-Ed Floor Bathroom
Congratulations on your acceptance to NYU School of Medicine . Before you embark on your jurney in medicine it is important to clear up some important issues about dorm life.
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We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK
POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area
and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from Be careful when you do this. Do
not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side
effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. Keep your feet up
so they won't recognize you by your shoes.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces
the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the
bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with
farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper
of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of
the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall.
This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.
This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths
of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
the other bathroom attendees.
