Older guy feeling guilty parents want to pay for school (1st world problems)
Started by DMMJK
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I understand your guilty feeling. America had such individualistic culture. Just let your parents help you and make them proud of you by giving your best and doing good things for society. You need to be as debt free as possible in order to serve the needy and vulnerable. Honor your parents and take care of them when they're old.
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OP, another XX and an 29 soon to be 30 y/o at that. Everything I have, I worked for since 18. My parents gave me $50 bucks a month during college, and my dad bought a $65K boat my freshman year so they had a little money but didn't want to spend it on my sister and I's college education (twins so we started the same year). I am completely self sufficient, debt free, and with a decent positive balance in the bank thanks to five years service in the Army. Just wanted to give you some perspective and context on my expressed opinion.
You got lucky, as long as you're not a spoiled rich brat, recognize your luck and take advantage of your opportunities for financial freedom (volunteering etc.). I would not dump you or reject you because you had loaded parents and wisely accepted their offer to finance your education.
You got lucky, as long as you're not a spoiled rich brat, recognize your luck and take advantage of your opportunities for financial freedom (volunteering etc.). I would not dump you or reject you because you had loaded parents and wisely accepted their offer to finance your education.
If you feel too guilty about it and they want to help someone, direct them my way. 😉 I'm about your age and would have no problem taking money from my parents if they were able to help me at all without becoming financially unstable themselves.
I have a lot of older female friendsand can see why you would think it would be a problem dating. Successful women who are financially secure don't want a momma's boy who still gets an allowance from his parents.It's not fair but it is the crazy **** that goes through girls' minds.
The type of girl who would be okay with it probably has no money of her own and sees $$$$ when looking at you and your family. Some people would probably be okay with this but I think girls like that are also the type that can't make money so they marry money instead of marrying someone for the right reasons.
Ouch - very cynical. But for some women, probably true. But do keep in mind that those particular women would not be the ones who would make good lifetime partners for a person with your background and core values. They're not the ones you want anyway.
Others - the thoughtful, more mature ones - will understand and be grateful. Even if they have successful careers of their own and take pride in being financially self-sufficient (nothing wrong with that) -- that doesn't mean their judgement about others is impaired. Yeah - a 'spoiled brat' who shows no signs of becoming self-supporting is unappealing. But a med. student, especially one who has already been self-supporting? And one who drives an old car rather than a new sports car? You're worrying needlessly.
And still others will have been raised with the same core values you were: That family money is *best used* for the education of the children and grandchildren. Then academic and artistic enrichment, travel, arts, philanthropy, a nice home in a good neighborhood. (Fancy cars, designer clothes and other luxury items being WAY down on the list -- negative territory even?)
You're worrying needlessly.
so let me get this straight....you are worried about taking money, a gift, from your parents, not because of how it will make you feel....
....but because of how it will make some hypothetical girl feel that you could hypothetically meet that might hypothetically dump you because you've been given a generous gift???
call me crazy, but I think you need to stop STRESSING about it!
PS. I am female. Happily married with 2 kids. Money did not attract me to my husband, but if he had said that his parents were going to pay for him to go back to a professional school, even while we were dating, I would not have had a problem with that. I am certainly not a money seeker though, and have always wanted to be financially independent. However, my parents did pay for me to go to undergrad and for that I am grateful and would not hold it against someone else.
....but because of how it will make some hypothetical girl feel that you could hypothetically meet that might hypothetically dump you because you've been given a generous gift???
call me crazy, but I think you need to stop STRESSING about it!
PS. I am female. Happily married with 2 kids. Money did not attract me to my husband, but if he had said that his parents were going to pay for him to go back to a professional school, even while we were dating, I would not have had a problem with that. I am certainly not a money seeker though, and have always wanted to be financially independent. However, my parents did pay for me to go to undergrad and for that I am grateful and would not hold it against someone else.
Didn't read all of the other posts, so maybe this was covered.
But from a tax perspective if your parents are planning to leave you any inheritance (sounds like it might be the case for you), paying your medical school tuition is by far the best way to go. It's completely tax free. Talk to an accountant.
As far as living expenses go, you could go into debt for those alone since any amount over their yearly gift allowance would be taxed.
But from a tax perspective if your parents are planning to leave you any inheritance (sounds like it might be the case for you), paying your medical school tuition is by far the best way to go. It's completely tax free. Talk to an accountant.
As far as living expenses go, you could go into debt for those alone since any amount over their yearly gift allowance would be taxed.
This really is a blessing and you should take it.
But, otherwise if you still want to pay off the loans youself, I made a comment on another thread pertaining to that topic.
Let them help buy you a house, or use their own house for mortgage, and use that to pay off your school loans. Then all you have to do is pay back the house loan, which would have a lower interest rate.
But, otherwise if you still want to pay off the loans youself, I made a comment on another thread pertaining to that topic.
Let them help buy you a house, or use their own house for mortgage, and use that to pay off your school loans. Then all you have to do is pay back the house loan, which would have a lower interest rate.
...I have a lot of older female friends
The type of girl who would be okay with it probably has no money of her own and sees $$$$ when looking at you and your family. Some people would probably be okay with this but I think girls like that are also the type that can't make money so they marry money instead of marrying someone for the right reasons.
Unless you're just looking for arm candy, this issue is going to come up if you want someone who is also financially secure and independent. Handle it tactfully and hope they like you enough to overlook it.
That is a HUGE generalization.
I am a financially independent female in your target age group. While I get that there's a stigma with a guy in his 30s living off of his parents, we're not talking about someone who has the means to be independent but chooses not to be. I would think you're an idiot for taking out $200k+ in loans at 6.8% interest from the government rather than using what resources you already have to avoid that debt. That's just financially irresponsible. If you put yourself in unnecessary debt just to make yourself more "appealing" in the dating world, to me, that is a WAY bigger turn off than taking the money from your parents and being smart about your finances now. You can always repay your parents later/pay it forward/save for your future family/whatever else you want to do so you feel like you didn't mooch off of your parents when you actually make money.
As for taking out $20k in loans for living expenses so that YOU can pay the bill when you're dating, it'd still be smarter to officially borrow that money from your parents. Would it be nice if you paid for dates? Sure. But if you were broke and had no family help, I wouldn't expect, and I certainly wouldn't WANT, you to take out loans just to pay for my dinner. That sentiment doesn't change just because you do have family help.
TL;DR Ignore AnthonyBourdain 😛.
I'm a female younger than your target age group and I don't care if your parents offer to pay for medical school. Your parents can definitely afford it and you can always repay them back.
After I graduated from high school, my parents stated that they would financially support me for the following four years, which includes undergraduate tuition, exams, gas, and other miscellaneous things as long as it was for my education. They even bought me a new car because my old car from high school broke down. However after those four years, my parents will then pay for my younger brother's tuition when he starts college.
I feel incredibly guilty because my family is of the middle class status and I worry that they do not have much saved for their retirement. However, it is nice to not worry about loans and student debt until I attend medical school.
I would suggest that you should not mention this when dating other people. But when you are starting a serious relationship, then you can mention this. If the girl thinks that you are a "momma's boy" after that, then she is not the right person for you. Medical school is very expensive investment in your education. No student debt from government loans = more $$$ for you (and her).
After I graduated from high school, my parents stated that they would financially support me for the following four years, which includes undergraduate tuition, exams, gas, and other miscellaneous things as long as it was for my education. They even bought me a new car because my old car from high school broke down. However after those four years, my parents will then pay for my younger brother's tuition when he starts college.
I feel incredibly guilty because my family is of the middle class status and I worry that they do not have much saved for their retirement. However, it is nice to not worry about loans and student debt until I attend medical school.
I would suggest that you should not mention this when dating other people. But when you are starting a serious relationship, then you can mention this. If the girl thinks that you are a "momma's boy" after that, then she is not the right person for you. Medical school is very expensive investment in your education. No student debt from government loans = more $$$ for you (and her).
You're worried about impressing women, but there's nothing less impressive than a guy who makes important choices in his life based on his worries about impressing women. It seems like you think women are really shallow, but is there anything substantial about you? Make the right choice for yourself and don't worry so much about what other people think.
This is such an odd thread. OP, take the money! In a decade when you aren't making any loan payments, do good with that money! Donate it or pay it forward to someone else! XX here. I wouldn't have a problem with this at all. Quite the opposite. If I was dating a medical student it'd be hard not to think "If I marry this guy, we're going to be in so much debt from his schooling". Since you'll be debt-free, that's not a worry. If women have an issue with this after they've gotten to know you, they're not women worth keeping around anyway. Any sensible woman will understand your situation and realize that this was a financially smart move. If she doesn't understand it, she's not the right one for you.
Actually I think the opposite as you do. If you turned down the help I think it would be more of an issue. If I started dating you and found out you took out $200k in loans just to prove you were independent... it'd be a huge turnoff. Noble, I guess. But you're throwing away help just to prove a point. Take help when it's offered. Pay it forward to someone else.
Actually I think the opposite as you do. If you turned down the help I think it would be more of an issue. If I started dating you and found out you took out $200k in loans just to prove you were independent... it'd be a huge turnoff. Noble, I guess. But you're throwing away help just to prove a point. Take help when it's offered. Pay it forward to someone else.
The whole point of family is to be there for you when you need it. There's nothing better than being debt free. Take the money and don't forget to call your mom on Mother's Day. If it really bothers you, it's better to pay your parents back than having to struggle through residency battling 200k at 6.8%. Just make sure that you take care of your parents when they're old and visit home often.
I didn't read each reply carefully (there are a ton), but if it really bothers you, one idea is to use your parents as a bank. Borrow the money at 0%-low interest and begin repayment when you are an attending.
I have a friend (he's retired air force) that is using a GI-Bill to pay for pharmacy school (at age 50+!). He kinda has his head in the clouds, and because he enjoyed his air force career and didn't do it FOR the GI bill, he feels sorta guilty and exceptionally blessed to have it. He has decided (and I fully anticipate him to actually do it) to put 20% of his salary into a scholarship for a local high school to award to a student each year. If your parents refuse to let you pay them back after, assuming you do, then you could do something similar until you reach your 200k or whatever.
I have a friend (he's retired air force) that is using a GI-Bill to pay for pharmacy school (at age 50+!). He kinda has his head in the clouds, and because he enjoyed his air force career and didn't do it FOR the GI bill, he feels sorta guilty and exceptionally blessed to have it. He has decided (and I fully anticipate him to actually do it) to put 20% of his salary into a scholarship for a local high school to award to a student each year. If your parents refuse to let you pay them back after, assuming you do, then you could do something similar until you reach your 200k or whatever.
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This is exactly what I was thinking.
Or, for another idea, put some of your attending money, say the exact amount your parents put in, as a scholarship fund for the school your attend. You can endow the scholarship in their name, and you can let them feel pride that their money not only went to helping you be a debt-free doctor, but that it eventually went to helping someone less fortunate than you attend medical school. Or many someones, since only the interest need be used to fund a scholarship.
I'm a girl, starting med school next year, and I would definitely not think you were a "spoiled brat" as you put it. Being spoiled has to do with how you act. Not how wealthy your family is. Take the money. It just makes financial sense.
And I'll be honest, if I were dating a guy and he told me he took out interest bearing loans just so that he could pay for dates from his own pocket, I'd think he was a little nuts.
I'm surprised almost all the responses didn't take this line.
But this response made the thread bearable.
+1. I stopped reading the other replies after this. My parents have worked so hard to do this for me and I hope to do this for my children some day.
They've stated they would pay for my medical school (if possible), in which case I would take it only if I was certain they were financially set for the rest of my family too. But I need to get in first anyways.
