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Oops. Starting to feel unfaithful...

Discussion in 'Spouses and Partners' started by JuliusHibbert, Nov 15, 2005.

  1. JuliusHibbert

    JuliusHibbert Springfield Primary Care

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    I have been feeling guilty lately because I have this huge huge crush on a girl at my medical school. The only problem is that my girlfriend of many years (let's just say that it's more years than I have fingers on my right hand) is going to med school in a different city! My gf and I have talked about getting married a couple of times, to give you an indication of how long and how serious it is.

    Ours is one of those "growing to love each other" type of situations, so even though we've been going out longer than many people are married, emotionally it feels shorter (but by no means insignificant). Due to college and then a long-distance situation when she was getting a master's, I don't think it's unfair to say that we've been in what most people would call a serious relationship for only a couple of years (instead of over half a decade).

    After just a few months of causal conversations, I can't stop thinking about this girl in my class. At first I thought it would go away, but instead the feelings are jsut getting more intense. Keep in mind that I'm not a horny young teenager (ahhh, those were the days... :)), and it's not the boys down below that are doing the thinking.

    Would I be a total bastard to breakup with my current girlfriend after so much emotional investment? Especially for what could possibly be just a crush? This is the first girl I've ever considered leaving my current gf for.

    Sincerely,

    Julius Hibbert
     
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  3. ihsak4health

    ihsak4health Member
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    No matter what responses you get, remember you ultimately need to follow your heart and mind. Distance for sure is a realistic factor in any relationship. You said this feeling has lasted a few months? First of all, it won't lead to much if this is just a one way street. Second, just because we have only 'one' person that is meant for us, it doesn't mean we won't develop crushes for other people. If you see one person often, of course they may be on your mind. Try to stay away for a bit and see if this 'feeling' is just a short fuse. I have seen friends and even myself gone through this. It clouds your mind. If you see trouble ahead by hanging out with this girl, then just stop! Don't let yourself fall for her more and more. Make the decision and control your temptations.

    Ask yourself if this girl is really worth all the years of memories. Good luck and may you choose the right way :)
     
  4. LADoc00

    LADoc00 There is no substitute for victory.
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    This is just the first of many such attractions in your medical career, personally I would cut the umbilical cord of this LDR and dive in. Dont waste the best dating years of your life bro in a long distance thing, there's plenty of time to get married once you make partner in your private prac group. And if it was really meant to be, she wont mind you trying what else is out there...

    And huh "ask yourself if this girl is worth years of memories"?? WTF is that, his memories of girl#1 dont vanish the second he sleeps with someone else!!..Im fairly certain the temporal lobes stay intact in the advent of polyamorous relationships.
     
  5. bananaface

    bananaface Pharmacy Supernerd
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    Whether or not the relationship you have with your current g/f one that you want to continue with is not really as related to whether or not you like this other woman as you think. There are always going to be attractive people out there. If you shift your focus from your SO to them every time you meet one, your life is going to be a series of breakups. Are you developing a crush because you ultimately want to d/c your current relationship? If so, then you probably don't really belong with either woman.
     
  6. LADoc00

    LADoc00 There is no substitute for victory.
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    Hey, my life is a series of break ups and I think Im doing fine! Why does all the relationship advice from women always sound like its the words of a Mormon preacher, why cant you just go out and have fun? I say tell your LDR its time to move the relationship to the next step and propose an open arrangement. :)
     
  7. mshheaddoc

    mshheaddoc Howdy
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    With all the long term relationships I have seen crash and burn (including my 5 year long distance relationship for 3 of those 5 years) I have to say follow your gut/heart. If you aren't in it with your girl, then get out. I wish I would have gotten out earlier. You are allow to grow up and mature and since you've spent so much time apart, sometimes you "grow" apart. I feel like I wasted my better "dating" years, but "c'est la vie". I eventually found a man that would make me happier.

    Just be true to yourself because bananaface has some good points. I just wish I would have listened to my gut (and my friends) a little sooner than dragging out a pointless relationship.
     
  8. LADoc00

    LADoc00 There is no substitute for victory.
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    AMEN.
     
  9. bananaface

    bananaface Pharmacy Supernerd
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    I suppose a series of trade-ins would be a better way for me to have put it. I'm sorry you have a problem with me not advising the OP to become single. Oh wait, I kind of did! :eek:

    I wouldn't want to be the girl the OP is interested in just because he's looking for an excuse to break away from his current g/f. That's why I vote for him not pursuing her.
     
  10. LADoc00

    LADoc00 There is no substitute for victory.
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    I think he should ask out the girl in his class and see how that rolls before wasting all this mental energy on her. Who knows, maybe she is really a man or a lesbian or something. Conversely maybe she will be the lay of your life.
     
  11. bananaface

    bananaface Pharmacy Supernerd
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    You mean if she's a lesbian she could be the lay of my life? Hot damn! Too bad I am into guys. :( I guess you could send her my way if she turns out to be a man...

    I suppose he could check things out to see if she wants his ex's hand me downs.
     
  12. mshheaddoc

    mshheaddoc Howdy
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    Eh, I'm not even thinking of the girl. I'm thinking of him. I didn't even factor if things would work out with her. I know that people start to look and when they start to look they are unhappy with what they have for whatever reason. If he's been feeling like this for a while, my guess is things won't change much because maybe they have both changed. How can you really establish that via long distance though? Maybe he needs to talk to his woman about this?
     
  13. alison_in_oh

    alison_in_oh Senior Member
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    :thumbup:
     
  14. JuliusHibbert

    JuliusHibbert Springfield Primary Care

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    Yeah, I know there will always be other attractive/smart/nice/funny people out there. I've met them. The thing is, this girl in my class is the first one that's made me even think about leaving my current gf (cgf).

    Oh, and I've been with "cgf" long enough to know that even brining this topic up would end it, hence seeking risky advice from anonymous intarweb people.

    Sincerely,

    Julius Hibbert

     
  15. JuliusHibbert

    JuliusHibbert Springfield Primary Care

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    So this girl already knows I'm in a relationship already. I'm pretty sure most girls frown upon that whole two-timing thing. The exruciating thing, is that I know she's on the prowl and am 99% sure (well, maybe 70% sure) that I could have at least started something with her. Whether or not we'd get married, have kids, and feed each other pudding in the retirement home is another story.

    So do you really think you're doing OK with the serial dating thing?

    Sincerely,

    Julius Hibbert

     
  16. xanthines

    xanthines decaying organic matter
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    As a fellow guy in a long-distance relationship, I can relate. It's tough, but you just have to remember what it was like when you were living together. Also, the invention of the telephone, email, IM, etc while certainly not 100% adequate, at least makes the whole ordeal a little more tolerable. Besides, just think of having a long-distance GF as someone who won't distract you from schoolwork, like the girl in your class almost certainly will. That and the booty-calls are pretty awesome! ;)

    Be Strong!

    -X

    PS: I didn't mean to imply that girls are a time drain, just that you know... proximity to one another almost certainly leads to more time together.

     
  17. bananaface

    bananaface Pharmacy Supernerd
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    My point is, it's not the other girl that makes you consider a breakup, it's your relationship with your cgf. So, what are the problems there? Are you just not really that into her but feel like you have to follow through because of the time you have invested? Would you feel differently if it wasn't a LD thing?
     
  18. beentherdonthat

    beentherdonthat Junior Member
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    You're an unmarried guy - you can do whatever you want. You don't really have any commitments. No ring on finger, no problem. Whatever happens, life goes on. I'd rather make a mistake than live with regrets.
     
  19. lovemydrhubby

    lovemydrhubby Senior Member
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    Here's the first thing that came to mind reading your first post:
    You should not stay with someone just because you have history or feel comfortable. On the flip side, you shouldn't be so quick to throw that history/comfort away. (not saying you are). It is just a matter of following your heart and being REALLY honest with yourself and your cgf.

    My next advice would be to discuss it with cgf. My husband (bf at the time) and I were in a LDR for a year. We struggled alot. It was easy to lose "us" when we both had other lives, friends, apartments, etc. We talked alot, but it still didn't always work. We were honest with each other about our feelings. We talked about holding each other back...missing out on new opportunities just because we had to get home to call each other. We just agreed to let each other know if feelings were changing or it was too hard. We came quite close to calling it quits so I can definitely see where LDRs fail. They are just plain hard!

    However then you said:

    I think if you are afraid to bring it up with cgf that could be a problem. This is something you should be able to discuss. You don't want to bring it up as "hey there's this hot new girl in my class. I might want to hook up with her"- I would approach it more as "how are you doing? what do you miss about being close? What do you like about our LDR?" talk about it! If you want to save your current relationship, you have to take those steps. If you aren't sure- still take those steps to rekindle and reconnect. You'll get a gut feeling during that process. Just be fair to both girls and be honest.


    Was that Mormon enough LADoc? ;)
     
  20. LDRO

    LDRO New Member

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    Go with your gut...it sounds like you might be ready to be with someone else (or at least not her) and it's not fair to her if you are NOT 100% committed to the relationship.
     
  21. Pretty POHA

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    Social Psychological studies show that proximity and familiarity breed positive feelings... There have been studies done that show several person's faces throughout a test, and then at the end of the test ask the subjects rate the faces by what they would guess would be the friendliness of the person in the picture. The subject will frequently choose the faces that they had seen more frequently. Familiarity breeds not contempt, rather, fond feelings.
    If you are unable to be faithful to your cgf, you should get out of the LDR. It's not fair to either of you if you can't keep that loyalty as your first and foremost thought. The best way to judge relationships is if the benefits outweigh the challenges... if you're pro on the benefits side, you're likely to be in a worthwhile relationship-- and this goes for all relationships, not just SOs.
    So... Are the benefits of staying loyal to your cgf outweighing the challenges of being so far away (among other challenges)?
    Contrary to popular belief, there is not just ONE person out there for you. There are many people you will be compatible with along the way-- people are growing and changing all the time. Many times two people grow together, other times they grow apart. There's nothing wrong with that!!
    Now... I'm not saying split up with your cgf. I'm just asking that you really think about your behavior before you mess around with someone else. Breaking up with a person is hurtful, but it's tenfold hurt-filled if you cheat on them without giving them the decency to break up with them first.
    Oh, and the grass is ALWAYS greener if you don't know what you're getting yourself into! :luck:
     
  22. bananaface

    bananaface Pharmacy Supernerd
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    It's easier to read if you leave spaces between paragraphs.
     
  23. toofache32

    15+ Year Member

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    This is easy: Which one has the best pair of dinners?

    Or you can just go with those empty chick-sayings like "Just be true to your heart, honey!"
     
  24. bananaface

    bananaface Pharmacy Supernerd
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    heh. Whatever you want when you're drunk is what you really want.

    <--- yeah you know it :laugh:

    ps-Guitar Hero kicks ass :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
     
  25. JuliusHibbert

    JuliusHibbert Springfield Primary Care

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    I know that I will do nothing with the temptress while still in a relationship with cgf. I have enough integrity and self-discipline to accomplish that. Other girls (pretty ones, too!) have definitely wanted to jump my bones in the past and I resisted. As much as the libido was cursing me, looks are not the most important thing for me. That's what makes the temptress so tempting; she makes laugh, we have interesting conversations, and I think she's just neat. Before anyone questions my sexual orientation, I also find her very attractive as well. I'm still having trouble not thinking about her. With the cgf... well, she also makes me laugh and our conversations are somtimes interesting. She's not much of a conversationalist (I'm not either but my excuse is that I'm a guy), but she is sweet. I have to admit, now that I think about it's been awhile since I've gone "Aww, that was really nice of you!" I suppose this is to be expected when you know someone long enough.

    I guess I'm just having a hard time differentiating between the excitement of a new person and the familiarity of an intimate one. How do you do a cost-benefit analysis of relationships or people?

    cgf's sister was just proposed to recently. Nothing like a little pressure, eh? :oops:

    Sincerely,

    Julius Hibbert

     
  26. JuliusHibbert

    JuliusHibbert Springfield Primary Care

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    Ha ha! Good advice. Just take the truth serum. Better be careful not to take too much... then it becomes the impotent serum! :laugh:

    Sincerely,

    Julius Hibbert

     
  27. Wifty

    Wifty Eccentrically Silly
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    You know what? The sort of relationship you want and your cgf wants most of all is an honest one. You say that you telling her about your crush would end it.....but that right there would solve your plight.

    When hubby started med school, we talked about how he might have crushes on girls that he is in class with and I actually expected it. I know that sharing the intimacy of med school is an enticing and intense thing and something that I can't offer him. So, we talked openly about it and it just made our relationship stronger. There is no way that him telling me of a crush would end our relationship.

    You obviously care about your cgf.....it would not be a caring act to hold on to the relationship simply for the past memories.

    Staying in an 'ok' relationship does not give the people involved a chance to fall in love with their soulmate. Let yourself have that chance and let her....if that is what feels right.

    Good luck,
    Wifty
     
  28. peppy

    peppy Senior Member
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    I commend you for not wanting to cheat. You seem like a good, honorable guy.
    If you don't feel like your relationship with your cgf is intellectually stimulating and fulfilling anymore, I don't think anyone could blame you for breaking it off. In the long run, it's better if both of you have the chance to be free to find someone who is truly right for you, rather than wasting time just going through the motions.
     
  29. toofache32

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    So.....did you bang the new chick yet? :eek:
     
  30. bananaface

    bananaface Pharmacy Supernerd
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    No. I was disappointed when I found out she wasn't a man. :(
     
  31. jr8047

    jr8047 Senior Member
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    I don't typically post in this board, but you're predictament caught my interest.
    The way I see it you have only one question to be concerned with. Do you want to continue a long distance relationship w/ cgf? The fact that someone of interest has come along is not reason enough to end a relationship. She should not even be in the equation when deciding if you want to continue forward with cgf.
    My partner is a licensed professional counselor and when presented with a case similar to this she advises that person to discuss the crush with your mate. Supposedly, it takes out the thrill of the secret crush and makes your relationship stronger.
     
  32. DireWolf

    DireWolf The Pride of Cucamonga
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    my advice: fock anything that moves.
     
  33. toofache32

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    ...or even if it doesn't move when it's drunk.
     
  34. bananaface

    bananaface Pharmacy Supernerd
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    Hold still. ;)
     
  35. DireWolf

    DireWolf The Pride of Cucamonga
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    cute response there. real cute. :mad:
     
  36. bananaface

    bananaface Pharmacy Supernerd
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    :oops:
     
  37. duh?

    duh? Senior Member
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    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Y'all are hilarious!
     
  38. raspberry swirl

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    i started dating my bf towards the end of sophomore year in college. we both went on to different medical schools, about 9 hours apart. during the first two years, i literally saw him once a semester, and then once during christmas and once over the summer = 4 visits a year. and usually only for about 2-3 days each time. IT SUCKED. but we IM constantly and talk on the phone constantly. we both thought people at our schools were hot, and i even had a crush on a guy in my class. but he was the first person i told- "ohmigod there is this really hot guy in my class" and he likewise told me "there is this hot korean chick who wants to bang me" (im pretty sure he phrased it even worse than that).

    anyway, the point it is, its not the fact that you have a crush. its how the two of you deal with the crush (as other posters have been saying). now my bf and i are 3rd years, and still apart but only by 3.5 hours! we see each other once or twice a month now, which is a lot in comparison to before. ending your current relationship may be the right move. or it might not. but just dont make the mistake of thinking a crush=an end to your current relationship. you ARE going to have to discuss this with your cgf. sorry. thats the only way to really figure out whats best for you :rolleyes:
     
  39. don juan

    don juan Member
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    If you can't talk plainly and honestly about loneliness and companionship issues that go along with LDRs with the person you're with that's a problem. It's only natural to feel a void when in a LDR, but if you're able to discuss these feelings without eliciting feelings of anger or jealousy it means the relationship is a good one.
     
  40. JuliusHibbert

    JuliusHibbert Springfield Primary Care

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    Sorry for the long delay, but school's been a real drag lately. You know how it goes. :p

    So I decided to stick it out with cgf (current girlfriend). We had a nice long talk about where we wanted to be in the future (both physically as well as emotionally) and we both came to a nice consensus. I'm glad I waited and sat on my impulses because I don't find this girl in my class to be all that attractive anymore. I don't know if it's the stress of school or what, but I get the impression she's not all roses and sunshine like I thought. Even the rigors of med school has its silver lining, eh? :rolleyes:

    Anyway, if you have any burning questions I'll see if I can answer them without giving away too much anonymity.

    Thanks for all of your advice! (yes, even you LADoc! ;) )

    Sincerely,

    JuliusHibbert
     
  41. shala

    shala Member
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    This sounds a very good ending. Happy for you, actually all is about whether you can control it. From the other hand, I have a friend who met similiar problem like you, but the person in the diagonal is a women. She is being tortoured.


     
  42. ihsak4health

    ihsak4health Member
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    yes happy ending indeed.

    So, the 'mysterious' girl was not what you thought her to be? how did your cgf react after u told her about ur feelings?

    its a good story, good luck w/ continued relationship.
     
  43. aggie-master

    aggie-master Scrub
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    Dang it... I wasn't looking at the dates of the original posts and I was going to suggest that he dump his girlfriend.
     
  44. MJB

    MJB Senior Member
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    What if a couple seems like they are in a LDR, but live under the same roof and are hitched. This couple I know...can't remember the last time they did the horizontal mamba.... :eek:
     
  45. kutter

    kutter Junior Member
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    I am so glad that I found this post. I wanted to stat it myself but I just could not bring myself to do so. I am going through the exact same thing. The only difference is that I have been with by bf for much longer and I currently live with him. Things have changed for me and I don't know what I want. That spark is lost. I told my bf a few weeks ago that I think I was no longer in love and that this other guy caught my attention. Needless to say he was devastated. He has offered to let me figure things out but now he wants a decision by the end of the month. I really do not think that this is something that I can definitively decide so soon. I do not want to confuse my caring/love for him for being in love with him. I would love to work things out but deep in my heart I really think that it is over. I need someone more like me. He has been there for me through so much and supported me in every way but I really do not think that my heart is in this anymore. I'm so confused.
     
  46. toofache32

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    "Never dip your pen in the company inkwell."

    You could move in with the new guy. It sounds like you're not getting married to your current roommate anyway.
     
  47. karariki

    karariki www.chanhonline.com
    5+ Year Member

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    Julius, i think u'r a very decent guy & u really deserved this happy ending.

    but i'm curious, why did u lose interest in the girl in ur class & stop finding her attractive?
    it sounds like u finally saw something in her that made u realized she's not as great as ur cgf.
     
  48. JuliusHibbert

    JuliusHibbert Springfield Primary Care

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    Thank you for thinking I'm a decent guy! I'm not so sure I agree with that statement, but it's nice to hear nonetheless. Basically, she wasn't as nice as I thought, as in she didn't respect other people's feelings.

    The hormones or something clouded my vision. :p

    Sincerely,

    JuliusHibbert

     
  49. LabMonster

    LabMonster Clinically relevant.
    10+ Year Member

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    Ahh the simplest solution.

    Think about this: Do you want to stay with cgf because you love her now, or because you have a history of love? The distinction is important.

    Good Luck.
     
  50. LiveLoveFartRepeat

    LiveLoveFartRepeat LiveLoveFartRepeat
    Pharmacist Lifetime Donor Classifieds Approved 10+ Year Member

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    I am glad to see that you find a "closing" to your own dilemma....as life just showed you..the world is full of temptations..you have to choose your battles...I am happily married..and things are like that for me b/c everyday..I make the choice to be with one man...to be faithfull..

    the world is full of good looking, handsome guys..but at the end of the day..I and only my own will of an happy ending in my own love story make me chase those temptations away...

    I don't beleive in the "love makes you blind" thing...

    i am everything but blind..i see men that i could fall in love ( if i were to open my heart ) and start to see that my husband might not be the right one...I choose to keep those distractions away...( oh...i am married but my husband and baby live in Canada)

    I don't know if your actual Gf is the one you are going to married..but keep in mind that ..life is long.....I do get the hormone rush too from time to time......temptations are everywhere :laugh:

    faithfullness is first of all a personal choice not some magic trick that love makes you do

    Just make sure to be happy :love: .
     

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