Starting LDR with SO. Tips?

[Dating_a_DO]

Hi There,

I'm a long time follower of SDN; my boyfriend has used it for a while but I just read forums here and there for information. We've been together for a little over 1.5 years, are very serious (talk about the future all the time), and after living only a few miles away from one another, are about to move a few states away from one another once he starts medical school in August. I feel very secure in "us", our future, and our ability to manage the distance - my only concern is how much I'm going to miss him. I miss him dearly when I haven't seen him for just a few short days!

I'll be starting my job as a consultant, so though not in the medical field, will also have long, hectic days. We've come to a mutual understanding that we are going to set aside 20 minutes a few times a week to Facetime and send each other a daily text or voicemail, no matter how brief. Visits will occur every 4-6 weeks (I get flight perks with my company so it will likely be me visiting more), and we have plans to close the distance once I get promoted in 2 years, and have more flexibility in where I can live.

Here comes my questions:
-Any tips for entering into and maintaining an LDR?
-Ideas for care packages or sweet ways I can send "thinking of you" gifts?
-The "plan" is to become engaged in the middle of 3rd year, so we have 1.5 years to plan a wedding (which would likely be before residency). Any qualms with that?
-This is thinking ahead, but what is suggested for managing and merging finances over time? I will be making a consistently strong salary, while he will be drowning in student loan debt. Should I take on some of his loans, or pay a larger percentage of rent, etc.?
-How do most medical students afford engagement rings?


Thanks!!

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[OnRouteToPharmD]

Hi @Dating_a_DO, I'm currently in a long distance relationship with a 3rd year medical school student, and we're going strong for 2 and a half years! Our situation is very similar in that I dated my boyfriend for a while before I moved to a different state for grad school. First of all, I'm not going to sugarcoat anything and say dating a med school student is tough at first. I remember getting in to a lot of arguments about why my boyfriend wasn't able to see me, why he was canceling plans, etc. Though I am a pharmacy school student, med school students have a LOT to learn in such a short period of time. You HAVE to understand this in order for the relationship to work.

I will try to answer your questions as best as I can. One of the best tips I can give you is to give your boyfriend space if needs it, especially if he is busy with schoolwork. I really regret wasting time picking arguments with my boyfriend, when he could have received a better score on his exam by studying more. You have to be understanding of his BUSY schedule, and if you can do that, you guys will already be off to a great start. I don't want to scare you, but many of my boyfriend's classmates in med school ended up breaking up with their significant others, just because they weren't understanding of their busy schedule. Make it a priority to let your SO study when he needs to.

Regarding care packages, I have sent my boyfriend multiple care packages for different occasions. I've sent him a lot of snacks, clothing items, writing utensils, etc.

Lastly, you seem to be very focused on engagement and getting married by a certain time period. This is definitely something you should discuss with your boyfriend, but know that promises don't always work out in med school in terms of deadlines. My boyfriend had a huge exam the week of my birthday and we couldn't celebrate it then, so if something comes up for him, you just have to be understanding.

I wish you the best of luck in your LD relationship! Trust me- I was very nervous about being in LD, but I think it has only made my relationship stronger, so hopefully it does the same for you.

 

[Dating_a_DO]

Thank you so much, @OnRouteToPharmD for your thoughtful response. I understand flexibility is key, especially when it comes to major life events (marriage, engagements) and even small things, like going out to dinner versus grabbing takeout so he can stay in and study. I appreciate the honesty and am excited for this journey; glad to know it's worked well for you!

 

[jazzcartier]

i respect the hustle. congrats

 

[SocialStigma]

Congrats to your boyfriend! I am in a similar boat with my SO starting medical school in August. We've been LD for 4 years already though and he'll be moving even farther away for school in a few months. I don't have any tips about being in an LDR with a med student, but my boyfriend has supported me through veterinary school, an internship, and now I'm a surgery resident, so what I can say is that from the perspective of the professional student/resident, understanding that school/residency comes first is crucial to making the relationship work. There will always be one person who has more spare time in a relationship (and likely it will be the person who is not in professional school)..that person will want to talk on the phone after they finish work, go on fun dates on weekends, etc. Which is not an unreasonable expectation, but it places an awful lot of guilt on the student that they have to choose between spending quality time with their SO vs. studying for a test. Like @OnRouteToPharmD, I saw many relationships end over this. Eventually either the student gets so stressed out by the pressure of choosing between school and their SO, or the non-student feels neglected, and the relationship ends. The best thing my boyfriend did for me while I was in school was understand that most of my weekends would be spent studying, and most of our "dates" consisted of him spending 9 hours at the library on a Saturday with me. He also had to come visit me more often, particularly once I started clinics and during my internship. He never once was irritated/resentful that he would make the trip to come visit me for the weekend and then I would end up getting called in/spending all weekend at the clinic, because I thoroughly warned him not to come visit me when I was on call unless he was ok with not seeing me at all. Set low expectations for your visits (ie. expect that most of it will be spent at home with you watching him study) and you'll be pleasantly surprised if he finishes studying earlier and you get to watch a movie together!

 

[J ROD]

Basically embrace the suck. It is a hard time for all involved.