Parents that are too involved??

[EdgeTrimmer]

What’s difference between a vicious rottweiler that has clamped down a bite on your leg and an overly involved premed student’s Mother ?

The dog will eventually let go

Wow, from throwing mom into federal prison to dogs are better!

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[HopeP]

What’s difference between a vicious rottweiler that has clamped down a bite on your leg and an overly involved premed student’s Mother ?

The dog will eventually let go

nah, it is as good as difference between hate and love.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

As an Asian dad I have seen all the scenarios you have described among my friends and acquaintances. I went to grad school in US, very open minded and I don't act that way. I have lot of physician friends who thinks getting their kids in medical school sets them up for rest of their life. That's one of the reasons (other being traditional path become too competitive for Asians) BSMD programs became so popular among us. Most of my friends, family and college confidential participants were surprised that we "let" our son give up a good BSMD program for traditional path given that there are no financial constraints and he can "save" one year and start earning one year early.

My only issue here is people talking about federal crimes (for opening mail) and comparison to dogs against dogs. I don't joke about mothers, may be I am an old fashioned 50 year old

 

[ciestar]

As an Asian dad I have seen all the scenarios you have described among my friends and acquaintances. I went to grad school in US, very open minded and I don't act that way. I have lot of physician friends who thinks getting their kids in medical school sets them up for rest of their life. That's one of the reasons (other being traditional path become too competitive for Asians) BSMD programs became so popular among us. Most of my friends, family and college confidential participants were surprised that we "let" our son give up a good BSMD program for traditional path given that there are no financial constraints and he can "save" one year and start earning one year early.

My only issue here is people talking about federal crimes (for opening mail) and comparison to dogs against dogs. I don't joke about mothers, may be I am an old fashioned 50 year old

Yeah, it would be a bit extreme to report that your mom opened your mail. That said, OP is a legal adult. It is their mail. OP’s mom has NO RIGHT to open it. If you’re disagreeing, I have a feeling you’re more overbearing as a parent than you’re letting on.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

Yeah, it would be a bit extreme to report that your mom opened your mail. That said, OP is a legal adult. It is their mail. OP’s mom has NO RIGHT to open it. If you’re disagreeing, I have a feeling you’re more overbearing as a parent than you’re letting on.

No, I am NOT agreeing on opening adult children's mail. I tell my son if he has a mail and if he wants me to open it I will open and send a photo of it or scan it for him. I also didn't support mom calling the school (without mentioning the applicants name) but objecting to people making big deal out of it and bringing federal statutes and comparison to dogs!

 

[KnightDoc]

As an Asian dad I have seen all the scenarios you have described among my friends and acquaintances. I went to grad school in US, very open minded and I don't act that way. I have lot of physician friends who thinks getting their kids in medical school sets them up for rest of their life. That's one of the reasons (other being traditional path become too competitive for Asians) BSMD programs became so popular among us. Most of my friends, family and college confidential participants were surprised that we "let" our son give up a good BSMD program for traditional path given that there are no financial constraints and he can "save" one year and start earning one year early.

My only issue here is people talking about federal crimes (for opening mail) and comparison to dogs against dogs. I don't joke about mothers, may be I am an old fashioned 50 year old

I'm also not sure why you keep going back to the opening mail comment, as if to suggest that the crime is stating that it's a big deal for a well meaning parent to open and hide mail from an adult child. The OP's parent was wrong, wrong, wrong, and your being okay with it (while apparently not "defending" it) doesn't make it right, or okay, or understandable.

The fact is, while it sounds like your kid is talented enough to be okay in his upcoming cycle without your kind assistance (notwithstanding your inability to control yourself), and you seem to know which obvious lines not to cross, a lot of the well meaning folks you are defending (who don't understand why they can't call admissions offices, do all the research, open the mail, decide where to apply, write the applications, take the tests, etc. for their budding genius future MDs) are going to destroy whatever chances their kids have in this process when they annoy the adcoms. No amount of being offended or not understanding why it's a problem is going to change that.

What you seem to fail to understand, while you seemingly yearn to relive some part of your past through your kid, is that your kid (and, likely, the OP as well) would be just fine if you weren't on here and he had to do everything himself in order to research and execute an application cycle. The kids who actually need their parents to do what you are doing are not actually ready to apply to and attend med school, so all of the parents' effort is really, in the end wasted, insofar as it is unnecessary (and possibly self-defeating) for the kid who doesn't need it, and won't work for the kid who does!!! So, in the end, the cold hard truth is that you and the other parents are doing everything for yourselves, and not for your children, and that includes the OP's mom.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

I'm also not sure why you keep going back to the opening mail comment, as if to suggest that the crime is stating that it's a big deal for a well meaning parent to open and hide mail from an adult child. The OP's parent was wrong, wrong, wrong, and your being okay with it (while apparently not "defending" it) doesn't make it right, or okay, or understandable.

The fact is, while it sounds like your kid is talented enough to be okay in his upcoming cycle without your kind assistance (notwithstanding your inability to control yourself), and you seem to know which obvious lines not to cross, a lot of the well meaning folks you are defending (who don't understand why they can't call admissions offices, do all the research, open the mail, decide where to apply, write the applications, take the tests, etc. for their budding genius future MDs) are going to destroy whatever chances their kids have in this process when they annoy the adcoms. No amount of being offended or not understanding why is going to change that.

What you seem to fail to understand, while you seemingly yearn to relive some part of your past through your kid, is that your kid (and, likely, the OP as well) would be just fine if you weren't on here and he had to do everything himself in order to research and execute an application cycle. The kids who actually need their parents to do what you are doing are not actually ready to apply to and attend med school, so all of the parents' effort is really, in the end wasted, insofar as it is unnecessary (and possibly self-defeating) for the kid who doesn't need it, and won't work for the kid who does!!!

My inability control???? I am responding the posts only. My issue is with people like you bringing up federal crimes and comparison to dogs. There is a fine line between condemning mistakes vs outright insults. may be OP should have been careful knowing his mom's overbearing involvement like otherd suggested.

Don't worry about my son's upcoming cycle and my involvement. You focus on your cycle and try to relax. It's a long and stressful path.

 

[siliso]

if there is a cultural issue at play, it would be valuable to note to your parents that here in the US, having parents be part of the application process really in any way is viewed negatively. The expectation is that the candidate should handle all matters related to the application independently. Any contact from a candidate’s parent to the school gives an impression of an immature candidate with poor boundaries, cannot help the application, and may well hinder it.

I write this as information intended to be helpful to loving parents with the best intentions, who may not be familiar with the specific culture of US professional schools.

 

[HopeP]

We are getting into nuances of what is exactly called involvement. Application process is obvious student does, and if student wants to get help to review few things here and there from their well educated and knowledgeable parents (not every student has that in-house), there is nothing wrong in that. Same thing is happening with so called med school consultants. Only difference in help is one is free with tender care and other is paid business. I agree with overall sentiment high school to UG to med school transition, students grow and mature drastically and parents involvement become lesser and lesser. Also agree with overall sentiment that yes if you want to be a good Dr (or any other professional), be independent, make your own decisions and be responsible for it. Few failures will be a learning curve. One think I always tell my kids, my responsibility is to teach you to make right decisions in life, once you are good at it you are your own and doesn't need parental involvement at all. However it is a process and takes sometime to transition or achieve or don't achieve at all. Recently learnt something about anki decks and I had no clue, never heard before in my life, so once my son is back from African country venture, planning to bring that subject, he may knew about it already and if not than something he has to chew on and decide usefull or not.
As far as opening mail is concerned, yes its a law and crime to open someone else's email. However if family members are invoking that w/o any proper ground against each other, I questioned whether its called family or not, where trust doesn't exist anymore. OPs situation with mother is an outlier, not a norm in families.

 

[futrdoctrfl]

Thanks everyone for all of the helpful feedback! Just want to quickly to bring up a few things that have been mentioned:

For some reason a lot of you keep bringing up the whole "opening someone else's mail is a criminal defense". Yes, this was not cool and yeah I should've been more careful and put another address on my application. Not sure if any of you paid attention to the end of that paragraph or if maybe I just didn't make it clear, but this happened several months ago. She only went through the med school letters (I know that doesn't make it any better, but it's not like she constantly goes through my mail). As soon as I found out about it we had a long talk about how it was extremely inappropriate for her to hide this information from me when I was waiting to hear back from these schools. My mom apologized profusely and she has not done it since then. It is not a problem anymore and I do not plan on having her arrested.

I was pretty angry when I wrote this post and looking back I didn't mean to portray my mom in such a negative light. As a lot of you mentioned, my parents being immigrants and not having opportunities when they were younger has a lot to do with why they treat me this way. I'm very close with them and tell them mostly everything about my life. However, I think there are times where they genuinely forget that I am 22 years old. They know how bad I want this, and my mom was just trying to help her little girl in her eyes (even though it was the opposite of helping). She made a mistake in calling the school, but we're all human and we all make mistakes. We've moved passed it and it hopefully will not be a problem anymore.

 

[HopeP]

@futrdoctrfl may be a dumb question, aren't decisions communicated electronically as well, a portal or email?

 

[futrdoctrfl]

@futrdoctrfl may be a dumb question, aren't decisions communicated electronically as well, a portal or email?

Most are but some schools still send out their acceptances/rejections the old fashioned way. The school I was on the wait list for also notified me only through snail mail, and not electronically.

 

[futrdoctrfl]

may be OP should have been careful knowing his mom's overbearing involvement like otherd suggested.

My mother's involvement isn't normally overbearing (at least she hasn't made an account on SDN like some parents), and I am not at fault here for anything. I had a lot of problems receiving mail to my dorm freshman year and then to my apartment the following year, hence why I normally use my permanent home address for important things like medical school applications.

 

[HopeP]

Maybe I was just raised differently than most traditional Americans, but I wouldn't use this as grounds to stop considering my mother family...what she did was wrong but she's only every opened those two letters and as soon as I mentioned not having heard back from the schools she told me that she opened them. Maybe she thought I would also get an email and that I didn't want to see the paper copy when I got home. I'm not trying to say what she did was okay but there were no malicious intentions whatsoever.

agreed, my comments were reference to some other comments about law and crime. Like i said earlier @AShap had summarized very well. Just on humor note, whenever I asked my spouse why did you throwaway that mail and funny answer I get because I didn't understand it.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

if there is a cultural issue at play, it would be valuable to note to your parents that here in the US, having parents be part of the application process really in any way is viewed negatively. The expectation is that the candidate should handle all matters related to the application independently. Any contact from a candidate’s parent to the school gives an impression of an immature candidate with poor boundaries, cannot help the application, and may well hinder it.

I write this as information intended to be helpful to loving parents with the best intentions, who may not be familiar with the specific culture of US professional schools.

My mother's involvement isn't normally overbearing (at least she hasn't made an account on SDN like some parents), and I am not at fault here for anything. I had a lot of problems receiving mail to my dorm freshman year and then to my apartment the following year, hence why I normally use my permanent home address for important things like medical school applications.

That was rhetorical question from me not blaming you or didn't mean your mother is overbearing. I simply felt its inappropriate to bring up federal statutes and comparisons to dogs. Hope you understood that. GL!

As per as parents opening SDN accounts, some of us do it to understand the process and try to help with any gaps. I for one is not taking over my son's application process.

 

[deleted927028]

Thanks everyone for all of the helpful feedback! Just want to quickly to bring up a few things that have been mentioned:

For some reason a lot of you keep bringing up the whole "opening someone else's mail is a criminal defense". Yes, this was not cool and yeah I should've been more careful and put another address on my application. Not sure if any of you paid attention to the end of that paragraph or if maybe I just didn't make it clear, but this happened several months ago. She only went through the med school letters (I know that doesn't make it any better, but it's not like she constantly goes through my mail). As soon as I found out about it we had a long talk about how it was extremely inappropriate for her to hide this information from me when I was waiting to hear back from these schools. My mom apologized profusely and she has not done it since then. It is not a problem anymore and I do not plan on having her arrested.

I was pretty angry when I wrote this post and looking back I didn't mean to portray my mom in such a negative light. As a lot of you mentioned, my parents being immigrants and not having opportunities when they were younger has a lot to do with why they treat me this way. I'm very close with them and tell them mostly everything about my life. However, I think there are times where they genuinely forget that I am 22 years old. They know how bad I want this, and my mom was just trying to help her little girl in her eyes (even though it was the opposite of helping). She made a mistake in calling the school, but we're all human and we all make mistakes. We've moved passed it and it hopefully will not be a problem anymore.

And you will always be her little sweet little girl The two issues you created this thread for , are very minor and easily solvable. You are extremely lucky to have such a loving , caring mother. You will never be independent in your life. May be financially, one day, yes!!! But you will need people like your mother who truly cares about you with no expectations, to get through your life.

I wish you good luck to land a medical school acceptance. But please consider this request. If your parents have the money and want to fund your medical school education, please do not deprive them of that pleasure. You do not have to create an artificial obstacle (bank loan) and overcome it by paying them hundreds of thousands of dollars in interest , just prove that you are independent or win the approval of your friends. You are going to indebted to someone. Why not be that your parents? You can always pay them back if they accept or by just being there for them when they need you. Aren’t you going to inherit the same money at some point?

 

[HopeP]

@LoveAll I am melted !!!

 

[siliso]

Opening mail is a meh to me, I open my family’s mail to act on it (pay bills or whatever) or notify them of action that needs taken, with their understanding and acceptance that that’s my delegated role. Concealing information meant for them would be an overstep past that delegation. But we’re family, and families don’t generally take their interpersonal problems to federal authorities unless there’s a compelling reason.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

And you will always be her little sweet little girl The two issues you created this thread for , are very minor and easily solvable. You are extremely lucky to have such a loving , caring mother. You will never be independent in your life. May be financially, one day, yes!!! But you will need people like your mother who truly cares about you with no expectations, to get through your life.

I wish you good luck to land a medical school acceptance. But please consider this request. If your parents have the money and want to fund your medical school education, please do not deprive them of that pleasure. You do not have to create an artificial obstacle (bank loan) and overcome it by paying them hundreds of thousands of dollars in interest , just prove that you are independent or win the approval of your friends. You are going to indebted to someone. Why not be that your parents? You can always pay them back if they accept or by just being there for them when they need you. Aren’t you going to inherit the same money at some point?

Here comes another over involved parent who is going to ruin her daughter's medical school aspirations (sarcasm)

 

[stayathomemom]

Wow, what a thread.

Actual advice to OP: you can get your mail forwarded for free for a year (last time I checked) at the post office. It's a simple form to fill out, and they will forward all first-class mail to your new address. Rinse and repeat whenever you move. Many institutions also have an option to change your contact info in the portal. Another option: get a PO box. Do not use your home phone or parent's phone number, only your own.

Perspective of a non-trad applicant in her mid-30's:

As a former young adult who was parented very hands-off and basically ignored by her parents after age 16: My strength lies in the fact that I have always had to take care of myself. Nobody was going to step in and do things for me, so I learned to take care of it or suffer consequences. This has built some serious character, and has let me sail my own ship. While it was not always smooth sailing, I am happy with all of my major life decisions I've had to make, and I'm so glad I had the unfettered freedom to do so.

As a parent: Although I suggest activities for my kids (notably my oldest, a middle schooler), if they are not ambitious enough to jump through the hoops they are expected to jump through, I'm not going to drag them through it. They will suffer the natural consequences of not doing the thing. Once they are old enough to be expected to handle their affairs completely (age 18 aka adulthood), I will absolutely not be running their errands for them. I'll provide counsel when needed or maybe even give reminders, but I am not calling, emailing, filling out paperwork, making appointments, or visiting anyone on their behalf in order to propel their education/career. It's all on them. If they can't do it themselves, they should pick a different path until they are responsible enough to do so. (Exceptions will be made for adult children in crisis who need actual help [physical or mental health, safety, etc].)
I am actually hoping that me going back to school will help my kids to understand the importance of taking care of their own affairs (since I won't be around as much). I don't want to be running forgotten lunches and school projects to them straight through high school!

Edited to add: My spouse and I are planning on paying for *part* of their college educations, but the only contingency is that they perform to their abilities in their field of choice. I don't care what career they pick, as long as they're happy.

 

[siliso]

If your family wants to help you pay for med school: by all means! What a blessing! Repay them in love and gratitude your whole life long and care for them tenderly when they’re old. They can even support applying financially with application fees and travel expenses. They just can’t be openly or observably involved (calls, communications to admission staff) in the actual application process, without hurting your application.

 

[deleted804295]

Wow, now you are ready to throw poor mom into federal prison for opening mail, nice going! I hope you don't do that to your own mother.

I did not support OP's mom calling but at the same time i think it's blown out of proportion! I still find it odd that a school make note of a phone number from a general query call and try to tie it to applicants and penalize them. Everyone is entitled their own opinions in this free country and every school makes their own rules.

As per me participating in premed forum, SDN allows it and I registered myself as parent and pose questions as a parent. I could have easily pretended like so many trolls and avoid self righteous people like you! May be you should ask them to change rules! I know lot of parents check SDN and don't how many participate as parents or pretend to be students but as long as my son needs my guidance I will continue to assist him in his quest. It's better than paying thousands of dollars to admissions consultants!

My parents don't know how to use SDN. I enjoy how I go to them when I have issues with the medical school application process and not the other way around. I go to them for emotional support, not support through the process.

I have no family, no friends, and no relatives who are physicians and I'm doing just fine without my parents using a forum on how I can get into medical school. If your son is fine with that then fine but seriously consider letting him be an adult and figuring things out on his own.

 

[HopeP]

I think we are having half glass empty discussion here.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

My parents don't know how to use SDN. I enjoy how I go to them when I have issues with the medical school application process and not the other way around. I go to them for emotional support, not support through the process.

I have no family, no friends, and no relatives who are physicians and I'm doing just fine without my parents using a forum on how I can get into medical school. If your son is fine with that then fine but seriously consider letting him be an adult and figuring things out on his own.

deja vu all over again

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

If your family wants to help you pay for med school: by all means! What a blessing! Repay them in love and gratitude your whole life long and care for them tenderly when they’re old. They can even support applying financially with application fees and travel expenses. They just can’t be openly or observably involved (calls, communications to admission staff) in the actual application process, without hurting your application.

Again I didn't advocate for parents participating in actual application process.

 

[907914]

Again I didn't advocate for parents participating in actual application process.

Finding out information about the application process is 99% the effort of the application process.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

Finding out information about the application process is 99% the effort of the application process.

Really??

 

[907914]

Really??

I mean..... yah. I put probably 10X the effort into building a perfect school list, finding people to edit my PS and a comfortable network of people to exchange secondaries, finding out the exact timeline, when to study, how to study, when to take my MCAT, when to get LORs, what makes a good narrative, blah blah blah than actually crafting the narrative, writing the PS and so on.

The time commitment and devotion towards the actual execution of the application process is greater than the research, but the research is what really makes an applicant stand out as it shows just how prepared they are.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

I mean..... yah. I put probably 10X the effort into building a perfect school list, finding people to edit my PS and a comfortable network of people to exchange secondaries, finding out the exact timeline, when to study, how to study, when to take my MCAT, when to get LORs, what makes a good narrative, blah blah blah than actually crafting the narrative, writing the PS and so on.

The time commitment and devotion towards the actual execution of the application process is greater than the research, but the research is what really makes an applicant stand out as it shows just how prepared they are.

To me that's way too much time spent away from productive work. I spent time building perfect school list for him for UG based on his interests while he focused on things he loved to do and he had best outcomes in his class. Again his choice.

 

[907914]

Again his choice.

Again, and I say this with love and good intent, it sounds like you are simply indulging the wants of a very lazy child. Everyone who is telling you that you should step back is someone who has done everything that your son has done/is doing (some even more) AND what I just described to you.

 

[deleted927028]

I mean..... yah. I put probably 10X the effort into building a perfect school list, finding people to edit my PS and a comfortable network of people to exchange secondaries, finding out the exact timeline, when to study, how to study, when to take my MCAT, when to get LORs, what makes a good narrative, blah blah blah than actually crafting the narrative, writing the PS and so on.

The time commitment and devotion towards the actual execution of the application process is greater than the research, but the research is what really makes an applicant stand out as it shows just how prepared they are.

So, you have reached out to so many people for help. Why is it wrong if one of them happened to be a parent?

 

[907914]

So, you have reached out to so many people for help. Why is it wrong if one of them happened to be a parent?

Asking a parent for advice on something they inherently would know nothing about unless they were a physician is silly. Emotional support sure. Having them do research for you? No, that is silly.

 

[907914]

So, you have reached out to so many people for help. Why is it wrong if one of them happened to be a parent?

The people I reached out to are ADCOM members, residents, physicians, medical students, and many current applicants.

 

[deleted927028]

The people I reached out to are ADCOM members, residents, physicians, medical students, and many current applicants.

I get it. Why you are against it if your parent can also help you through his acquired knowledge? The goal is to learn the process , how does it matter how you learn or who help you to learn?

 

[907914]

I get it. Why you are against it if your parent can also help you through his acquired knowledge? The goal is to learn the process , how does it matter how you learn or who help you to learn?

It displays a dependency on mommy and daddy that is not healthy for a working professional.

 

[deleted927028]

I get it. Why you are against it if your parent can also help you through his acquired knowledge? The goal is to learn the process , how does it matter how you learn or who help you to learn?

My daughter is also a premed student. I have spent three months to gather some information or statistics that I thought would help her when she is ready to apply. No counselor can give her that information. Now can she afford to spend 3 months of her time while being a premed student? What is wrong if I help her when I have the time to do it?

 

[907914]

Now can she afford to spend 3 months of her time while being a premed student? What is wrong if I help her when I have the time to do it?

Yes she can. It hurts her by having her reliant on her parents instead of being an adult. It shows inability to partake in the basic minimum that is expected of a student (ie. To google the school before applying to it).

 

[deleted927028]

It displays a dependency on mommy and daddy that is not healthy for a working professional.

That’s a wrong assumption. My father helped me all the way till I got into college. That did not make me lazy or dependent . I was the first one to get into an engineering school from my village. I got into one of the topmost premier schools of my country and stood among top 5% of the class even though English was not the medium of instruction till my 12th grade. I am a highly successful professional. I am returning the same favor to my kid who happens to be an extremely hardworking, disciplined and self driven student. So don’t make assumptions of otherd

 

[deleted927028]

Yes she can. It hurts her by having her reliant on her parents instead of being an adult. It shows inability to partake in the basic minimum that is expected of a student (ie. To google the school before applying to it).

She is and will be doing all of it. I happened to be her one more resource. That’s all.

 

[candbgirl]

I don’t know why I’m getting involved with this but , oh well. I’d say 99 percent of the premed students on SDN come here because of the vast wealth of information that is shared by ADCOMS, doctors, residents, fellows, med students and other students. Questions are asked and answered with the best information available. If something needs further explanation the inquiry process continues. Always with the goal of helping the premed questioner develop the best possible application. When a parent, wife, husband, SO, sibling etc. offers to help the focus can shift. Questions are asked and answered, but the questioner might not get the nuances of an answer. What is important to the premed might not even be an after thought to someone just asking questions and reporting them back to the premed student. Something can and I suppose does get lost in the translation. And that can be detrimental. Another big thing about SDN is the wealth of information that is already here. Do a search and your questions might already have an answer. Or the answer might lead to another question. Or just spending time reading the vast amounts of information is useful.

By doing this all for your child he is missing out on a big part of the process. And the process is time consuming and drives people crazy but when you press submit on the application it’s a great feeling. To know that you juggled studying, ECs, volunteering, working, traveling , researching etc. and now you are ready to share it with med schools- well it’s a pretty great. You know YOU have done your best. And if you are accepted it is amazing. And millions of premed students have been doing this for years and they have somehow managed to get it all done and come out successfully.

I know you won’t change and maybe your child is delighted you are doing this for him but maybe this will give you something to think about.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

Again, and I say this with love and good intent, it sounds like you are simply indulging the wants of a very lazy child. Everyone who is telling you that you should step back is someone who has done everything that your son has done/is doing (some even more) AND what I just described to you.

I believe in you 100% and you give balanced responses. Lazyness in not a word you can use against my son. He is hard working and extremely smart kid. I don't know how many kids do more stuff rhan him. He has different priorities and he trusts my judgement. I know those who are giving advice here are giving with good intentions but I do see things differently. I think this whole admissions process is out of control and no one should be spending this much of time figuring out the process and applying to 20+ schools in addition to spending hundreds if not thousands of hours to get into medical school.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

I don’t know why I’m getting involved with this but , oh well. I’d say 99 percent of the premed students on SDN come here because of the vast wealth of information that is shared by ADCOMS, doctors, residents, fellows, med students and other students. Questions are asked and answered with the best information available. If something needs further explanation the inquiry process continues. Always with the goal of helping the premed questioner develop the best possible application. When a parent, wife, husband, SO, sibling etc. offers to help the focus can shift. Questions are asked and answered, but the questioner might not get the nuances of an answer. What is important to the premed might not even be an after thought to someone just asking questions and reporting them back to the premed student. Something can and I suppose does get lost in the translation. And that can be detrimental. Another big thing about SDN is the wealth of information that is already here. Do a search and your questions might already have an answer. Or the answer might lead to another question. Or just spending time reading the vast amounts of information is useful.

By doing this all for your child he is missing out on a big part of the process. And the process is time consuming and drives people crazy but when you press submit on the application it’s a great feeling. To know that you juggled studying, ECs, volunteering, working, traveling , researching etc. and now you are ready to share it with med schools- well it’s a pretty great. You know YOU have done your best. And if you are accepted it is amazing.

I know you won’t change and maybe your child is delighted you are doing this for him but maybe this will give you something to think about.

Valid points. My son does talk to lot of people including his seniors and medical students. In fact he had a long conversation with a UCSF student today about MCAT and I didn't participate in it )) He simply has no appetite for SDN or college confidential and I like engaging with strangers more than him lol

 

[907914]

no one should be spending this much of time figuring out the process and applying to 20+ schools in addition to spending hundreds if not thousands of hours to get into medical school.

I think we can all agree on this. Students also shouldn’t have to spend 11 years of post high school education to become a primary care provider. But unfortunately, how things should be and reality are two different beasts.

 

[907914]

like engaging with strangers more than him

This is the detrimental part. By agreeing to do it for him you are not allowing him to get out of his comfort zone. Being a physician means literally meeting with and talking to a new stranger every 10 minutes, whether a patient, a consult, a new charge nurse, or that one biller/scheduler whose face you know but you just don’t care enough to remember her name....Literally engagement with strangers in a positive manner IS being a physician, and you are stripping that experience from your son by doing it for him.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

I think we can all agree on this. Students also shouldn’t have to spend 11 years of post high school education to become a primary care provider. But unfortunately, how things should be and reality are two different beasts.

Finally we agree on something lol. FYI - My spouse is a physician and I have been following the medical field over 20 years and talk with lot of physicians. It's an out of control system.

 

[deleted804295]

I believe in you 100% and you give balanced responses. Lazyness in not a word you can use against my son. He is hard working and extremely smart kid. I don't know how many kids do more stuff rhan him. He has different priorities and he trusts my judgement. I know those who are giving advice here are giving with good intentions but I do see things differently. I think this whole admissions process is out of control and no one should be spending this much of time figuring out the process and applying to 20+ schools in addition to spending hundreds if not thousands of hours to get into medical school.

And yet people do it. I'm balancing taking care of sick family members, working for my siblings, having absolutely no medical social network and I am still able to do SDN along with my premed work.

Forget about amazing people on this site like @Lucca and @MemeLord who is literally raising a family in his early 20s while also serving his nation.

Part of this application process requires grit and growing up and that can't be done if mommy and daddy are doing all of the work.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

This is the detrimental part. By agreeing to do it for him you are not allowing him to get out of his comfort zone. Being a physician means literally meeting with and talking to a new stranger every 10 minutes, whether a patient, a consult, a new charge nurse, or that one biller/scheduler whose face you know but you just don’t care enough to remember her name....Literally engagement with strangers in a positive manner IS being a physician, and you are stripping that experience from your son by doing it for him.

strangers being relying on advice from anonymous forum posters on important stuff he is very active on reddit (not premed stuff).

 

[907914]

strangers being relying on advice from anonymous forum posters on important stuff he is very active on reddit (not premed stuff).

I did exactly this (relying on anonymous forum posters) almost exclusively and here I am...on my first of four interviews, 3 T20s...and it is barely August....So...yah, relying on anonymous forum posters has been crucial to my success as an applicant.

Edit: This is not a intended as a brag, this is to emphasize the point of how useful it is for the student to directly engage in SDN if they choose to utilize this resource.

 

[907914]

I did exactly this (relying on anonymous forum posters) almost exclusively and here I am...on my first of four interviews, 3 T20s...and it is barely August....So...yah, relying on anonymous forum posters has been crucial to my success as an applicant.

Sorry, @calipremed5768 I forgot the (no brag)

 

[ciestar]

This is the detrimental part. By agreeing to do it for him you are not allowing him to get out of his comfort zone. Being a physician means literally meeting with and talking to a new stranger every 10 minutes, whether a patient, a consult, a new charge nurse, or that one biller/scheduler whose face you know but you just don’t care enough to remember her name....Literally engagement with strangers in a positive manner IS being a physician, and you are stripping that experience from your son by doing it for him.

For real.
My patient the other day is currently incarcerated. Not mant pre-med experiences can set you up for that. I think this is a lot of the why Goro tells EVERYONE to get out of their comfort zones a bit.