Patients Say The Darndest Things

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I have one now that I think about it:

Dr to pt "have you noticed any difference in your personality lately"
Pt: "no"
Dr to wife/daughter (forget which it was): "have you noticed any change in his behavior in the last few days"
Wife/daughter: No

3 hrs later pt to nurse: "yesterday before I knew it, I realized I had shot several bullets into the house and I was holding a gun"

...then psych consult was called.
 
86 yo F comes in for palpitations after calling 911, arrives in ED w/ SVT.
Dr: We're giving you medicine to slow down you heart.
PT: I don't need any dos' fancy drugs. Thats how u docta's make all yo' moeny giving me things I dunt need.
 
c/c on triage form: "Open womb"
Laceration on the leg...I guess she meant "open wound"
 
Me to pt: "where did the blood on your shoe come from?"
Pt: "my butt"
Asked dr for further clarification (they had already seen her) - actually from her leg...slight difference in the medical world there
 
CC: itchy teeth need vicodin
Since when did a 14-18 yo F coming in for "yeast infection" become code for I'm sleeping around and my mom was in the triage room?
 
"When I'm cold, sometimes my body shakes."
I guess she had to complain about something...her PMD sent her over to the ER asymptomatic for "abnormal ECG". I love that....
 
Not to highjack the thread or anything, but there is a special subset of things people say preceding/during/immediately after rectal and pelvic exams that deserves notice.

Several men have given me some version of "I usually at least ask someone out to dinner before I let them do that".

I had a 20 some year old morbidly obese woman ask me, as I started the pelvic exam, "What's it look like down there?". Uh... where do you start with that?
 
highdesert said:
Not to highjack the thread or anything, but there is a special subset of things people say preceding/during/immediately after rectal and pelvic exams that deserves notice.

Several men have given me some version of "I usually at least ask someone out to dinner before I let them do that".

I had a 20 some year old morbidly obese woman ask me, as I started the pelvic exam, "What's it look like down there?". Uh... where do you start with that?
Click to expand...

Goes along with "every time I come in here you tell me to drop my pants" (prostate examinee)

I've also heard the dinner statement somewhere.

and then there's the guy that comes in knowing he has gonorrhea "can she turn around please, this is kind of embarrassing" (it wasn't his first time either)....my thoughts were, wasn't too embarrassing until you got it again or too embarrassing for a female to see your parts? Either way I found it funny...esp since I turned around and there was a reflective surface there...
 
"I smoke crack but I aint no crackhead"
 
"He smokes weed because it helps him with his dialysis"
 
"I think i just need a bandaid or a stitch or two." my patient said as I started to unwrap his wrapped up thumb. However I stopped when his thumb started to fall off.... He needed a bit more than a bandaid😱
 
me: any other medical problems?
pt: yeah, i have problem's with my bone destiny
me: right on
 
The other day:

Me: "Any heart problems?"
Patient: "None."
Me: "What's that scar on your chest?"
Patient: "Oh, I had a bypass surgery."
Me: "And that lump near your shoulder?"
Patient: "Oh I had a pacemaker put in."

5 minutes later as I review his discharge summary from two years ago: Large MI with three-vessel disease requiring emergent CABG, V-fib arrest requiring an AICD/pacer (with subsequent permanent pacing due to a bradycardia induced syncope), CHF with an EF of 20%, now on warfarin.

Me: "You had a heart attack before?"
Patient: "Yea, about two years ago."
Me: "That's a lot of stuff for someone with no heart problems."
Patient: "Well you didn't ask me about cardiac problems, you asked about heart problems!"
 
That's a good one southerndoc. I have one from the other week.

CC: 59 yo male with poor urine stream (yes, quite the emergency)

Dr: A lot of men your age have trouble with this because of an enlarged prostate. I'll need to do a rectal exam.
Pt: On who?
Dr: Sir, on you. Doing a quick rectal exam is the easiest way to check for prostate size and shape. If I feel any lumps or asymmetry, I'll want to do a blood test. May I do the exam?
Pt: Well...(long pause)...can't I just do it myself?
 
VALSALVA said:
That's a good one southerndoc. I have one from the other week.

CC: 59 yo male with poor urine stream (yes, quite the emergency)

Dr: A lot of men your age have trouble with this because of an enlarged prostate. I'll need to do a rectal exam.
Pt: On who?
Dr: Sir, on you. Doing a quick rectal exam is the easiest way to check for prostate size and shape. If I feel any lumps or asymmetry, I'll want to do a blood test. May I do the exam?
Pt: Well...(long pause)...can't I just do it myself?
Click to expand...

At least he was "warming up" to the idea of a rectal exam. Just too bad that a DRE on yourself isn't diagnostic, it's just considered pleasuring yourself.😀😀:hardy:
 
highdesert said:
I had a 20 some year old morbidly obese woman ask me, as I started the pelvic exam, "What's it look like down there?". Uh... where do you start with that?
Click to expand...


LOL what do you say to that? seriously!
 
Recently had a couple patients that made me laugh..

Had just opened up a pilonidal cyst of which the smell was overpowering...

Patient: "Oh! that smells like someone been having sex for days and not wash their booty".

Wanted to ask her why she knows what that smells like.

Another patient...

Me: "Sir, any medical conditions run in your family?"
Patient: "Son.... stupidity runs in my family".
 
Me: Sir, do you have any medical problems we should know about?
PT: No I think I'm doing ok.
(I look at the chart: CAD, MI, TIA, CVA, COPD, DM II, CHF, renal failure, hep c, CABG x 2)


or how about 15 YO vag bleeder:
me: Is there any chance you could be pregnant?
Pt: No.
Me: Are you sexualy active?
PT: Yes.
Me: Do you practice safe sex?
PT: Yeah I have a gun in the dresser.
 
Dukes said:
Recently had a couple patients that made me laugh..

Had just opened up a pilonidal cyst of which the smell was overpowering...

Patient: "Oh! that smells like someone been having sex for days and not wash their booty".

Wanted to ask her why she knows what that smells like.

Another patient...

Me: "Sir, any medical conditions run in your family?"
Patient: "Son.... stupidity runs in my family".
Click to expand...

I wish all patients were this honest. :laugh::laugh:
 
EM2BE said:
I wish all patients were this honest. :laugh::laugh:
Click to expand...

So years ago at a military ED/clinic the medic in front takes the complaint down and the vital signs and the Doc calls the patient back.

So on a night when the medic in front was a sweet gorgeous young thing who was also "Miss Eglin AFB" that year, I call back a guy with a chief complaint of "foot problem".

"So Airman, whats wrong with your foot?"

"Well Doc, it's the pus that keeps dripping on it from my penis!"
 
BKN said:
"So Airman, whats wrong with your foot?"

"Well Doc, it's the pus that keeps dripping on it from my penis!"
Click to expand...

That's just classic!!! Quite a genius way to hide from the embarassment of having CC as "penile discharge".

I had a similar one with a young female. CC was "thigh abscess" or "thigh pus". After a quickly questioning the pt, I realize that there is no abscess on the thigh and no actual problem with her thigh besides the fact that her thigh is just the resting area for the overflowing amount of vaginal discharge and I guess the triage nurse thought that it was an abscess. Let's just say the pt was so familiar witht he treatment of GC/Chlamyd that she told me the medication that she needed along with the route of administration for each prior to me telling her. Good to see that the pts are educated about the treatment, now all we need to do is to stop her from getting the infection in the first place.
 
Me: What brings you here today?

Pt: I don't know.

Me: Well, what can I help you with?

Pt: You can't!

Me: *long blank stare*
 
Ceez said:
Me: What brings you here today?

Pt: I don't know.

Me: Well, what can I help you with?

Pt: You can't!

Me: *long blank stare*
Click to expand...

I've probably already said this at some point but if you're at the VA and ask 100 vets "What brings you to see me today?", you'll get the following breakdown of answers.
30 will say: "My pickup"
30 will say: "I got a letter that said I had to come in."
30 will say: "My wife"
5 will say: "Who are you and where am I?"
5 will actually give you something (very) vaguely related to a chief complaint.
 
Sorry....I'm trolling, but had to get in on this one! Being an Ob/Gyn resident, I'm sure you all can just imagine the things I see and hear on a daily basis. Here's a few of my favorites:

Nurse: Dr.T, there's a lady in room 8 who is bleeding VERY heavily
Me: is she pregnant?
Nurse: no, she's 58
Me: is she peri-menopausal?
Nurse: ummm, no.....it seems she was having a little too much fun with her boyfriend and his ring cut her.
Me: ok......

Exam: large cervical & vaginal wall tears, bleeding profusely.

Seems the couple were "fisting" and got carried away........😱

------------
One of my frequent flyer Ob patients in triage for vaginal discharge (she's 23yo & 8mos along at this point...with 4 other kids at home)

Me: everything going ok?
pt: yeah, but I got ridda my baby daddy yesterday.
Me: oh, sorry to hear that....do you have enough help at home?
pt: oh, I dunt need no help. Besides, I'm gunna get me some of his cousin....he FINE. I'm going to go home tonight and get me sum o dat!!

--------

True story from one of our nurses:
Nurse: What kinda of birth control do you use?
Pt: anal sex
--------

And on a DAILY basis.....

Me: What brings you in today?
Pt: They think I have an ex-topical pregnancy....
---------

And of course, I could go on for HOURS about the interesting names people come up with for various parts of the female anatomy 😉
 
Met someone the other day who said his wife suffered from post-mortem depression.
 
I had a patient tell me that the vaginal discharge she'd started getting since she'd started cheating on her husband smelled like a dead chicken.

Then she proceeded to hold up a plastic bag which contained her underwear so that I could smell for myself.

I declined...yuck. All I could think of is..."is this really my life right now?"
 
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