pchem joke for pchem sufferers

[UDbiochem]

the thread below that talks about "you know you're a premed when..." reminded me of this i got a while ago from a friend. Enjoy! we just did thermodynamics in my pchem class, so i thoroughly enjoyed this.

"The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the
following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and
the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
Conlon during my Freshman year," ...that it will be a cold day in
Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.*

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[judoka]

that's damn funny...

 

[Pontifex Maximus]

I've heard it before, but its still good

 

[SJBX]

Prof. Dybowski is the greatest PCHEM prof EVER...That is unless he is competing against Prof. Munson, of course.

UDbiochem knows what I'm talking about....

 

[UDbiochem]

yeah... um.. i'm in the lower level, 418 with Duan, but i know Dybowski. I think I was too stupid for Dybowski's class, i dropped to 418 after a week. Munson is way better.

 

[Street Philosopher]

i believe this story precedes the creation of the internet.

 

[BerkeleyPremed]

Pretty good story. Guess chemists do have a sense of humor afterall. One can't tell at all by looking at the chemistry professors in this school..

 

[kg9921]

Yesterday my chem prof drew a circle of Iron symbols, referred to it as a Ferrous Wheel, and giggled like a schoolgirl for the remainder of the lecture.

 

[group_theory]

A ubiquitous Fe-rich Male compound - FeMale - posesses a considerable number of beneficial properties. Frequently highly decorative in the native form, FeMale is a proven aphrodisiac and a versatile detergent. There are also reasons to believe that FeMale plays a crucial role in human reproduction and child-rearing.

Despite the existence of vast archives of experimental data, the reaction pathways involving FeMale are at best poorly understood.

FeMale is unstable in an oxidizing atmosphere and has been known to spontaneously ignite at room temperature. As a consequence FeMale is rather difficult to work with.

The magnetic behaviour points towards polymorphism. It varies from sample to sample ranging from moderately antiferromagnetic to very strongly ferromagnetic. Curiously, some antiferromagnetic specimens appear to undergo a spin transition when exposed to alcohol-rich atmospheres (the well documented Beer-Goggles effect).

Given the availability of reactive Fe, FeMale forms readily in Male- dominated environments and under favourable circumstances may persist over geological time. FeMale may thus prove to be of considerable importance on a global scale as an Fe- and Male- reservoir.

 

[CD]

Two new additions to periodic table of the elements:


Element name: Woman

Symbol: Wo
Atomic weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.



Element Name: Man

Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging, samples, are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Kid) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possible good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.