Personal Statement Insight

[dasitman]

---

Members don't see this ad.

Afternoon all,

First time poster here;

I apologize if my post is wrong in any way. However, I have completed my personal statement, and am to send off my applications to the DO schools I have chosen shortly. All I need is my last letter of rec from an ED doctor I used to scribe for. Please let me know how my personal statement is looking, and if it is too detail oriented. Please give me your overall opinion, and don't be afraid to be too harsh. I know personal statements being weak can often times be the determining factor for secondaries, and don't want to be part of that community. Thank you all!

 

[BobbyKoch]

Compelling story. Simplify the prose, as suggested above.

I did not get a clear and convincing sense of why you want to be a physician.

 

[dasitman]

I am halfway through. So far I would recommend taking out the alliteration in paragraph 1 and big words like “precipitated” and “circadian rhythm” and write using very simple words. It feels like you picked up a thesaurus just to insert big words. It did get interesting in the second paragraph.

I can finish reading it later but the language is really flowery which makes it a little hard to follow at some points. But so far I think the background story is interesting. Just not a fan of the word choice.

Okay I can do that, less is more when it comes to words then? I can simplify and tone down the verbosity given that information. When it comes to the story itself, would you say the structure is well-crafted? As in that it does not seem to favor discussing one tenet of my story too much? I have plenty to talk about, but with the character count it limits me haha.

Thank you so much though for the help!

 

[dasitman]

Compelling story. Simplify the prose, as suggested above.

I did not get a clear and convincing sense of why you want to be a physician.

Will do! Thanks!
How would my drive and compassion be better illustrated given the information within my personal statement so far? I've enjoyed each of the 3 different hospitals I've worked at so far, giving back to the community has provided me with warmth and happiness. I want to be part of the community who has given my family something that no other work force could provide. I've found myself within this field (in a way with scribing), and each provider I've encountered proves to me more and more that this is what I am meant to do. sorry for the long winded response, just want to nail my applications on the first run this year!

Thanks for the help!!

 

[pms_testosterone]

As other people have said, the prose in the opening story is too flowery. You also spend too much of your limited word count on the story. If possible, cut it down to 1/3 of the essay max.
Paragraphs 4-6, dealing with your volunteer experiences, currently read like a checklist. You should really expand on these experiences and let readers know what you accomplished there & what you learned from the experiences.

 

[dasitman]

Very good points all! Thank you for all of your help on this! I can definitely see that my statement needs some revision in regards to my introduction story, and beefing up my latter experiences. I did make my experiences choppy and short compared to my introduction, and need to change that! More focus should fall on what was done on my part, and what I was able to take away from the experiences. Thanks again , I'm truly appreciative!

P.s. would anyone know here if I'm running too late on this cycle for D.O schools? First time applicant here and my neuroticism has slowly been creeping up on me. Going to be applying very broadly, and hoping applying for financial aid on applications don't take too long to process

 

[deleted966164]

I’d DEFINITELY not use “lower level of society”. Also, in the first paragraph maybe focus more on the medical and less on the... canine?

 

[dasitman]

Hi All
I went back and overhauled the PS. I decided to keep the basic structure, but cut down on the story, give insight why the story drove me into medicine, and why my experiences prepared me for medicine! Please take a look once more if able, and let me know if I went the right route this time around! Thanks everyone!

 

[dasitman]

Lots of great feedback, thank you all! It seems the general consensus is to find a way to remove paragraph 1, so it shall be done. I can definitely try to work on emphasizing the emotion felt during the physician saving my brother's life. I would like to keep the scribing part as it is one of the major details of myself working towards being a physician. I have no clinical volunteering, my clinical hours consist of scribing. I've been doing it for nearly 3 years now. I would like to add in my hobbies of working on vehicles and caring for animals that we had in my household growing up. It will be interesting to try and tie it into medicine. I feel as if the mechanics of a vehicle, and the empathy given towards home pets tie somewhat in with medicine. Other hobbies would simply entail exercising; I sadly do not have many interesting hobbies lol

 

[Osminog]

Overall, I enjoyed reading the first version way more than the second version. In my opinion, with less awkward wording and misused vocab, better pacing, and a more clear connection between this incident and your passion for medicine, the first version would be very good. The second version just seems dry to me, and it lacks the features that make for a good story.

 

[dasitman]

So then bring back the story from the first, but simplify it and then incorporate the style I had from the second story with tying in my experiences to the field of medicine? (rather than just listing them) My main concern is to not be one of the individuals who don't get the secondary due to a lackluster personal statement. However, I've heard a good majority of the PS don't really evoke much of a response to begin with

 

[dasitman]

Just wanted to follow up and thank everyone in this thread for your assistance! I submitted my primaries a week ago and have received lots of secondaries. Thank you all for the help with my PS, I am sure it helped a ton!

 

[Osminog]

Just wanted to follow up and thank everyone in this thread for your assistance! I submitted my primaries a week ago and have received lots of secondaries. Thank you all for the help with my PS, I am sure it helped a ton!

Most DO schools send secondaries to anybody who meets their cutoffs... Doesn’t have anything to do with your PS, lol.

 

[dasitman]

Eh I wanted to send my thanks regardless. But ok

 

[BobbyKoch]

best of luck in your application cycle!

 

[dasitman]

best of luck in your application cycle!

Thank you!