Please help...Long distance relationship in EM residency and med school

[dayumgina]

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Hi everyone,

The situation is...I met the love of my life who is currently a 4th year med student. He'll start his EM residency this year in Manhattan. We are so happy together, we're living together, would love to get engaged when the time is right, etc. etc. I absolutely love him, and he is my other half.

I applied to both PhD programs and med school, because I thought I would be okay with going to either one and I really wanted to end up where he would be for residency. I got into a PhD program in New York and med school in Boston. When it came time to let go of my Boston med school acceptance though, I couldn't do it. I really want this, and I have been working so hard towards it.

Since I've gotten in though, I've been a complete mess. I can't decide what to do, because I'm losing something so important to me either way. Is it even possible to do a residency and med school long distance relationship between NYC and Boston?? I think it would be fine 1st year (I get to skip out of a bunch of 1st year courses and could move to NYC between Jan - Aug, long story), but what about after that? His program is 3 years long.

I should probably also note that if this doesn't work out, I'm going to feel like I ruined the best thing that's happened to me. I'm seriously questioning whether med school is worth that risk.

I feel like I have to choose between my career and the love of my life, and it hurts, it sucks, and I don't know what to do.

Can anyone shed light on this?

Thanks,

dayumgina

 

[Re3iRtH]

You may have to clarify some things.
What do you want to do with your life? Become a physician,
or become a scientist? Take it from me, Ph.D students are A LOT
more flexible with their time, and tend to enjoy life more than a med
student. Why did you apply to both? Was it to increase the possibility
to be with your boyfriend, or was it because you see yourself doing
both as a career? Hard to answer your question without these details.

 

[Kedan]

I should probably also note that if this doesn't work out, I'm going to feel like I ruined the best thing that's happened to me. I'm seriously questioning whether med school is worth that risk.

I feel like I have to choose between my career and the love of my life, and it hurts, it sucks, and I don't know what to do.

Can anyone shed light on this?

Thanks,

dayumgina

And if you don't go to Boston you'll spend the rest of your life thinking what if and probably resenting him for it. Did you happen to ask him about this? He might be up for the long distance relationship.

BTW to answer your question: I would go to Boston, but then I'm a random stranger on the internet

 

[chaicos]

If this relationship is worth a lifetime together, then, you will have no problem going to med school. This person can wait for you. Med school won't. People go to war for years to return to their true love. Don't do something that might limit who you want to be in the future. If things don't work out, you might blame that person for the irreversible consequences. Nothing can take away your education.
Good luck.

 

[dlung]

I think once you take a step back, you'll realize Boston-NYC is not that bad. That's a short, easy, cheap bus ride. And, you're in the same time zone.

Worst case is that there will be plenty of long distance couples that will envy you. One of my co-residents has stayed with her boyfriend in the Midwest for the past 3 years. My wife and I were engaged and lived West Coast-East Coast during intern year before a transfer worked out.

If you guys are truly engaged/married-committed to each other, then start working on transferring both ways and then probably at least one way will work. It happens more often than you'd think. It will actually probably be 10x easier for you to transfer med schools than him to transfer residency.

 

[dayumgina]

Thanks for your replies. I should clarify. I have a lot of outside interests, and a lot of strengths. Ultimately, in the most general of terms, I want to be able to affect people's lives. I truly believe in preventive medicine and would love to work in that field.

With that being said...the PhD program is a fellowship (full ride + stipend for 2 years) in Nutrition. I can envision myself getting my PhD and R.D. and either opening a private practice with other physicians or starting my own company in corporate wellness. My biggest concern is that a PhD program is extremely, extremely unstable. With the economy now, it is so difficult to predict whether I could continue to receive funding, how long it would take me to finish the degree, and what the job outlook would be once I finish.

Medicine has been a long time interest of mine. I believe at one point, when I was a kid up until this past year, it has been a burning desire. I don't know what happened this year, whether it was finding out more about the realities of healthcare, what med school and the lifestyle of medicine entails or what it was exactly, but my passion has waned slightly. Nevertheless, it's something I've worked so unbelievably hard for and will always wonder "what if" should I not pursue it.

If I knew the PhD route could work out well, meaning I could continue with what I mentioned above, I'd do it.

There are two main concerns here:
1) Will I regret investing so much in a relationship?
2) What if the PhD route fails, and I regret not going to med school?

 

[MrBurns10]

I highly highly recommend you don't give up your career dreams for someone else, regardless if it's your husband, fiance, or (especially) boyfriend. If your relationship is strong enough, it will last. And NY and boston are only a few hour train ride. If your future school streams lectures online, you can even spend part of the week in NY and still be productive.

It kind of sounds like you two haven't been together for very long and that you may be in that "honeymoon" period. If that's the case, I would cautious you greatly about making any decisions in favor of moving to be with him right now. It has been scientifically proven that in the history of mankind, no rational decision has ever been made while in the honeymoon phase of a relationship.*

Good luck. You'll be fine!


*reference: Carter BJ, Franklin KE, Jameson LL. Faulty decision-making in the relationship honeymoon phase and its consequences: a systematic review. New Engl J Med. 2004:14(3)891-98.

 

[smq123]

What does your boyfriend think? He's probably seen his classmates have their share of long-distance relationships during his 4 years of med school. Does he feel it can work? Or is he not optimistic at all?

Second of all, do you want to be a doctor? Don't think about "Oh, I've invested so much time in this," or "I've wanted this for so long." Do you want it now? That's the question. And it's okay to honestly say to yourself that, actually, you don't - lots of people realize that, and they realize it after financially investing themselves up to their necks. Being a physician isn't necessarily the greatest job on earth, and it isn't for everyone. There's no shame in realizing that.

Finally, it's against the SDN TOS to have the same thread posted in multiple forums. Someone is probably going to send you a little reminder about that at one point. 😳

I know it's tough, and you have all my sympathy. 🙁 It's one of the crappiest parts about medical education - it's still designed around the antiquated idea that the man is a doctor, who is married to a housewife who could move wherever he was sent. Medicine is taking a long time to catch up to modern-day realities.

Good luck. I hope it all works out for you, no matter what you decide.

 

[xanthines]

Have you talked to him about it? Is he OK with being in an long-distance relationship? Believe it or not, you'll have the time (not necessarily the money) to visit him when you're in med school. Also, with the phone, internet, skyping, video chatting, etc, it makes a long-distance relationship a little more bearable. Hopefully he will be supportive and tell you to follow your dreams and he'll be happy to try and help in any way he can.

-X

P.S. Residents also get vacation time, an EM work is shift work so he should be able to visit you as well.

 

[dayumgina]

whoops! I never really go on SDN...pardon me!

 

[nick_carraway]

I highly highly recommend you don't give up your career dreams for someone else, regardless if it's your husband, fiance, or (especially) boyfriend. If your relationship is strong enough, it will last. And NY and boston are only a few hour train ride. If your future school streams lectures online, you can even spend part of the week in NY and still be productive.

It kind of sounds like you two haven't been together for very long and that you may be in that "honeymoon" period. If that's the case, I would cautious you greatly about making any decisions in favor of moving to be with him right now. It has been scientifically proven that in the history of mankind, no rational decision has ever been made while in the honeymoon phase of a relationship.*


*reference: Carter BJ, Franklin KE, Jameson LL. Faulty decision-making in the relationship honeymoon phase and its consequences: a systematic review. New Engl J Med. 2004:14(3)891-98.

Seconded. The distance doesn't seem catastrophic to me. You'll be able to visit one another during less hectic weekends and you might even be grateful for the distance when you have to put in long hours in the library and he has to put in long hours at the hospital.

Three years isn't that much time and between the phone, video chat, and weekends together, I don't see the massive problem.

One question: what does he think about all this drama?

 

[Optimator]

.

 

[smq123]

whoops! I never really go on SDN...pardon me!

No worries! 🙂 It's not a big deal, just a small "heads-up."

 

[Depakote]

I've merged the various threads into this forum (with redirects). Please continue the discussion here.

Thanks.

 

[WannaBePreMed]

I highly highly recommend you don't give up your career dreams for someone else, regardless if it's your husband, fiance, or (especially) boyfriend. If your relationship is strong enough, it will last. And NY and boston are only a few hour train ride. If your future school streams lectures online, you can even spend part of the week in NY and still be productive.

It kind of sounds like you two haven't been together for very long and that you may be in that "honeymoon" period. If that's the case, I would cautious you greatly about making any decisions in favor of moving to be with him right now. It has been scientifically proven that in the history of mankind, no rational decision has ever been made while in the honeymoon phase of a relationship.*

Good luck. You'll be fine!


*reference: Carter BJ, Franklin KE, Jameson LL. Faulty decision-making in the relationship honeymoon phase and its consequences: a systematic review. New Engl J Med. 2004:14(3)891-98.

Third. Career over young love.

 

[dayumgina]

Thanks everyone...looks like I'm going to just have to try for this med school thing. I've thought about the possibility of transferring (maybe??). We shall see. Many thanks for your pearls of wisdom.

 

[todds]

The numbers add up. If both of you put in the effort, you guys can see each other every weekend without a problem. Go to Boston and become an MD. Getting a PhD is real risky with the economy + the glut of PhDs already out there. Plus, he'll be doing residency so its not like you'll be able to spend THAT much time with him anyways.

First two years, you should have a good amount of free time to schedule how you like. Therefore you can schedule in advance to be there when he has days off/light days. YOu can definitely spend every weekend + a couple weeknights together for the first couple years. Boston to NY is a small distance.

His program is 3 years correct? If so, and you really want to make things work without much strain on your relationship, take a year off after 2nd year to do research or something else while he completes his 3rd year residency.

Hopefully then he'll be able to be somewhere closer to you during your clinical years.

You CAN definitely make this work.

 

[smq123]

You CAN definitely make this work.

She can make it work if her boyfriend is on board with this plan as well.

Trying to make long distance relationships is NEVER a one-sided deal. Both parties have to put forth an equal (or relatively equal) effort to make it work. Otherwise, it becomes sad, painful, and bitter.

 

[qmcat]

I highly highly recommend you don't give up your career dreams for someone else, regardless if it's your husband, fiance, or (especially) boyfriend. If your relationship is strong enough, it will last. And NY and boston are only a few hour train ride. If your future school streams lectures online, you can even spend part of the week in NY and still be productive.

It kind of sounds like you two haven't been together for very long and that you may be in that "honeymoon" period. If that's the case, I would cautious you greatly about making any decisions in favor of moving to be with him right now. It has been scientifically proven that in the history of mankind, no rational decision has ever been made while in the honeymoon phase of a relationship.*

Good luck. You'll be fine!


*reference: Carter BJ, Franklin KE, Jameson LL. Faulty decision-making in the relationship honeymoon phase and its consequences: a systematic review. New Engl J Med. 2004:14(3)891-98.

is this a real reference? i can't seem to find the article.

i agree with following your dreams though. "the most important relationship you'll ever have is the relationship with yourself... because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself" -DVF

 

[MrBurns10]

is this a real reference? i can't seem to find the article.

haha no, sorry. It was meant as a joke.

 

[qmcat]

haha no, sorry. It was meant as a joke.

haha yea i was kind of assuming so... when i first saw it i couldn't believe that someone would actually do a study on something like that.

 

[chiz2kul]

It has been scientifically proven that in the history of mankind, no rational decision has ever been made while in the honeymoon phase of a relationship.*
*reference: Carter BJ, Franklin KE, Jameson LL. Faulty decision-making in the relationship honeymoon phase and its consequences: a systematic review. New Engl J Med. 2004:14(3)891-98.

is this a real reference? i can't seem to find the article.

haha no, sorry. It was meant as a joke.

Hahaha that is hilarious right there

 

[Jolie South]

is this a real reference? i can't seem to find the article.

i agree with following your dreams though. "the most important relationship you'll ever have is the relationship with yourself... because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself" -DVF

you just quoted "The City."

 

[nina1985]

I've been in a long distance relationship for a couple years and am expecting another when I start med school this fall. My philosophy has been that if we're really meant to be together, than the distance will not break us up.

Making the choice to be away from the person you love can be very confusing. Make sure you and your boyfriend are clear about your expectations and if possible, agree upon the length of the time that you will be living apart. Also, find a way to stay calm, especially while transitioning into the distance.

I agree with other posters: Boston-NYC is definitely a doable distance. You'll be very lucky to be able to spend your weekends to together.
I've found Alaska-Ohio and Ohio-Beijing to be doable as well. Skype is a beautiful thing!

 

[Eudjinn]

To be honest Boston-NYC is not a huge deal. At WORST you should be able to spend every other weekend together. I got news for you: even if you lived 5 minutes apart the amount of time you could spend together would still be limited (I live 5 minutes from my gf and we still mainly only see each other 2x a week during the weekend). If it's meant to be, it's meant to be and nothing will break you apart.

In this particular scenario, I think you can have your cake and eat it too. Do not deny yourself a once in a lifetime opportunity. Definitely have a heart to heart with the your guy and see what he says.

 

[qmcat]

you just quoted "The City."

yea. i'm a guy and i watch "the city". i'm such a loser. good thing the internet keeps me anonymous though. 😉