Pre-Med Dealing With Extremely Manipulative and Controlling Parents

[zwitter]

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There is only one thing left to do OP




DANCE OFF

 

[Parietal Lobe]

And what is all this talk about people hyping "our creation". heh. I guess I should contemplate the idea of a 33-year-old-woman and a 21-year-old guy hooking up without a condom and think to myself, "Wow! What a glorious day that was. That was the day that I was conceived! Nothing but true love that day!" Yeah. Suuuuuuuure.

If anything, I was the by-product of a two neurotic individuals who were drunk and forgot to put on a condom. I don't know about any of you, but I'd rather not hype up that up. 😉

I remember the day when I first saw my birth certificate (needed it for my passport because I was going to the Netherlands). I looked at the birth years of the parents and said out loud, "WTF? He was 21 and she was 33?!" lmao.

Anyways, back on topic, good luck to you op. You'll need it. Just don't step off some ledge. 🙂

This is the most bizarre rambling I've read on here in a while.

 

[bonsaipalmtree]

Hey OP. I'm Indian too and I feel your pain. My dad kind of shoved me into pre-med as well. I did so-so in college, definitely not great, and really had to fight my way into med school. I did two years of research after school and even took another year off to do whatever the hell I wanted, like traveling and triathlon-- and boy, did I catch hell for all of that.

My parents stopped paying for anything years ago, when they realized that I wasn't going to go to Harvard and cure cancer. As soon as I told them I might go to a DO school, they basically wrote me off, success-wise, as second-rate.

However, time went on.... and they accepted my situation. After months of beratement, tears, and the cold shoulder, our relationship evolved into what I feel is like a more "normal" parent-child relationship. They began respecting me as an individual, as a grown-up able to make her own choices. It was the best thing that ever happened to my relationship with my parents. After things simmered down, I had a chance to tell them more about the whole "non-traditional" route and about "DO vs MD" and all that. They even realized that their own freaking PCP is a DO.

Just do what you need to do. Your parents will come to see that you'll be fine. You might even be better off for it.

 

[RogueUnicorn]

And what is all this talk about people hyping "our creation". heh. I guess I should contemplate the idea of a 33-year-old-woman and a 21-year-old guy hooking up without a condom and think to myself, "Wow! What a glorious day that was. That was the day that I was conceived! Nothing but true love that day!" Yeah. Suuuuuuuure.

If anything, I was the by-product of a two neurotic individuals who were drunk and forgot to put on a condom. I don't know about any of you, but I'd rather not hype up that up. 😉

I remember the day when I first saw my birth certificate (needed it for my passport because I was going to the Netherlands). I looked at the birth years of the parents and said out loud, "WTF? He was 21 and she was 33?!" lmao.

Anyways, back on topic, good luck to you op. You'll need it. Just don't step off some ledge. 🙂

 

[476515678234896]

man up

 

[Brigade4Radiant]

You are one evil S.O.B. How could you do that to your mother? I understand that she might have annoyed you a little, but if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be alive right now. She wiped your ass when you were a defenseless little child, and she was generous enough to pay for your living costs for a good portion of your life.

You can disagree with your parents, but I don't see how disrespecting your parents to the extent that you described can be justifiable.

A parent MUST take care of their children or turn them over to the state. Once they are out of the womb you are supposed to take care of your kids.
People always trying to take credit for something they are supposed to do 🙄


Also the culture of over achievement explains why some groups are way over represented in fields like medicine. Parents force their kids into prestigious careers not for the kids benefit of making the kid happy but so that the parents will not feel like they raised a "failure"

 

[Drrrrrr. Celty]

I simply propose the ultimate question. What would it be like if Freud was Indian.

















Just blew your mind didn't I?

But seriously, this is really emotional abuse. Enmeshed family structures lead the offspring down the road of destruction and dysfunction.

 

[willen101383]

And what is all this talk about people hyping "our creation". heh. I guess I should contemplate the idea of a 33-year-old-woman and a 21-year-old guy hooking up without a condom and think to myself, "Wow! What a glorious day that was. That was the day that I was conceived! Nothing but true love that day!" Yeah. Suuuuuuuure.

If anything, I was the by-product of a two neurotic individuals who were drunk and forgot to put on a condom. I don't know about any of you, but I'd rather not hype up that up. 😉

I remember the day when I first saw my birth certificate (needed it for my passport because I was going to the Netherlands). I looked at the birth years of the parents and said out loud, "WTF? He was 21 and she was 33?!" lmao.

Anyways, back on topic, good luck to you op. You'll need it. Just don't step off some ledge. 🙂

hahaha...dude similar story with me. Ive known my whole life both my parents were 15 years old....last year I had a serious health situation happen and decided to dig deeper. I found out my dad was a football player on the HS football team and my mom was a cheerleader. YES.

 

[Lacheln]

To the OP: you need to respectfully draw a line and then stick to it. The only way to get the response you want is to change the rules of the game. And you know what? They might never give you the response you want - you have to be ready to accept that and move on. Watch the show "Intervention" and take notes.

You are one evil S.O.B. How could you do that to your mother? I understand that she might have annoyed you a little, but if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be alive right now. She wiped your ass when you were a defenseless little child, and she was generous enough to pay for your living costs for a good portion of your life.

You can disagree with your parents, but I don't see how disrespecting your parents to the extent that you described can be justifiable.

I think that all of us are are indebted to our parents for the role that they played in our creation. Other than cases of child [sexual] abuse, I don't see how it could be justified to mock your heartbroken mother. If ILikeDrugs' mother was as bad as she was described, she wouldn't have been crying when he left the house.

You clearly lead a very sheltered life. What exactly about "Peace out you abusive ****er" gives you the impression she "annoyed" him a little? I don't agree with ILikeDrugs' approach, but only because it sounds like he lowered himself toward her level in the process, and that's unnecessary. But he was pretty young, so kudos to him for having the cohones to stand up for himself at that age. You don't know that she wiped his ass, you don't know that she paid his living expenses, and even if she did pay, maybe the price of accepting that was too high for him to stomach.

You do not owe your parents ANYTHING for giving birth to you. You had no choice in that matter, and like any other relationship it's a two way street. They have to earn your respect as life progresses just as you have to earn theirs...and their responsibility goes beyond providing you with food and shelter (and many don't even manage that) to include emotional support and safety, neither of which the OP's parents are providing. I'm happy for you that your experiences haven't led you to understand that instinctively, must be nice and cushy. But just be aware that some parents haven't earned much more than a **** you.

 

[Perrotfish]

I think people on this thread tend to be too polarized. Either you don't owe your parents anything and should treat them like a Telemarketer calling during dinner or you're obligated to blindly follow their advice until at least their deaths and probably beyond.

I don't think you owe your parents anything for giving birth to you, but if they were good parents you certainly do owe them some measure of respect for the time and sacrifice they put into raising you, even if they were rude or pushy along the way. That respect, of course, shouldn't mean that you need to change your entire life or career to fit their whims, but it does mean making a good faith effort to listen to their opinions, to seriously consider taking their advice, and if you decide you can't do that to try to sell them on the plan you decide to follow. For the OP, before dealing with them I would recommend trying to figure out what, exactly, it is that you want to do and to be able to explain to them how you will be successful in that path. It will probably be easier to explain to them why you do want to do [whatever] than why you don't want to be a doctor.

 

[MaryLennox]

OP, since I started tutoring for the MCAT, I have seen people in all kinds of family situations. And I have met a few like you, although probably not as severe. I have to say that it's sad to me to see them because they just seem so tired, and it's clear to me that they aren't doing it for themselves. because they don't have their own personal motivation driving them, they have a harder time achieving their goals. my own parents didn't care what i did (in a good way) and its probably the best thing they could have done. every time things get rough, i am able to cope with it by telling myself that this is what i truly want and it's worth it. if i was in your situation, i don't know how i would cope with the stress.

im not sure what to tell you about your parents, except i agree with people who say that you need to start drawing the line somewhere. even though it will be extremely difficult. what i am more worried about is whether you should even be going into medicine at all- not WHEN you should do it, this year or next, etc. do YOU want to go to med school? its hard enough for the people who were dying to be there all along. if you don't even want to do it, it seems as though you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery. what they want is important to an extent, but it's your life. don't throw it away to please them.

 

[Seven of Nine]

OP, i think the important piece of advice to take away from this is that you can't expect to just cope any longer. you need to address this problem with your parents one way or another (talking with them/cutting off communication/go to therapy with them/finding relatable examples in the field that they can talk to/etc).

because when does their behavior end? with an acceptance? i doubt it. first its taking AP classes, taking the SAT/ACT, getting into a reputable college, getting the gpa, taking the MCAT, getting into medical school ... then it's going to be test scores, taking step 1, getting honors/letters in your rotations, taking step 2, getting into residency, etc etc.

you need to address this for your own sanity and happiness. good luck.

 

[da8s0859q]

because when does their behavior end? with an acceptance? i doubt it. first its taking AP classes, taking the SAT/ACT, getting into a reputable college, getting the gpa, taking the MCAT, getting into medical school ... then it's going to be test scores, taking step 1, getting honors/letters in your rotations, taking step 2, getting into residency, etc etc.

Good point. OP, I know everyone (including myself) is slinging third-party advice to you, but this is just something that's gotta stop one way or another -- and getting an acceptance letter wouldn't do it. Didn't finish in the top few percent of your class on an exam? Uh oh, bad. Don't wanna be a cardiothoracic surgeon? You're not a real doctor. Only scored a 240-something instead of a 260 on Step 1? You're a failure and will never amount to anything with your solidly above average (by about one standard deviation, might I add) Step score.

Gotta stop this **** before it continues to poison everything else you do.

 

[Scarletblack]

BE YOUR OWN MAN!!!!

I totally know where you are coming from. I was in a similar situation.

You have to realize that you are the one living your life and you should be the one controlling it. Just realize that you have only one life and you should spend it doing whatever you love to do no matter what the hell your parents say.

And if they get angry at you more for it, then so be it. You aren't the one at fault for their anger. THEY ARE.

 

[CoolWhipp]

.... And if they get angry at you more for it, then so be it. You aren't the one at fault for their anger. THEY ARE.

My exgirlfriend was a psychology major and she always brought up the most annoying argument when I told her that I was uncomfortable or angry about something. She always said "I don't have magical powers that can make you angry, you are doing that to yourself."

So frustrating.

 

[Drrrrrr. Celty]

My exgirlfriend was a psychology major and she always brought up the most annoying argument when I told her that I was uncomfortable or angry about something. She always said "I don't have magical powers that can make you angry, you are doing that to yourself."

So frustrating.

Anger is the result of frustration. Frustration over weakness in a situation ( perception). However by creating the said situation which causes the frustration. You are just as at fault.

 

[gujuDoc]

Hi,

I'm not to SDN here and while I wish I could ask something normal along the lines of whether or not I have the credentials to get into a certain medical school, I have to ask you all to bear with me as I present a personal problem that is preventing me from getting into medical school.

I am South Asian and I come from the ever-so-stereotypical South Asian family. My parents came to the USA, where I was born, and had the ever-so-stereotypical dream of me becoming a doctor (and this was before I was even born). Now, despite being ever-so-stereotypical South Asian parents, my parents have been unique in one way: They are more intense and controlling in making sure that they get their son to do what they want him to do. Allow me to elaborate:

Ever since I was a kid, my worth in my parents' eyes have been solely determined by what my grades were. If I got A's, my parents were happy and things would be normal. But if I got not-so-good grades, my parents would get extremely angry, they would berate me and then, they would not talk to me for weeks. Arguments even broke out into physical fights. This is how things have been in my home from the third grade all the way to the twelfth. It would not be uncommon for my parents to constantly compare me to other kids I grew up with in the South Asian community: "Oh, you are not like so-and-so's son or daughter who is going to Harvard at 15 and will be a doctor when he or she is 20, whereas you are a piece of ---- who will basically amount to nothing."

Then college started. They told me they would not pay for my education unless I became a pre-med major and although I had other interests, I figured that I liked to help people and provide medical care for the poor, so why not pursue medicine? But this road has been nothing but hell for me. They would not be pleased no matter how hard I tried to excel as a pre-med major. I did good in a few pre-med classes but not all of them; I got a few B's and C's. At home, the arguments and the physical fighting continued. Two years into college, I moved away from home but into the apartment that was overseen by a South Asian landlord who was a very close friend to my parents. To make matters as bad, the apartment was not too far away from where my parents lived. Between having the landlord live right next to the apartment building and her reporting back to my parents on everything I did, the stress continued. Plus, I lived with a bunch of filthy students, the place had filthy facilities and the area was very noisy. My parents would stop by every now and then to check up on me and to berate me for being a very bad son.

After graduating from college, I got a full-time job in medical research at a prestigious medical school and am now making good money. I even enrolled into a post-bac program to boost some of my pre-med credentials. With my new money, I decided to move into a nice apartment with my best friend. We did that about a week ago and I've been living there since. The apartment is nice and is in the downtown area of the city I live in. It's quiet, restful and peaceful. The sleep I've had in the past week has been the best sleep I've had in years...

...except that through the phone, my parents have increased their pressure on me. My mom has been calling me on my phone everyday, crying her eyes out and being so dramatic about me moving into a place of my own. She would still remind me of how bad of a son I am and how she and my father are going to die and leave me with a life full of regret. Her main issue is that I am not living with her and my father. I haven't told them where my apartment is but they still have this mental grip on me and my life. I am afraid that they are going to do something extremely drastic to try to get me to move back home. But if I do that, then I'll be back in an environment where I won't be able to focus on the exact thing they want me to do! Which is to become a doctor! So even the respite that I thought I would find by paying my own rent in a peaceful apartment is being threatened by my parents who are freaking out even more and more.

They are already upset that I didn't matriculate into a medical school by the time I finished my undergraduate career. They think I'm not as good as the other sons and daughters they see who went into six-year accelerated medical school programs and they're calling me up to three times each day to remind me of that. I'm trying to study for my classes and for the MCAT but I can't seem to shake them off.

I am 23 years old and I know for the lot of you, my issues sound crazy and stupid: "How could someone that old still be ruled by their parents?" But my parents are crazy. And I need advice on what to do. Am I really as bad as they say I am? Or are they just trying to manipulate me?

What should I do? I'm mentally and emotionally suffocated. Please give advice. Would be much appreciated...

Honestly you have to do as one poster suggested and yell at them back and fight for it. and as you can see I'm indian so I know where you are coming from because I've been there but I don't regret that I at least have fought tooth and nail to my parents to the point that they eventually back down. You have to learn to do that at some point. You are a guy too, which is different then me as an over protected girl. they need to give you breathing space and you need to make that clear and not take all their calls or get your own phone as well so they can't keep calling you.

 

[ohgodidonteven]

If my parents were trying to be dramatic and influence my behavior, I'd be pissed to no end. I hate people trying to use me.

 

[fakename]

OP, I don't know your parents so all I can do is share my experience growing up with Middle Eastern parents. I was never academically gifted and I know I disappointed my parents a lot. There was never any physical violence, but there were a lot of arguments, a lot of rebellion on my part, and some comparisons to other kids who were better at academics/life than I was.

In high school, I decided I wouldn't go to college. I knew that would never go over well with my parents, so I intentionally skipped out on the SAT. My parents being from a different country had no idea what the SAT was or that I would have to take it. When they found out I wouldn't get into any school without a score, they forced me to go to a community college and transfer later. They had their heart set on law school for me. When I told them I would major in journalism instead, they were angry. There was a lot of back and forth that frequently drove me to tears.

Long story short, I ended up excelling in my major and slowly, during my junior year, my parents accepted that I knew what I was doing with my life. I had no desire to go to law school and they understood that, though it took them time. When I graduated, they were my biggest cheerleaders.

in my personal opinion, the people that didn't have a similar situation growing up shouldn't really offer any input on the matter. Revilla's advice is the best solution that i've read so far since i pulled off a similar maneuver.

for a little bit of background info: im korean with a brother thats 5 years older than me that got in the high 1500s on his SATs, around the top of his class, and went to a top 10. my grandfather was a doctor, my dad is a doctor, and my brother is currently an M3.

on the other hand, im about average academically and had a very traditional mother that pushed me to be exactly like my brother. it eventually got to the point where i said f it and bombed my whole high school career (b/c/ds barely graduating highschool) devastating my parents, pretty much setting the bar so low that they would be happy if i just did what i wanted.

went to a cc and now going to be a jr at penn state-up getting ready to apply to med schools next summer, with parents who love me for who i am and pursuing a career i want to do not what my parents want (go figure, guess it runs in the family >.>)

tl;dr OP you played your hand wrong but you can still pull off having a healthy relationship with your parents, give them time and try to find a modern parent (friend of family?) that supports a child's independence ask them to talk to your parents eventually theyll accept it (dont expect it anytime soon considering your parents seem to be megaextreme) and like some other people said ffs man up already, you're 23 you can't pull the "my parents are too strict" card

ps.

If anything, I was the by-product of a two neurotic individuals who were drunk and forgot to put on a condom.

if it makes you feel better my brother was a mistake from my parents' honeymoon and i was an accident after my parents decided 2 was a good number to stop at.

 

[The Poet Sings]

i don't have any advice to offer since my culture isn't like this. i do have a question, though. for those with parents from cultures like the OPs, how do the kids still living in the old country do it? do they enjoy it or at least peacefully accept it and go along? i'm basically wondering if seeing how self-centered other cultures are (when exposed to them in america) makes people from family-centered cultures rebel, or if kids everywhere really just hate being told what to do by their parents. sorry to divert from your question, op! people can message me if they'd like, so as to keep giving you advice here instead 🙂

 

[Slowpoke]

1. write a letter addressing the amount of educational harassment you've had to endure over the course of your life.

2. Insist that they've raised a respectable individual with good morals and you will no longer stand to get prodded by their guilt stick.

3. Explain to them how you're changing your phone number for a finite amount of time, and would like them to take the opportunity to think about what is most important to them.

4. Live your life.

5. Call back in a few months. If your parents have "dis-owned you", you win. If your parents accept you, you win. If your dad commits seppuku, you lose. 66% win-rar.

 

[johncalvin]

i don't have any advice to offer since my culture isn't like this. i do have a question, though. for those with parents from cultures like the OPs, how do the kids still living in the old country do it? do they enjoy it or at least peacefully accept it and go along? i'm basically wondering if seeing how self-centered other cultures are (when exposed to them in america) makes people from family-centered cultures rebel, or if kids everywhere really just hate being told what to do by their parents. sorry to divert from your question, op! people can message me if they'd like, so as to keep giving you advice here instead 🙂

I'll take a stab at your question. Most "old countries" are rather homogeneous cultures where kids are not exposed to the individualism of the West. In some ways, ignorance is bliss.

Additionally, even cultures in the "old countries" have progressed since the parents emigrated out. However, they still try to hold onto the views their culture held at the time of emigration. Some of these so-called "old school" parents often suffer from culture shock when they return to their home countries years later.

^^ Btw, that was a complete generalization, but pretty accurate, I think, for a short internet post.

 

[ownage]

i don't have any advice to offer since my culture isn't like this. i do have a question, though. for those with parents from cultures like the OPs, how do the kids still living in the old country do it? do they enjoy it or at least peacefully accept it and go along? i'm basically wondering if seeing how self-centered other cultures are (when exposed to them in america) makes people from family-centered cultures rebel, or if kids everywhere really just hate being told what to do by their parents. sorry to divert from your question, op! people can message me if they'd like, so as to keep giving you advice here instead 🙂

You have to realize that your talking about two different culture. In India, there will always be pressure from the family on the student but it is considered normal. If u think finding job is hard, try finding one in India. With high competition, pressure from the parents may perhaps be necessary.

Also in Indian culture, kids are expected to stay with parents and most parents treat and raise their kids as if they are their future. When they do not see their kids succeed, parents may feel that it is they who have failed. From my experience, most Indian parents, including mine, love their child very much but may not express it. If the child deserts home, this might be interpreted psychologically as if their child has deserted them.

Problem occurs when child is raised in US where the culture is exactly opposite. They grow up learning different things which to someone in India or elsewhere might be unacceptable. Problems are going to be created.


To the OP:

you have to accept the fact that they are doing what they are told in India and you are doing what you are told in US. There is no right point of view. Understand the differences and realize you are south Asian. Don't compare your life to your buddy John over there.

And finally you need to somehow let your parents know that you are not old enough and they do not need to scorn you for anything or try to compare you to anyone.

 

[Pisiform]

IMO, talk to your elder Sister or Brother (hope they are not a*s*h*l*e*) and explain them the whole story and ask them to talk to your parents and try to explain them the stuff.

Otherwise, Just don't talk to your parents except at New Year or something. Say NO to social interaction. And when they get to you somehow (I am sure they will figure out soon where you are living) tell them you don't like them because they are : ------ (entire story) -----

Trust me, It works, I am from South-East Asian descent.

 

[Pisiform]

You have to realize that your talking about two different culture. In India, there will always be pressure from the family on the student but it is considered normal. If u think finding job is hard, try finding one in India. With high competition, pressure from the parents may perhaps be necessary.

Also in Indian culture, kids are expected to stay with parents and most parents treat and raise their kids as if they are their future. When they do not see their kids succeed, parents may feel that it is they who have failed. From my experience, most Indian parents, including mine, love their child very much but may not express it. If the child deserts home, this might be interpreted psychologically as if their child has deserted them.

Problem occurs when child is raised in US where the culture is exactly opposite. They grow up learning different things which to someone in India or elsewhere might be unacceptable. Problems are going to be created.

By the way I am born and raised here but I am just psychological like that lol.

To the OP:

I assure you that your parents love you very much. Do not cut connection or get a new phone line or ignore their calls. This will just cause more problems and pain. Buy your mom a gift or your dad a watch. Assure them in some way that you will be there to take care of them. Let them know that you moved out not because you wanted distance but you wanted to be independent and stand up on your own legs.

Also you have to accept the fact that they are doing what they are told in India and you are doing what you are told in US. There is no right point of view. Understand the differences and realize you are south Asian. Don't compare your life to your buddy John over there.

And finally you need to somehow let your parents know that you are not old enough and they do not need to scorn you for anything or try to compare you to anyone.

I don't think this will work. There is also so much Family Drama going on and by doing this OP will just bring emotional dead end.

 

[The Poet Sings]

^^ Btw, that was a complete generalization, but pretty accurate, I think, for a short internet post.

thanks for taking a stab at it. of course it'll be a generalization, just as how there is generalization that most/many/all people of X culture act Y way.

You have to realize that your talking about two different culture. In India, there will always be pressure from the family on the student but it is considered normal. If u think finding job is hard, try finding one in India. With high competition, pressure from the parents may perhaps be necessary.

well yes, of course i realized i'm asking about two different cultures... not sure what you meant by that. what i didn't realize was that over there there is more competition to find jobs, although maybe with the economy here the way it is now, getting a job here might be just as hard (or worse?). interestingly, my boyfriend is indian and i figured his family doesn't pressure him or his siblings because they've lived in other countries. but when i visited his family (in india), i didn't get the feeling that the kids were being pressured into doing things they didn't want. so when i hear stuff about "typical" indian people/culture and my mind drifts to them, the stereotypes/stories just seem so strange.
...there was joking, though, of when some were going to get married... but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day.

 

[ownage]

I don't think this will work. There is also so much Family Drama going on and by doing this OP will just bring emotional dead end.

Oh well tried. If that a bad idea then I would suggest to OP to think of some child in Africa who got no food or family. worked for me when I was a teenager.

 

[acha241]

Hi,

What should I do? I'm mentally and emotionally suffocated. Please give advice. Would be much appreciated...

I totally understand where you are coming from as I myself am going through a very similar ideal. However I am a south asian female so there is no way in hell my parents will allow me to move out "unless you get married first" they say. I've been told that if I do move out I will be called a "slut" and bring shame upon my family. They also constantly degrade me and compare me to other indian girls who are smart, successful, and have gotten x number of marriage proposals by the time they are my age.
Moreover they constantly are checking up on me and like to restrict me (school and home are my only two options and even then they complain).

So I really empatize with you and can only say just believe in yourself and think of your final goals. As I am in a similar situation, I'd also like to thank you for writing this thread. Good luck

 

[bravofleet4]

i really feel bad for students of Indian parents. They seem to have it the worst....🙁. I thought things were harsh sometimes b/w me and my parents, so I can't imagine living in that atmosphere. The ironic thing is that although my parents have high expectations they simultaneously don't expect me to succeed that much like on the MCAT (without Kaplan classes and etc).

 

[ItzYaYa]

OP, try your best to ignore them and focus on yourself. This type of parasitic relationship that you and your parents have is not only detrimental to your physical and mental well being, but also hinders your forward progress in life. I feel as if you crave the approval of your parents and you want them to concede that you are a successful young man and it doesn't matter whether you went to med school or not, at the end of the day, you're still their son. Sadly, it does not seem that way. Not everyone can be your friends OP, not even your parents. :\

 

[ItzYaYa]

i really feel bad for students of Indian parents. They seem to have it the worst....🙁. I thought things were harsh sometimes b/w me and my parents, so I can't imagine living in that atmosphere. The ironic thing is that although my parents have high expectations they simultaneously don't expect me to succeed that much like on the MCAT (without Kaplan classes and etc).

Good Lord, has everyone forgotten about those with parents from the Caribbean? Or is there some sort of passive neglect when it comes to us? I feel as if SDN harps on those of Asian/Indian descent. Where's the love? My dad threatened to remove me from school because I had a B+ in Gen. Chem...my mother refuses to pay for me at all. I'm being thrown out if I don't get 2 semesters of 4.0's and I'm taking core classes...

So they're not the only ones...

 

[CapnCrunch]

You have to realize that your talking about two different culture. In India, there will always be pressure from the family on the student but it is considered normal. If u think finding job is hard, try finding one in India. With high competition, pressure from the parents may perhaps be necessary.

Also in Indian culture, kids are expected to stay with parents and most parents treat and raise their kids as if they are their future. When they do not see their kids succeed, parents may feel that it is they who have failed. From my experience, most Indian parents, including mine, love their child very much but may not express it. If the child deserts home, this might be interpreted psychologically as if their child has deserted them.

Problem occurs when child is raised in US where the culture is exactly opposite. They grow up learning different things which to someone in India or elsewhere might be unacceptable. Problems are going to be created.

By the way I am born and raised here but I am just psychological like that lol.

To the OP:

I assure you that your parents love you very much. Do not cut connection or get a new phone line or ignore their calls. This will just cause more problems and pain. Buy your mom a gift or your dad a watch. Assure them in some way that you will be there to take care of them. Let them know that you moved out not because you wanted distance but you wanted to be independent and stand up on your own legs.

Also you have to accept the fact that they are doing what they are told in India and you are doing what you are told in US. There is no right point of view. Understand the differences and realize you are south Asian. Don't compare your life to your buddy John over there.

And finally you need to somehow let your parents know that you are not old enough and they do not need to scorn you for anything or try to compare you to anyone.

Minus the advice, I full well agree with this post.

It is amazingly difficult to be the product of a custom or tradition while living in another area with conflicting ideas. However, I believe the kids who must deal with the fusion of these two cultures have a much better understanding and respect for others and other cultures. The difficult part is what parts of culture should you continue with your kids...

 

[The Poet Sings]

Minus the advice, I full well agree with this post.

It is amazingly difficult to be the product of a custom or tradition while living in another area with conflicting ideas. However, I believe the kids who must deal with the fusion of these two cultures have a much better understanding and respect for others and other cultures. The difficult part is what parts of culture should you continue with your kids...

the ones that you like that you think will make you a good parent that your kids won't resent?

 

[IDoIt4Love]

Hi,

I'm not to SDN here and while I wish I could ask something normal along the lines of whether or not I have the credentials to get into a certain medical school, I have to ask you all to bear with me as I present a personal problem that is preventing me from getting into medical school.

I am South Asian and I come from the ever-so-stereotypical South Asian family. My parents came to the USA, where I was born, and had the ever-so-stereotypical dream of me becoming a doctor (and this was before I was even born). Now, despite being ever-so-stereotypical South Asian parents, my parents have been unique in one way: They are more intense and controlling in making sure that they get their son to do what they want him to do. Allow me to elaborate:

Ever since I was a kid, my worth in my parents' eyes have been solely determined by what my grades were. If I got A's, my parents were happy and things would be normal. But if I got not-so-good grades, my parents would get extremely angry, they would berate me and then, they would not talk to me for weeks. Arguments even broke out into physical fights. This is how things have been in my home from the third grade all the way to the twelfth. It would not be uncommon for my parents to constantly compare me to other kids I grew up with in the South Asian community: "Oh, you are not like so-and-so's son or daughter who is going to Harvard at 15 and will be a doctor when he or she is 20, whereas you are a piece of ---- who will basically amount to nothing."

Then college started. They told me they would not pay for my education unless I became a pre-med major and although I had other interests, I figured that I liked to help people and provide medical care for the poor, so why not pursue medicine? But this road has been nothing but hell for me. They would not be pleased no matter how hard I tried to excel as a pre-med major. I did good in a few pre-med classes but not all of them; I got a few B's and C's. At home, the arguments and the physical fighting continued. Two years into college, I moved away from home but into the apartment that was overseen by a South Asian landlord who was a very close friend to my parents. To make matters as bad, the apartment was not too far away from where my parents lived. Between having the landlord live right next to the apartment building and her reporting back to my parents on everything I did, the stress continued. Plus, I lived with a bunch of filthy students, the place had filthy facilities and the area was very noisy. My parents would stop by every now and then to check up on me and to berate me for being a very bad son.

After graduating from college, I got a full-time job in medical research at a prestigious medical school and am now making good money. I even enrolled into a post-bac program to boost some of my pre-med credentials. With my new money, I decided to move into a nice apartment with my best friend. We did that about a week ago and I've been living there since. The apartment is nice and is in the downtown area of the city I live in. It's quiet, restful and peaceful. The sleep I've had in the past week has been the best sleep I've had in years...

...except that through the phone, my parents have increased their pressure on me. My mom has been calling me on my phone everyday, crying her eyes out and being so dramatic about me moving into a place of my own. She would still remind me of how bad of a son I am and how she and my father are going to die and leave me with a life full of regret. Her main issue is that I am not living with her and my father. I haven't told them where my apartment is but they still have this mental grip on me and my life. I am afraid that they are going to do something extremely drastic to try to get me to move back home. But if I do that, then I'll be back in an environment where I won't be able to focus on the exact thing they want me to do! Which is to become a doctor! So even the respite that I thought I would find by paying my own rent in a peaceful apartment is being threatened by my parents who are freaking out even more and more.

They are already upset that I didn't matriculate into a medical school by the time I finished my undergraduate career. They think I'm not as good as the other sons and daughters they see who went into six-year accelerated medical school programs and they're calling me up to three times each day to remind me of that. I'm trying to study for my classes and for the MCAT but I can't seem to shake them off.

I am 23 years old and I know for the lot of you, my issues sound crazy and stupid: "How could someone that old still be ruled by their parents?" But my parents are crazy. And I need advice on what to do. Am I really as bad as they say I am? Or are they just trying to manipulate me?

What should I do? I'm mentally and emotionally suffocated. Please give advice. Would be much appreciated...

Growing up with south asian parents, I know that a lot of what you're saying is pretty common, but even so, it sounds like your parents are taking it a few steps further and really going overboard with the drama. Write your mom an e-mail saying that her calling is actually interfering with your ability to succeed and that her smothering you (in nicer words, of course) was doing the same thing, which is why you had to leave. When you needed SUPPORT, it sounds like all they did was put more pressure on you, and when you put enough pressure on someone or something, they break! Duh! I can't believe none of your aunts or uncles or even that landlady has given them that wake-up call, but alas. I agree with others saying that you are not obliged to answer her calls, especially if they're becoming a nuisance. Send her an e-mail/call when YOU have the time, and don't worry about these dramatic threats. They're adults; they may threaten to act like lunatics or children, but at the end of the day, hopefully they have better judgement than that.

 

[austinap]

You don't owe your parents **** just because they're your parents. I owe my parents, but it isn't because they took care of me as a kid. I owe them because they've been supportive of me, didn't pressure me, and have generally be awesome people. They didn't know what the f*ck they were doing when they first had me, but they actually tried and they actually cared. If my parents had been abusive to me (or my siblings), there's no way in hell I'd still be in contact with them. If they f*cked up the first ~18 years of your life, don't let them ruin the rest.

 

[YouNeverKnow22]

why are ppl still giving this troll advice, poster was one and done....geez

 

[Baron Samedi]

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

 

[Muffinpuff]

ok, here's the deal, what your parents have done is abuse you. but you're 23, you're old enough to man up. you can choose not to pick up that stupid phone, not to give them your new address, not to contact them until they matured themselves, if you can't do that, then dued...no wonder you're so easily manipulated!

 

[theVster]

Being Indian myself my only real response to the OP is that I'm sorry your parents don't seem to support you as much. I also have parents who nudged me towards medicine initially but I also ultimately WANTED to go into medicine--it was my own choice. However they've told me repeatedly that if I wanted to change my field it was perfectly okay with them, as I shouldn't do something I didn't love... it was never about money either as you can make money in a LOT of other fields, and much more easily. They also explained their reasoning to me that based on my personality I'd fit into medicine... so my main advice to you is to (1) TELL YOUR PARENTS WHERE YOU LIVE, so they don't feel complete heartbreak, and (2) just satisfy them with a call every so often telling them what you do. I call my parents once a day from school and just sort of update them on what's going on in my life and they're happy with that. And I don't know if you still really want to go into medicine but if you do, then just do the best you can and everything will work out fine. If you don't, then I'd have different advice for you.

That being said... unlike a lot of the Indian kids here replying I actually don't feel the need to rebel against my parents. I love Indian culture, I'm a pretty faithful practitioner of my religion, and I love the customs and whatnot that come along with being Indian. My parents let me explore this and exposed it to me when I was younger and I rebelled initially but came back to it on my own. That's what happens when you grow up around people not like you--you want to fit in with them instinctively and it's tough to reconcile your own culture with that.

So... while I think what has been done to the OP is rather nasty and pretty unfair, people need to knock off the judgmental bullS*&t that seems to be a staple of criticizing Indian culture. Not everyone thinks its oppressive. The attitudes of these parents aren't even really reflective of Indian culture as it exists back home--you think every parent there forces their kid to go into a specific profession of choice?? And the idea that kids are "expected" to live with their parents... this usually only applies to ONE child but what a joke, my dad and two of his brothers live here while one lives back in India, with whom my grandfather lives... and as I'm the oldest child I've basically agreed that my parents can live with me when I'm settled... all these generalizations are making me both laugh and making me disgusted at the same time. I don't claim to understand others' experiences but frankly it's annoying that so many blanket statements are being made about other cultures.

 

[SusGob711]

theVster--the OP is the one who repeatedly reiterated to everyone his 'ever-so-stereotypical' asian family. I think there have been a lot of assumptions about other people's experiences. If your parents were good to you and you feel endebted, wonderful. But not everyone has that experience and I think you shouldn't just assume people are ungrateful because they choose to move past the disrespect.

Oppression is a matter of perception and the OP admitted repeatedly to feeling this way. At the end of the day, culture is actually irrelavent to this discussion. There are parents like this in ALL cultures. But here's the kicker...YOU are in charge of your own life. The main reason the OP is so unhappy is because he has been trying repeatedly to reconcile his parent's wishes with his own. So stop passing judgments, assumming you know what people are going through.

OP, you'll have to decide what's more important to you. Pleasing your parents or pleasing yourself without them along for the ride. Good luck to you 🙂

 

[theVster]

theVster--the OP is the one who repeatedly reiterated to everyone his 'ever-so-stereotypical' asian family. I think there have been a lot of assumptions about other people's experiences. If your parents were good to you and you feel endebted, wonderful. But not everyone has that experience and I think you shouldn't just assume people are ungrateful because they choose to move past the disrespect.

Oppression is a matter of perception and the OP admitted repeatedly to feeling this way. At the end of the day, culture is actually irrelavent to this discussion. There are parents like this in ALL cultures. But here's the kicker...YOU are in charge of your own life. The main reason the OP is so unhappy is because he has been trying repeatedly to reconcile his parent's wishes with his own. So stop passing judgments, assumming you know what people are going through.

Mate, I wasn't targeting the OP there. I think the OP has gone through a hellish time with his unsupportive parents but now it's okay if he just throws a bone to his parents every so often... otherwise I agree with him. My response was more to the people who are all like "my parents are jerks for telling me what to do".

My point is that a lot of people see pressure and criticism as "disrespect". My view is that you should assume there is nothing you need to be respected for until you earn it--if your parents tell you that you need to get your grades up, listen why, and then explain to them the situation--but that's LOVE, not disrespect. I can't tell you how many f*&**ed up parents I've seen who don't even know where their children are, and the fact that they're even giving that much attention to their childrens' livelihoods is to me a sign of affection. I've also grown up watching broken families around me so my perception might be different but in any case I sympathize with the OP... I don't think it was right for his parents to do that to him... but I think the general idea that "oh yeah my [South Asian] parents were such jerks for trying to nudge me towards a profession" seems so trivial a thing to dislike them for when you see people whose parents are drug addicts and beat their children around.

Maybe I have a different cultural view on this... I genuinely believe my parents have gone through hardships to help me and provide for me so that I can help them out in the future... others may not... and that's okay. I just disagree with them.

 

[SusGob711]

theVster--I appreciate your POV and I think most kids could use parents who cared a little more. My parents sacrificed more than I'll ever know but they also know how hard I work and they respect the decisions I make. My mother told me more than once she thought I belonged in medical school but she respected my decision when I resisted the idea at first and majored in nursing. I don't owe my parents for the hard work I've put in but I do owe them for instilling that work ethic in me.

It's a parents job to instill skills that ensure good decision-making...it's NOT their job to actually make those decisions. I think the OP's case is extreme...I mean his mother is calling him sobbing as if he's ran off to join the circus. He has a degree, a good job, and his own place to live...why shouldn't his happiness be enough for them?

 

[Medwell]

I don't understand these kids. What happens if they say "no"?

 

[theVster]

theVster--I appreciate your POV and I think most kids could use parents who cared a little more. My parents sacrificed more than I'll ever know but they also know how hard I work and they respect the decisions I make. My mother told me more than once she thought I belonged in medical school but she respected my decision when I resisted the idea at first and majored in nursing. I don't owe my parents for the hard work I've put in but I do owe them for instilling that work ethic in me.

It's a parents job to instill skills that ensure good decision-making...it's NOT their job to actually make those decisions. I think the OP's case is extreme...I mean his mother is calling him sobbing as if he's ran off to join the circus. He has a degree, a good job, and his own place to live...why shouldn't his happiness be enough for them?

I do agree--which again his case is extreme, I just think there's been lots of generalizations of south asian culture being like this... which is ridiculous and very one-sided IMO, and I was responding to that. I think if your parents are able to respect your choice of career then they should be commended for that certainly.

 

[JustSomePreMed]

She more than "annoying". There was a lot more than you know, so don't act like you know everything. I'm not going to spill out everything on here. Frankly, it's none of your business or anyone else's.

And don't act like your experiences are anywhere near applicable to anyone else's situation.

 

[Cleavername]

lol, your " omglolzorzzz everyone is so ingrateful omgomg' " says it all.

Relax.

my response isn't an argument against u, i just wanna state my opinion. i get it, the idea of u being some what indebted to ur parents since they give u life. shouldn't parents also understand that by having a baby it doesn't mean it has to do what u want to do, thus then its a risk they will have to take? humans have free will, if a robot disobeys its program, its a failed robot, humans aren't programmed to do anything really since we have free will. i.e. choose not to eat or sleep, u might die, but thats still free will. to make and expect ur children pay for a debt that they aren't programmed to pay for is dumb.

on a side note, i am asian and i am so glad that they don't make me do this.

 

[Lokhtar]

I'm Indian and I see this in my extended family (though not my parents thank goodness).

In the end, it's your life. What they are doing is emotional abuse - but it's different in India - I know I was born there, and you get a whole different perspective if you did your schooling there as I did.

I know why they are doing what they are doing - but it's still wrong. Tell them you can have a great life doing what you love, and you're not Indian - you don't care how you look in the eyes of the south asian family down the street. Explain to them your career plans, why you want to, and that you'll be all right and happy with it.

Man up and tell them that if they want you to be in their life, they need to accept your decision as an adult. I will guarantee you that they will come around. Seriously. South Asian parents (in general) will understand if you say it like that.

I wish you the best of luck - I know from experience how hard this is. The family culture we have is quite different from others in this country, even if you were born here. And this will be very hard for you to do - they may not speak to you for a few weeks. But they'll come around.

 

[gujuDoc]

How would you know it's unjustifiable if you don't know the circumstances which may or may not justify that reaction?

Agreed with this post. I don't know if the person chemdude is berating is indian or asian or white or what.

But i talk to plenty enough of people whose parents are some of the most whacked out people you'll hear about when you hear their horror stories. its appalling some of the stuff I hear.

 

[CapnCrunch]

the ones that you like that you think will make you a good parent that your kids won't resent?

If only it were so easy... sigh.