Pre-Med Dealing With Extremely Manipulative and Controlling Parents

[perpetuelpremed]

Hi,

I'm not to SDN here and while I wish I could ask something normal along the lines of whether or not I have the credentials to get into a certain medical school, I have to ask you all to bear with me as I present a personal problem that is preventing me from getting into medical school.

I am South Asian and I come from the ever-so-stereotypical South Asian family. My parents came to the USA, where I was born, and had the ever-so-stereotypical dream of me becoming a doctor (and this was before I was even born). Now, despite being ever-so-stereotypical South Asian parents, my parents have been unique in one way: They are more intense and controlling in making sure that they get their son to do what they want him to do. Allow me to elaborate:

Ever since I was a kid, my worth in my parents' eyes have been solely determined by what my grades were. If I got A's, my parents were happy and things would be normal. But if I got not-so-good grades, my parents would get extremely angry, they would berate me and then, they would not talk to me for weeks. Arguments even broke out into physical fights. This is how things have been in my home from the third grade all the way to the twelfth. It would not be uncommon for my parents to constantly compare me to other kids I grew up with in the South Asian community: "Oh, you are not like so-and-so's son or daughter who is going to Harvard at 15 and will be a doctor when he or she is 20, whereas you are a piece of ---- who will basically amount to nothing."

Then college started. They told me they would not pay for my education unless I became a pre-med major and although I had other interests, I figured that I liked to help people and provide medical care for the poor, so why not pursue medicine? But this road has been nothing but hell for me. They would not be pleased no matter how hard I tried to excel as a pre-med major. I did good in a few pre-med classes but not all of them; I got a few B's and C's. At home, the arguments and the physical fighting continued. Two years into college, I moved away from home but into the apartment that was overseen by a South Asian landlord who was a very close friend to my parents. To make matters as bad, the apartment was not too far away from where my parents lived. Between having the landlord live right next to the apartment building and her reporting back to my parents on everything I did, the stress continued. Plus, I lived with a bunch of filthy students, the place had filthy facilities and the area was very noisy. My parents would stop by every now and then to check up on me and to berate me for being a very bad son.

After graduating from college, I got a full-time job in medical research at a prestigious medical school and am now making good money. I even enrolled into a post-bac program to boost some of my pre-med credentials. With my new money, I decided to move into a nice apartment with my best friend. We did that about a week ago and I've been living there since. The apartment is nice and is in the downtown area of the city I live in. It's quiet, restful and peaceful. The sleep I've had in the past week has been the best sleep I've had in years...

...except that through the phone, my parents have increased their pressure on me. My mom has been calling me on my phone everyday, crying her eyes out and being so dramatic about me moving into a place of my own. She would still remind me of how bad of a son I am and how she and my father are going to die and leave me with a life full of regret. Her main issue is that I am not living with her and my father. I haven't told them where my apartment is but they still have this mental grip on me and my life. I am afraid that they are going to do something extremely drastic to try to get me to move back home. But if I do that, then I'll be back in an environment where I won't be able to focus on the exact thing they want me to do! Which is to become a doctor! So even the respite that I thought I would find by paying my own rent in a peaceful apartment is being threatened by my parents who are freaking out even more and more.

They are already upset that I didn't matriculate into a medical school by the time I finished my undergraduate career. They think I'm not as good as the other sons and daughters they see who went into six-year accelerated medical school programs and they're calling me up to three times each day to remind me of that. I'm trying to study for my classes and for the MCAT but I can't seem to shake them off.

I am 23 years old and I know for the lot of you, my issues sound crazy and stupid: "How could someone that old still be ruled by their parents?" But my parents are crazy. And I need advice on what to do. Am I really as bad as they say I am? Or are they just trying to manipulate me?

What should I do? I'm mentally and emotionally suffocated. Please give advice. Would be much appreciated...

---

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[RogueUnicorn]

jesus dude, sack up and tell them to shove it.

 

[illegallysmooth]

Hi,

I'm not to SDN here and while I wish I could ask something normal along the lines of whether or not I have the credentials to get into a certain medical school, I have to ask you all to bear with me as I present a personal problem that is preventing me from getting into medical school.

I am South Asian and I come from the ever-so-stereotypical South Asian family. My parents came to the USA, where I was born, and had the ever-so-stereotypical dream of me becoming a doctor (and this was before I was even born). Now, despite being ever-so-stereotypical South Asian parents, my parents have been unique in one way: They are more intense and controlling in making sure that they get their son to do what they want him to do. Allow me to elaborate:

Ever since I was a kid, my worth in my parents' eyes have been solely determined by what my grades were. If I got A's, my parents were happy and things would be normal. But if I got not-so-good grades, my parents would get extremely angry, they would berate me and then, they would not talk to me for weeks. Arguments even broke out into physical fights. This is how things have been in my home from the third grade all the way to the twelfth. It would not be uncommon for my parents to constantly compare me to other kids I grew up with in the South Asian community: "Oh, you are not like so-and-so's son or daughter who is going to Harvard at 15 and will be a doctor when he or she is 20, whereas you are a piece of ---- who will basically amount to nothing."

Then college started. They told me they would not pay for my education unless I became a pre-med major and although I had other interests, I figured that I liked to help people and provide medical care for the poor, so why not pursue medicine? But this road has been nothing but hell for me. They would not be pleased no matter how hard I tried to excel as a pre-med major. I did good in a few pre-med classes but not all of them; I got a few B's and C's. At home, the arguments and the physical fighting continued. Two years into college, I moved away from home but into the apartment that was overseen by a South Asian landlord who was a very close friend to my parents. To make matters as bad, the apartment was not too far away from where my parents lived. Between having the landlord live right next to the apartment building and her reporting back to my parents on everything I did, the stress continued. Plus, I lived with a bunch of filthy students, the place had filthy facilities and the area was very noisy. My parents would stop by every now and then to check up on me and to berate me for being a very bad son.

After graduating from college, I got a full-time job in medical research at a prestigious medical school and am now making good money. I even enrolled into a post-bac program to boost some of my pre-med credentials. With my new money, I decided to move into a nice apartment with my best friend. We did that about a week ago and I've been living there since. The apartment is nice and is in the downtown area of the city I live in. It's quiet, restful and peaceful. The sleep I've had in the past week has been the best sleep I've had in years...

...except that through the phone, my parents have increased their pressure on me. My mom has been calling me on my phone everyday, crying her eyes out and being so dramatic about me moving into a place of my own. She would still remind me of how bad of a son I am and how she and my father are going to die and leave me with a life full of regret. Her main issue is that I am not living with her and my father. I haven't told them where my apartment is but they still have this mental grip on me and my life. I am afraid that they are going to do something extremely drastic to try to get me to move back home. But if I do that, then I'll be back in an environment where I won't be able to focus on the exact thing they want me to do! Which is to become a doctor! So even the respite that I thought I would find by paying my own rent in a peaceful apartment is being threatened by my parents who are freaking out even more and more.

They are already upset that I didn't matriculate into a medical school by the time I finished my undergraduate career. They think I'm not as good as the other sons and daughters they see who went into six-year accelerated medical school programs and they're calling me up to three times each day to remind me of that. I'm trying to study for my classes and for the MCAT but I can't seem to shake them off.

I am 23 years old and I know for the lot of you, my issues sound crazy and stupid: "How could someone that old still be ruled by their parents?" But my parents are crazy. And I need advice on what to do. Am I really as bad as they say I am? Or are they just trying to manipulate me?

What should I do? I'm mentally and emotionally suffocated. Please give advice. Would be much appreciated...

You're 23. You don't HAVE to talk to them and you don't HAVE to let them talk to you that way. You're an adult, stand up for yourself. Seriously, stop talking to them unless they can speak to you like an adult, with some measure of respect.

At this point in your life, you teach people how to treat you.

 

[Holy Frans]

She calls daily crying? No one should have to be put through that. Your going to have to face your fears and just have a civil conversation and let her know that shes impeding on your personal space and making life difficult. It sounds like you have some deep underlying issues and i hope you the best. Just remember to not be so crazy with your children and save them from the emotional baggage that you will probably develop.

 

[da8s0859q]

You're 23. You don't HAVE to talk to them and you don't HAVE to let them talk to you that way. You're an adult, stand up for yourself. Seriously, stop talking to them unless they can speak to you like an adult, with some measure of respect.

At this point in your life, you teach people how to treat you.

She calls daily crying? No one should have to be put through that. Your going to have to face your fears and just have a civil conversation and let her know that shes impeding on your personal space and making life difficult.

There you go. Gotta draw a line, OP. There are two sides to every story, but if what you're telling us is close to the truth, then your parents are bat**** insane, and you need to start putting some distance between you and them.

 

[lorenzomicron]

this situation is really complicated. on one hand, your parents are treating you horrible. but on the other hand, you might actually subconsciously believe some things they are saying.

you need to just not communicate with them for a while. no communication at all. just stop abruptly. then take that time to deal with ur own issues of insecurity and self-esteem, because you'll need that kind of personal confidence to face them eventually. good luck man.

 

[JFK90787]

OP I'm sure despite everything you love your parents, but I don't think it's possible for them to reciprocate. They are treating you like ****, you need to draw the line.

 

[drak]

Sorry to hear about your story buddy. Why not make a copy of the post and give it to your parents and then tell them it's their fault that you're not in med school yet? Instead of just dealing with the pressure from school, they doubled the size with their tantrums and you are developing depression. Instead of becoming a doctor, you are becoming a patient. Work with what you have and don't compare yourself with others. Your parents need to leave you alone or else school (medical, residency) will torture you even more.

 

[WholeLottaGame7]

I am 23 years old and I know for the lot of you, my issues sound crazy and stupid: "How could someone that old still be ruled by their parents?" But my parents are crazy. And I need advice on what to do. Am I really as bad as they say I am? Or are they just trying to manipulate me?

What should I do? I'm mentally and emotionally suffocated. Please give advice. Would be much appreciated...

Dude, you are like thousands of other pre-med students out there; trying to get into med school, dealing with nagging parents, taking some time to work. Your problems might be more intense than some others, but it happens.

The trick is to try to remove the emotional component of your response and analyze the situation for what it is.

You: You have a job. You did pretty well in school. You have a goal and are actively working to pursue said goal. You are ahead of the majority of 23 year olds in this country.

Your parents: They love you and want what's best for you, and they will push you to succeed, but they're bad at it. Most parents are. They're also scared that you might not succeed, and what that might say about themselves as parents.

Sit down and explain all this to your parents in a rational manner. Explain where you're at and what your plan is going forward. Explain that your path is not unusual, and that they need to trust you. Lay some ground rules for communication (a couple phone calls a week, you only call them, whatever) and stick to them. Explain the consequences of breaking these ground rules.

Also, don't get sucked in by emotional plays (mom crying, dad getting angry, etc). It's a go-to in the parent playbook for manipulation. Whatever irrational emotions they are feeling is their concern, not yours.

It's one of the hardest parts of growing up, in my opinion. You have to respect what your parents have done for you to get where you are, and allow them access to your life, but YOU have to be the one that controls that access now as an adult.

Best of luck.

 

[marble30]

Such is the life of an asian pre-med....

But I agree with the other posters. You got to draw a line eventually so it might as well be sooner rather than later.

 

[wanderer]

No amount of talking will convince them to back off. I'm sorry but your only option is to ignore them. Not necessarily completely, but you definitely want to minimize your interaction with them if you want to maintain your sanity.

By the way, do you happen to be the youngest in your family?

 

[youngxgold]

I'd consider talking to a counselor from your school/work place. The ones at mine are really helpful to talk to and it sounds like you need to unload a little bit. Most people especially guys look badly on seeking counseling, but it doesn't mean your crazy.

Extra guidance can sometimes be really helpful esp in a situation like yours

 

[ThaliaNox]

Honestly, it sounds like you don't even want to go into medicine. Don't let your parents dictate your career path. Do what you want to do. It sounds like you are self-sufficient now, and don't depend on your parents for support. I'd suggest telling them that you will no longer be discussing your career choices with them, and that you will cease contact until they cease discussing it. You might have to refuse to talk to them for six months.

I'm not asian, but I did have parents who really didn't approve of what I did with my life. They thought I should become a nurse and make decent money right away instead of going into tons of debt for med school. They're also not happy I'm living seven hours away. It took threatening to cut ties before they stopped needling me. Things are better now.

 

[ILikeDrugs]

Here's some advise: develop a spine and become a man. I'm not being condescending either. Your self-esteem is shot to shet. You need to stop caring about what they think. Life can go on without "obeying" your parents.

By the time I was 13-14, I remember telling my biological controlling/manipulative mother that I thought she was a bitc4 and that she needed to go f4ck herself, without any sort of restraint or inner inhibition. It didn't matter because I knew that when I turned 18 I was going to move out and never see her again. It was probably also because I really did not want to know her anymore. She cried like a little b1tch when I moved out but that didn't stop me from laughing in her face, telling her off, and saying "Peace out you abusive f4cker" as I threw the house keys at her face.

Perhaps the reason why they still control you is because you know that if you do what you really want to do, your mom and dad will stop communicating with you? Are you afraid of not knowing your parents anymore?

As you can probably tell, I wasn't afraid of the idea of not knowing my nuclear family anymore. Life has been great ever since. 😀

 

[echolalia16]

Tell them you're going to be a musician, and not the symphony orchestra type. Study different types of garage bands and guitars and lecture your parents on how living from gig to gig is the only real way to live. Talk about how revolutionary Nirvana and Radiohead are, and how preppy sell-out bands like Green Day are ruining "the industry". Be sure to mention that labels suck. Ask them for their opinions on your rock ballad demos (but make sure not to use more than 3 power chords in it, and stick to basic theory). After about a year of this (this kind of issues take time), your parents will be forced to lower their standards and that will leave you with plenty of opportunity to pursue what you want to do, when you finally break the news to them that the band just isn't working out. They'll be ecstatic that their sorry excuse of a son is actually "doing something with his life".

 

[Chemdude]

Here's some advise: develop a spine and become a man. I'm not being condescending either. Your self-esteem is shot to shet. You need to stop caring about what they think. Life can go on without "obeying" your parents.

By the time I was 13-14, I remember telling my biological controlling/manipulative mother that I thought she was a bitc4 and that she needed to go f4ck herself, without any sort of restraint or inner inhibition. It didn't matter because I knew that when I turned 18 I was going to move out and never see her again. It was probably also because I really did not want to know her anymore. She cried like a little b1tch when I moved out but that didn't stop me from laughing in her face, telling her off, and saying "Peace out you abusive f4cker" as I threw the house keys at her face.

Perhaps the reason why they still control you is because you know that if you do what you really want to do, your mom and dad will stop communicating with you? Are you afraid of not knowing your parents anymore?

As you can probably tell, I wasn't afraid of the idea of not knowing my nuclear family anymore. Life has been great ever since. 😀

You are one evil S.O.B. How could you do that to your mother? I understand that she might have annoyed you a little, but if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be alive right now. She wiped your ass when you were a defenseless little child, and she was generous enough to pay for your living costs for a good portion of your life.

You can disagree with your parents, but I don't see how disrespecting your parents to the extent that you described can be justifiable.

 

[ILikeDrugs]

You are one evil S.O.B. How could you do that to your mother? I understand that she might have annoyed you a little, but if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be alive right now. She wiped your ass when you were a defenseless little child, and she was generous enough to pay for your living costs for a good portion of your life.

You can disagree with your parents, but I don't see how disrespecting your parents to the extent that you described can be justifiable.

She more than "annoying". There was a lot more than you know, so don't act like you know everything. I'm not going to spill out everything on here. Frankly, it's none of your business or anyone else's.

 

[Danae00]

I know your situation seems impossibly complicated but it really isn't. The solution is easy. It's just incredibly difficult to make the decision to go through with it.

You need to cut off communication with your parents for a while. You need to take control of your own life and there is no way you can do that with your parents manipulating you like this. So that means you have to cut them out of your life, at least temporarily.

You said they don't know where you live? Good. Now change your phone number and email address. Write them a letter and let them know why you are doing this, that you need some time, that you love them, and you will contact them at some point in the future when you are ready.

Now get yourself some counselling / therapy. You need to be able to talk things out with someone who will help you determine what it is you want in life and what it is your parents want. It's amazing how the people close to us can literally get into our heads and make their viewpoints seem like our own. For instance, do you actually want to be a doctor? The answer may seem obvious at first but you may be surprised once you do some digging.

When you get a stronger grasp on your own identity (this may be months down the road or even years) you can then try to bring your parents back into your life in small doses. But under your own terms. Again, a counselor can be invaluable here to set up family meetings and to keep the conversation from being derailed into a massive guilt trip.

This will be hard. And despite how frustrating it is to have parents try to dictate our lives, you may find that it is much scarier being on our own and having to make every decision by yourself. After this point on if you screw up you can only blame yourself. But hey, for good or bad that's part of being an adult.

Good luck!

 

[Chemdude]

She more than "annoying". There was a lot more than you know, so don't act like you know everything. I'm not going to spill out everything on here. Frankly, it's none of your business or anyone else's.

Point taken. But I still think that your reaction was unjustifiable.

 

[illegallysmooth]

Point taken. But I still think that your reaction was unjustifiable.

How would you know it's unjustifiable if you don't know the circumstances which may or may not justify that reaction?

 

[GoodmanBrown]

I highly recommend you speak with someone. It's not a lifelong commitment to therapy, but someone can probably help a lot in 3-5 sessions, just helping you sort out your feelings and helping you develop a response plan for your parents. It will worth the cost, and if you speak to a social worker, the cost is less than you think. Probably $100 or less per session. Please think about it. They can help you better than anyone here can.

If you don't do that, please follow some of the other posters' advice. Limit contact with your parents until they can have adult conversations with you. Make it a pre-requisite for any phone conversation. Since you're independent and do not have to rely on them for financial means, you can impose constraints on your time. Do not let them know where you live and, please, do not move back in with them. As someone above said, you must dictate the terms of your relationship.

Please see a professional though. They can listen and give really constructive feedback on how to change your relationship with your parents.

 

[Danae00]

You are one evil S.O.B. How could you do that to your mother? I understand that she might have annoyed you a little, but if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be alive right now. She wiped your ass when you were a defenseless little child, and she was generous enough to pay for your living costs for a good portion of your life.

You can disagree with your parents, but I don't see how disrespecting your parents to the extent that you described can be justifiable.

Sorry, I can't agree with this. While I have no idea what ILikeDrugs family life was like, the idea that anyone who is "generous enough to pay for your livings costs" gets the right to be manipulative and controlling is crap. In fact, that type of reasoning often used by abusive spouses to keep their victims in line.

 

[Iso4ane]

Here's some advise: develop a spine and become a man. I'm not being condescending either. Your self-esteem is shot to shet. You need to stop caring about what they think. Life can go on without "obeying" your parents.

By the time I was 13-14, I remember telling my biological controlling/manipulative mother that I thought she was a bitc4 and that she needed to go f4ck herself, without any sort of restraint or inner inhibition. It didn't matter because I knew that when I turned 18 I was going to move out and never see her again. It was probably also because I really did not want to know her anymore. She cried like a little b1tch when I moved out but that didn't stop me from laughing in her face, telling her off, and saying "Peace out you abusive f4cker" as I threw the house keys at her face.

Perhaps the reason why they still control you is because you know that if you do what you really want to do, your mom and dad will stop communicating with you? Are you afraid of not knowing your parents anymore?

As you can probably tell, I wasn't afraid of the idea of not knowing my nuclear family anymore. Life has been great ever since. 😀

Coming from an Asian I can tell you, if I tried that my parents, they would have probably killed me, start over by having a new child and when the child is old enough, tell the kid what happened to me.

 

[deleted307836]

You are one evil S.O.B. How could you do that to your mother? I understand that she might have annoyed you a little, but if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be alive right now. She wiped your ass when you were a defenseless little child, and she was generous enough to pay for your living costs for a good portion of your life.

You can disagree with your parents, but I don't see how disrespecting your parents to the extent that you described can be justifiable.

That's one of the stupidest arguments I've witnessed someone trying to make in a while.

 

[YouNeverKnow22]

troll

 

[Chemdude]

How would you know it's unjustifiable if you don't know the circumstances which may or may not justify that reaction?

I think that all of us are are indebted to our parents for the role that they played in our creation. Other than cases of child [sexual] abuse, I don't see how it could be justified to mock your heartbroken mother. If ILikeDrugs' mother was as bad as she was described, she wouldn't have been crying when he left the house.

 

[Chemdude]

That's one of the stupidest arguments I've witnessed someone trying to make in a while.

Care to explain why?

 

[deleted307836]

I think that all of us are are indebted to our parents for the role that they played in our creation. Other than cases of child [sexual] abuse, I don't see how it could be justified to mock your heartbroken mother. If ILikeDrugs' mother was as bad as she was described, she wouldn't have been crying when he left the house.

😕😕

Crying can be many things. Oftentimes, it can be used as a tool in an attempt to inflict guilt. If you're a rational person and you recognize a parent as a destructive force in your life, then you owe them nothing.

 

[s1lver]

jesus dude, sack up and tell them to shove it.

If he's Asian (didn't read anything because it's too long), he would get disowned.

Asian culture's tricky and so the American way of dealing with these things is not practical. 🙁

 

[RickyJamesMD]

A lot of people here don't love their parents.

 

[deleted307836]

Care to explain why?

Well, take the OPs post for example (even if it's not real). Look at the kind of people his parents have been to him -- why should he have to put up with it? He doesn't. Actually, he'd probably be a better person for not having to. There's no artificial obligatory tie between parents and children; if it's not a mutually beneficial relationship, there should be no need to prolong it.

 

[illegallysmooth]

I think that all of us are are indebted to our parents for the role that they played in our creation.

Go work at a city pediatrics clinic and tell me how indebted those children are to their idiot parents who hump like rabbits and barely manage to keep their kids alive with the help of CPS. Should they put up with years of mental and physical abuse because their parents didn't feel like buying a condom?

 

[deleted307836]

Go work at a city pediatrics clinic and tell me how indebted those children are to their idiot parents who hump like rabbits and barely manage to keep their kids alive with the help of CPS. Should they put up with years of mental and physical abuse because their parents didn't feel like buying a condom?

👍 exactly.

 

[WholeLottaGame7]

😕😕

Crying can be many things. Oftentimes, it can be used as a tool in an attempt to inflict guilt. If you're a rational person and you recognize a parent as a destructive force in your life, then you owe them nothing.

You may not owe them anything, but there are perhaps more mature ways of dealing with bad parenting than verbal/emotional degradation and physicality. I think moving away/severing all contact would be preferable. Of course, if you come from that system, that may be the only thing you know. There has to be a break in the cycle somewhere.

 

[RogueUnicorn]

If he's Asian (didn't read anything because it's too long), he would get disowned.

Asian culture's tricky and so the American way of dealing with these things is not practical. 🙁

i'm asian-ish and that's exactly what i would do in the situation. get disowned? omg nooooooo! seriously, it would be an upgrade for the OP, who's clearly mindfcked by his crazy parents. he's on his own supporting himself. he's an adult.


for those of you with the "you owe your parents for blah blah" i say hogwash. your parents chose to bring you into the world, not the other way around. i plan to support my parents in every way i can as soon as i'm able or as soon as the need arises, but that's because i love them, not because i owe them anything.

 

[RickyJamesMD]

i'm asian-ish and that's exactly what i would do in the situation. get disowned? omg nooooooo! seriously, it would be an upgrade for the OP, who's clearly mindfcked by his crazy parents. he's on his own supporting himself. he's an adult.


for those of you with the "you owe your parents for blah blah" i say hogwash. your parents chose to bring you into the world, not the other way around. i plan to support my parents in every way i can as soon as i'm able or as soon as the need arises, but that's because i love them, not because i owe them anything.

You owe them 100% of your genes. Be grateful.

"Your parents chsoe to birng you into the world" -- you said it yourself, they brought you into this world, and they raised you. You owe them everything.


Then again, I can sympathize with the OP. Being asian and having parents like that is a very very tough situation. Nonetheless, the most rational thing to do, is to grow a backbone. Do what is right; which is in my opinion: Get a job, be self-sufficient. And pursue medicine when it's right. Just do something to get respect from your parents.

 

[RogueUnicorn]

You owe them 100% of your genes. Be grateful.

"Your parents chsoe to birng you into the world" -- you said it yourself, they brought you into this world, and they raised you. You owe them everything.

being grateful and being indebted are different things.

did you miss the "choose" part? none of us asked to be brought here. it was by our parents' choice. thus, a child is the parent's responsibility. i pay my credit card bills on time as is my responsibility, i don't expect american express to send me a card saying they owe me one.

 

[shepardsun]

Go work at a city pediatrics clinic and tell me how indebted those children are to their idiot parents who hump like rabbits and barely manage to keep their kids alive with the help of CPS. Should they put up with years of mental and physical abuse because their parents didn't feel like buying a condom?

 

[da8s0859q]

If he's Asian (didn't read anything because it's too long), he would get disowned.

Asian culture's tricky and so the American way of dealing with these things is not practical. 🙁

Yeah, so I've been told by Asian friends, but even then... disowned by who/what, exactly?

A lot of people here don't love their parents.

I think what you were looking for is "a lot of people love their parents but are not willing to have their entire lives dictated, or else, by insanely overbearing parents."

 

[RickyJamesMD]

being grateful and being indebted are different things.

did you miss the "choose" part? none of us asked to be brought here. it was by our parents' choice. thus, a child is the parent's responsibility. i pay my credit card bills on time as is my responsibility, i don't expect american express to send me a card saying they owe me one.

You make very little sense to me right now. Even through the wire, I get a feeling that you have an annoyingly large sense of entitlement. You're here because of your parents. It's as simple as that. Stop trying so hard to reword this fact.

Then again, who am I to say these things to you? I'm blessed to see the value in family, and how much I love AND owe my family. You must've grown up differently than I.

And no, I'm not a 'lil bitch to my parents either.

 

[RickyJamesMD]

Yeah, so I've been told by Asian friends, but even then... disowned by who/what, exactly?



I think what you were looking for is "a lot of people love their parents but are not willing to have their entire lives dictated, or else, by insanely overbearing parents."

Well, I don't completely agree with you there. If one loves their parents, they wouldn't be saying some of the stuff that I'm reading here in this thread. The whole "you don't owe them anything" is bull****.

I'm Asian, and I know what overbearing parents are like. Did I rebel to get my independence? Yes. But nonetheless, I do not talk to them the way some people here are advocating.

The way I see it, if your parents limit your freedom, you need to do two things, 1: State your case. 2: Be independent.

If you fail to do either, then, well, you shut the hell up.

 

[RogueUnicorn]

You make very little sense to me right now. Even through the wire, I get a feeling that you have an annoyingly large sense of entitlement. You're here because of your parents. It's as simple as that. Stop trying so hard to reword this fact.

Then again, who am I to say these things to you? I'm blessed to see the value in family, and how much I love AND owe my family. You must've grown up differently than I.

And no, I'm not a 'lil bitch to my parents either.

that's really a function of your own obstinate worldview. even through the wire i'm getting a feeling that you have an annoyingly overbearing guilt complex

 

[RogueUnicorn]

Well, I don't completely agree with you there. If one loves their parents, they wouldn't be saying some of the stuff that I'm reading here in this thread. The whole "you don't owe them anything" is bull****.

I'm Asian, and I know what overbearing parents are like. Did I rebel to get my independence? Yes. But nonetheless, I do not talk to them the way some people here are advocating.

The way I see it, if your parents limit your freedom, you need to do two things, 1: State your case. 2: Be independent.

If you fail to do either, then, well, you shut the hell up.

son did you miss the whole post where the OP is independent? i guess you did. enough with your 'omglolzorzzz everyone is so ingrateful omgomg' hysteria. thanks.

 

[RickyJamesMD]

son did you miss the whole post where the OP is independent? i guess you did. enough with your 'omglolzorzzz everyone is so ingrateful omgomg' hysteria. thanks.

lol, your " omglolzorzzz everyone is so ingrateful omgomg' " says it all.

Relax.

 

[Chemdude]

Different cultures have different views on parent-child relationships. Of course, all cultures value the parent-child relationship, but some cultures emphasize the importance of children being subservient to their parents. I find that this is usually the case for most Oriental cultures. Conversely, Western cultures seem to prize the independence of the child.

It is futile for us to argue over which form of the parent-child relationship is the most proper. All of us have predetermined opinions that have been influenced by our respective cultures. Thus, I think it's best if we agree on respecting our parents and not argue over the specifics of the parent-child relationship.

 

[CoolWhipp]

I think you have to know what you want here. Tell them about your goals and what you want to do. Maybe keep them updated once or twice a month. But, a little space may do you some real emotional justice. I'm willing to bet a number of people on these forums have dramatically improved relations with their parents once they stopped seeing them so much (eg. moving out/dorms).

I understand that you feel the "pressure," but that is only because you love them and you care about how they feel about you. But, read your post again. You sound like you have done well for yourself. Do you not agree? How do you feel about yourself? Are you proud of who you are? No one can take your accomplishments away from you. You can really only compare yourself to yourself to know when you are successful.

The way I think about my life is like a game of basketball. You win some you lose some. You can play a damn good game and lose. Would you then feel sad that you lost? I don't, because the "winning and losing" is superficial and arbitrary to how well YOU, personally, played the game. Are you following me? You can be a winner regardless of the cards you are dealt. You make yourself a winner, no one can give it to you. If someone has to tell you that you are winner for you to feel like a winner, then something is wrong.

 

[Revilla]

OP, I don't know your parents so all I can do is share my experience growing up with Middle Eastern parents. I was never academically gifted and I know I disappointed my parents a lot. There was never any physical violence, but there were a lot of arguments, a lot of rebellion on my part, and some comparisons to other kids who were better at academics/life than I was.

In high school, I decided I wouldn't go to college. I knew that would never go over well with my parents, so I intentionally skipped out on the SAT. My parents being from a different country had no idea what the SAT was or that I would have to take it. When they found out I wouldn't get into any school without a score, they forced me to go to a community college and transfer later. They had their heart set on law school for me. When I told them I would major in journalism instead, they were angry. There was a lot of back and forth that frequently drove me to tears.

Long story short, I ended up excelling in my major and slowly, during my junior year, my parents accepted that I knew what I was doing with my life. I had no desire to go to law school and they understood that, though it took them time. When I graduated, they were my biggest cheerleaders.

I worked professionally in journalism for a while and when I wanted to return to school to pursue medicine, they were extremely supportive of that too, offering to pay my post-bacc tuition and let me live at home rent-free if I wanted. If I decided to quit med school now and go back to journalism, they'd be just as supportive, I'm sure of it. That's the kind of relationship we have now.

My point is, yes, it's difficult and I think that people from outside the culture don't understand why you can't just cut them off. What you need to do is continue to live on your own and reason with them (in phone calls) and accept that it's going to be ugly for a while. Hopefully, when they see that you're old enough to run your own life reasonably well, they'll come around and offer their support instead of their criticism and that will be the beginning of a new kind of relationship between you and them.

Good luck! I really hope your parents turn out to be as supportive as mine.

 

[CapnCrunch]

You're going to have to face either two options:

1) Simply cut off ties, take out loans, get a job, etc... and essentially become independent. Pursue what you want to pursue.

2) Continue on through the drudgery and hope to get an acceptance. I'm sure they'll be much more appeased once you enter medical school.


I'm going to assume that "South-Asian" = Indian. Do you know what kids from India have to put up with? I'm not talking about the ones that live on the streets or go hungry or are part of ring of child prostitution, etc... I'm talking about the ones that have a food, a home, and a family. Every year, the law enforcement attempts to blockade any area (bridges, certain buildings) where students might try to commit suicide. Why? The kids from the 10th and 12th standard (grade) have to take their subject tests to enter a certain field (medicine, law, engineering, etc...). If they don't get sufficient scores, they do not get in (besides the ones that are able to pay bribes or favors or schools). Simple as that. There is no fluff, such as: extra curricular activities, leadership roles, volunteering, etc... It's just that test. I'm speaking a little more on the extreme, but essentially, anyone who knows the system should agree. The kids who commit suicide have not done well enough and cannot deal with what their parents will think of them. This is reality. Not everything is so happy go lucky. And I'm sorry... We all simply have to learn how to cope and move on.

Being "South-Asian", I can totally see where you're coming from. But in the end, it's another obstacle... I've always had a rebellious attitude towards my parents and our customs and traditions, but I was fortunate enough to have more understanding parents. I've put up with their nonsense and they've done likewise with me. No one is perfect and some people simply have a better situation than others. It is a fact of life.

 

[ILikeDrugs]

I think that all of us are are indebted to our parents for the role that they played in our creation. Other than cases of child [sexual] abuse, I don't see how it could be justified to mock your heartbroken mother. If ILikeDrugs' mother was as bad as she was described, she wouldn't have been crying when he left the house.

Why do you put abuse in brackets? Is that the only type of abuse that you deem unacceptable? Emotional abuse by a parent/spouse is ok? Neglecting a child while the parents spend away their money is ok? Non-sexual physical abuse (domestic battery) is ok?

 

[ILikeDrugs]

And what is all this talk about people hyping "our creation". heh. I guess I should contemplate the idea of a 33-year-old-woman and a 21-year-old guy hooking up without a condom and think to myself, "Wow! What a glorious day that was. That was the day that I was conceived! Nothing but true love that day!" Yeah. Suuuuuuuure.

If anything, I was the by-product of a two neurotic individuals who were drunk and forgot to put on a condom. I don't know about any of you, but I'd rather not hype up that up. 😉

I remember the day when I first saw my birth certificate (needed it for my passport because I was going to the Netherlands). I looked at the birth years of the parents and said out loud, "WTF? He was 21 and she was 33?!" lmao.

Anyways, back on topic, good luck to you op. You'll need it. Just don't step off some ledge. 🙂