Problems in my future???

[Berrini]

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After being accepted to med school for the class of 2012, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him in the city of the med school, where he currently lives. We have been together for about 2 years, and we have never had a fight!! I know it sounds crazy, but we are really open with our feeling and respect each other, so it never gets to a point where thing boil over.

I love him, and think he is "the one." The problem: my rent!!

He bought a house last year, and his mortgage payment is about 4K a month. He is an investment banker, so that is only about half of his monthly income. He wants me to pay between 500-600 dollars a month in rent and contribute about 200 for food each month. If I have to pay more than that it would be slightly (around 10K overall) cheaper for me to go to another school 3 hours away. Now, this sounds like a great deal for me, since I will have no income, just lots and lots of loans.

Since I'm paying so much less, do you think I'll start to feel like a squatter or he will resent me?? In an ideal world, I would pay half or at least a third, but I just cannot afford it. We go out to dinner a lot. I usually pay about 1 in 4 or 1 in 3 times.(My monthly income is about 1400 right now). Should I continue with this practice or cut back even more when I'm living on loans?

Right now, we don't have problems, but I don't want this to become a point of contention between us?? What about furniture? He wants to get new his and her desks for the study, should I offer to pay half (around 800)?? I'm will to keep the old desk when he buys a new one.

He has a cleaner come in once a month (~250) to clean the house, should I say that I will take care of that stuff, or should I just keep my mouth shut? I don't want to feel like the live in maid/chef, but I want to help out more because of the huge disparity in monthly contribution.

Do other people have experiences living with a person earning a lot of money while you are living on loans during med school? What do med students do? I want to maintain the equitable nature of our relationship, but will money problems drag us down?? I know I will be really busy with school, so I really don't want the extra responsibility of all the cleaning and cooking, but I don't want to feel like a freeloader....any advice????

Thanks in advance!!

 

[xanthines]

It sounds like he wants to take care of you which is pretty cool. I'd say go ahead and accept as much of his help/$$$ as you feel comfortable doing so. I think it would also be a good idea to explicitly ask him if he thinks he might resent paying out so much money when you'll be pretty busy and stressed out during school (ie you won't be as much fun as you may have been in the past). Just make sure he's the type to see all this as truly a gift with no strings attached as opposed to expectations in return. If so, great! If not, well then it's time to see what kind of negotiating skills you have! 🙂

-X

After being accepted to med school for the class of 2012, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him in the city of the med school, where he currently lives. We have been together for about 2 years, and we have never had a fight!! I know it sounds crazy, but we are really open with our feeling and respect each other, so it never gets to a point where thing boil over.

I love him, and think he is "the one." The problem: my rent!!

He bought a house last year, and his mortgage payment is about 4K a month. He is an investment banker, so that is only about half of his monthly income. He wants me to pay between 500-600 dollars a month in rent and contribute about 200 for food each month. If I have to pay more than that it would be slightly (around 10K overall) cheaper for me to go to another school 3 hours away. Now, this sounds like a great deal for me, since I will have no income, just lots and lots of loans.

Since I'm paying so much less, do you think I'll start to feel like a squatter or he will resent me?? In an ideal world, I would pay half or at least a third, but I just cannot afford it. We go out to dinner a lot. I usually pay about 1 in 4 or 1 in 3 times.(My monthly income is about 1400 right now). Should I continue with this practice or cut back even more when I'm living on loans?

Right now, we don't have problems, but I don't want this to become a point of contention between us?? What about furniture? He wants to get new his and her desks for the study, should I offer to pay half (around 800)?? I'm will to keep the old desk when he buys a new one.

He has a cleaner come in once a month (~250) to clean the house, should I say that I will take care of that stuff, or should I just keep my mouth shut? I don't want to feel like the live in maid/chef, but I want to help out more because of the huge disparity in monthly contribution.

Do other people have experiences living with a person earning a lot of money while you are living on loans during med school? What do med students do? I want to maintain the equitable nature of our relationship, but will money problems drag us down?? I know I will be really busy with school, so I really don't want the extra responsibility of all the cleaning and cooking, but I don't want to feel like a freeloader....any advice????

Thanks in advance!!

 

[soonereng]

After being accepted to med school for the class of 2012, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him in the city of the med school, where he currently lives. We have been together for about 2 years, and we have never had a fight!! I know it sounds crazy, but we are really open with our feeling and respect each other, so it never gets to a point where thing boil over.

I love him, and think he is "the one." The problem: my rent!!

He bought a house last year, and his mortgage payment is about 4K a month. He is an investment banker, so that is only about half of his monthly income. He wants me to pay between 500-600 dollars a month in rent and contribute about 200 for food each month. If I have to pay more than that it would be slightly (around 10K overall) cheaper for me to go to another school 3 hours away. Now, this sounds like a great deal for me, since I will have no income, just lots and lots of loans.

Since I'm paying so much less, do you think I'll start to feel like a squatter or he will resent me?? In an ideal world, I would pay half or at least a third, but I just cannot afford it. We go out to dinner a lot. I usually pay about 1 in 4 or 1 in 3 times.(My monthly income is about 1400 right now). Should I continue with this practice or cut back even more when I'm living on loans?

Right now, we don't have problems, but I don't want this to become a point of contention between us?? What about furniture? He wants to get new his and her desks for the study, should I offer to pay half (around 800)?? I'm will to keep the old desk when he buys a new one.

He has a cleaner come in once a month (~250) to clean the house, should I say that I will take care of that stuff, or should I just keep my mouth shut? I don't want to feel like the live in maid/chef, but I want to help out more because of the huge disparity in monthly contribution.

Do other people have experiences living with a person earning a lot of money while you are living on loans during med school? What do med students do? I want to maintain the equitable nature of our relationship, but will money problems drag us down?? I know I will be really busy with school, so I really don't want the extra responsibility of all the cleaning and cooking, but I don't want to feel like a freeloader....any advice????

Thanks in advance!!

First off, I would never help pay for a significant other's mortgage through their charging me "rent" unless I would be reimbursed for any equity that my payments helped accrue. I would just rent a place that would be my own and go visit when I could, which brings me to my second point: You will have much less time to spend with said boyfriend once you start med school. Thirdly, money always complicates a relationship. Fourth, if you haven't experienced it, living together is a lot different than you might think, even if he is "the one." You're always in one another's proximity, and a lot of things that weren't apparent before start shining through, both good and bad.

For me, my wife brings in a six figure income and is funding our life for now. All I do is med school (and help with the beautiful babies in my avatar), and I don't feel like a bum. I put her through a second degree and graduate school, and now she is doing the same for me. It's really no big deal to us, but our level of commitment to each other is probably a lot different than yours.

Best of luck to you in making a wise decision.

 

[Twitch]

For married folks atleast it is not uncommon that one person makes much more than the other. The longer you stay together you'll see the numbers flip flop back and forth. More than the exact $ amount, (one school of thought) is you pay proportional to your income. The other school of thought is all money goes into a common pool of funds. In your case since y'all aren't married yet (though sounds like that is the direction you want to take), the former may make more sense.

Also if you do get married, realize there will be quite a few tax benefits for both of you. For instance, since you'll be going to med school you're income should be $0. However, this will make him (and you) eligible for quite a few tax benefits. I've posted quite a bit about this in the financial aid/investments section of this board.

 

[Berrini]

First off, I would never help pay for a significant other's mortgage through their charging me "rent" unless I would be reimbursed for any equity that my payments helped accrue. I would just rent a place that would be my own and go visit when I could, which brings me to my second point: You will have much less time to spend with said boyfriend once you start med school. Thirdly, money always complicates a relationship. Fourth, if you haven't experienced it, living together is a lot different than you might think, even if he is "the one." You're always in one another's proximity, and a lot of things that weren't apparent before start shining through, both good and bad.

I have been thinking a long time about what you first said; he is building equity, and I'm building nothing at all. I thought about getting an apartment, and my parents would prefer if I did not live with him. However, another problem presents itself. In the area of the med school, the rent for a one bedroom apt will cost me around 1,100-1,400/month. For me to pay the same price I would be paying at his house would mean living with at least one roommate. In that case, I'm still not any building equity. I think what I'm really paying for is utilities (electricity, gas, cable, Internet, water). It seems like a lose/lost situation for me either way, since I cannot buy my own house.

Part of the reason for even bring up "living together" is time to see each other. He works from about 8/9am to around 10/11pm M-F, and about 8-10 hours total on the weekend. I will probably have a similar schedule for med school. We would only really be seeing each other in the morning over breakfast and during the weekends. He lives 20 minutes from school and apartments I have looked at are about 10-20 mintes from school. I feel like an idoit renting a place 5-10 minutes from his house just to go over there (or vice versa) 3-4 nights a week. Am I making this more complicated than it need to be??

We've talked about "time outs" in the house, where we go to separate places and hang out with ourselves. We do this now when I come and visit. His place: study with computer games, my place: living room or guest bedroom with book or movie. I hope we can maintain this. Do most people who live together do this or is this just a pipe dream?

 

[drumdoc]

I have been thinking a long time about what you first said; he is building equity, and I'm building nothing at all. I thought about getting an apartment, and my parents would prefer if I did not live with him. However, another problem presents itself. In the area of the med school, the rent for a one bedroom apt will cost me around 1,100-1,400/month. For me to pay the same price I would be paying at his house would mean living with at least one roommate. In that case, I'm still not any building equity. I think what I'm really paying for is utilities (electricity, gas, cable, Internet, water). It seems like a lose/lost situation for me either way, since I cannot buy my own house.

Part of the reason for even bring up "living together" is time to see each other. He works from about 8/9am to around 10/11pm M-F, and about 8-10 hours total on the weekend. I will probably have a similar schedule for med school. We would only really be seeing each other in the morning over breakfast and during the weekends. He lives 20 minutes from school and apartments I have looked at are about 10-20 mintes from school. I feel like an idoit renting a place 5-10 minutes from his house just to go over there (or vice versa) 3-4 nights a week. Am I making this more complicated than it need to be??

We've talked about "time outs" in the house, where we go to separate places and hang out with ourselves. We do this now when I come and visit. His place: study with computer games, my place: living room or guest bedroom with book or movie. I hope we can maintain this. Do most people who live together do this or is this just a pipe dream?

I agree with soonereng's assessment. As you know, money is one of the most cited factors for ending marriages. These are people that at least said (even if they had contrary thoughts) "'til death". With that said, a potential personal difficulty would cost you more in time & energy -- your most valuable resources in med school. He is in his career. You are laying the foundation for being a competitive or non-competitive resident applicant.

Just my 2 centavos...

 

[xanthines]

Yeah, forget about building equity in med school. It's tougher to do than med school itself! 🙂

As I said before, be upfront and discuss the money issues. While money is the most cited reason for splits, I'd venture to say that not talking about things (like money!) is probably the real reason.

I lived with my other half for three years and then moved out to be in long-distance relationship. I sometimes think that being in a long distance relationship forces us to spend time together, whereas when we were living together we took it for granted most of the time. ABsence makes the heart grow fonder, I guess. Even if you do live together, you'll have to make an effort to spend time with each other as a couple, as opposed to being roommates. Incidentally, me personal belief is that cohabitation before marriage is a good thing. The love of your life is also going to be your roommate for life!

When we were living together, we definitely had own spaces despite our teeny apartment. I think it's pretty natural for a guy to want his own fortress of solitude and girl to want her private sanctuary sometimes.

As for breaking up in med school? Well, I've known plenty of people that broke up with some pretty long-lasting relationships and they seem to be OK with regard to competitiveness for residency. I can't think of a single person I know where breaking up with someone has significantly impacted their competitiveness. Sure, it's not pleasant and you don't want to go through this kind of thing in med school. Then again, when is a good time?

If you're still together after going through med school, you'll probably be OK!

-X

Part of the reason for even bring up "living together" is time to see each other.

We've talked about "time outs" in the house, where we go to separate places and hang out with ourselves.

 

[Neuronix]

I don't really see the problem here.

I love him, and think he is "the one."

Great!

The problem: my rent!!

Huh?

He wants me to pay between 500-600 dollars a month in rent and contribute about 200 for food each month.

That's nice of him. I mean you ARE a student and he knows that.

do you think I'll start to feel like a squatter or he will resent me??

If he doesn't mind spending money on you he doesn't mind. If you feel like a squatter that's on you. You're a student. I've totally paid more than my share when I've dated a girl. Who counts money when they're in love? I would take the normal amount of loans any other med student would take and have a decent life.

I don't want this to become a point of contention between us??

This sounds more like it's a point of contention for YOU.

should I say that I will take care of that stuff, or should I just keep my mouth shut?

Offer and negotiate.

I want to maintain the equitable nature of our relationship, but will money problems drag us down??

Do you really think the two of you will make roughly the same amount your whole life? For how many couples is this true? If money problems drag you down it's not a reflection of the money problems, is it's inability to settle this minor stuff.

I know I will be really busy with school, so I really don't want the extra responsibility of all the cleaning and cooking, but I don't want to feel like a freeloader....any advice????

If this guy is as great as you say he is, this shouldn't be much of an issue for him. It really sounds like you have huge issues with this. You should probably get over your own issues or acknowledge that this is all your own personal anxieties and fears causing you not to want to move in with him even though it's in your advantage. It's in the guy's advantage as well as long as you're maintaining a healthy relationship. So what if he pays some more? It sounds to me like he doesn't care (I wouldn't).

I have been thinking a long time about what you first said; he is building equity, and I'm building nothing at all.

? If you rented somewhere else you would build nothing at all AND throw your money away. If you live with him and eventually get married you are building equity. I don't understand this at all. Besides, you are a STUDENT. What equity do you really expect to build as a student?

Part of the reason for even bring up "living together" is time to see each other. He works from about 8/9am to around 10/11pm M-F, and about 8-10 hours total on the weekend. I will probably have a similar schedule for med school.

For most people it's nowhere near that bad. The minimum you gave was 73hours/week. That's about the worst med school gets in third year. I'd say I averaged more like 30-60 hours/week first and second year.

Am I making this more complicated than it need to be??

I think so.

Do most people who live together do this or is this just a pipe dream?

Why not? It's up to you two.

 

[SomedaySoon]

If you feel like you aren't paying your "fair-share", remember that he will get sweet tax breaks for property taxes, mortgage interest and possibly private mortgage insurance. You won't get any of that, nor any equity, so you really are paying your fair share, given the other financial benfits that he will get. Alos, he spends ~ 1/2 his monthly income on the house. you will spend what percent of your "income" on the house? Is it really income if it is all loans? So, by percent of income, you pay more.

When my SO and I lived together, we had a very well laid out financial plan that relaxed over the months. We also each had "private space" that relaxzed over the months- eventually my office became the exercise room and I joined him in his so that we could be together more. And then we got engaged, and married!

When my two friends lived together, as SOs, they fought over his desire for expensive cable, her refusal to pay for it, his getting the electricity shut off becuase he couldn't pay his half and the cable bill...eventually they broke up and had to figure out what to do with the place they were jointly renting.

I know it isn't fun to consider, but what if you break up? will you be able to get an apartment? Right away? Will you be stuck paying him for a year and paying for another place?

Each situation is unique so only you really know yours. I would recommend truly discussing finacnes with him, so there aren't surprises. You might be surprised by what he finds "obvious" that you find just the opposite. also, if you are thinking this could head towards marriage, rather than long-term SO and living together, then before you dive deeper into the relationship and co-habitating, with the stress and importance of med school, I suggest you talk about future handling of finacnes, career expectations, children, name changes and religion (the most commonly problematic areas.)

good luck!

 

[Berrini]

Thanks for all your input!

I think you guys are totally right about me feeling strange about the finanical situation while by boyfriend does not really mind. We've talked about it more, and I feel more comfortable with the situation. I think I just did not want to feel like I was being taken care of by a man, but he thinks about it in terms of us "being apart of the same household." All my life I've been trying to be so independent, so its a little strange to give that up in a small way, but I'm realizing thats just the way relationship are, especially when you are a med student, and you have absolutely no income.

By the way, wonder why this thread was moved to "Spouses and Partners" from the "Allo-Medical Students" and the "Long Distance Relationships" and "How To Deal With Being Single" Threads were not. Aren't they all the dealing with the same basic issues?? Don't a parentage of medical students live with someone that is earning an income while they are not??? Just wondering...

Thanks again!