psychiatry jokes

[Hurricane]

I'll start:

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

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[Poety]

Oh that was cute thanks Hurricane!

 

[pschmom1]

yeah, that was cute

 

[nortomaso]

Ok, this is not strictly a psych joke and you may of all heard it before, but I'd like to keep this thread alive.

Dr: I have bad news and worse news.
Pt: What's the bad news?
Dr. You have cancer.
Pt: Oh my God! Then what's the worse news?
Dr: You also have Alzheimers
Pt: Oh my God! Well....at least I don't have cancer.

 

[Miklos]

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 1. But, the bulb has to want to change.

 

[OldPsychDoc]

A psychologist (since psychiatrists aren't trained well enough to do these things anymore) is doing Rorschach testing on a patient. With each inkblot he asks the patient what he sees.

The replies follow this general theme: "Two people making love". "Two dogs mating". "Two women kissing." "A man masturbating." And so on...
Finally he blurts out, "Oh--That's disgusting! I can't even talk about that!"

The psychologist says, "It seems to me that you might be a little preoccupied with sex."

The patient replies, "What do you mean? They're your dirty pictures!"

 

[Anasazi23]

A psychologist (since psychiatrists aren't trained well enough to do these things anymore) is doing Rorschach testing on a patient. With each inkblot he asks the patient what he sees.

The replies follow this general theme: "Two people making love". "Two dogs mating". "Two women kissing." "A man masturbating." And so on...
Finally he blurts out, "Oh--That's disgusting! I can't even talk about that!"

The psychologist says, "It seems to me that you might be a little preoccupied with sex."

The patient replies, "What do you mean? They're your dirty pictures!"

My dad used to tell that joke when I was a kid. He got a real kick out of it.

 

[Anasazi23]

Q. How do you tell the difference between a psychiatrist and a psych patient?

A. The psychiatrist is the one with the keys.

 

[Miklos]

If we're going to include psychologists, then I'll submit this one. I've heard a couple versions of it.

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him. "For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"

 

[PsychEval]

A psychologist (since psychiatrists aren't trained well enough to do these things anymore) is doing Rorschach testing on a patient. With each inkblot he asks the patient what he sees.

The replies follow this general theme: "Two people making love". "Two dogs mating". "Two women kissing." "A man masturbating." And so on...
Finally he blurts out, "Oh--That's disgusting! I can't even talk about that!"

The psychologist says, "It seems to me that you might be a little preoccupied with sex."

The patient replies, "What do you mean? They're your dirty pictures!"

That’s a good one. I think that joke was also in “What about Bob.” Great movie.

Here’s one:

Forensic Psychology Joke.

Why are more psychologists working with attorneys instead of lab rats?

It is too easy to get attached to the rats.

 

[BKN]

That’s a good one. I think that joke was also in “What about Bob.” Great movie.

Here’s one:

Forensic Psychology Joke.

Why are more psychologists working with attorneys instead of lab rats?

It is too easy to get attached to the rats.

And there are some things even a rat won't do.

 

[Anasazi23]

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

 

[OldPsychDoc]

My dad used to tell that joke when I was a kid. He got a real kick out of it.

Thus reinforcing my paternal role on SDN Psychiatry.

Is this transference, 'Sazi?

 

[Anasazi23]

Nah,

Come to think of it, he was fond of telling psychiatry jokes. I remember another:

An American Indian goes into a psychiatrist's office and says [he uses Tonto accent with appropriate halting] "Doc, must help me. I have strange dreams. Two night ago I dreamt I was wigwam. Last night, I dreamt I was a teepee."

The psychiatrist says, "Oh, that's easy, you're two tense."

 

[Poety]

Thus reinforcing my paternal role on SDN Psychiatry.

Is this transference, 'Sazi?

OPD I'm thinking you wanna be the father figure here

 

[mosche]

What's the difference between a good psychiatrist and a bad psychiatrist?

$300/hour!

 

[mosche]

Q: Why did the psychiatrist cross the road?

A: Hmm. I'm not sure. Tell me about the psychiatrist's mother.

Q: What do psychiatrists perscribe for a bad sense of humor?

A: Riddle-in.

Q: What do you call a student who wants to go into psychiatry who is AOA, made 250s on the Steps after they complete residency?

A: A dermatologist!

 

[Poety]

 

[Thewonderer]

A psych nurse told me the following joke:

Q: What is the different between a psychiatrist and a psych patient?

A: The patient is the one getting better....

 

[Poety]

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

 

[Poety]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

-------------------

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

--------------------------------------------------

 

[pingouin]

CHRISTMAS SONGS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED


Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells ...

Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Autistic --- Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...

Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House

 

[Psychologyfiend]

CHRISTMAS SONGS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Some of these are a sad examples of the stigma surrounding mental illness…it would be totally unacceptable to make jokes about cancer or other serious illnesses in these forums but for some reason making fun of mental illness is always good for a lark…ugh!

Anyway…

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams."

 

[mosche]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

-------------------

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

--------------------------------------------------

BTW: I LOVE COLDPLAY! AND as a gay JEW: I LOVE COLDPLAY!

 

[mosche]

Some of these are a sad examples of the stigma surrounding mental illness…it would be totally unacceptable to make jokes about cancer or other serious illnesses in these forums but for some reason making fun of mental illness is always good for a lark…ugh!

"

It really is sad that people would ever laugh at these poor unfortunate beings! I mean, psych. patients are such sad figures. Anyway in the interest of fairness:

Q: What do you say to a patient who has just discovered that they have lung cancer?

A: Want a cigarette?



Q: What do you call a FP physician who scored 250 on the steps?

A: overqualified!

Q: What does a person with multiple personalities say to a surgeon?

A: Need to borrow one?

 

[mosche]

CHRISTMAS SONGS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED


Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells ...

Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Autistic --- Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...

Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House

 

[Poety]

BTW: I LOVE COLDPLAY! AND as a gay JEW: I LOVE COLDPLAY!

I drew line, I drew a line for you lalallalala oh what a thing to do ... And it was yellow....

 

[Doc Samson]

While we're being equal opportunity offenders:

Q: What do you call a VA patient with 2 legs?

A: Pre-op

 

[mosche]

While we're being equal opportunity offenders:

Q: What do you call a VA patient with 2 legs?

A: Pre-op

VERY NICE!

 

[mucha]

A schizophrenic patient comes in to the psychiatrist's office with another schizophrenic friend.
"My friend is psychotic lately, he thinks he is Jesus"
After a mental exam the psychiatrist happily concludes: "You are right, I congratulate you on your insight"
"I knew it" the patient replies "he is not My Son!"

 

[mucha]

"Well, I see that you were employed by a psychiatrist, why did you quit?"
"Well, I couldn't win. When I arrived late, I was hostile. When I arrived early, I had an anxiety disorder. And when I was on time, I was obsessive compulsive"

 

[mosche]

A schizophrenic patient comes in to the psychiatrist's office with another schizophrenic friend.
"My friend is psychotic lately, he thinks he is Jesus"
After a mental exam the psychiatrist happily concludes: "You are right, I congratulate you on your insight"
"I knew it" the patient replies "he is not My Son!"

 

[Poety]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,

"Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

 

[PeterG]

It really is sad that people would ever laugh at these poor unfortunate beings! I mean, psych. patients are such sad figures.

Mosche I hope you aren't serious about psych. patients being such sad figures! Too often I think they are either viciously ridiculed or pitied; very little middle ground there! Anyway, I don't think there is any malicious intent here.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain.
Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!




Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge...
Psychiatrist: What's come over you?
Patient: Two trucks, five cars...




Man: Doctor, my wife thinks she's a refrigerator!
Psychiatrist: Don't worry, it will pass.
Man: But, doctor, when she sleeps with her mouth open, that damn light bugs me



What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother", the shrink will ask "Why do you
say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."


I like the last one especially

 

[mosche]

Mosche I hope you aren't serious about psych. patients being such sad figures! Too often I think they are either viciously ridiculed or pitied; very little middle ground there! Anyway, I don't think there is any malicious intent here.

:

No malicious intent at all! My point was that we -- those of us in the academic community -- take ourselves WAY TOO SERIOUSLY! In actuality, I hate it when when people are "pitied": not because pity is a bad thing per se, rather it OFTEN implies a sense of superiority. Should I ever need psychiatric help, I hope that I have a compassionate caregiver; not someone who pities me.

An earlier poster seemed to suggest that we ought not to participate in this thread (or that it was somehow wrong); that was where my remark came from -- it was meant as sarcasm.

BTW, loved the refrigerator joke!

 

[Poety]

I pity da fool... <Mr. T>

 

[PeterG]

An earlier poster seemed to suggest that we ought not to participate in this thread (or that it was somehow wrong); that was where my remark came from -- it was meant as sarcasm.

Thanks for clarifying. It's impossible to read sarcasm on an internet forum.

 

[pingouin]

No malicious intent at all! My point was that we -- those of us in the academic community -- take ourselves WAY TOO SERIOUSLY! In actuality, I hate it when when people are "pitied": not because pity is a bad thing per se, rather it OFTEN implies a sense of superiority. Should I ever need psychiatric help, I hope that I have a compassionate caregiver; not someone who pities me.

An earlier poster seemed to suggest that we ought not to participate in this thread (or that it was somehow wrong); that was where my remark came from -- it was meant as sarcasm.

Let me chime in (since I posted it)- as confirmed by PeterG and mosche, there was no malicious intent to my post, only tongue-in-cheek.


Poety- if you're going to quote Mr. T, I want to see some gold chains and a mohawk on that baby!

 

[pingouin]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

 

[Poety]

Let me chime in (since I posted it)- as confirmed by PeterG and mosche, there was no malicious intent to my post, only tongue-in-cheek.


Poety- if you're going to quote Mr. T, I want to see some gold chains and a mohawk on that baby!

She wears "tiffany's" (notice the overuse of quotes) and her "gold" is put away -


I pity da fool.... thast gunna be my signature - sad thing is, everyone would think I just love Mr. T, and wouldn't get the joke at all

I pity tha FOOL

 

[pingouin]

She wears "tiffany's" (notice the overuse of quotes) and her "gold" is put away -


I pity da fool.... thast gunna be my signature - sad thing is, everyone would think I just love Mr. T, and wouldn't get the joke at all

I pity tha FOOL

If memory serves, BA Barracus had a really bad flying phobia. Could that mean "I pity tha FOOL" was a reference to himself?

 

[mosche]

Let me chime in (since I posted it)- as confirmed by PeterG and mosche, there was no malicious intent to my post, only tongue-in-cheek.


Poety- if you're going to quote Mr. T, I want to see some gold chains and a mohawk on that baby!

So, YOU <pointing finger> are the "root of all this evil"?

Poety, notice the over-abundance of "quotes"? Can we say, "Tiffany's"?

 

[pingouin]

So, YOU <pointing finger> are the "root of all this evil"?

Poety, notice the over-abundance of "quotes"? Can we say, "Tiffany's"?

now we have to use "quotes", bold, CAPS, and larger font size?????????????? I'm not sure I can "keep up"!

Yes, I am evil, and if you want me to edit that post it's going to cost you one meeeeeeellion dollars.

 

[mosche]

one meeeeeeellion dollars.

That's a lot of money! Do you think that I work in a casino?

 

[pingouin]

That's a lot of money! Do you think that I work in a casino?

Pawn some of that "Tiffany's" you keep mentioning. I hear Caruthersville has some nice shops.

 

[Poety]

And we WONDER why people think SHRINKS are WEIRD

 

[Poety]

Pawn some of that "Tiffany's" you keep mentioning. I hear Caruthersville has some nice shops.

i ONLY bid at Thalheimers Those overpriced bahstahds.

 

[mosche]

Pawn some of that "Tiffany's" you keep mentioning. I hear Caruthersville has some nice shops.

I love the fact that you know where Caruthersville is! Sad really, BUT I still love the fact!

Poety, I'm not weird. I'm a good person, and I like me!

 

[pingouin]

I love the fact that you know where Caruthersville is! Sad really, BUT I still love the fact!

Poety, I'm not weird. I'm a good person, and I like me!

Sure, sure- it's right up the road from Hayti- "the only town of 3000 that I know of that has a gang infestation problem" and one county over from Kennett, "where men are men and sheep are scared".

Or so says someone I used to work with who had lived down there.