Rant: Romance and the Long Road Ahead

[BeachBlondie]

So....here I am.

I made the decision to be a doctor in 2008, and after the spinning of my wheels, finding my footing, and FINALLY getting to the end of my pre-requisites, I am looking forward--like the rest of you--to the steep ascent. Rougher from here on out.

I'm ok with this, though. Bring it on. And, despite my 70-80 hour weeks, balancing full-time work and a heavy load of classes, I feel more solid in my decision than ever before..........

....but it seems as if I'm the only one....

Several weeks ago, my relationship ended. About 2 and a half years worth of an amazing time. He said he would be there with me through anything, and I never doubted that he would. But, just before the start of the semester, he brought the hammer down and told me that he couldn't handle my schedule now, and does not have the strength to support a future doctor. I respected the decision, and was impressed that he could be so candid about it. Oddly enough, I wasn't devastated. More so, I was relieved for him.

Seeing as how I'm tenacious enough to want to do a specialty with a long, arduous residency...I can't help but wonder what man would want to be there for me? Who would be crazy enough to enter into a relationship, just to be alone for most of the week?

Anyone else have this feeling? That we are sacrificing the relationships we hold dear in order to assist complete strangers? A bit twisted, this medicine thing... A bit twisted we are for loving it so much

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[Bluesun]

A few months ago my long term girlfriend and I broke up as well -- shortly before our 4 year anniversary. I had the ring picked out and a proposal date set.

Part of her reasoning for leaving, I think, was my decision to pursue medicine -- she really wanted a family, soon, and commented how that would not be feasible with my plans. I think in choosing this path, we more or less agree to put having a family on hold. Some people aren't willing to accept that.

In regards to your question about who would want to be with a med student with this kind of schedule: I know there are people that would be willing to; I know I would be.

 

[BeachBlondie]

Sorry to hear about your relationship, man. Medicine really IS all-encompassing in life. But, hey, at least now you can:

1) Save on wedding costs
2) ???
3) Profit.

 

[ShoTyme]

The naked honesty of your post has me looking around the room trying to find a towel. I wish I could give you a hug (after finding the towel of course )and tell you everything will be alright . I wish I could tell myself the same thing. The reality is, it may not be alright. We may be destined to ruin lives in the effort to eventually save them. The irony, it appears, is lost on neither of us. We tell ourselves that this is our calling. This is what we are meant to do. In the middle of the night, when I toss and turn, I often question my decision. Doubt invariably creeps in with the shadows in my room. Is this what I am really meant to do? Am I being selfish? The answer to both questions it seems is yes. I feel with every ounce of my being that this is what I am meant to do, nevertheless, the pursuit is extremely selfish. Everyone around me is suffering because of my choice. I am thankful for a very supportive wife, but how long will it last? Will she hold out the entire way? Will my children forever resent me? In the end, I hope I can look back and say with supreme confidence that it was all well worth it and I would do it again in a heartbeat. However, I am becoming more and more convinced that this will not be the case.

 

[peppy]

Well, if it helps, there is hope for having a healthy and happy relationship in spite of med school. Sounds like your exes just weren't the right people to deal with this.
I ended up getting together with my current SO while I was a third year med student. In spite of being a long distance couple, in spite of my crazy hours on rotations like General Surgery, OB/Gyn (not to mention EM)...even in spite of my doing TWO internships (long story), the relationship is going strong several years into residency.
Those of us who go into medicine do have an unusual life situation, and not everyone can understand or deal with it. That can be a good screening tool though. It's really easy for people to love a "rich doctor" at the end of the long road after you're done paying the dues.
However, it takes a special person who is strong, intelligent, and confident to handle the craziness of a med student's life. I definitely feel like my relationship is stronger because of some of the tests that my training put things through.
You don't need the sort of person who would whine about not getting enough attention from you during a rough clinical rotation. You want the kind of partner who will leave a note and some candy in your call bag when you're on a crummy call covering the ICU.

 

[BeachBlondie]

THAT is awesome to hear. Thanks for the insight!!

Well, if it helps, there is hope for having a healthy and happy relationship in spite of med school. Sounds like your exes just weren't the right people to deal with this.
I ended up getting together with my current SO while I was a third year med student. In spite of being a long distance couple, in spite of my crazy hours on rotations like General Surgery, OB/Gyn (not to mention EM)...even in spite of my doing TWO internships (long story), the relationship is going strong several years into residency.
Those of us who go into medicine do have an unusual life situation, and not everyone can understand or deal with it. That can be a good screening tool though. It's really easy for people to love a "rich doctor" at the end of the long road after you're done paying the dues.
However, it takes a special person who is strong, intelligent, and confident to handle the craziness of a med student's life. I definitely feel like my relationship is stronger because of some of the tests that my training put things through.
You don't need the sort of person who would whine about not getting enough attention from you during a rough clinical rotation. You want the kind of partner who will leave a note and some candy in your call bag when you're on a crummy call covering the ICU.

 

[username123]

This will sound terribly corny, but it's absolutely true: when you find the right guy, the time issue won't matter. My husband and I have been through so much in the last eight years (married two), but despite us both having crazy schedules and so many hurdles to jump through, we laugh together all the time and are willing to make the sacrifices needed. We have a one year old and are planning to have another kid during my glide year. It says a lot that even though he's wary of the time commitment of med school and residency, he's willing to do it, with a family to plan for.

Hang in there. You'll get there.

 

[Valadi]

Happens to guys too. I had to break up with my last 2 gfs simply because I couldn't commit the time they needed, am travelling all over the country for rotations, and have no idea where I'll be for residency, very soon. In the beginning they said they understood the schedule (I can understand it being easy to say in the beginning, but to develop different feelings after a couple months-years of it) but eventually it's natural to want more, and it wasn't fair to string them along if I couldn't provide it.

That being said, I have a couple friends who got married in med school to people outside of medicine and their relationships are going strong (with sacrifices made on both parts). It can be done; it's just difficult to let your partner know that you won't be that typical couple that gets to spend 5 nights a week lounging together. If you can find someone who will stick through these rough parts, chances are they are a quality catch.

 

[n3xa]

However, it takes a special person who is strong, intelligent, and confident to handle the craziness of a med student's life.

Pretty much learned this one^^ fairly quickly from my previous "career" as a research scientist.

*sigh*

 

[ILikeFood]

There was a couple I knew back when I did my postbacc.

She worked and went to school and was really busy

He worked and then came home to an empy apartment

They divorced.

My hypothesis: The problem wasn't the life, it was her not making an effort to spend time with him. She was always studying in the library in the cubicle next to me until 1 a.m. in the morning. Every single day. There was no Friday afternoon for the husband in the schedule. It was just study, study, study, work, work, work.

I'm not saying it's the case with you and your now ex. I don't know the situation. Maybe he was a good guy that simply could not deal with that sort of life, despite your efforts.


You'll bump into another dude, they're always up to take out the blondes. If you're lazy and let them come to you then he'll probably end up being a med school classmate. They're not all toolbags, y'know.

I've been following your plight these last couple of years, mostly because I'm from San Diego myself. Good luck in the application process, you've been going at it hard and deserve it.

 

[phltz]

It's tough, absolutely. A lot of med students and doctors really struggle to keep a relationship together. Have you ever seen the old Nova documentary, "Doctor Diaries"? I think every one of the doctors they follow in that either get divorced, or never marry. It's grim out there.

That said, I think there is hope. There's been more of a shift in recent years towards maintaining a work/life balance, in med school, in residency, and in practice. I think makes it more possible for people to put the time and effort into keeping their lives and relationships together. If you make having a relationship a priority, you can do it, but realize you may have to sacrifice other things to free up the time and energy to make it work. If you want to honor all your classes, complete all of your readings, go to the gym every day, cook yourself a healthy dinner every evening, keep in close touch with a large pool of far-off family and friends, and get 6-8 hours of sleep every night, then the possibility of nurturing and maintaining a relationship seems remote. You need to figure out which things are more important. Which things will you insist on doing and achieving, and which things are you willing to let slide? If the relationship is worth it, you'll figure out which other requirements you're willing to bend to make it work.

But the amount of time and effort it takes to make it work depend on the other person. Some people demand more than others, and some people will be easier to provide these things to. The guy who just left you sounds like he wanted a lot more than you were prepared to give. One option is certainly to find a fellow who will demand less time with you. Another good option is to find someone who you will see a lot anyway, such as another medical student at your school. This lets you see them during class, maybe work or study together sometimes, grab lunch or a quick cup of coffee between classes or duties at the hospital, etc. If it's a relationship worth sticking with, it means you can couples match.

Of the med students in my class who seem to have good relationships, a few are people who have a patient, understanding SO who doesn't make large demands of time and energy. Most are dating another med student. It just seems to make things a lot easier.

I'm an M1, and my SO is currently applying to med school. It's pretty stressful, because it seems like a lot is riding on how her application process goes, and whether she ends up here, nearby, or halfway across the country. For now I'm trying not to worry about the unknowable future, and to just enjoy the good thing that I have going right now.

 

[BeachBlondie]

Lots of support on here. I certainly feel the good vibes. If it's one thing I can be assured of, it's that there are thousands of others who know my plight exactly.

And, ILikeFood, thanks for keeping up with my saga. Lame as my story may be, it's nice to know there are watchful, San Diego brethren on here!

 

[Jack is Back]

So....here I am.

I made the decision to be a doctor in 2008, and after the spinning of my wheels, finding my footing, and FINALLY getting to the end of my pre-requisites, I am looking forward--like the rest of you--to the steep ascent. Rougher from here on out.

I'm ok with this, though. Bring it on. And, despite my 70-80 hour weeks, balancing full-time work and a heavy load of classes, I feel more solid in my decision than ever before..........

....but it seems as if I'm the only one....

Several weeks ago, my relationship ended. About 2 and a half years worth of an amazing time. He said he would be there with me through anything, and I never doubted that he would. But, just before the start of the semester, he brought the hammer down and told me that he couldn't handle my schedule now, and does not have the strength to support a future doctor. I respected the decision, and was impressed that he could be so candid about it. Oddly enough, I wasn't devastated. More so, I was relieved for him.

Seeing as how I'm tenacious enough to want to do a specialty with a long, arduous residency...I can't help but wonder what man would want to be there for me? Who would be crazy enough to enter into a relationship, just to be alone for most of the week?

Anyone else have this feeling? That we are sacrificing the relationships we hold dear in order to assist complete strangers? A bit twisted, this medicine thing... A bit twisted we are for loving it so much

lol, yeah. Don't marry a doctor, especially one who is after a competitive specialty like surgery subspecialties.

Honestly, who would want to be with someone who can never be around.

My excitement for medicine has certainly waned since the beginning of school. I still think it's a great career but there are certainly some paths in medicine that cost far too much. Life is better than medicine.

 

[Jack is Back]

This will sound terribly corny, but it's absolutely true: when you find the right guy, the time issue won't matter. My husband and I have been through so much in the last eight years (married two), but despite us both having crazy schedules and so many hurdles to jump through, we laugh together all the time and are willing to make the sacrifices needed. We have a one year old and are planning to have another kid during my glide year. It says a lot that even though he's wary of the time commitment of med school and residency, he's willing to do it, with a family to plan for.

Hang in there. You'll get there.

Marriage is much different than a couple dating. Marriage is a commitment.

A husband should put up with much more than a boyfriend.

 

[phltz]

lol, yeah. Don't marry a doctor, especially one who is after a competitive specialty like surgery subspecialties.

Honestly, who would want to be with someone who can never be around.

My excitement for medicine has certainly waned since the beginning of school. I still think it's a great career but there are certainly some paths in medicine that cost far too much. Life is better than medicine.

That depends on what you're looking for and what kind of life you lead. If you come home from work at 5:30 every evening and sit in an empty house, yeah, you're gonna miss your partner pretty bad. If you've got your own stuff going on, it may not be as big of a deal.

If you want someone to cuddle on the couch with and watch movies, or to raise tons of children with, or to collaborate on artistic projects with, you're right, a surgeon is absolutely the wrong person to date/marry. If you want someone who is at the top of their field, sure, why not? That's the beauty of life and love. Each of us gets to decide what we want, and then go work on making that happen.

 

[QofQuimica]

Seeing as how I'm tenacious enough to want to do a specialty with a long, arduous residency...I can't help but wonder what man would want to be there for me? Who would be crazy enough to enter into a relationship, just to be alone for most of the week?

One who is heavily involved in a career or intensive hobby of his own and isn't sitting around alone for most of the week. It could be another med student/doctor, or it could be someone in a completely different field who has a major passion of his own. Either way, it should be someone who wants you in his life, but doesn't need you to be his reason for living.

As for where you'll meet him, who can say? I know of several couples who met on SDN, to the point where some of the old-timers quip that this is actually the Student Dating Network.

 

[Sutton]

On the flip side, I have worked with people in their 30s and 40s who are getting a divorce and stuck in a crappy career. They were the ones who gave up their dreams to get married and have a family and all that good stuff. Now, they are alone and wondering if they should have put their dreams first. I guess, like others have mentioned it is all about timing. The most important thing is to make sure that you are following a path that is meaningful and gratifying. Everything else becomes secondary. It will fall into place if you are happy and content with your life.

 

[avaAdore]

On the flip side, I have worked with people in their 30s and 40s who are getting a divorce and stuck in a crappy career. They were the ones who gave up their dreams to get married and have a family and all that good stuff. Now, they are alone and wondering if they should have put their dreams first. I guess, like others have mentioned it is all about timing. The most important thing is to make sure that you are following a path that is meaningful and gratifying. Everything else becomes secondary. It will fall into place if you are happy and content with your life.

my ex-husband had a problem with my wanting to go into medicine.

but you're right about timing. even going INTO medicine has be at the right timing... cuz the path would be as highly demanding of your time, energy, and passion as any relationship.

 

[wholeheartedly]

I think about this quite a bit. It's a pretty long road and it seems like a lot to ask of somebody to accompany you on it sometimes.

In the end though, I figure that I'm more likely to meet someone that's my best match by doing things that I find meaningful and am passionate about.

 

[phltz]

In the end though I figure, that I'm more likely to meet someone that's my best match by doing things that I find meaningful and am passionate about.

I definitely agree. One type of people may view your passions and accomplishments as something that distracts you from your relationships. A second type of person will view them as something special that is worth cherishing. I know I'd rather have someone who wants to accomplish things and make a difference than someone who wants to come home at 5:30 every day and nest.

If you want to be a doctor, you probably should try to find one of the second type of person.

 

[Bluesun]

In the end though I figure, that I'm more likely to meet someone that's my best match by doing things that I find meaningful and am passionate about.

+1 to this. This is my tentative plan -- I'm past the age of going out to bars looking to pick up chicks, I think. I just don't have it in me, and the type of woman I'm looking for these days has to has some modicum of personal success.

In the meantime, though, being single is still not something I'm particularly good at yet . I've always been the fan of having a "partner in crime". As with anything else though, I will adapt, as will you, BeachBlondie.

 

[vin5cent0]

So....here I am.

I made the decision to be a doctor in 2008, and after the spinning of my wheels, finding my footing, and FINALLY getting to the end of my pre-requisites, I am looking forward--like the rest of you--to the steep ascent. Rougher from here on out.

I'm ok with this, though. Bring it on. And, despite my 70-80 hour weeks, balancing full-time work and a heavy load of classes, I feel more solid in my decision than ever before..........

....but it seems as if I'm the only one....

Several weeks ago, my relationship ended. About 2 and a half years worth of an amazing time. He said he would be there with me through anything, and I never doubted that he would. But, just before the start of the semester, he brought the hammer down and told me that he couldn't handle my schedule now, and does not have the strength to support a future doctor. I respected the decision, and was impressed that he could be so candid about it. Oddly enough, I wasn't devastated. More so, I was relieved for him.

Seeing as how I'm tenacious enough to want to do a specialty with a long, arduous residency...I can't help but wonder what man would want to be there for me? Who would be crazy enough to enter into a relationship, just to be alone for most of the week?

Anyone else have this feeling? That we are sacrificing the relationships we hold dear in order to assist complete strangers? A bit twisted, this medicine thing... A bit twisted we are for loving it so much

Some are willing, some aren't. That's just the nature of the beast.

There are many, many men out there who would love to have a wife pulling in 6 figures as a doctor. Hell, most men would prefer you're busy as we like to have a lot of time to ourselves to pursue whatever we like - and if we have a wife pulling down lots of money while doing so, that's only a bonus (again, not all guys, but many). If you're attractive, you only further the chances.

So, I wouldn't worry about it. I just broke up with my gf of 2 years, despite her being very supportive of what I want, and I'm not going to worry much about it. You'll find someone who doesn't mind, or perhaps has even the same interests, in the end.

 

[Thales]

So....here I am.
Seeing as how I'm tenacious enough to want to do a specialty with a long, arduous residency...I can't help but wonder what man would want to be there for me?

Someone who loves you and supports you. Admittedly you do have to make some time for him over other things in your social life.

Who would be crazy enough to enter into a relationship, just to be alone for most of the week?

Someone who has a similar schedule or who is strong enough to be alone without cheating/going crazy.

Anyone else have this feeling? That we are sacrificing the relationships we hold dear in order to assist complete strangers? A bit twisted, this medicine thing... A bit twisted we are for loving it so much

Ya', I feel as though I've sacrificed a lot just to even get to the point I'm at. That includes the relationships I've had with some amazing people. However I want to go into medicine more than I want a relationship right now. I see my friends dating and partying, and a part of me is a little jealous. I just have to remind myself that those things will come again and right now I'm building individual strength. I'm no longer looking for a relationship or pursuing women. One of my ex-gf's was a terrible influence. It's hard to do homework when someone is streaking around naked trying to entice you... I've even been asked if I was gay because my blinders are firmly in place. A conversation leads up to the point where it's expected of me to ask them out and it never happens. LoL.

I did date a pre-med chick. WHAT A HUGE MISTAKE! Everything was a competition. Though that may have been her age more than anything else.

 

[NTF]

I do think many people sacrifice relationships during this part of their medical career. I don't think it's necessarily to the detriment of their lives in the long term at least for the younger ones. It's tempting to always put the rest of your life on a lesser priority when medicine is something you've worked so hard for and you care so much about being good at it. That being said many people do balance medicine & relationships successfully (though not without difficulties). I don't think it's necessary to give that part of your life up, but it does require management of expectations in your significant other, a willingness to be flexible and compromise.

 

[startswithb]

One who is heavily involved in a career or intensive hobby of his own and isn't sitting around alone for most of the week. It could be another med student/doctor, or it could be someone in a completely different field who has a major passion of his own. Either way, it should be someone who wants you in his life, but doesn't need you to be his reason for living.

As for where you'll meet him, who can say? I know of several couples who met on SDN, to the point where some of the old-timers quip that this is actually the Student Dating Network.

Yep. When I moved away for med school my SO and I made the unofficial promise that we were each going to use this time to work hard on our careers. I'm adjusting to life as a med student and he is taking on new projects at work. Also, some of the things we love about one another in the first place are our drive and ambition. We are each so proud of each other and would NEVER want someone who was needy or wanted the soccer mom life. Heck, I wanted him to come visit after our first exam but he is out west for work. Oh well, I'm proud of him and we'll see each other when we see each other. I know there will certainly be times when I won't be available when he wants me to be.

 

[Ivory12]

So....here I am.

I made the decision to be a doctor in 2008, and after the spinning of my wheels, finding my footing, and FINALLY getting to the end of my pre-requisites, I am looking forward--like the rest of you--to the steep ascent. Rougher from here on out.

I'm ok with this, though. Bring it on. And, despite my 70-80 hour weeks, balancing full-time work and a heavy load of classes, I feel more solid in my decision than ever before..........

....but it seems as if I'm the only one....

Several weeks ago, my relationship ended. About 2 and a half years worth of an amazing time. He said he would be there with me through anything, and I never doubted that he would. But, just before the start of the semester, he brought the hammer down and told me that he couldn't handle my schedule now, and does not have the strength to support a future doctor. I respected the decision, and was impressed that he could be so candid about it. Oddly enough, I wasn't devastated. More so, I was relieved for him.

Seeing as how I'm tenacious enough to want to do a specialty with a long, arduous residency...I can't help but wonder what man would want to be there for me? Who would be crazy enough to enter into a relationship, just to be alone for most of the week?

Anyone else have this feeling? That we are sacrificing the relationships we hold dear in order to assist complete strangers? A bit twisted, this medicine thing... A bit twisted we are for loving it so much

As you mention in your post, other-directedness [sic?] is a huge part of medicine. But what I think a lot of people hesitate to focus too much on is that the decision to do medicine is, in large part, about you and what you want/need out of a career and a life. So, your ex, would he really prefer to have you physically present on a more regular basis, but maybe a walking husk of who you could be, with this vague sense of unfulfillment and regret?

This is getting existential, and may be some sort of coping mechanism for the things I've missed out on because "we're at different places in our lives"; but I do think that, though making the decision to take a step back down the career/life/money/etc. ladder and invest a lot of time and energy into this process may lead to some losses and rough patches, ultimately we will be able to give more to future partners/friends/etc. Self-actualization and all that.

 

[Jack is Back]

That depends on what you're looking for and what kind of life you lead. If you come home from work at 5:30 every evening and sit in an empty house, yeah, you're gonna miss your partner pretty bad. If you've got your own stuff going on, it may not be as big of a deal.

If you want someone to cuddle on the couch with and watch movies, or to raise tons of children with, or to collaborate on artistic projects with, you're right, a surgeon is absolutely the wrong person to date/marry. If you want someone who is at the top of their field, sure, why not? That's the beauty of life and love. Each of us gets to decide what we want, and then go work on making that happen.

lol what?

So basically, if you want a relationship with someone with no time to relate, marry a neurosurgeon.

I would hope everyone in a relationship wants to spend time relating with that person, even if it's only an hour or two a day. That's better than nothing. I used to like surgery a bit more, but after talking to people who've done it and looking at the reality of it (as opposed to the pre-med idea of, "oh that's so cool."), I've come to realize there is a reason surgeon are the most dissatisfied specialty in medicine. I respect surgeons a lot but some of them work 90 hrs a week, yuck.

 

[Lefty Doodle]

I didn't have time to read the entire thread but I totally know what you are talking about. I think, in a way, I delayed my decision to go into medicine because I wanted a family and was not sure how I could do both. But then I saw relationship after relationship fail (I mean, mostly because I ended them, don't want to sound like a girl who goes for guys who detest her ) and realized nothing is certain in life except for what I am doing right now, and I have the most control over my plans--not my feelings, not someone else's feelings, not some timeline I hoped for for having kids. So instead of fitting a career into a family, since I don't have one yet, the family is going to have to fit into a career. And so many of my girlfriends are single now, in our late 20's, being a single woman is not going to be as lonely as it probably was 20 years ago. You get older and you learn not to settle, for a career or a man, and you are happier. But I think we will find love. I've been going to these interviews and even though they are all like 21 and won't help you with your suitcase on the stairs, the guys are all tall and handsome .

 

[BeachBlondie]

HA! Interview bonus

I'm not unhappy with what happened. And, I think that's what surprised me the most--my dedication to the craft being so deeply ingrained that I've been able to sustain a blow like that.

And, don't get me wrong, I'm gone 80 hours/week, but I ALWAYS made time--no matter how brief--for him. I think it's just hard to prepare someone fully for that lifestyle. You can't reason with them; they just have to decide whether or not it's doable through experience. I'm just glad that he was brave enough to tell me, rather than continuing to be dissatisfied.

I didn't have time to read the entire thread but I totally know what you are talking about. I think, in a way, I delayed my decision to go into medicine because I wanted a family and was not sure how I could do both. But then I saw relationship after relationship fail (I mean, mostly because I ended them, don't want to sound like a girl who goes for guys who detest her ) and realized nothing is certain in life except for what I am doing right now, and I have the most control over my plans--not my feelings, not someone else's feelings, not some timeline I hoped for for having kids. So instead of fitting a career into a family, since I don't have one yet, the family is going to have to fit into a career. And so many of my girlfriends are single now, in our late 20's, being a single woman is not going to be as lonely as it probably was 20 years ago. You get older and you learn not to settle, for a career or a man, and you are happier. But I think we will find love. I've been going to these interviews and even though they are all like 21 and won't help you with your suitcase on the stairs, the guys are all tall and handsome .