Re-write Personal Essay?

[Ajay]

Hi guys. I'd really appreciate some suggestions regarding my personal statement.

My last essay focussed largely on my research work and volunteer experience. One third of my essay was geared towards my family life and how personal experiences have led to my pursuing a career in Medicine. Basically, I've had a number of deaths in my family over the years and I have consequently endeavored to help others. My brother is a med. student in the school I'm applying to, so I'm wondering whether I should talk about my support structure; I didn't do this last time around.

Moreover, I'm wondering whether 3-4 lines from a poem would be a good way to open the essay. I can discuss my familial experiences from there followed by a discussion of my volunteer experience. I could then move onto a discussion about the support structure I have through my brother as well as the doctor I'm working for right now.

By the way, the poetry wouldn't come across as corny, would it?

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[safrat]

well, when it comes to talking about something serious like death in the family, I think not? Matter of fact, most people have poems or sayings that signify their life or helps them go through it. Mentioning it would just be a step closer for you to show who you are to the committee.