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This is the long story. See my next post to get to the point.
Life was good. I finished med school and completed a round of great interviews. I had even gotten confident remarks for matching at a program that I would have loved to stay and work for after residency. I was so thrilled about becoming a psychiatrist that I read the whole of 11th edition of Psychiatry Lecture Notes since graduation and excitingly awaiting for my copy of Kaplan and Sadock i purchased. Yes, I know I should be studying for step3 but this is my time off and I want to use this time reading psychiatry. I earned it. Not to sound manic, delusional, or cranked up on stimulants-which im not-but there was no way that things could have been better.
But then this happened..
A few weeks ago my dad was hospitalized. The doctor showed up on day 1 to explain why my dad was ill and what the treatment plan was. He was using words like ESR, increased blood cell count. My mother kept on asking what each thing meant. It was easy to tell that the physician was frustrated by these simple questions. The next day the same doctor came in and before he could say a word my mom told him to talk to her son who recently finished med school. He turned to me and asked what residency I was in. I shyly but proudly stated that I interviewed in psychiatry and would find out in March which program. This freeking doctor turned to my family and said exactly – Psychiatry is not a medical field so he will not understand what Im talking about any more than you will.
I’m not new to the whole “Psychiatrist are not real doctors” but it has never ever bothered me. I didn’t care. But for this doctor to say that and in front of my family was rude! I spent the next few days with a very odd feeling of shame. At least that’s the best way I can explain it. I overcame the shame by going over my notes from psych and came to an understanding that this doctor is from a different culture or was having a nugget of a day as we sometimes all do. I was happy and confident again. The night before my ROL deadline, I brought up to my family that I was excited about my ROL. My mother then asked if I was still planning to work as a psychOLOGIST or get a doctor residency. I explained the difference between the two and that psychIATRIST are doctors. They acted as they got the idea that psychiatrist are real physicians but I could tell they did not buy it. My mother ended up telling me that night - THE VERY NIGHT BEFORE ROL Deadline – about all their sacrifices they made to put me through school and then she ended with – I want you to be happy even if that means you still decide to not be a doctor.
Yesterday –ROL cert deadline- I woke up so depressed that my parents didn’t understand but I knew that one day they would come around and in a few months I would be an awesome psychiatry resident. I was still feeling very depressed though and very sick. I vomited a few time right after waking up then out of nowhere, I felt this big cloud of guilt over me. Almost like a panic attack. This never happened to me before. I kept on thinking about how my parents are in poor health and I began to think about how selfish I had been. They have sacrificed so much and worked so hard to put me through med school. How my mom was bragging about how I graduated from medical school and her son was a doctor. I kept on dosing off and each time I did- I would see her eyes filled with sadness when this prick doctor told her I wasn’t a medical doctor. One of the nightmares I had that day was of my mom’s funeral and on her coffin was an empty diploma frame. I asked why it was empty and the funeral director (who was the same stupid doctor) laughed saying it was because her son never became doctor she would still be living if she had a real doctor for a son.
I woke up from this nightmare and saw I had about 4 hours to change my ROL. I don’t know where I got the insane idea but I logged in NRMP, placed one IM program as #1 and decided that I would let fate decide. If I get into psychiatry then it would not be me but fate that would break my moms heart. I went to vomit some more and went back to bed. I had nothing in me to do anything else.
It was not until about 8pm later that day that I woke up to vomit again. Returning from the bathroom I could not tell if changing my ROL was a nightmare or a reality. I logged on and noted XProgram-IM as my #1 position.
My heart dropped. This was also the institution where I did my clerkship. The same program where I was told that I would surly match if I decided it was the right place for me. I am to surely match there if I don’t intervene. The only question is, should I?
-If I intervene will I always have this guilt of not being a physician in my parent’s eyes?
-If I don’t intervene will I be happy doing something good when I know I could be doing something great for myself and patients?
By intervening, I mean calling the IM program and asking the PD to withdraw me from his rank list.
I know what your thinking - why did I even bother to interview at an IM program if I had my heart set on psychiatry?
–I interviewed at a few IM places as a back up. I figured IM spots would be last on my list and if I got in then its because I still have to prove myself to be a worthy psychiatry applicant. I would reapply with a much more polished edge. BUT NOW if I do match in IM and these other places ranked me high, then surely they are going to see that I ranked IM over Psych and question my interest when I reapply.
So my question is as follows.
1. Has anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it?
2. If you have never been in my situation I would still like any pointers, any advice that you have learned from life that would put my mind to ease. Thanks.
Life was good. I finished med school and completed a round of great interviews. I had even gotten confident remarks for matching at a program that I would have loved to stay and work for after residency. I was so thrilled about becoming a psychiatrist that I read the whole of 11th edition of Psychiatry Lecture Notes since graduation and excitingly awaiting for my copy of Kaplan and Sadock i purchased. Yes, I know I should be studying for step3 but this is my time off and I want to use this time reading psychiatry. I earned it. Not to sound manic, delusional, or cranked up on stimulants-which im not-but there was no way that things could have been better.
But then this happened..
A few weeks ago my dad was hospitalized. The doctor showed up on day 1 to explain why my dad was ill and what the treatment plan was. He was using words like ESR, increased blood cell count. My mother kept on asking what each thing meant. It was easy to tell that the physician was frustrated by these simple questions. The next day the same doctor came in and before he could say a word my mom told him to talk to her son who recently finished med school. He turned to me and asked what residency I was in. I shyly but proudly stated that I interviewed in psychiatry and would find out in March which program. This freeking doctor turned to my family and said exactly – Psychiatry is not a medical field so he will not understand what Im talking about any more than you will.
I’m not new to the whole “Psychiatrist are not real doctors” but it has never ever bothered me. I didn’t care. But for this doctor to say that and in front of my family was rude! I spent the next few days with a very odd feeling of shame. At least that’s the best way I can explain it. I overcame the shame by going over my notes from psych and came to an understanding that this doctor is from a different culture or was having a nugget of a day as we sometimes all do. I was happy and confident again. The night before my ROL deadline, I brought up to my family that I was excited about my ROL. My mother then asked if I was still planning to work as a psychOLOGIST or get a doctor residency. I explained the difference between the two and that psychIATRIST are doctors. They acted as they got the idea that psychiatrist are real physicians but I could tell they did not buy it. My mother ended up telling me that night - THE VERY NIGHT BEFORE ROL Deadline – about all their sacrifices they made to put me through school and then she ended with – I want you to be happy even if that means you still decide to not be a doctor.
Yesterday –ROL cert deadline- I woke up so depressed that my parents didn’t understand but I knew that one day they would come around and in a few months I would be an awesome psychiatry resident. I was still feeling very depressed though and very sick. I vomited a few time right after waking up then out of nowhere, I felt this big cloud of guilt over me. Almost like a panic attack. This never happened to me before. I kept on thinking about how my parents are in poor health and I began to think about how selfish I had been. They have sacrificed so much and worked so hard to put me through med school. How my mom was bragging about how I graduated from medical school and her son was a doctor. I kept on dosing off and each time I did- I would see her eyes filled with sadness when this prick doctor told her I wasn’t a medical doctor. One of the nightmares I had that day was of my mom’s funeral and on her coffin was an empty diploma frame. I asked why it was empty and the funeral director (who was the same stupid doctor) laughed saying it was because her son never became doctor she would still be living if she had a real doctor for a son.
I woke up from this nightmare and saw I had about 4 hours to change my ROL. I don’t know where I got the insane idea but I logged in NRMP, placed one IM program as #1 and decided that I would let fate decide. If I get into psychiatry then it would not be me but fate that would break my moms heart. I went to vomit some more and went back to bed. I had nothing in me to do anything else.
It was not until about 8pm later that day that I woke up to vomit again. Returning from the bathroom I could not tell if changing my ROL was a nightmare or a reality. I logged on and noted XProgram-IM as my #1 position.
My heart dropped. This was also the institution where I did my clerkship. The same program where I was told that I would surly match if I decided it was the right place for me. I am to surely match there if I don’t intervene. The only question is, should I?
-If I intervene will I always have this guilt of not being a physician in my parent’s eyes?
-If I don’t intervene will I be happy doing something good when I know I could be doing something great for myself and patients?
By intervening, I mean calling the IM program and asking the PD to withdraw me from his rank list.
I know what your thinking - why did I even bother to interview at an IM program if I had my heart set on psychiatry?
–I interviewed at a few IM places as a back up. I figured IM spots would be last on my list and if I got in then its because I still have to prove myself to be a worthy psychiatry applicant. I would reapply with a much more polished edge. BUT NOW if I do match in IM and these other places ranked me high, then surely they are going to see that I ranked IM over Psych and question my interest when I reapply.
So my question is as follows.
1. Has anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it?
2. If you have never been in my situation I would still like any pointers, any advice that you have learned from life that would put my mind to ease. Thanks.
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