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- Thread starter Jamr0ckin
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Ditto!
And specifically to the married vet students- any hints on how to control the Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde thing that is (unwillingly) now me. Besides lithium.
And specifically to the married vet students- any hints on how to control the Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde thing that is (unwillingly) now me. Besides lithium.
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You have to make time for each other. Even if you have to literally pencil it into your schedule, spend time with each other. Also, know (and accept) that you will fight. If you are like me and my husband, it will be a lot. He is so supportive but we have our moments. And do nice things for each other.
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I am definitely a veteran of this battle.
First semester of vet school was one of the lowlights of my life in many ways, and my behavior was clearly a major contributing factor. I think I discussed it previously in the "don't make the same mistakes as me" thread.
I wish I had some brilliant advice to give, but all I can say is that step 1 was being aware of my moodiness and step 2 was acceptance without judgment of both my actions and the uncomfortable situation I was in, and that it was ok to be struggling in various ways.
If you are having trouble handling the various stresses of school, that is the first issue to try to resolve, but try to be aware of your own behavior, not to be critical of it, just to recognize if for what it is.
Again, I don't think there are any easy answers..
It certainly got better for me (sort of ... kind of).
Good luck.
If you have specific questions you can PM me. You might want to read my old thread it might have some worthwhile insight.
First semester of vet school was one of the lowlights of my life in many ways, and my behavior was clearly a major contributing factor. I think I discussed it previously in the "don't make the same mistakes as me" thread.
I wish I had some brilliant advice to give, but all I can say is that step 1 was being aware of my moodiness and step 2 was acceptance without judgment of both my actions and the uncomfortable situation I was in, and that it was ok to be struggling in various ways.
If you are having trouble handling the various stresses of school, that is the first issue to try to resolve, but try to be aware of your own behavior, not to be critical of it, just to recognize if for what it is.
Again, I don't think there are any easy answers..
It certainly got better for me (sort of ... kind of).
Good luck.
If you have specific questions you can PM me. You might want to read my old thread it might have some worthwhile insight.
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Definitely make time for each other. I may not have gone to as many parties as some of my classmates, but I think our relationship lasted because I was willing to come home and eat dinner with him instead of getting drunk.
I also included him in my studying when he wanted. and made study breaks to spend with him. I think when he saw the sheer amount of material I was studying (when he quizzed me), he was less likely to be annoyed by the fact that I needed to study all the time.
I also have to say my grades probably suffered because of our relationship. But I can tell you I don't regret that (suck on that 1st year anatomy professor who "hinted" that I should break off my engagement because I was too distracted by my now husband).
I also included him in my studying when he wanted. and made study breaks to spend with him. I think when he saw the sheer amount of material I was studying (when he quizzed me), he was less likely to be annoyed by the fact that I needed to study all the time.
I also have to say my grades probably suffered because of our relationship. But I can tell you I don't regret that (suck on that 1st year anatomy professor who "hinted" that I should break off my engagement because I was too distracted by my now husband).
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Have a day of the week that you always spend together.
Talk to him about your day. Let him talk to you about his.
Stop studying, emerge from the cave, and do a silly dance. Go get ice cream. Take 30 minutes - it'll be good for you to have a break and good for him to see you.
Have him quiz you. That way he can realize a: how hard the crap is, and b: why it takes so much time. Plus it's spending time, and it helps you learn.
Communicate! Nicely! Don't yell. Try really hard not to yell.
Hm. I dunno what else. Don't be afraid to seek outside help if you need it! No shame in that.
Talk to him about your day. Let him talk to you about his.
Stop studying, emerge from the cave, and do a silly dance. Go get ice cream. Take 30 minutes - it'll be good for you to have a break and good for him to see you.
Have him quiz you. That way he can realize a: how hard the crap is, and b: why it takes so much time. Plus it's spending time, and it helps you learn.
Communicate! Nicely! Don't yell. Try really hard not to yell.
Hm. I dunno what else. Don't be afraid to seek outside help if you need it! No shame in that.
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This thread is a super idea. I'm still in the fledgling phase of a relationship (about 6 months) and vet school does make it hard. He's pretty good about giving me the time and space that I need to get my work done, but we definitely have our share of problems. The distance is hard and I don't even live that far away from home, but Philly traffic and studying mean I don't see him as often as I wish I could. I guess we'll see how things progress!
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I'm not a vet student yet, but I can tell you what has helped me avoid a lot of problems with my long-term SO (5 years next month) while we were both really busy: If you're having a hard time explaining something/bringing something up/communicating without yelling or getting angry, put it in on paper or in an email and send it to your SO.
I've found this helps me communicate more clearly, and even more important for us, it means we can go back and see exactly what we both said, because it's in writing. This is especially useful if one of us forgets something the other one said was annoying or upsetting. We can go back and check, apologize for forgetting, and it doesn't become an issue.
Not sure how useful this will be when I'm in vet school and my SO is in a PhD program, but we'll see.
Good luck, OP! You can do it!
I've found this helps me communicate more clearly, and even more important for us, it means we can go back and see exactly what we both said, because it's in writing. This is especially useful if one of us forgets something the other one said was annoying or upsetting. We can go back and check, apologize for forgetting, and it doesn't become an issue.
Not sure how useful this will be when I'm in vet school and my SO is in a PhD program, but we'll see.
Good luck, OP! You can do it!
Technically we just got married a few months ago, but we have lived together for several years.
I agree that if you have to, penciling in some to spend together works wonders. My husband was pretty bummed when he learned this week that I was scheduled to work in the equine ICU on Saturday, the one day his parents will be in the area. As much as it sucked to do it because of the three tests next week, I switched shifts and am now working the seven hours on Sunday so I can spend time on Saturday with his family. I know for a fact my studying is going to be impacted, but there is a lot to be said for the complete change in attitude that I saw. With him being a 3rd year medical student in the middle of a gyn-onc rotation, we aren't getting a lot of time together anyway, so it was all the more important for our relationship that I do that. He makes sacrifices just as often.
Other than that, we probably do a lot of stuff "wrong" but it works for us. We tend to let things slide easily, we hardly ever go anywhere or eat dinner together, the majority of time that we spend together is spent studying or sleeping, etc. I'm not a very clingy person and neither is he really, so it works. I can see how we will probably have to change things in the future, but for right now, we are making it work.
I agree that if you have to, penciling in some to spend together works wonders. My husband was pretty bummed when he learned this week that I was scheduled to work in the equine ICU on Saturday, the one day his parents will be in the area. As much as it sucked to do it because of the three tests next week, I switched shifts and am now working the seven hours on Sunday so I can spend time on Saturday with his family. I know for a fact my studying is going to be impacted, but there is a lot to be said for the complete change in attitude that I saw. With him being a 3rd year medical student in the middle of a gyn-onc rotation, we aren't getting a lot of time together anyway, so it was all the more important for our relationship that I do that. He makes sacrifices just as often.
Other than that, we probably do a lot of stuff "wrong" but it works for us. We tend to let things slide easily, we hardly ever go anywhere or eat dinner together, the majority of time that we spend together is spent studying or sleeping, etc. I'm not a very clingy person and neither is he really, so it works. I can see how we will probably have to change things in the future, but for right now, we are making it work.
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My life lesson from vet school: BE INTENTIONAL!
If you're having problems, don't be afraid to sit down and talk through them. What helped me and mine was also to start each discussion with a mutual agreement to not get angry. We can say ANYTHING and the other person has a right to respond with what they are feeling, but true anger isn't allowed. No yelling, hot words, or impulsive responses. This helped cut down on a lot of 'heat of the moment' arguments and hateful words.
Another big thing for us, I let him know when school started that if it was a relationship issue that needed my attention, it trumped whatever I was doing. Period end of discussion. Because i'm always willing to take a few minutes, he hasn't felt neglected when he honestly needed me emotionally. And I also made sure that he knew that I would rather take a year off to keep our relationship straight than end up divorced. Just knowing that he is more important to me than vet school seems to have headed off a lot of the resentment over how time consuming it is.
I'm going to second recognizing your emotions, and taking them for what they are. It's not impossible to be stressed as hell, recognize it, and then decide to still be civil to your SO. in fact, sometimes they can be good at helping get around it. I can walk in, tell hubs 'I'm feeling stressed and bitchy today', and he will take the time to help me feel better instead of being mad because I'm in a bad mood. It also gives him a heads up to take anything I say or do with a grain of salt.
And last, find stupid ways to spend time together. We go to the grocery together every week because it has to be done, and it's an hour or so where we can talk to each other while we walk around.
If you're having problems, don't be afraid to sit down and talk through them. What helped me and mine was also to start each discussion with a mutual agreement to not get angry. We can say ANYTHING and the other person has a right to respond with what they are feeling, but true anger isn't allowed. No yelling, hot words, or impulsive responses. This helped cut down on a lot of 'heat of the moment' arguments and hateful words.
Another big thing for us, I let him know when school started that if it was a relationship issue that needed my attention, it trumped whatever I was doing. Period end of discussion. Because i'm always willing to take a few minutes, he hasn't felt neglected when he honestly needed me emotionally. And I also made sure that he knew that I would rather take a year off to keep our relationship straight than end up divorced. Just knowing that he is more important to me than vet school seems to have headed off a lot of the resentment over how time consuming it is.
I'm going to second recognizing your emotions, and taking them for what they are. It's not impossible to be stressed as hell, recognize it, and then decide to still be civil to your SO. in fact, sometimes they can be good at helping get around it. I can walk in, tell hubs 'I'm feeling stressed and bitchy today', and he will take the time to help me feel better instead of being mad because I'm in a bad mood. It also gives him a heads up to take anything I say or do with a grain of salt.
And last, find stupid ways to spend time together. We go to the grocery together every week because it has to be done, and it's an hour or so where we can talk to each other while we walk around.
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My husband and I have been together 8.5 years and married over 4 years. I started vet school one year after we got married and we've lived apart the entire time I've been in vet school. We're a six hour drive apart, so my advice is more geared toward making it work while being long distance.
The most important word I have is Skype. Get it, use it. There really is a difference between talking on the phone and being able to see someone's face while you talk. Huge difference. Every time I get to see his smile I'm reminded just how much I love him and how lucky I am. Also, don't forget the small things. A card for no reason, a picture or text in the middle of the day, etc. Small things can have a large impact. Another big one is try to never say goodbye without having the next time you'll see each other planned. It makes it a lot easier to say goodbye.
A lot of the advice above about realizing that you're extremely stressed and making a conscious effort to not take it out on your SO is really great. It's hard to keep in check sometimes, because for most people it's natural to take it out on those we trust the most. But it's only hurtful to your SO and harmful to your relationship.
All that being said, if there are any weaknesses in the key components of the relationship (trust, communication, etc.), fix them before you start vet school. Not to be pessimistic, but otherwise the relationship is likely to crumble. Likewise for if you have an SO who isn't completely and totally supportive of you going to vet school.
I've gotta run, but if anyone wants/needs advice, feel free to PM me. I've been through over three years of a long distance marriage and our relationship is stronger than ever, so we're doing something right 😉
The most important word I have is Skype. Get it, use it. There really is a difference between talking on the phone and being able to see someone's face while you talk. Huge difference. Every time I get to see his smile I'm reminded just how much I love him and how lucky I am. Also, don't forget the small things. A card for no reason, a picture or text in the middle of the day, etc. Small things can have a large impact. Another big one is try to never say goodbye without having the next time you'll see each other planned. It makes it a lot easier to say goodbye.
A lot of the advice above about realizing that you're extremely stressed and making a conscious effort to not take it out on your SO is really great. It's hard to keep in check sometimes, because for most people it's natural to take it out on those we trust the most. But it's only hurtful to your SO and harmful to your relationship.
All that being said, if there are any weaknesses in the key components of the relationship (trust, communication, etc.), fix them before you start vet school. Not to be pessimistic, but otherwise the relationship is likely to crumble. Likewise for if you have an SO who isn't completely and totally supportive of you going to vet school.
I've gotta run, but if anyone wants/needs advice, feel free to PM me. I've been through over three years of a long distance marriage and our relationship is stronger than ever, so we're doing something right 😉
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Not that I've been at it all that long, but...
It's been a hard first month! Phew. Luckily my wonderful husband has taken to cooking dinner for us (almost) every night. Usually I'm a big fancy chef. I love to cook. It's definitely a de-stressor, but with the time (thought and preparation) that I like to put into recipes, it's not as calming as it has been in the past. I'm very thankful he is being so supportive and is taking the brunt of the cooking!
We have an office, but I've taken to studying at the kitchen table so we can see each other when we cross into/out of the kitchen. I feel like I see him a little more this way. Dunno how he feels about it, though. 😉 Of course, there are days I stay at the school to study, too. Win some, lose some, I guess.
I've gotten super stressed about studying and the freaking course load once or twice, and maybe possibly sortof blown up a little bit. But he's helped to defuse my anger. I always spend dinner with him (unless I've stayed at the school and he's too Starvin' Marvin to wait up for me). I take little breaks and come in and talk to him. When he gets home we talk about our days.
Being married in vet school is (in my opinion) very very different from being in a committed long-term relationship. I don't like going to social events often without my husband, so often I skip out on them, like Dyachei said. (I'm too dang old to go out and get drunk in the middle of a week when we have a looming test on the horizon, anyway!) One girl in my class has been dating a guy for like 5 years, but she's always willing to go out after class, go do dinner, out for someone's birthday, or out for drinks. Another girl doesn't live with her long-term boyfriend of 9 years, and just completely left him out of the equation for a week and a half because she "was too busy studying." You can't just leave your marriage to the elements, like that. It takes time, commitment, sacrifices.
Please don't take this as saying, anything bad about non-married relationships; I'm just saying you can afford to leave a lot more to chance when it's not written in stone. Once you're in a marriage, it has to come first; you can't be as selfish as vet school makes you want to be in order to make top grades.
Hope this is helpful for someone...I may be rambling due to late-night studying and lack of caffeine. lol
This thread is a great idea, by the way. It's wonderful seeing everyone's take on how to 'survive.' Keep it going!
It's been a hard first month! Phew. Luckily my wonderful husband has taken to cooking dinner for us (almost) every night. Usually I'm a big fancy chef. I love to cook. It's definitely a de-stressor, but with the time (thought and preparation) that I like to put into recipes, it's not as calming as it has been in the past. I'm very thankful he is being so supportive and is taking the brunt of the cooking!
We have an office, but I've taken to studying at the kitchen table so we can see each other when we cross into/out of the kitchen. I feel like I see him a little more this way. Dunno how he feels about it, though. 😉 Of course, there are days I stay at the school to study, too. Win some, lose some, I guess.
I've gotten super stressed about studying and the freaking course load once or twice, and maybe possibly sortof blown up a little bit. But he's helped to defuse my anger. I always spend dinner with him (unless I've stayed at the school and he's too Starvin' Marvin to wait up for me). I take little breaks and come in and talk to him. When he gets home we talk about our days.
Being married in vet school is (in my opinion) very very different from being in a committed long-term relationship. I don't like going to social events often without my husband, so often I skip out on them, like Dyachei said. (I'm too dang old to go out and get drunk in the middle of a week when we have a looming test on the horizon, anyway!) One girl in my class has been dating a guy for like 5 years, but she's always willing to go out after class, go do dinner, out for someone's birthday, or out for drinks. Another girl doesn't live with her long-term boyfriend of 9 years, and just completely left him out of the equation for a week and a half because she "was too busy studying." You can't just leave your marriage to the elements, like that. It takes time, commitment, sacrifices.
Please don't take this as saying, anything bad about non-married relationships; I'm just saying you can afford to leave a lot more to chance when it's not written in stone. Once you're in a marriage, it has to come first; you can't be as selfish as vet school makes you want to be in order to make top grades.
Hope this is helpful for someone...I may be rambling due to late-night studying and lack of caffeine. lol
This thread is a great idea, by the way. It's wonderful seeing everyone's take on how to 'survive.' Keep it going!
I've only been married a few months, but my best advice (to add to what's been given already) is to let him know your schedule ahead of time. Let him know when to expect you home, and if you'll have any time to take a quick break with him. He may be disappointed that he doesn't have more time to spend with you, but that way he can look forward to the times he can rather than wondering if he's been forgotten (I guess this advice is more for if you are living together).
Also, find some ways to get him involved in stuff you are doing, so he can join in with you. Are you a member of a club that does a lot of dinner lectures? Invite him! He'll get a chance to learn more about what you love, and guys generally don't say no to free food. Wake up early before classes one morning and surprise him by making breakfast before he goes to work. Pack a little note in his lunch. When you *do* have a break, thank him the best way you can for being your supportive scratching post during the insanity of classes.
Also, find some ways to get him involved in stuff you are doing, so he can join in with you. Are you a member of a club that does a lot of dinner lectures? Invite him! He'll get a chance to learn more about what you love, and guys generally don't say no to free food. Wake up early before classes one morning and surprise him by making breakfast before he goes to work. Pack a little note in his lunch. When you *do* have a break, thank him the best way you can for being your supportive scratching post during the insanity of classes.
I agree to an extent, but it really depends on the marriage. I do still go out and do things after class, but this also has to do with my husband's schedule. A lot of the time, I wouldn't see him anyway. If he had an 8 to 5, I would certainly not do those things as often, but just as I need random nights with him, I need random nights with my friends. We do make an effort to spend time with each others' friends, but we have always done that.
There are times where we just shut up and study. Not for weeks at a time, but we can both tell when the other is trying to get work done, so it turns into a several-hour-quiet time. If it's what you have to do, you have to do it.
Maybe we have a unique situation with us both being medical students
Like jjohnston, my husband and I were long distance while I was in vet school. I was lucky enough to be able to drive home on the weekends. Going home every weekend initially affected my social life but I eventually found like-minded people who are my best friends today. 🙂
We made it a point to talk every morning and night, and to text throughout the day.I studied as much as I could during the week so that I could take Friday or Saturday night off while I was home. I also started putting my exam schedule on our calendar so he could see how many exams I had the next week and had some idea of how much free time I would have on the weekend. We also tried to plan a weekend away once a semester where there was no studying allowed. My husband would run errands with me so we could have a couple of hours together too. He never quizzed me (I loathe being quizzed) but he looked over some of the material I was studying. That helped him to understand why I needed to study so much.
Like dyachei, my grades also took a bit of hit because I decided relationship time was much more important than studying time. I was a big fan of C=DVM. In the end, everything worked out as I realized I didn't want an internship and my grades only came up in 1 job interview (where I didn't want to work anyways). Vet school is a challenge for relationships but it can be done with a bit of creativity and communication - I feel that we can survive anything if we survived vet school 😉. Good luck!
We made it a point to talk every morning and night, and to text throughout the day.I studied as much as I could during the week so that I could take Friday or Saturday night off while I was home. I also started putting my exam schedule on our calendar so he could see how many exams I had the next week and had some idea of how much free time I would have on the weekend. We also tried to plan a weekend away once a semester where there was no studying allowed. My husband would run errands with me so we could have a couple of hours together too. He never quizzed me (I loathe being quizzed) but he looked over some of the material I was studying. That helped him to understand why I needed to study so much.
Like dyachei, my grades also took a bit of hit because I decided relationship time was much more important than studying time. I was a big fan of C=DVM. In the end, everything worked out as I realized I didn't want an internship and my grades only came up in 1 job interview (where I didn't want to work anyways). Vet school is a challenge for relationships but it can be done with a bit of creativity and communication - I feel that we can survive anything if we survived vet school 😉. Good luck!
Thank you all so much. The bf and I have been together for a little over a year. We moved in together in June. Things were really good before school started. I warned him multiple times that my free time would be greatly diminished, but that he was very important and I'd make time for him. We still eat dinner together for the most part. We've gone out for date night on weekends and played board games (his favorite pastime) and rented movies during the week. I've not gone out at all to any of the vet school functions because he's not been able to go or didn't want to go.
So, I feel I'm trying. But he doesn't. If he can't get a full hour for games, he refuses to play with me. But sometimes, after dinner, laundry, and taking care of the dogs, there is only 30 minutes left unless I just blow off studying all together.
He's financially supporting me and is very confident in my ability to do this. So confident he doesn't think I need to study as much as I do. He critiques my study habits, which just makes me upset and defensive. Because he can't see my vet school Facebook group, he assumes every time I'm on Facebook I'm wasting time, when I'm actually helping classmates and getting help. He is lonely because his 2 best friends besides me are oos, so its not like he can go have guys night when I'm cramming for a test.
He is the love of my life, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He knows this, and I know he feels the same way about me. I just want to come out on the other side with a DVM and him by my side. I just feel like I'm losing him slowly because of all the stress and our limited time together.
🙁🙁🙁
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So, I feel I'm trying. But he doesn't. If he can't get a full hour for games, he refuses to play with me. But sometimes, after dinner, laundry, and taking care of the dogs, there is only 30 minutes left unless I just blow off studying all together.
He's financially supporting me and is very confident in my ability to do this. So confident he doesn't think I need to study as much as I do. He critiques my study habits, which just makes me upset and defensive. Because he can't see my vet school Facebook group, he assumes every time I'm on Facebook I'm wasting time, when I'm actually helping classmates and getting help. He is lonely because his 2 best friends besides me are oos, so its not like he can go have guys night when I'm cramming for a test.
He is the love of my life, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He knows this, and I know he feels the same way about me. I just want to come out on the other side with a DVM and him by my side. I just feel like I'm losing him slowly because of all the stress and our limited time together.
🙁🙁🙁
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And don't think that just because you are in a relationship/married that you can't go out to vet school functions and parties. Take your SO with you! It's a great way to spend time together and for him to get to know the people you spend most of your time with. My husband has made quite a few friends with either my classmates or my classmates' significant others from hanging out with them at parties, BBQs, etc.
Jamr0ckin, I'm sorry - that is frustrating. My husband was pretty much the same way when I started vet school, so I understand how you're feeling. One night I was studying anatomy (my arch-nemesis) and he told me that he "didn't understand why I needed to study so much, vet school should be easy for me because I had worked full-time and went to school full-time and still got As". Well, I threw my anatomy coursepack on the floor; told him that if it was so easy, then why doesn't he do it; and stomped off to the bedroom where I promptly burst into tears. Not my proudest moment. But, he looked at my anatomy coursepack and saw 5 pages of terms (front and back) that I had to know, locate, and explain action, origin, and insertion on multiple cadavers for one exam and finally began to understand why I needed to study so much. I think it's very difficult for someone who's never sat in a vet school class to understand the volume of material that is presented each day and how much studying you really need to do to keep up with the material.
Try showing him what you're studying and your notes from the day to help him understand the sheer volume of information you get each day. Have him quiz you, if quizzing works for you (quizzing just made me more frustrated). At the beginning of each week, go over your exam schedule together and set up a board game night (or two, if you feel you can swing it that week) - it will give both of you something to look forward to. Try splitting the evening duties - if he cooks and does a load of laundry and you can get an extra 30-60 minutes of studying, can you squeeze in some extra time with him? If someone puts dinner in the CrockPot in the morning, will that free up some quality time in the evening?
Starting vet school is a huge transition for you and for your bf. Don't forget to take care of yourself too - 15 minutes of exercise can do wonders. Good luck!
Try showing him what you're studying and your notes from the day to help him understand the sheer volume of information you get each day. Have him quiz you, if quizzing works for you (quizzing just made me more frustrated). At the beginning of each week, go over your exam schedule together and set up a board game night (or two, if you feel you can swing it that week) - it will give both of you something to look forward to. Try splitting the evening duties - if he cooks and does a load of laundry and you can get an extra 30-60 minutes of studying, can you squeeze in some extra time with him? If someone puts dinner in the CrockPot in the morning, will that free up some quality time in the evening?
Starting vet school is a huge transition for you and for your bf. Don't forget to take care of yourself too - 15 minutes of exercise can do wonders. Good luck!
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It sounds like you 2 need to sit down and talk about expectations. So he doesn't know about the Facebook group - show him and explain to him. I would also explain to him about the volume of material. When my hubby saw my test schedule, it made a lot more sense to him. I used to leave a class schedule out for him do he could see what was going on. Maybe after you've talked about your study needs you can ask him what he needs from you and you both can compromise and schedule. Maybe you only play games every other night but you commit to an hour. There are get school trivia cards out there. Maybe if there are trivia questions in a game you get those and he gets the regular cards.
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Also, if you can find the time for it....I highly recommend checking out the book 'The Five Love Languages'. The hubs and I read through it last year and figured out that we weren't doing things for each other in a way that was fulfilling to the other person. It kicked off a brain storming session on what we could do to make the other person feel more loved even if we only had a short amount of time to do it with.
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I feel like there's a negative stigma associated with marriage counseling but it's great! My husband and I went and it helped us both tremendously with communication. The communication skills I learned have flowed over into other relationships in my life (with family, co-workers, etc).
Highly recommend to everyone in a relationship, even if the relationship is "perfect".
Highly recommend to everyone in a relationship, even if the relationship is "perfect".
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Sorry, I haven't read the rest of the page yet(lots of reading!), but is there a Facebook group for the SO's of vet students? If not, maybe set one up. That way, a few could get together when it's major study time and he wouldn't feel 'left out', with his guy friends being oos. Or they could complain on there and get it all out and not be as mad at you. 😉
I think you need to drag him to a function.(when he's in the 'I don't want to' mood) He may be surprised how much fun he has, and he may meet some new found friends that can occupy his time when you are studying. They could have game nights/guys nights out. Win/win
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We'd been dating for six years (local) and then became long distance when I came to Canada for vet school. We made it through our first year a lot easier than I had expected, although it wasn't easy. We saw each other every 6wks or so and then I had all summer back home seeing him every weekend. We got engaged in June 🙂 This year has been easier without him up here mostly because I already know the drill and have friends.
We talk every night on the phone, and try to Facetime frequently. I think this is almost easier in a LD relationship because local people see their SO every day and maybe they don't take the time to have an actual conversation, not just, "Hey, what's for dinner?" It's also easier because I don't have to feel bad about not spending time with him vs studying; when he comes up to visit, I don't study at all and spend all of that time with him. On the other hand, I miss having him physically with me and all of the silly stuff that comes along with it like going to do fun things, cooking for him, watching football together, etc. I usually feel a bit guilty going out late with friends because I don't want him to think that I'm "having fun without him" but he doesn't feel this way at all; he's got friends back home that he hangs out with. I think it's important that we each have our own things going on.
Jamrockin, maybe you could encourage him to find some local friends? I say from experience that it's a lot harder to settle into a new place if you don't know anyone. Maybe designate a night where you don't study and hang out with him instead, like TT mentioned.
We talk every night on the phone, and try to Facetime frequently. I think this is almost easier in a LD relationship because local people see their SO every day and maybe they don't take the time to have an actual conversation, not just, "Hey, what's for dinner?" It's also easier because I don't have to feel bad about not spending time with him vs studying; when he comes up to visit, I don't study at all and spend all of that time with him. On the other hand, I miss having him physically with me and all of the silly stuff that comes along with it like going to do fun things, cooking for him, watching football together, etc. I usually feel a bit guilty going out late with friends because I don't want him to think that I'm "having fun without him" but he doesn't feel this way at all; he's got friends back home that he hangs out with. I think it's important that we each have our own things going on.
Jamrockin, maybe you could encourage him to find some local friends? I say from experience that it's a lot harder to settle into a new place if you don't know anyone. Maybe designate a night where you don't study and hang out with him instead, like TT mentioned.
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There is some really excellent advice on this thread.
My hubby and I had been together for 11 years when I left for vet school, married for 6 years. I think that as a vet student, regardless of where your SO is living, it is much like being in a LD relationship. Your study time and down time with fellow vet students is EXTREMELY important. Regardless of how supportive a SO might be, vet students need other vet students to lean on. What makes it so difficult is when your SO is living under the same roof as you and for them they expect things to be like they were before.
One of the most important things for me and my husband is scheduling times to skype or just talk on the phone. He works long hours and the time difference makes it difficult. But having a clear cut time when we are going to "get together" is important. I think that can translate to a non-LD relationship. It also gives you both something to look forward to.
All of these things boil down to communication though. I think the "What do you want from me?" conversation is really important. What do each of you expect from each other? Another poster mentioned this, but writing things down is really good - it helps to focus your thoughts and if something makes you upset, writing it down takes some of the edge off for when you share it. If you both come up with a list of things you expect from each other over the next year, or even the next semester you will get a better idea of what he really wants and he can see what you want. Then you can compare lists and see where you can make some compromises so both of you can be content - it is doubtful you will both be happy since there are only so many hours in the day.
Finally, it's good to remind yourselves that this is NOT forever. Vet school is a finite amount of time. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. When hubby and I saw how fast the first year of vet school went, we realized that this is not the end of the world. We can do this.
My hubby and I had been together for 11 years when I left for vet school, married for 6 years. I think that as a vet student, regardless of where your SO is living, it is much like being in a LD relationship. Your study time and down time with fellow vet students is EXTREMELY important. Regardless of how supportive a SO might be, vet students need other vet students to lean on. What makes it so difficult is when your SO is living under the same roof as you and for them they expect things to be like they were before.
One of the most important things for me and my husband is scheduling times to skype or just talk on the phone. He works long hours and the time difference makes it difficult. But having a clear cut time when we are going to "get together" is important. I think that can translate to a non-LD relationship. It also gives you both something to look forward to.
All of these things boil down to communication though. I think the "What do you want from me?" conversation is really important. What do each of you expect from each other? Another poster mentioned this, but writing things down is really good - it helps to focus your thoughts and if something makes you upset, writing it down takes some of the edge off for when you share it. If you both come up with a list of things you expect from each other over the next year, or even the next semester you will get a better idea of what he really wants and he can see what you want. Then you can compare lists and see where you can make some compromises so both of you can be content - it is doubtful you will both be happy since there are only so many hours in the day.
Finally, it's good to remind yourselves that this is NOT forever. Vet school is a finite amount of time. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. When hubby and I saw how fast the first year of vet school went, we realized that this is not the end of the world. We can do this.
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A lot of threads like this make me remember why I am 100% resistant to the entire idea of marriage. Luckily, dating a guy who agrees with me on that. 😉
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I just want to ad that along with talking about each other's expectations and needs (which is so simple, but so important), it is also crucial to agree to accept change along the way. You have to be willing to try new things if something isn't working or understand that year to year your needs and their needs may change. You have to be willing to grow with each other.
My BF and I are doing really well and I am surprised about it all. But I think a lot of it has to do with him being supportive of me doing whatever I need to, to make my dream come true. That being said, give your BF a little break while you try to figure it out. I'm sure it's very hard for him to understand just how much work is required. But being 100% honest about your needs is key. And I've learned that spending an hour with your SO (or for me, an entire weekend every 6 weeks or so) is not going to kill your GPA in the long run. You need time to let your brain rest anyway 😀
My BF and I are doing really well and I am surprised about it all. But I think a lot of it has to do with him being supportive of me doing whatever I need to, to make my dream come true. That being said, give your BF a little break while you try to figure it out. I'm sure it's very hard for him to understand just how much work is required. But being 100% honest about your needs is key. And I've learned that spending an hour with your SO (or for me, an entire weekend every 6 weeks or so) is not going to kill your GPA in the long run. You need time to let your brain rest anyway 😀
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I agree with all of the things that have been said so far. I was in a long term relationship prior to vet school. I knew it would be a struggle because he wasn't too supportive of me being a vet in the first place. First semester really opened my eyes to all the things that were wrong with that relationship and why it couldn't continue. I finally realized it was emotional abuse, and it was time for me to get out.
Ending that was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have been in a 2 year relationship now with someone who is incredibly supportive and understanding. I think it helps that he has already graduated (mechanical engineering), so he kind of understands the study all the time thing. I make an effort to spend time with him almost every day, even if it's just for 30 minutes or so. I warned him that I would be stressed a lot, and some days I wouldn't have time for much of anything. If I've been especially busy during the week, I try to make extra time during the weekend (yay for camping trip this weekend!) 4th year actually scares me because I am afraid I will never see him!
Communication is definitely key, jamrockin--show him just how much you have to learn. Ask him what he expects from you and let him know what you expect from him. Talk about your relationship expectations in general. I love the comment that said vet school is not forever--that is so true. You may have to make some adjustments and compromises now to get through it, but things won't be like this forever.
Ending that was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have been in a 2 year relationship now with someone who is incredibly supportive and understanding. I think it helps that he has already graduated (mechanical engineering), so he kind of understands the study all the time thing. I make an effort to spend time with him almost every day, even if it's just for 30 minutes or so. I warned him that I would be stressed a lot, and some days I wouldn't have time for much of anything. If I've been especially busy during the week, I try to make extra time during the weekend (yay for camping trip this weekend!) 4th year actually scares me because I am afraid I will never see him!
Communication is definitely key, jamrockin--show him just how much you have to learn. Ask him what he expects from you and let him know what you expect from him. Talk about your relationship expectations in general. I love the comment that said vet school is not forever--that is so true. You may have to make some adjustments and compromises now to get through it, but things won't be like this forever.
Thank you all for your wonderful advice! We had a talk and decided that every Saturday we would plan the week, so I could allot time to study and time for him. He agreed to help more around the house and I agreed to try not to take out my stress on him. He's joining a couple social groups, so to alleviate the pressure on me being his only friend in town. I also took him to the anatomy lab with me last night so he could see what all I was working on.
Its a step in the right direction. Its still not perfect and we will fight again, I know. But its something, and I feel much better about our prospects, now.
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Its a step in the right direction. Its still not perfect and we will fight again, I know. But its something, and I feel much better about our prospects, now.
Sent from my DROID RAZR using SDN Mobile
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Sounds like a plan, ma'am!
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Finally decided to give up my hopes of great grades in order to keep my relationship afloat. My BF is important to me, so sacrifices must be made. I can be good at both instead of great at one and watch the other fail. 👍
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🙂
That's a great outlook, and I swear it feels so much better once you let go of that hope for great grades. For me, I developed a set list of priorities that I abide by in terms of how to spend my time, and it really helped in allowing me to justify the things I do. Since I knew my schedule wouldn't be nearly as flexible once clinical rotations hit, I decided take advantage of the huuuuge block of didactic teaching time for which attendance isn't absolutely mandatory (i.e. I only attended like 20% of lectures)
My priorities have been:
1.) Be able to float by in vet school (I try to get a B or above in courses I care about, but could care less if I get C's in those that will never matter to me beyond passing boards)
2.) Maintain a healthy and happy relationship with my SO. If that meant I take 2-3 days off of school when there aren't any mandatory classes, that's what I did. And when I do spend time with him, I give "us" my undivided attention.
3.) Get myself in clinics/hands-on activity or electives that remind me of why I'm here. It also helped because I needed the clin experience.
4.) Have a healthy support network of vet school friends.
5.) Excel in schoolwork
I pretty much never get to #5, but then I think about all the other stuff #1-4 I accomplished in a given week, and I find a lot of peace in that. Instead of feeling guilty about having spent time with my SO and friends, and having helped out with a c-section instead of studying, I think of those things as accomplishments as long as I passed my exam that week.
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Yeah, I've been navigating some rough terrain with my boyfriend for the last several weeks. This term I've really buckled down on my classes (plus, I'm taking more credits than I usually do, on top of working 20-25 hours per week).
He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand how much work this process involves. And to make matters worse, money isn't so good right now :\
I just had one of the worst moments of my life. My boyfriend broke up with me right before our four and a half year anniversary. I could barely get through the past week, and I am now struggling to finish up supplementals. Luckily, I got the Cornell one in on time, and my essays for MSU just need revised. I'm finally feeling more like myself today, but I broke down twice yesterday. I want to win him back, but it's rough when everything is long-distance. 🙁 I wish I made more time for him during this whole application process.
Looking at this thread has made me realize how hard it would have been to stay with him throughout veterinary school. Any advice on how to deal with break-ups such as this one?
Looking at this thread has made me realize how hard it would have been to stay with him throughout veterinary school. Any advice on how to deal with break-ups such as this one?
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I was going through similar when I was trying to apply, work 50 hours a week, and take 3 classes. 🙄
Things are fantastic between us now, but at the time, what I did was use it as motivation. I used the sadness as a pushing factor to push harder for something I knew would make me happy and proud of myself. I used to say outloud to myself "Rock this exam/ get this app done so you can get out of here and make yourself happy". Breakups are never easy and people deal with them differently, but I would say to find someway to make this a motivation to move on to bigger and better things (vet school) 😀 Because in the end, you don't want to be saying "Oh I didn't get in this year because I was moping over that guy I don't even speak to anymore... what a waste"
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Oh man this is great!
I'm applying to vet school now... locations all over. I'd love to go to my IS if I'm accepted, but there's a chance I'll move.
Been dating someone for a year on and off, and a few not so pretty traits are coming out. He was unsupportive of me volunteering abroad this year for 6 months because he said he couldn't see the benefit... I'm managing a goat dairy which I think is pretty dang awesome! 😕 , and now he's made it clear he's unsupportive of me leaving my state to go to school... and is being generally really negative about the amount of student debt that vet school entails.
To be honest, I am seriously doubting the relationship. How can you love someone but not support any of their goals?
I'm applying to vet school now... locations all over. I'd love to go to my IS if I'm accepted, but there's a chance I'll move.
Been dating someone for a year on and off, and a few not so pretty traits are coming out. He was unsupportive of me volunteering abroad this year for 6 months because he said he couldn't see the benefit... I'm managing a goat dairy which I think is pretty dang awesome! 😕 , and now he's made it clear he's unsupportive of me leaving my state to go to school... and is being generally really negative about the amount of student debt that vet school entails.
To be honest, I am seriously doubting the relationship. How can you love someone but not support any of their goals?
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It looks like you answered your own question.
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Admittedly, I don't know you (or your relationship) or the specifics, but there's a difference between being negative and being realistic. Especially going OOS, you could be looking at debt loads of 200k+. That is a /lot/ of money. A ridiculous, metric butt-ton. The majority of people should be concerned about that level of debt.
And volunteering abroad? Unless it was free (then in that case, go ahead! he's being a jerk! 😀), in theory that can also cost quite a bit and put a strain on those that don't go. Maybe to him the cost/benefit analysis wasn't high enough.
I think it'd be a good time for you two to sit down and just hash all of this out. If he's truly being a jerk, then it's time for him to go. But if there are mis-understandings and whatnot, then they need to be worked out. 🙂
Definitely sit down with him and really talk through everything. I wouldn't go to vet school if I had to pay for housing etc myself too. But I live at my mom's house (she doesnt live there) and my fiancé will be paying for food and other things. It's a lot of money, but we think we can do it together and will do the best we can to keep it all down as much as possible. But he was shocked and not very understanding at first either when he heard about what it was going to cost.
This might be confusing and not making sense but I'm late to class and don't have more time to write it out. Haha
(also, it still feels weird sometimes to call him my fiancé haha)
This might be confusing and not making sense but I'm late to class and don't have more time to write it out. Haha
(also, it still feels weird sometimes to call him my fiancé haha)
It may be that he feels like you're making all of these big life decisions without really considering what he wants or considering what it will do to you're relationship. It sounds like that isn't the case, but guys often feel left out (in my experience). I'd sit down and have a talk and focus on his feelings and not yours. If he's still being a dickwad, then dump him. It's not worth wasting your time with a guy that doesn't support you. It wouldn't last anyway.
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