Relationships and 3rd year

[JustSomePreMed]

Surprisingly, I didn't see much on this stuff via the search function (also, ignore my username, I'm a rising M3 with little foresight in username selection, apparently).

So for about 2 months now I've been seeing this girl. We're both 27, and I'll spare you all the lame details, but we seem to be extremely good matches for each other, more so than anyone I've ever met (and she's basically said the same is true for her in regards to me).

Anyway, obviously everything is still way early here. I really like her, she really likes me. She's in a grad program in my city, but she graduates this coming December, and has had tentative plans to move nearly to the other side of the country for a unique employment venture. Obviously those plans existed in her life before I ever did, and while I haven't sat down with her and discussed it in detail, I don't think those plans have changed (i.e. it's likely she's moving across the country in 6 months).

She's constantly told me that she knows we're both very busy with school, and she wouldn't be "wasting our time" if she wasn't serious about the whole thing. She's also talked (in very general terms) about wanting kids in the near future, blah blah, that kind of stuff that a soon to be 28 year old female thinks about. So at the very least, I know that the subject of long term relationships is on her mind. Again, it's wayyy early for me to be really worrying about all that stuff, I'm just trying to paint the picture here.

Long story short: I'm wondering if I should keep seeing her for the next 6 months with the hopes that somehow things will really progress well that we may be continuing things beyond that (either as a long distance thing, or in the event that she suddenly decides not to move). As someone about to start 3rd year rotations, I'm not sure I want to be dividing my time up to spend with something that, while fun and enjoyable, is essentially a dead end. I let medicine rule my life way too much during M1 and M2, and I regret it, and I'm trying to keep perspective in life and not keep putting things off because of medical school. But it seems from what I've gathered on here and from other people, M3 is busy enough that it's really not the time to start acting on that kind of resolution. Am I way off here?

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[ZagDoc]

Look, your schedule is going to be nearly completely out of your hands. You don't get a choice of when you work for the most part. Some rotations you may go a week or more without seeing each other. Others you'll essentially have a normal person 8-5 job. So you'll see each other when you can. She's either going to understand that, or she's not.

I dated throughout third year. Had to cancel a few dates when I was stuck in the OR or seeing a last minute consult/admit. When it came time to study for shelf exams, I studied. There's plenty (ok, maybe not plenty, but enough) time to date during third year. But it becomes more of a juggling match. If it's worth the added energy and effort to you, go for it. Dating is not going to hurt your performance as a third year. But third year may hurt your performance in dating. That being said, third year is a lot like residency like that. You work a lot, you don't really have a whole lot of control over when you work. So if it doesn't work, it's probably pretty telling about how things would go for the next few years.

 

[JustSomePreMed]

Look, your schedule is going to be nearly completely out of your hands. You don't get a choice of when you work for the most part. Some rotations you may go a week or more without seeing each other. Others you'll essentially have a normal person 8-5 job. So you'll see each other when you can. She's either going to understand that, or she's not.

I dated throughout third year. Had to cancel a few dates when I was stuck in the OR or seeing a last minute consult/admit. When it came time to study for shelf exams, I studied. There's plenty (ok, maybe not plenty, but enough) time to date during third year. But it becomes more of a juggling match. If it's worth the added energy and effort to you, go for it. Dating is not going to hurt your performance as a third year. But third year may hurt your performance in dating. That being said, third year is a lot like residency like that. You work a lot, you don't really have a whole lot of control over when you work. So if it doesn't work, it's probably pretty telling about how things would go for the next few years.

Thanks Zag. I think the bolded is the most important thing I was looking for. I'd like to think I'm not dumb enough to let dating drag my performance down in third year, but I really wasn't sure how much leeway that leaves me.

It seems obvious to just sit down with her and discuss it to get a pretty solid idea one way or another what she actually thinks will happen in 6 months, but A) I guess it's hard to be sure of something like that, and B) I'd feel kind of strange trying to initiate the whole "so, where do you see us 6 months from now?" as the guy, but whatever. I just don't want to make it sound like "hey, I like you, but if you're moving in 6 months you're kind of a waste of what little time I have."

 

[Depakote]

Go into 3rd year with the understanding that you're going to have less free time... but it's not impossible to balance school and a relationship. Don't bail out of a relationship just because you're afraid you're not going to have time for it. Plenty of people have made these things work in the past... and the next few years aren't going to be offering you an abundance of free time. You might as well get used to balancing your social life with work.

 

[JustSomePreMed]

Go into 3rd year with the understanding that you're going to have less free time... but it's not impossible to balance school and a relationship. Don't bail out of a relationship just because you're afraid you're not going to have time for it. Plenty of people have made these things work in the past... and the next few years aren't going to be offering you an abundance of free time. You might as well get used to balancing your social life with work.

Yeah, I mean I definitely don't want to be bailing on something prematurely just because of that. I guess the fact that it seems like it might all be destined to end in a few months makes it more difficult to justify juggling it all, but I'm certainly interested in giving it a shot with her.

 

[Instatewaiter]

I started a relashionship at the beginning of third year. Don't get me wrong, third year is a large time commitment but it really wasn't that bad juggling school and dating. If the person you are with understands that you are goinig to be busy it can make your life much, much easier.

And who knows, maybe this thing will work out with her. Even if it doesn't at least you are goning to enjoy yourself while you all are together. I vote for you to let this thing play out.

 

[wAyRadikull]

I'm starting 3rd year in a few weeks and my fiancee and I just had this conversation. I'll be in NY and she will be in MD, I'm not sure when I'll get to see her, how my weekends will shape up, how many exams I will have to take etc. Having said that, my relationship has definitely tested the waters of M1 and M2, so I know we'll make it through all right.

In your situation, I would definitely ride it out. You said you've been going out with her for about 2 months and you "like" each other. You have 6 more months to essentially change her mind haha, 6 months is a HUGE amount of time to make things happen. There is absolutely no reason to end it now, worst case scenario, forward 6 months, and you will be where you were 2 months ago, still in medical school haha.

Take these 6 months, see how it all plays out. At the end of the day, you don't want to sit all alone at home, with a bottle of JD thinking how you should have at least seen where things went with a girl you really liked (/Dramatization).

 

[JustSomePreMed]

Yeah, I guess I was mostly worried about it interfering with my performance on third year rotations. I know the work schedule is nuts, I guess I just don't have a solid grasp on how much studying outside of that I'll need to do in order to perform very well on rotations/shelf exams.

 

[g squared 23]

I say, dump her now. The absolute worst case scenario is that you'll regret it the rest of your life and forever remember her as the "one that got away" who was absolutely perfect for you and was indeed your one and only soul mate; haunted by the memories of "what could have been", you spiral into a deep seated depression and become incapable of forming any new close human relationships, and instead are only able to emotionally bond with animals; you then get like 16 cats and live the rest of your days cheesed out of your mind in a smelly, cat dander ridden (albeit very mouse-free) one bedroom apartment, as you impatiently wait for the sweet relief of death. [end reverse psychology]

 

[Lamotrigine]

I can tell you that I started a long distance relationship in 1st year with a girl in TX. I go to med school in NYC. We see each other once a month, she comes up here one month or I go down there. There have been periods of two months aka Surgery or so when we haven't gotten to see each other, but honestly your so busy 3rd year by the time you get to see your significant other again it seems like time has flown by. Rotations like FP or Psych you can free up weekends. I mean most of us are in debt to our eyeballs so the cash on those flights are a drop in the bucket for you happiness and well being. I have friends in 3rd year who are miserable who don't have significant others, they get desperate hook up with nurses twice their age or random not good looking girls at the club. If you have a relationship that makes you happy and stable stick with it. I agree whole heartedly with ZagDoc. If it was meant to be you will survive through distance. Never give up on something because it easy too.

 

[cpants]

You definitely shouldn't call it quits because of third year, but that's not really your question is it? The problem is that this chick is moving across country in 6 months. It's a tough situation because you aren't really that serious yet at 2 months of dating, so it's hard to broach the subject. Nonetheless, if you think this is a girl who you might want to spend the rest of your life with, the subject must be broached.

I wouldn't go into it with a super serious we-need-to-talk aproach. Just plant the seeds a little bit. "Would you ever consider working on the east coast for a while?" Is this really an industry in which she can only find work 3000 miles away? In a way, the situation is a lot harder for her, because you are locked in for 2 years with no possibility of movement. This essentially makes the decision hers.

Sorry man, this stuff is tough to deal with. I know how hard it can be because I was in a similar situation when starting medical school. Luckily for me it worked out, but it wasn't without a lot of hardship along the way.

 

[kdburton]

I say, dump her now. The absolute worst case scenario is that you'll regret it the rest of your life and forever remember her as the "one that got away" who was absolutely perfect for you and was indeed your one and only soul mate; haunted by the memories of "what could have been", you spiral into a deep seated depression and become incapable of forming any new close human relationships, and instead are only able to emotionally bond with animals; you then get like 16 cats and live the rest of your days cheesed out of your mind in a smelly, cat dander ridden (albeit very mouse-free) one bedroom apartment, as you impatiently wait for the sweet relief of death. [end reverse psychology]

Haha I actually LOL'ed while reading this response. But in all serious (and I'm seriously being serious), did this girl seriously start talking to you about wanting kids after 2 months? How come no one else has brought this up yet?!? Maybe g squared is right on

 

[JustSomePreMed]

Haha I actually LOL'ed while reading this response. But in all serious (and I'm seriously being serious), did this girl seriously start talking to you about wanting kids after 2 months? How come no one else has brought this up yet?!? Maybe g squared is right on

Ha yeah I thought someone would jump on that. Nah it wasn't in a "hey do you want kids because I want kids and I need to have them real soon so you better want kids" kind of way or anything. The subject came up because one of my older siblings is married and she asked about any nieces or nephews, and I told her the two of them had no interest in having kids, and she said something about that's too bad and how she wanted kids some day. Then at another point in time, she was talking to me about med school and said she considered applying (she's in a biologically related grad program) but at the point in her life when she decided to apply to grad school (a few years out of undergrad), she figured she'd have to worry about when to take time off to have kids or whatever.

So, the emphasis on the subject was more mine in this thread than hers in our conversation. As far as I can interpret it, the "kids" subject was really only brought up tangentially in these instances. But maybe she's got ulterior motives, who knows.

 

[NorGwynCrab]

I feel like you're overthinking this. Relationships aren't things you can plan out like a schedule, and if you like someone, then you continue dating that person. It's not a dead end unless you're planning on dumping her if she moves away. Even then, I mean, things change. Be selfish when it comes to your personal life. I don't see how med school even enters into this.

 

[wondertwinkle]

I think it's extremely possible to have a relationship during your third year. Unfortunately, there are a few clerkships that might make this year. Your inpatient surgery and medicine months are awfully busy regardless of what school you go to. If the person you end up dating happens to understand that you may be MIA for those few weeks, you'll do well. And of course the week or two before each shelf is never a pleasant one. I know of few people who have broken up during third year because things got "hard." Most of these people were with understanding partners.

Of course, you might want to take this with a grain of salt... I told someone I could either date them & study doing badly in both OR I could study for 7 months and date them later...We haven't talked in 8 months 😱

 

[DocDanny]

Are there opportunities to meet new people in your age range? Or are you stuck with the same 8 fellow students you've known for 2 years?

 

[Law2Doc]

Are there opportunities to meet new people in your age range? Or are you stuck with the same 8 fellow students you've known for 2 years?

You won't get to choose who you get stuck with in 3rd year. You will end up on rotations with 1-2 other med students, who will be a different 1-2 in each block. You end up meeting a good percentage of folks you would never have met otherwise. But the odds of them being someone datable is pretty low. You are better off spending your free time in the lighter rotations trying to meet people not in your class.

 

[VoiceofReason]

there is no time for relationships third year at my school

 

[jdh71]

I must have misplaced my guarantee that came with life . . .

 

[vicinihil]

the nice part of dating another med student is that you can study together and that is still spending time together. Dating outside the med school or graduate school situation is difficult because of the drastically different lifestyles. Dating interns/residents is also a popular option for some older medical students because of not only the social benefits you have but also the crappy lifestyle you both will lead.

 

[PharmaTope]

there is no time for relationships third year at my school

which umdnj?

 

[DocDanny]

there is no time for relationships third year at my school

See, this is what worries me.

If there is no time in third year, or fourth year, or intern year, or for the rest of residency, and God forbid if you do a fellowship or research, then that is many, many years to spend alone.

When do you plan on starting dating again?

 

[KnuxNole]

As a single guy, it sounds disheartening that it might be impossible to meet new people, with the hectic schedules and all.

The one thing that worries me the most is, if I do find someone, how do I tell them about my ridiculous schedule that wouldn't sound like a dealbreaker. I feel like if I say "Oh, btw, I go to school for 60-70 hours a week, plus I have to study, so we might not get to see each other a lot!" seems like a turn-off. Especially if the person I'm dating is needy and all that...a laid-back person seems hard to find nowadays 🙁

 

[cpants]

There is definitely time for dating, if you make it. I know several third year students who went on dates weekly and several who started serious relationships during third year. If you use the no time excuse, you will never find anyone, ever. Third year is less of a time commitment than you will face in the rest of your medical career in most most specialties. There is no reason to wait. Ask a few people out, have a good time, and see what happens.

People make too much of a big deal about third year. Sure, it's a lot of hours, but it's nothing crazy. With the exception of a couple of months, you will still have most weekends off and will get home by 6 or 7 at the latest most nights. You can easily get dinner with someone on the vast majority of weeknights during third year. You will have at least one weekend night free for pretty much the whole of the year. School is not an excuse to be alone, so stop using it that way.

 

[username456789]

It definitely seems a bit tough/daunting right off the bat. Then again, I'm dating a non-med student (although she's a lifetime student like me, so she understands to some extent what it's like, or at least is sympathetic to the fact that I don't have all the time in the world to spend with her). However, I hate to say it but I could easily envision third year screwing it all up if I'm not careful.

 

[VoiceofReason]

There is definitely time for dating, if you make it. I know several third year students who went on dates weekly and several who started serious relationships during third year. If you use the no time excuse, you will never find anyone, ever. Third year is less of a time commitment than you will face in the rest of your medical career in most most specialties. There is no reason to wait. Ask a few people out, have a good time, and see what happens.

People make too much of a big deal about third year. Sure, it's a lot of hours, but it's nothing crazy. With the exception of a couple of months, you will still have most weekends off and will get home by 6 or 7 at the latest most nights. You can easily get dinner with someone on the vast majority of weeknights during third year. You will have at least one weekend night free for pretty much the whole of the year. School is not an excuse to be alone, so stop using it that way.

im on one of the easiest rotations and there is no time. i do get a few hours at the end of each day but i have to struggle through 1-2 hours of reading, exercise, maybe cook. There is no time for dating, you can spend time with someone if they're willing to keep you company while you cook, study, exercise, do laundry. But thats not the same thing as dating. Furthermore, i dont have any money because my student loans are stingy as hell.

 

[VoiceofReason]

When do you plan on starting dating again?

im just hoping i meet someone in whatever hospital i end up at for residency

 

[DocDanny]

There is definitely time for dating, if you make it. I know several third year students who went on dates weekly and several who started serious relationships during third year. If you use the no time excuse, you will never find anyone, ever. Third year is less of a time commitment than you will face in the rest of your medical career in most most specialties. There is no reason to wait. Ask a few people out, have a good time, and see what happens.

People make too much of a big deal about third year. Sure, it's a lot of hours, but it's nothing crazy. With the exception of a couple of months, you will still have most weekends off and will get home by 6 or 7 at the latest most nights. You can easily get dinner with someone on the vast majority of weeknights during third year. You will have at least one weekend night free for pretty much the whole of the year. School is not an excuse to be alone, so stop using it that way.

This seems more like the pace at my school. So you give me hope.

VoiceofReason- Why do you think you'll suddenly have all this extra free time when you are a resident?

 

[cpants]

im on one of the easiest rotations and there is no time. i do get a few hours at the end of each day but i have to struggle through 1-2 hours of reading, exercise, maybe cook. There is no time for dating, you can spend time with someone if they're willing to keep you company while you cook, study, exercise, do laundry. But thats not the same thing as dating. Furthermore, i dont have any money because my student loans are stingy as hell.

That's interesting, b/c I'm fairly certain we go to the same school. I don't know what to tell you. If your schedule is so intensive third year that you are unable to find any time whatsoever to go on dates, you might want to reconsider medicine. I know I will catch flack for saying that, but really, the time commitments are only going to increase as you go down this path. So if what you are saying is true, you are choosing to be alone for life if you continue in medicine.

Fortunately, I don't think this is the reality for the vast majority of med students. You yourself admit that you have several hours each evening with which you choose to do things like study, exercise, cook, launder, etc. I'm sure you also have significant unscheduled time almost every weekend. With some good time managment, you should be able to work dating into there somewhere. In other words, I think you are overblowing it, as most do. Third year is tough, but it's not so tough that you can't find at least a few hours a week to go on a date. I was already in a serious relationship going into third year, but we went out for a date almost every single week of third year.

 

[VoiceofReason]

I was already in a serious relationship going into third year, but we went out for a date almost every single week of third year.

you're saying you went out once a week at best, i agree thats all you have time for. I consider that amount of time for dating pretty marginal. Also, like i mentioned before, even if i had time i dont have any money (my parents don't give me an allowance, im 27)

 

[DocDanny]

Doesn't your school have student loans?

And also, you say you'd rather exercise than date. But technically, if a date goes VERY well, it can lead to exercise anyway. Best of both worlds, man.

Sigh. My sense of humor is probably one of the reasons why I am single.

 

[VoiceofReason]

Doesn't your school have student loans?

.

yes...

 

[cpants]

you're saying you went out once a week at best, i agree thats all you have time for. I consider that amount of time for dating pretty marginal. Also, like i mentioned before, even if i had time i dont have any money (my parents don't give me an allowance, im 27)

Actually, I probably went out once a week at worst. Ok, so you admit you have time for one real date a week. You could easily make time to see a person at least a few more times, stop by for dinner, grab lunch on a weekend day, watch tv for an hour, whatever it is. Time may be hard to come by, but if it's important to you, you'll make time for it. It is definitely possible to see someone regularly and/or start a relationship third year. A lot of people do it.

Sorry for your financial troubles, but you won't get much sympathy from me. I'm 27 also, and don't get a dime from my parents. The loan money is more than adequate. Better check your budget.

 

[christina30]

Arguable that residency will leave you with much less time than your 3rd year rotations. My boyfriend is doing his residency in gen. surg. and he still finds time to take me out on dates. If he can do it in the middle of the hell that is a surgical residency, then I think almost anybody can make the time when they want to, even it means going on dates at weird times. You just can't expect it to always be a Friday/Saturday night typical dinner-and-a-movie kind of thing.