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Psst, hey neighbors.
You know that series of S-turns that you use to leave our subdivision?
There’s like 3 or 4 of them right in a row.
Once you hit the end, it empties out on to state road six-seven.
Yeah, I know; not all the arcs are the same – there’s ponds on each side that you gotta engineer the roads around so the arcs don’t exactly match one another. Looks nice. I like ponds too.
Those ones. Y’unnerstand me now? Good. Pay attention.
STAY IN YOUR FUGGIN’ LANE, BOOMER.
At least twice a week, one of you braindead boomers figures that they’re too lazy to turn the steering wheel just a little more and adjust your speed to stay between the lines. Yeah; when you turn more sharply, your speed will increase; that’s physics.
You guys just figure “that’s too uncomfortable”, or maybe you forgot that you already took your two percocets (sic) in the morning already and took 2 + 2, for a total of four 10/325mg Percocets (shut up, it’s always “TENS” – that’s the only medication dose that you care enough to remember). Amazing that you can remember who played third base for the Yankees in 68, but can’t remember the names of your “heart pills”.
I could forgive it if you were “just crossing the line a smidge”, but 4-5 feet is too much. You’re halfway in my lane, about to kiss my front tire.
Here’s what’s gonna happen: I’m gonna lay on my horn. You may or may not hear me because you may or may not have put your freaking hearing aids in. If your hearing aids ARE in, you may have “Hannity!” too loud on the radio. If you do hear me, you’re going to be startled and overcorrect, which now puts you in the OPPOSITE lane.
If you don’t hear me grandpa, then that’s on you bro. I’ll put my steel bumpers up against your little plastic sedan every day. If you DO hear me, grandma – don’t slam on the brakes so you “can figure out what’s happening”. Things are in motion around you. Move your head. PROTIP: Use your neck to move your head.
When I pull up next to you at the intersection, don’t roll down your window and yell at me to “WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING, KID!”. I do watch where I’m going. When I yell BACK at you: “I DO WATCH WHERE I’M GOING, AND SO DOES MY DASHCAM, GRANDPA JOE”, don’t sit there with your mouth slightly opening and closing like an aquarium fish. My dashcam has also your recorded your senility. You’re going to be at-fault in the accident.
There's over ten zillion more people on the road now than there were when you were driving your GTO in '65 because you boomer politicians have let most of the third world into this country thanks to your insatiable greed. Guess what? Most of them don't speak English, can't read the road signs, and have no intention of learning to do so. You're gonna have to stay alert out there.
I know you’re an incredibly busy retiree, with doctors appointments to make, lottery tickets to check, and percocets to take – but pay attention. You guys fought communism and saved the world and stuff – the least you can do is be aware of where your car is going. PROTIP: There’s lines on the road to indicate the lanes. Keep the FRONT of the car in between those lines.
If you can’t manage that, then it’s probably time for the nursing home, Gertrude. Or Myron. Or Irving. Or Blanche.
OK BOOMER !
You know that series of S-turns that you use to leave our subdivision?
There’s like 3 or 4 of them right in a row.
Once you hit the end, it empties out on to state road six-seven.
Yeah, I know; not all the arcs are the same – there’s ponds on each side that you gotta engineer the roads around so the arcs don’t exactly match one another. Looks nice. I like ponds too.
Those ones. Y’unnerstand me now? Good. Pay attention.
STAY IN YOUR FUGGIN’ LANE, BOOMER.
At least twice a week, one of you braindead boomers figures that they’re too lazy to turn the steering wheel just a little more and adjust your speed to stay between the lines. Yeah; when you turn more sharply, your speed will increase; that’s physics.
You guys just figure “that’s too uncomfortable”, or maybe you forgot that you already took your two percocets (sic) in the morning already and took 2 + 2, for a total of four 10/325mg Percocets (shut up, it’s always “TENS” – that’s the only medication dose that you care enough to remember). Amazing that you can remember who played third base for the Yankees in 68, but can’t remember the names of your “heart pills”.
I could forgive it if you were “just crossing the line a smidge”, but 4-5 feet is too much. You’re halfway in my lane, about to kiss my front tire.
Here’s what’s gonna happen: I’m gonna lay on my horn. You may or may not hear me because you may or may not have put your freaking hearing aids in. If your hearing aids ARE in, you may have “Hannity!” too loud on the radio. If you do hear me, you’re going to be startled and overcorrect, which now puts you in the OPPOSITE lane.
If you don’t hear me grandpa, then that’s on you bro. I’ll put my steel bumpers up against your little plastic sedan every day. If you DO hear me, grandma – don’t slam on the brakes so you “can figure out what’s happening”. Things are in motion around you. Move your head. PROTIP: Use your neck to move your head.
When I pull up next to you at the intersection, don’t roll down your window and yell at me to “WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING, KID!”. I do watch where I’m going. When I yell BACK at you: “I DO WATCH WHERE I’M GOING, AND SO DOES MY DASHCAM, GRANDPA JOE”, don’t sit there with your mouth slightly opening and closing like an aquarium fish. My dashcam has also your recorded your senility. You’re going to be at-fault in the accident.
There's over ten zillion more people on the road now than there were when you were driving your GTO in '65 because you boomer politicians have let most of the third world into this country thanks to your insatiable greed. Guess what? Most of them don't speak English, can't read the road signs, and have no intention of learning to do so. You're gonna have to stay alert out there.
I know you’re an incredibly busy retiree, with doctors appointments to make, lottery tickets to check, and percocets to take – but pay attention. You guys fought communism and saved the world and stuff – the least you can do is be aware of where your car is going. PROTIP: There’s lines on the road to indicate the lanes. Keep the FRONT of the car in between those lines.
If you can’t manage that, then it’s probably time for the nursing home, Gertrude. Or Myron. Or Irving. Or Blanche.
OK BOOMER !