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- Aug 21, 2007
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Congratulations!
You're hitting 64-66 years old. You've worked "all your life" and are ready to retire! You're ready to start collecting social security income and join the throbbing hordes of seniors from the northeast/midwest and decide to ride out those cold, snowy winter months in Florida every year. You've got your (2nd home, condo, seasonal rental, RV park) all in line and you're all ready to go! Here's a short list of things to do while you're down here on the gulf coast that will ensure that everyone identifies you as a "snowbird", and will be sure to piss off every local resident!
1. When coming down for the "season", be sure to drive your biggest, most obnoxious SUV-style vehicle down here to a state that has a whole 30 feet of elevation change from coast to coast and doesn't see snow at all. That four-wheel drive will really come in handy when the temperature dips into the 50s and there isn't any rain to speak of. Make sure that you have a license plate frame that says something like " #1 YANKEES FAN" or "GO BOSOX" along with 2-4 decals to let us all know where you're from. Drive slowly and casually everywhere, because remember: "YOU'RE ON VACATION!" Give confused looks (with your mouth open) to everyone who passes you on the roads because they... *have to get to work*. Those poor, poor proles. They must have done something WRONG in their lives to not be like you. Maybe they should go to church more.
2. When driving that obnoxious SUV to the local grocery store; be sure to park it wherever the hell you want. Park in the fire lane? Sure. Park directly in front of the doors? Why not! Hell; just pull the effing thing into the store and drive up and down the aisles, grabbing bags of chips and bottles of cheap wine out of your driver's-side window. Nevermind the fact that there's an entire empty parking lot just ten yards away... you're retired and you've earned the right to do whatever the phuck you want, at any time, with no regard for anyone else. After all, you're fat and can't walk the thirty steps, but you'll tell the next ER doc that you're actually very active and walk "all the time". Don't even bother to put on the four-ways and leave a person in the car in case Fire/EMS shows up... just park it as close to the door as you can, because "you only need a few things and you'll be right out." When you come out to your tank parked in the emergency lane, be sure to spend 10-20 minutes talking about the Jets or Patriots with the other 6-10 New Englanders also parked ten inches apart from each other in front of the signs that read "NO PARKING! EMERGENCY VEHICLES ONLY!"
3. You're a senior from the northeast, so you're probably on at least 12 medications to control your hypertension, cholesterol, diabetes, thyroid, and other various disorders resulting from your decades of medical noncompliance. When showing up to the pharmacy to pick up your prescriptions, be sure to yell at the pharmacist (who has never seen you before, or hasn't seen you in 8 months) because your prescription drugs "aren't ready yet" or "cost a lot more than they do back up north". When the polite pharmacist asks you what medications you really need today (because he/she is trying to work with you to see to your immediate needs), be completely unable to name any of the medications that you take, their dose, schedule, or the reason for needing said medication. After all; "its all in the computer anyways", so they can figure it out in a jiff. Those 5 people lining up behind you can wait; you're the most important thing to ever drive from Great Neck to Sarasota several times now.
4. When dining out, be sure to loudly complain about how the (Italian/Chinese/Indian/whatever) food "isn't the same as it is back up north." Useful phrases include: "You can't get a good tomato down here"; "The seabass isn't as fresh as it would be on Long Island", and "these aren't the REAL Chinese people down here; they're all half-Cubans (sic) anyways". Give a condescending glare to the bartender when you order a drink that went out of fashion in 1982 (Grasshopper, Velvet hammer, Rusty Nail) and they can't make it just the way you remember it from your wall street days. Don't tip well; the staff has the privilege of learning from YOU. That's reward in and of itself. Tell them the story about how you knew Billy Joel's cousins back when he was playing small crowds for the eleventeeth time. They ALWAYS love that!
5. When going to the beach (which, you need to do a few token times while you're here just to say that you did) be sure to wear your shoes all over the sand. Drag the dirt, oil, milkshake drippings, brake fluid, and other asphalt-based scum from the parking lot and streets all over the fine sugar-white granules. Flick your cigarette butts in the sand, too. After all; you're the hottest 62 year old female with only three cosmetic surgeries that has come out of the tri-state area. Haven't these people seen "Real Housewives?" You couddabe on that show! Shout loudly in your gravelly voice about how humid it is, and how you'd rather be "back down-neck (or up-neck, or whateverneck) today". Please, don't let us stand in your way. Get right back in that SUV and get your 12 miles per gallon back up I-95. If you leave now, you can make the next Giants game.
6. Your generally poor health and denial of the need for lifestyle changes will invariably land you in the local ER. When you go; expect to be "admitted" so you that you don't have to pay for anything. Bring your suitcase, complete with 2 changes of clothes and various accoutrements. When asked if you have a local doctor, reply with: "Oh, I'm only down here 8 months a year, so I don't need one", or "Medical care isn't as good down here at it is up in Manhattan, so I don't trust these [Spanish] or [Foreign] doctors." Say things like: "You're going to ADMIT me, aren't you?" to the physician in your most condescending voice; as if I'm "not a good boy" if I don't ADMIT you. Follow that phrase up with "You're not going to make me 'observation'!", and then when the physician tells you that he/she doesn't get to make that determination, angrily demand to speak with the person who can make that decision: NOW. Snap your fingers when you want something and scream "Nirrrrsse!" or "Dawwwktahhh!", completely ignoring the call button 8 inches from your right hand.
7. I will write (7) and (8) soon; I have some ideas, but they're not well-fleshed out yet. I need a break. My BP actually went up 30 points just writing this.
Take it away, SDN.
You're hitting 64-66 years old. You've worked "all your life" and are ready to retire! You're ready to start collecting social security income and join the throbbing hordes of seniors from the northeast/midwest and decide to ride out those cold, snowy winter months in Florida every year. You've got your (2nd home, condo, seasonal rental, RV park) all in line and you're all ready to go! Here's a short list of things to do while you're down here on the gulf coast that will ensure that everyone identifies you as a "snowbird", and will be sure to piss off every local resident!
1. When coming down for the "season", be sure to drive your biggest, most obnoxious SUV-style vehicle down here to a state that has a whole 30 feet of elevation change from coast to coast and doesn't see snow at all. That four-wheel drive will really come in handy when the temperature dips into the 50s and there isn't any rain to speak of. Make sure that you have a license plate frame that says something like " #1 YANKEES FAN" or "GO BOSOX" along with 2-4 decals to let us all know where you're from. Drive slowly and casually everywhere, because remember: "YOU'RE ON VACATION!" Give confused looks (with your mouth open) to everyone who passes you on the roads because they... *have to get to work*. Those poor, poor proles. They must have done something WRONG in their lives to not be like you. Maybe they should go to church more.
2. When driving that obnoxious SUV to the local grocery store; be sure to park it wherever the hell you want. Park in the fire lane? Sure. Park directly in front of the doors? Why not! Hell; just pull the effing thing into the store and drive up and down the aisles, grabbing bags of chips and bottles of cheap wine out of your driver's-side window. Nevermind the fact that there's an entire empty parking lot just ten yards away... you're retired and you've earned the right to do whatever the phuck you want, at any time, with no regard for anyone else. After all, you're fat and can't walk the thirty steps, but you'll tell the next ER doc that you're actually very active and walk "all the time". Don't even bother to put on the four-ways and leave a person in the car in case Fire/EMS shows up... just park it as close to the door as you can, because "you only need a few things and you'll be right out." When you come out to your tank parked in the emergency lane, be sure to spend 10-20 minutes talking about the Jets or Patriots with the other 6-10 New Englanders also parked ten inches apart from each other in front of the signs that read "NO PARKING! EMERGENCY VEHICLES ONLY!"
3. You're a senior from the northeast, so you're probably on at least 12 medications to control your hypertension, cholesterol, diabetes, thyroid, and other various disorders resulting from your decades of medical noncompliance. When showing up to the pharmacy to pick up your prescriptions, be sure to yell at the pharmacist (who has never seen you before, or hasn't seen you in 8 months) because your prescription drugs "aren't ready yet" or "cost a lot more than they do back up north". When the polite pharmacist asks you what medications you really need today (because he/she is trying to work with you to see to your immediate needs), be completely unable to name any of the medications that you take, their dose, schedule, or the reason for needing said medication. After all; "its all in the computer anyways", so they can figure it out in a jiff. Those 5 people lining up behind you can wait; you're the most important thing to ever drive from Great Neck to Sarasota several times now.
4. When dining out, be sure to loudly complain about how the (Italian/Chinese/Indian/whatever) food "isn't the same as it is back up north." Useful phrases include: "You can't get a good tomato down here"; "The seabass isn't as fresh as it would be on Long Island", and "these aren't the REAL Chinese people down here; they're all half-Cubans (sic) anyways". Give a condescending glare to the bartender when you order a drink that went out of fashion in 1982 (Grasshopper, Velvet hammer, Rusty Nail) and they can't make it just the way you remember it from your wall street days. Don't tip well; the staff has the privilege of learning from YOU. That's reward in and of itself. Tell them the story about how you knew Billy Joel's cousins back when he was playing small crowds for the eleventeeth time. They ALWAYS love that!
5. When going to the beach (which, you need to do a few token times while you're here just to say that you did) be sure to wear your shoes all over the sand. Drag the dirt, oil, milkshake drippings, brake fluid, and other asphalt-based scum from the parking lot and streets all over the fine sugar-white granules. Flick your cigarette butts in the sand, too. After all; you're the hottest 62 year old female with only three cosmetic surgeries that has come out of the tri-state area. Haven't these people seen "Real Housewives?" You couddabe on that show! Shout loudly in your gravelly voice about how humid it is, and how you'd rather be "back down-neck (or up-neck, or whateverneck) today". Please, don't let us stand in your way. Get right back in that SUV and get your 12 miles per gallon back up I-95. If you leave now, you can make the next Giants game.
6. Your generally poor health and denial of the need for lifestyle changes will invariably land you in the local ER. When you go; expect to be "admitted" so you that you don't have to pay for anything. Bring your suitcase, complete with 2 changes of clothes and various accoutrements. When asked if you have a local doctor, reply with: "Oh, I'm only down here 8 months a year, so I don't need one", or "Medical care isn't as good down here at it is up in Manhattan, so I don't trust these [Spanish] or [Foreign] doctors." Say things like: "You're going to ADMIT me, aren't you?" to the physician in your most condescending voice; as if I'm "not a good boy" if I don't ADMIT you. Follow that phrase up with "You're not going to make me 'observation'!", and then when the physician tells you that he/she doesn't get to make that determination, angrily demand to speak with the person who can make that decision: NOW. Snap your fingers when you want something and scream "Nirrrrsse!" or "Dawwwktahhh!", completely ignoring the call button 8 inches from your right hand.
7. I will write (7) and (8) soon; I have some ideas, but they're not well-fleshed out yet. I need a break. My BP actually went up 30 points just writing this.
Take it away, SDN.
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