RustedFox Rants: Snowbirds.

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RustedFox

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Congratulations!

You're hitting 64-66 years old. You've worked "all your life" and are ready to retire! You're ready to start collecting social security income and join the throbbing hordes of seniors from the northeast/midwest and decide to ride out those cold, snowy winter months in Florida every year. You've got your (2nd home, condo, seasonal rental, RV park) all in line and you're all ready to go! Here's a short list of things to do while you're down here on the gulf coast that will ensure that everyone identifies you as a "snowbird", and will be sure to piss off every local resident!

1. When coming down for the "season", be sure to drive your biggest, most obnoxious SUV-style vehicle down here to a state that has a whole 30 feet of elevation change from coast to coast and doesn't see snow at all. That four-wheel drive will really come in handy when the temperature dips into the 50s and there isn't any rain to speak of. Make sure that you have a license plate frame that says something like " #1 YANKEES FAN" or "GO BOSOX" along with 2-4 decals to let us all know where you're from. Drive slowly and casually everywhere, because remember: "YOU'RE ON VACATION!" Give confused looks (with your mouth open) to everyone who passes you on the roads because they... *have to get to work*. Those poor, poor proles. They must have done something WRONG in their lives to not be like you. Maybe they should go to church more.

2. When driving that obnoxious SUV to the local grocery store; be sure to park it wherever the hell you want. Park in the fire lane? Sure. Park directly in front of the doors? Why not! Hell; just pull the effing thing into the store and drive up and down the aisles, grabbing bags of chips and bottles of cheap wine out of your driver's-side window. Nevermind the fact that there's an entire empty parking lot just ten yards away... you're retired and you've earned the right to do whatever the phuck you want, at any time, with no regard for anyone else. After all, you're fat and can't walk the thirty steps, but you'll tell the next ER doc that you're actually very active and walk "all the time". Don't even bother to put on the four-ways and leave a person in the car in case Fire/EMS shows up... just park it as close to the door as you can, because "you only need a few things and you'll be right out." When you come out to your tank parked in the emergency lane, be sure to spend 10-20 minutes talking about the Jets or Patriots with the other 6-10 New Englanders also parked ten inches apart from each other in front of the signs that read "NO PARKING! EMERGENCY VEHICLES ONLY!"

3. You're a senior from the northeast, so you're probably on at least 12 medications to control your hypertension, cholesterol, diabetes, thyroid, and other various disorders resulting from your decades of medical noncompliance. When showing up to the pharmacy to pick up your prescriptions, be sure to yell at the pharmacist (who has never seen you before, or hasn't seen you in 8 months) because your prescription drugs "aren't ready yet" or "cost a lot more than they do back up north". When the polite pharmacist asks you what medications you really need today (because he/she is trying to work with you to see to your immediate needs), be completely unable to name any of the medications that you take, their dose, schedule, or the reason for needing said medication. After all; "its all in the computer anyways", so they can figure it out in a jiff. Those 5 people lining up behind you can wait; you're the most important thing to ever drive from Great Neck to Sarasota several times now.

4. When dining out, be sure to loudly complain about how the (Italian/Chinese/Indian/whatever) food "isn't the same as it is back up north." Useful phrases include: "You can't get a good tomato down here"; "The seabass isn't as fresh as it would be on Long Island", and "these aren't the REAL Chinese people down here; they're all half-Cubans (sic) anyways". Give a condescending glare to the bartender when you order a drink that went out of fashion in 1982 (Grasshopper, Velvet hammer, Rusty Nail) and they can't make it just the way you remember it from your wall street days. Don't tip well; the staff has the privilege of learning from YOU. That's reward in and of itself. Tell them the story about how you knew Billy Joel's cousins back when he was playing small crowds for the eleventeeth time. They ALWAYS love that!

5. When going to the beach (which, you need to do a few token times while you're here just to say that you did) be sure to wear your shoes all over the sand. Drag the dirt, oil, milkshake drippings, brake fluid, and other asphalt-based scum from the parking lot and streets all over the fine sugar-white granules. Flick your cigarette butts in the sand, too. After all; you're the hottest 62 year old female with only three cosmetic surgeries that has come out of the tri-state area. Haven't these people seen "Real Housewives?" You couddabe on that show! Shout loudly in your gravelly voice about how humid it is, and how you'd rather be "back down-neck (or up-neck, or whateverneck) today". Please, don't let us stand in your way. Get right back in that SUV and get your 12 miles per gallon back up I-95. If you leave now, you can make the next Giants game.

6. Your generally poor health and denial of the need for lifestyle changes will invariably land you in the local ER. When you go; expect to be "admitted" so you that you don't have to pay for anything. Bring your suitcase, complete with 2 changes of clothes and various accoutrements. When asked if you have a local doctor, reply with: "Oh, I'm only down here 8 months a year, so I don't need one", or "Medical care isn't as good down here at it is up in Manhattan, so I don't trust these [Spanish] or [Foreign] doctors." Say things like: "You're going to ADMIT me, aren't you?" to the physician in your most condescending voice; as if I'm "not a good boy" if I don't ADMIT you. Follow that phrase up with "You're not going to make me 'observation'!", and then when the physician tells you that he/she doesn't get to make that determination, angrily demand to speak with the person who can make that decision: NOW. Snap your fingers when you want something and scream "Nirrrrsse!" or "Dawwwktahhh!", completely ignoring the call button 8 inches from your right hand.

7. I will write (7) and (8) soon; I have some ideas, but they're not well-fleshed out yet. I need a break. My BP actually went up 30 points just writing this.

Take it away, SDN.
 
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Redneck Riviera addition to #4: Be sure to complain "Oh my GAWD, everything is fried down here. Haven't these people ever heard of salads?. Why is everything so spicy? Do you use Old Bay seasoning?" During crawfish season: "People really eat those? That looks disgusting!"

If staying on MS Gulf Coast: Be sure to keep playing the slots while the medics are trying to assess you after the witnessed syncopal episode. After all, you wouldn't want someone else to win the $32.00 jackpot on the penny slot machine you've been camped out at for 19 hours.

If you don't drive the 4X4, be sure to tow it behind your battleship-sized RV, that you should probably have a CDL for. Don't forget to haphazardly pull into and park at the gas stations, it's not like anybody else needs the 8-10 pumps you've blocked.

Great, now i've got the eye twitch...
 
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Lol. We get the reverse snowbirds here in the mountains. Note to the elderly and cardiac patients: I don't care what your sea-level cardiologist told you, but your five stents are not compatible with an altitude of 7000 feet. We are sending you down the mountain now that you have failed your altitude-induced stress test.
 
Congratulations!

You're hitting 64-66 years old. You've worked "all your life" and are ready to retire! You're ready to start collecting social security income and join the throbbing hordes of seniors from the northeast/midwest and decide to ride out those cold, snowy winter months in Florida every year. You've got your (2nd home, condo, seasonal rental, RV park) all in line and you're all ready to go! Here's a short list of things to do while you're down here on the gulf coast that will ensure that everyone identifies you as a "snowbird", and will be sure to piss off every local resident!

1. When coming down for the "season", be sure to drive your biggest, most obnoxious SUV-style vehicle down here to a state that has a whole 30 feet of elevation change from coast to coast and doesn't see snow at all. That four-wheel drive will really come in handy when the temperature dips into the 50s and there isn't any rain to speak of. Make sure that you have a license plate frame that says something like " #1 YANKEES FAN" or "GO BOSOX" along with 2-4 decals to let us all know where you're from. Drive slowly and casually everywhere, because remember: "YOU'RE ON VACATION!" Give confused looks (with your mouth open) to everyone who passes you on the roads because they... *have to get to work*. Those poor, poor proles. They must have done something WRONG in their lives to not be like you. Maybe they should go to church more.

2. When driving that obnoxious SUV to the local grocery store; be sure to park it wherever the hell you want. Park in the fire lane? Sure. Park directly in front of the doors? Why not! Hell; just pull the effing thing into the store and drive up and down the aisles, grabbing bags of chips and bottles of cheap wine out of your driver's-side window. Nevermind the fact that there's an entire empty parking lot just ten yards away... you're retired and you've earned the right to do whatever the phuck you want, at any time, with no regard for anyone else. After all, you're fat and can't walk the thirty steps, but you'll tell the next ER doc that you're actually very active and walk "all the time". Don't even bother to put on the four-ways and leave a person in the car in case Fire/EMS shows up... just park it as close to the door as you can, because "you only need a few things and you'll be right out." When you come out to your tank parked in the emergency lane, be sure to spend 10-20 minutes talking about the Jets or Patriots with the other 6-10 New Englanders also parked ten inches apart from each other in front of the signs that read "NO PARKING! EMERGENCY VEHICLES ONLY!"

3. You're a senior from the northeast, so you're probably on at least 12 medications to control your hypertension, cholesterol, diabetes, thyroid, and other various disorders resulting from your decades of medical noncompliance. When showing up to the pharmacy to pick up your prescriptions, be sure to yell at the pharmacist (who has never seen you before, or hasn't seen you in 8 months) because your prescription drugs "aren't ready yet" or "cost a lot more than they do back up north". When the polite pharmacist asks you what medications you really need today (because he/she is trying to work with you to see to your immediate needs), be completely unable to name any of the medications that you take, their dose, schedule, or the reason for needing said medication. After all; "its all in the computer anyways", so they can figure it out in a jiff. Those 5 people lining up behind you can wait; you're the most important thing to ever drive from Great Neck to Sarasota several times now.

4. When dining out, be sure to loudly complain about how the (Italian/Chinese/Indian/whatever) food "isn't the same as it is back up north." Useful phrases include: "You can't get a good tomato down here"; "The seabass isn't as fresh as it would be on Long Island", and "these aren't the REAL Chinese people down here; they're all half-Cubans (sic) anyways". Give a condescending glare to the bartender when you order a drink that went out of fashion in 1982 (Grasshopper, Velvet hammer, Rusty Nail) and they can't make it just the way you remember it from your wall street days. Don't tip well; the staff has the privilege of learning from YOU. That's reward in and of itself. Tell them the story about how you knew Billy Joel's cousins back when he was playing small crowds for the eleventeeth time. They ALWAYS love that!

5. When going to the beach (which, you need to do a few token times while you're here just to say that you did) be sure to wear your shoes all over the sand. Drag the dirt, oil, milkshake drippings, brake fluid, and other asphalt-based scum from the parking lot and streets all over the fine sugar-white granules. Flick your cigarette butts in the sand, too. After all; you're the hottest 62 year old female with only three cosmetic surgeries that has come out of the tri-state area. Haven't these people seen "Real Housewives?" You couddabe on that show! Shout loudly in your gravelly voice about how humid it is, and how you'd rather be "back down-neck (or up-neck, or whateverneck) today". Please, don't let us stand in your way. Get right back in that SUV and get your 12 miles per gallon back up I-95. If you leave now, you can make the next Giants game.

6. Your generally poor health and denial of the need for lifestyle changes will invariably land you in the local ER. When you go; expect to be "admitted" so you that you don't have to pay for anything. Bring your suitcase, complete with 2 changes of clothes and various accoutrements. When asked if you have a local doctor, reply with: "Oh, I'm only down here 8 months a year, so I don't need one", or "Medical care isn't as good down here at it is up in Manhattan, so I don't trust these [Spanish] or [Foreign] doctors." Say things like: "You're going to ADMIT me, aren't you?" to the physician in your most condescending voice; as if I'm "not a good boy" if I don't ADMIT you. Follow that phrase up with "You're not going to make me 'observation'!", and then when the physician tells you that he/she doesn't get to make that determination, angrily demand to speak with the person who can make that decision: NOW. Snap your fingers when you want something and scream "Nirrrrsse!" or "Dawwwktahhh!", completely ignoring the call button 8 inches from your right hand.

7. I will write (7) and (8) soon; I have some ideas, but they're not well-fleshed out yet. I need a break. My BP actually went up 30 points just writing this.

Take it away, SDN.

When driving on any of the (many) bridges in the state, be sure to drive nice and slowly in the passing lane. After all, that's the lane that's closest to the prettiest views of <insert coastal Florida city> and the ocean, and that's how you'll get the best pictures to post on Facebook and Instagram!

And then wonder why so many people are whizzing past you and flipping you off.
 
I have a question about #5. how do you get from the parking lot to the sand? I can honestly say I have never been to a beach, so I really don't know. I am hoping we can go one of these years, and I would like to not tick everybody off!
 
I have a question about #5. how do you get from the parking lot to the sand? I can honestly say I have never been to a beach, so I really don't know. I am hoping we can go one of these years, and I would like to not tick everybody off!
Wear flip flops or other foot wear. When you reach the beach remove footwear and enjoy sand. If the sand is hot rinse off your flip flops at one of the shower stations if they're excessively dirty

Sent from my Pixel XL using SDN mobile
 
that makes sense. I understand now. thank you!!
 
lol. I grew up in south florida.... this is one of the many reasons why I refused to return after residency. Isn't the litigation environment pretty nasty down there as well?
 
lol. I grew up in south florida.... this is one of the many reasons why I refused to return after residency. Isn't the litigation environment pretty nasty down there as well?

Just got word yesterday of "intent to initiate litigation" on a patient that I never even saw. Thanks, MLP!
 
The Canadian snowbirds are better behaved.
 
Just got word yesterday of "intent to initiate litigation" on a patient that I never even saw. Thanks, MLP!

Should eventually get dropped, sure you were the “supervising physician”, but you also were not consulted on the patient.
 
7.) Bring your New York/New Jersey tough guy bravado with you, and be sure to act self important and hostile to everyone trying to be polite to you. If someone approaches you as you sit in your car (say, to warn you that you're parked in the fire lane and are likely to be ticketed for $250)... first, refuse to roll down the window and give a hostile glare while you jut your chin outward and slightly upwards. Give your best "Ron Perlman in Sons of Anarchy" look. When you roll down the window (just a crack), yell something like "Yeeehh.Whaddayouwant!?" Be sure to decline any advice given to you with additional hostile language such as "T'anks, but I can look out fourh myself."

For the younger set visiting your grandparents... don't forget to be a walking stereotype as well. Track suits and guido gold chains are mandatory. Display your elaborate Catholic tattoos on your arms at all times, then give a confused look when a reference is made to common Catholic prayers. "Hail Mary? What's dat? Ain't no football game on now." "Act of Contrition? Is that when dah girl gets sideways and bends backw-?"
 
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For the younger set visiting your grandparents... don't forget to be a walking stereotype as well. Track suits and guido gold chains are mandatory. Display your elaborate Catholic tattoos on your arms at all times, then give a confused look when a reference is made to common Catholic prayers. "Hail Mary? What's dat? Ain't no football game on now." "Act of Contrition? Is that when dah girl gets sideways and bends backw-?"
Are you implying that Boondock Saints isn’t canonical?
 
The only thing good about Florida liability is that they have to file within 2 years.
 
Are you implying that Boondock Saints isn’t canonical?

Lol. At least they recite the prayers in the movie, I'm pretty sure.

I seriously engaged one of these idiot greaseball kids about his large Mother Mary-Inspired tattoo art one day. In passing, I said something about the Apostle's Creed. Pretty sure he thought I was referring to "the black guy from the Rocky movie" by the way he looked at me so confusedly.
 
Lol. At least they recite the prayers in the movie, I'm pretty sure.

I seriously engaged one of these idiot greaseball kids about his large Mother Mary-Inspired tattoo art one day. In passing, I said something about the Apostle's Creed. Pretty sure he thought I was referring to "the black guy from the Rocky movie" by the way he looked at me so confusedly.
Or wondering what the long standing war between the Templars and the Assassins had to do with his sweet-a$$ ink.
 
I’d like to drink with you.

Congratulations!

You're hitting 64-66 years old. You've worked "all your life" and are ready to retire! You're ready to start collecting social security income and join the throbbing hordes of seniors from the northeast/midwest and decide to ride out those cold, snowy winter months in Florida every year. You've got your (2nd home, condo, seasonal rental, RV park) all in line and you're all ready to go! Here's a short list of things to do while you're down here on the gulf coast that will ensure that everyone identifies you as a "snowbird", and will be sure to piss off every local resident!

1. When coming down for the "season", be sure to drive your biggest, most obnoxious SUV-style vehicle down here to a state that has a whole 30 feet of elevation change from coast to coast and doesn't see snow at all. That four-wheel drive will really come in handy when the temperature dips into the 50s and there isn't any rain to speak of. Make sure that you have a license plate frame that says something like " #1 YANKEES FAN" or "GO BOSOX" along with 2-4 decals to let us all know where you're from. Drive slowly and casually everywhere, because remember: "YOU'RE ON VACATION!" Give confused looks (with your mouth open) to everyone who passes you on the roads because they... *have to get to work*. Those poor, poor proles. They must have done something WRONG in their lives to not be like you. Maybe they should go to church more.

2. When driving that obnoxious SUV to the local grocery store; be sure to park it wherever the hell you want. Park in the fire lane? Sure. Park directly in front of the doors? Why not! Hell; just pull the effing thing into the store and drive up and down the aisles, grabbing bags of chips and bottles of cheap wine out of your driver's-side window. Nevermind the fact that there's an entire empty parking lot just ten yards away... you're retired and you've earned the right to do whatever the phuck you want, at any time, with no regard for anyone else. After all, you're fat and can't walk the thirty steps, but you'll tell the next ER doc that you're actually very active and walk "all the time". Don't even bother to put on the four-ways and leave a person in the car in case Fire/EMS shows up... just park it as close to the door as you can, because "you only need a few things and you'll be right out." When you come out to your tank parked in the emergency lane, be sure to spend 10-20 minutes talking about the Jets or Patriots with the other 6-10 New Englanders also parked ten inches apart from each other in front of the signs that read "NO PARKING! EMERGENCY VEHICLES ONLY!"

3. You're a senior from the northeast, so you're probably on at least 12 medications to control your hypertension, cholesterol, diabetes, thyroid, and other various disorders resulting from your decades of medical noncompliance. When showing up to the pharmacy to pick up your prescriptions, be sure to yell at the pharmacist (who has never seen you before, or hasn't seen you in 8 months) because your prescription drugs "aren't ready yet" or "cost a lot more than they do back up north". When the polite pharmacist asks you what medications you really need today (because he/she is trying to work with you to see to your immediate needs), be completely unable to name any of the medications that you take, their dose, schedule, or the reason for needing said medication. After all; "its all in the computer anyways", so they can figure it out in a jiff. Those 5 people lining up behind you can wait; you're the most important thing to ever drive from Great Neck to Sarasota several times now.

4. When dining out, be sure to loudly complain about how the (Italian/Chinese/Indian/whatever) food "isn't the same as it is back up north." Useful phrases include: "You can't get a good tomato down here"; "The seabass isn't as fresh as it would be on Long Island", and "these aren't the REAL Chinese people down here; they're all half-Cubans (sic) anyways". Give a condescending glare to the bartender when you order a drink that went out of fashion in 1982 (Grasshopper, Velvet hammer, Rusty Nail) and they can't make it just the way you remember it from your wall street days. Don't tip well; the staff has the privilege of learning from YOU. That's reward in and of itself. Tell them the story about how you knew Billy Joel's cousins back when he was playing small crowds for the eleventeeth time. They ALWAYS love that!

5. When going to the beach (which, you need to do a few token times while you're here just to say that you did) be sure to wear your shoes all over the sand. Drag the dirt, oil, milkshake drippings, brake fluid, and other asphalt-based scum from the parking lot and streets all over the fine sugar-white granules. Flick your cigarette butts in the sand, too. After all; you're the hottest 62 year old female with only three cosmetic surgeries that has come out of the tri-state area. Haven't these people seen "Real Housewives?" You couddabe on that show! Shout loudly in your gravelly voice about how humid it is, and how you'd rather be "back down-neck (or up-neck, or whateverneck) today". Please, don't let us stand in your way. Get right back in that SUV and get your 12 miles per gallon back up I-95. If you leave now, you can make the next Giants game.

6. Your generally poor health and denial of the need for lifestyle changes will invariably land you in the local ER. When you go; expect to be "admitted" so you that you don't have to pay for anything. Bring your suitcase, complete with 2 changes of clothes and various accoutrements. When asked if you have a local doctor, reply with: "Oh, I'm only down here 8 months a year, so I don't need one", or "Medical care isn't as good down here at it is up in Manhattan, so I don't trust these [Spanish] or [Foreign] doctors." Say things like: "You're going to ADMIT me, aren't you?" to the physician in your most condescending voice; as if I'm "not a good boy" if I don't ADMIT you. Follow that phrase up with "You're not going to make me 'observation'!", and then when the physician tells you that he/she doesn't get to make that determination, angrily demand to speak with the person who can make that decision: NOW. Snap your fingers when you want something and scream "Nirrrrsse!" or "Dawwwktahhh!", completely ignoring the call button 8 inches from your right hand.

7. I will write (7) and (8) soon; I have some ideas, but they're not well-fleshed out yet. I need a break. My BP actually went up 30 points just writing this.

Take it away, SDN.
 
Congratulations!

You're hitting 64-66 years old. You've worked "all your life" and are ready to retire! You're ready to start collecting social security income and join the throbbing hordes of seniors from the northeast/midwest and decide to ride out those cold, snowy winter months in Florida every year. You've got your (2nd home, condo, seasonal rental, RV park) all in line and you're all ready to go! Here's a short list of things to do while you're down here on the gulf coast that will ensure that everyone identifies you as a "snowbird", and will be sure to piss off every local resident!

1. When coming down for the "season", be sure to drive your biggest, most obnoxious SUV-style vehicle down here to a state that has a whole 30 feet of elevation change from coast to coast and doesn't see snow at all. That four-wheel drive will really come in handy when the temperature dips into the 50s and there isn't any rain to speak of. Make sure that you have a license plate frame that says something like " #1 YANKEES FAN" or "GO BOSOX" along with 2-4 decals to let us all know where you're from. Drive slowly and casually everywhere, because remember: "YOU'RE ON VACATION!" Give confused looks (with your mouth open) to everyone who passes you on the roads because they... *have to get to work*. Those poor, poor proles. They must have done something WRONG in their lives to not be like you. Maybe they should go to church more.

2. When driving that obnoxious SUV to the local grocery store; be sure to park it wherever the hell you want. Park in the fire lane? Sure. Park directly in front of the doors? Why not! Hell; just pull the effing thing into the store and drive up and down the aisles, grabbing bags of chips and bottles of cheap wine out of your driver's-side window. Nevermind the fact that there's an entire empty parking lot just ten yards away... you're retired and you've earned the right to do whatever the phuck you want, at any time, with no regard for anyone else. After all, you're fat and can't walk the thirty steps, but you'll tell the next ER doc that you're actually very active and walk "all the time". Don't even bother to put on the four-ways and leave a person in the car in case Fire/EMS shows up... just park it as close to the door as you can, because "you only need a few things and you'll be right out." When you come out to your tank parked in the emergency lane, be sure to spend 10-20 minutes talking about the Jets or Patriots with the other 6-10 New Englanders also parked ten inches apart from each other in front of the signs that read "NO PARKING! EMERGENCY VEHICLES ONLY!"

3. You're a senior from the northeast, so you're probably on at least 12 medications to control your hypertension, cholesterol, diabetes, thyroid, and other various disorders resulting from your decades of medical noncompliance. When showing up to the pharmacy to pick up your prescriptions, be sure to yell at the pharmacist (who has never seen you before, or hasn't seen you in 8 months) because your prescription drugs "aren't ready yet" or "cost a lot more than they do back up north". When the polite pharmacist asks you what medications you really need today (because he/she is trying to work with you to see to your immediate needs), be completely unable to name any of the medications that you take, their dose, schedule, or the reason for needing said medication. After all; "its all in the computer anyways", so they can figure it out in a jiff. Those 5 people lining up behind you can wait; you're the most important thing to ever drive from Great Neck to Sarasota several times now.

4. When dining out, be sure to loudly complain about how the (Italian/Chinese/Indian/whatever) food "isn't the same as it is back up north." Useful phrases include: "You can't get a good tomato down here"; "The seabass isn't as fresh as it would be on Long Island", and "these aren't the REAL Chinese people down here; they're all half-Cubans (sic) anyways". Give a condescending glare to the bartender when you order a drink that went out of fashion in 1982 (Grasshopper, Velvet hammer, Rusty Nail) and they can't make it just the way you remember it from your wall street days. Don't tip well; the staff has the privilege of learning from YOU. That's reward in and of itself. Tell them the story about how you knew Billy Joel's cousins back when he was playing small crowds for the eleventeeth time. They ALWAYS love that!

5. When going to the beach (which, you need to do a few token times while you're here just to say that you did) be sure to wear your shoes all over the sand. Drag the dirt, oil, milkshake drippings, brake fluid, and other asphalt-based scum from the parking lot and streets all over the fine sugar-white granules. Flick your cigarette butts in the sand, too. After all; you're the hottest 62 year old female with only three cosmetic surgeries that has come out of the tri-state area. Haven't these people seen "Real Housewives?" You couddabe on that show! Shout loudly in your gravelly voice about how humid it is, and how you'd rather be "back down-neck (or up-neck, or whateverneck) today". Please, don't let us stand in your way. Get right back in that SUV and get your 12 miles per gallon back up I-95. If you leave now, you can make the next Giants game.

6. Your generally poor health and denial of the need for lifestyle changes will invariably land you in the local ER. When you go; expect to be "admitted" so you that you don't have to pay for anything. Bring your suitcase, complete with 2 changes of clothes and various accoutrements. When asked if you have a local doctor, reply with: "Oh, I'm only down here 8 months a year, so I don't need one", or "Medical care isn't as good down here at it is up in Manhattan, so I don't trust these [Spanish] or [Foreign] doctors." Say things like: "You're going to ADMIT me, aren't you?" to the physician in your most condescending voice; as if I'm "not a good boy" if I don't ADMIT you. Follow that phrase up with "You're not going to make me 'observation'!", and then when the physician tells you that he/she doesn't get to make that determination, angrily demand to speak with the person who can make that decision: NOW. Snap your fingers when you want something and scream "Nirrrrsse!" or "Dawwwktahhh!", completely ignoring the call button 8 inches from your right hand.

7. I will write (7) and (8) soon; I have some ideas, but they're not well-fleshed out yet. I need a break. My BP actually went up 30 points just writing this.

Take it away, SDN.
Where I live, we have the Halfbacks. So, 1-6 are pretty much all the same, except #7 is them constantly complaining about how hot Florida was and that it's the reason they had to move half way back home.
 
7.) Bring your New York/New Jersey tough guy bravado with you, and be sure to act self important and hostile to everyone trying to be polite to you. If someone approaches you as you sit in your car (say, to warn you that you're parked in the fire lane and are likely to be ticketed for $250)... first, refuse to roll down the window and give a hostile glare while you jut your chin outward and slightly upwards. Give your best "Ron Perlman in Sons of Anarchy" look. When you roll down the window (just a crack), yell something like "Yeeehh.Whaddayouwant!?" Be sure to decline any advice given to you with additional hostile language such as "T'anks, but I can look out fourh myself."

For the younger set visiting your grandparents... don't forget to be a walking stereotype as well. Track suits and guido gold chains are mandatory. Display your elaborate Catholic tattoos on your arms at all times, then give a confused look when a reference is made to common Catholic prayers. "Hail Mary? What's dat? Ain't no football game on now." "Act of Contrition? Is that when dah girl gets sideways and bends backw-?"
#8 Complain about how terrible it is here and that it's not like "up North" because there's no culture while at the same time, saying you won't move back because up North was "terribler."
 
I’d like to drink with you.

Thanks. I can't drink all that much anymore because I'm old. Just looking at an IPA gives me GERD. Its lite beers from here on out for me. I used to drink the darkest, hairiest, thickest stuff. Those days are done.

RustedFox Rants: Going to the movie theater will come soon.
 
"You're hitting 64-66 years old. You've worked "all your life" and are ready to retire! You're ready to start collecting social security income and join the throbbing hordes of seniors from the northeast/midwest and decide to ride out those cold, snowy winter months in Florida every year. You've got your (2nd home, condo, seasonal rental, RV park) all in line and you're all ready to go! Here's a short list of things to do while you're down here on the gulf coast that will ensure that everyone identifies you as a "snowbird", and will be sure to piss off every local resident!"


Surprised you wrote this in June...they're usually peak obnoxious in April. An whoever said something about Canadians, though they are generally nicer, they're annoying in their own way.

Here are some important ED rules on how to be a snowbird:

1) No I don't know Dr Finkelstein, or whoever, who was your cardiothoracic/L knee orthopedist/World's best pulmonologist on Long Island/the world. No I'm not calling him for your chest pain rule-out that I'm going to admit you for anyways. He's not going to answer anyways, and even if he did, he's not going to remember you from Adam. I can manage your angina just fine.

2) As a general rule, if you're going to live 7 months away from your "home", and you have serious medical diseases, you really need a local primary doctor/cardiologist/oncologist/surgeon. And contrary to what you think, the following are serious medical diseases: CAD, CHF, Afib, COPD, Diabetes, amputation, trach/stoma, cancer, anti-coagulated for anything, multiple abdominal surgeries with ostomy, stroke. Especially CABG, no you are not fixed or fine.

3) Dear Canadian patient: I do not know how much your treatment costs, even if I do, by law I can't tell you how much it costs. No I won't call the Candian Nursing line to ask if I should order a CT after you busted your head open and are bleeding everywhere while you happen to be on Coumadin, though you are welcome to sign a refusal or I'll just do what I want after you start herniating and go into coma.

4) If you are new to the area, and have anything in #2, please have some kind of med records/d/c papers, meds available. No I don't have a magical computer that connects to Springfield general in Ohio that explains why you were in the hospital for 2 months 1 month before you decided to come down to Florida w/o a local doctor. A piece of paper with general medical problems will work fine for now.

5) I understand they discharged you from hospital 36 hours ago, but maybe you should have just stuck around your "home" an extra week rather than pack into your Toyota Corolla and drive down 26 hrs through freezing temperatures while smoking in a small car and then wonder why you aren't better. Also, see rule #4, I don't know why they admitted you to Springfield regional, or why you have that big scar on your abdomen that is now oozing green stuff.

6) Please don't live in Florida for 6 months, then come into ED in April decompensating b/c you ran out of your 17 medications b/c you didn't follow rule #2. I will admit you, I'm not going to sift through your individual problems. No I don't know if it's obs or inpatient, your option is admission or AMA, that's as much as I do. That's great that you're going back in 6 weeks, that's not going to be adequate follow up for me to discharge you.

7) No, I will not fill your 3 narcotics, even if you are withdrawing. See rule #2
 
4) If you are new to the area, and have anything in #2, please have some kind of med records/d/c papers, meds available. No I don't have a magical computer that connects to Springfield general in Ohio that explains why you were in the hospital for 2 months 1 month before you decided to come down to Florida w/o a local doctor. A piece of paper with general medical problems will work fine for now.

I do actually say, to the right patient, on occasion:

"No, sir - I can't get into your computer records back at [mass gen/mayo/whatever]. That's a cybercrime."
 
Senior Driving Guide:

1. Take 2 percocets (sic), and forget to take your Alzheimer's medication. Xanax is a plus/minus depending on how much of a challenge you're looking for today. Don't forget those percocets, though.

2. Find those yuuuge box shaped sunglasses that look like they're out of a low-budget sci-fi movie from the 80s. Put them on crookedly.

3. Get behind the wheel of the biggest SUV.

4. Drive slowly, somewhere. Keep your mouth open at all times to let your denture adhesive dry. Bonus points awarded if you can remember where you meant to go in the first place. Stay at least 6 mph below the posted speed limit. After all; you're not in a hurry.

5. Use ALL lanes. Don't signal. Be sure to take up at least half of the opposite lane when turning left or right to freak out other people who CAN remember where they're headed. Take the WIIDESST turns that you can, coming as close to the front-ends of stopped vehicles as possible.

6. Once you're totally lost AND have no idea where you were headed (if you had any to begin with) find the nearest police officer, who will call EMS and bring you to the ER for "altered mental status".

7. Repeat steps 1 thru 6 until you die.
 
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3) Dear Canadian patient: I do not know how much your treatment costs, even if I do, by law I can't tell you how much it costs. No I won't call the Candian Nursing line to ask if I should order a CT after you busted your head open and are bleeding everywhere while you happen to be on Coumadin, though you are welcome to sign a refusal or I'll just do what I want after you start herniating and go into coma.
You can talk to them about costs after medical screening exam, just not before. I promise. They still have the option of refusing.
 
Necro-bump;

So, Mrs. Medic and I are in Key West for her birthday. The snowbirds are everywhere! Wobbling their way down the middle of the street on rented bicycles or mopeds. Packed 6-8 deep on golf carts. Stuck in line behind them as they bitch and moan about everything. Hearing them gripe and demand in restaurants.

I had the bright idea of cold-calling the ED's here to see who has the contract. We love the idea of moving to the keys after TH is done with me and the student loans are paid off. Then, I thought about it and remembered this thread...
 
Necro-bump;

So, Mrs. Medic and I are in Key West for her birthday. The snowbirds are everywhere! Wobbling their way down the middle of the street on rented bicycles or mopeds. Packed 6-8 deep on golf carts. Stuck in line behind them as they bitch and moan about everything. Hearing them gripe and demand in restaurants.

I had the bright idea of cold-calling the ED's here to see who has the contract. We love the idea of moving to the keys after TH is done with me and the student loans are paid off. Then, I thought about it and remembered this thread...

It's true.
We have the worst and most entitled seniors.
My wife has a paternal grandpa in Italy who is 80something and goes diving for scallops/clams/etc almost daily. Pulls the boat out to his spot, secures the boat himself when he is done.

Our seniors can't even walk.
Our seniors demand to eat every meal at McDonalds and demand free coffee and a discount.
Our seniors park their SUVs in the fire lane outside of grocery stores and leave it there because "they only need 12 things and will be right out".


I hate it.


You see these legs? USE THEM!
 
You see these legs? USE THEM!

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"And here I am! Using my own legs....like a sucker!" - Homer Simpson
 
It's true.

When there's a line of wheelchairs numbering 8+ to get on an airplane, and they CAN walk, but don't.....


There's a problem.

What happened to seniors being fonts of wisdom and self reliance?

This is America. Our new seniors only know 24-hour news networks and that someone better come change their diaper. Now.

Ask a senior why Trotsky was killed. They'll ask you if he played in the NFL and had "that concussion brain disease thing."

Pathetic.

Stop the world. I want to get off.
 
Ask a senior why Trotsky was killed. They'll ask you if he played in the NFL and had "that concussion brain disease thing."


Er, that just might be the dementia setting in....




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
It's true.

When there's a line of wheelchairs numbering 8+ to get on an airplane, and they CAN walk, but don't.....


There's a problem.

What happened to seniors being fonts of wisdom and self reliance?

This is America. Our new seniors only know 24-hour news networks and that someone better come change their diaper. Now.

Ask a senior why Trotsky was killed. They'll ask you if he played in the NFL and had "that concussion brain disease thing."

Pathetic.

Stop the world. I want to get off.

But you get to board your assigned seat faster that way!
 
not all seniors are that way. six months after bilateral knee replacement, my hubby (and I) practically sprinted from one side of DFW to the other (with a tram ride in between) to make a flight. There are 8 of us that are friends, I am the "baby" of the group, and the oldest just turned 77. we stay active, and try not to be complaining or in the way. Unfortunately we do have other friends that have just given up. Sometimes I think that having a longer lifespan is not necessarily a good thing.
 
Unfortunately we do have other friends that have just given up. Sometimes I think that having a longer lifespan is not necessarily a good thing.

A long lifespan is a good thing as long as you are physically active and independent towards the end. Unfortunately Americans, and our medical system are content to prolong people's lives in a state of living death. The patients we see in the ED are not the healthy, happy grandparents you see on drug commercial who are out playing tennis. They don't go to the ER. We see the immobile blobs of flesh who keep stuffing their fat faces, and won't lift a finger to improve their health, or participate in their care.
 
"Immobile blobs of flesh" may be my phrase of the week if you don't mind...
 
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