SAHM with husband in residency

[MamaBlue]

Hello All!

I am looking to see if any of you have had hard times during your spouse's residency and how you dealt with it. I am a SAHM of three young kids and my husband is in his second year of his residency. We have fallen into a pattern that makes me feel like a second-class citizen at home: I cook, clean, take care of the kids, do laundry and do every other thing related to the house. He comes home between 5-6, eats dinner, plays with the kids then calls it a day - he watches movies (with or without me) reads, or just goes directly to bed.

Our sex life is suffering and it's creating a great deal of tension between us. I feel spread out to thin already and can't really give him that emotional support; he feels like we don't connect unless we are sexually active. I also don't ever feel like having sex with him when he hasn't done dishes, laundry or anything else to contribute to the general maintenance of the house. Am I crazy? Any advice? HELP!

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[dotdash]

That sounds very hard. My husband is an intern, and I often feel that second-class citizenship because I am generally in charge of all home-related work. But something that makes it bearable is that he is working as hard or harder than I am. If I were killing myself with housework and kids and he were coming home at 6 and watching movies or reading a book -- yikes! I would NOT be able to handle that. You should talk to him and explain how this makes you feel. When you have 3 small kids, ending ones work day at 5 or 6 is unrealistic for either partner. My husband and I have an unwritten rule: if we're both around, whoever didn't cook does the dishes.

One practical suggestion: I find that laundry is a good task for my husband. He can do it whenever he's around, he can study and then stop to switch loads, etc. If it piles up a bit while he's particularly busy, oh well. Plus when I complain about other things, he gets to brag that he does *all* the laundry, which is a face-saver for him.

Re sex: Yes, ones sex life does suffer with young children. You probably *are* spread too thin, emotionally, having small children who depend on you for everything. However, to a first approximation, he will not understand this. I think most couples with small children go through this, and it's inevitable that it should cause some friction. Since he won't understand it, the two of you will just have to get through it -- you will have sex more than you feel comes easily and he will have less than he would like. And then, in five years, when your little kids are older and you both are less pressed, you will have a great sex life again. It's just a difficult time.

There is a book around (you can find it at Uncommon Goods) called, I think, Porno for Women. It shows a man vacuuming with a baby on his hip. Maybe this book would be a good hint for him?

 

[jvesco22]

Hello All!

I am looking to see if any of you have had hard times during your spouse's residency and how you dealt with it. I am a SAHM of three young kids and my husband is in his second year of his residency. We have fallen into a pattern that makes me feel like a second-class citizen at home: I cook, clean, take care of the kids, do laundry and do every other thing related to the house. He comes home between 5-6, eats dinner, plays with the kids then calls it a day - he watches movies (with or without me) reads, or just goes directly to bed.

Our sex life is suffering and it's creating a great deal of tension between us. I feel spread out to thin already and can't really give him that emotional support; he feels like we don't connect unless we are sexually active. I also don't ever feel like having sex with him when he hasn't done dishes, laundry or anything else to contribute to the general maintenance of the house. Am I crazy? Any advice? HELP!

Once you start using sex as a weapon so to speak, that's where the real problems will start. Don't be surprised if he cheats on you...

The best thing for you to do is start communicating with him. It's obvious that communication is lacking. Sit down and have a big talk with him, letting him know how you feel. Make times/dates where one day you guys PLAN on watching a movie/going out TOGETHER.

But please DO NOT USE SEX AS A WEAPON. It will only make things worse.

 

[xanthines]

In my situation, I'm the guy at home doing the laundry, cleaning, housework etc (no kids, though) while the intern works all day, so I know a little bit about how you feel.

You should tell him how you feel when you get to a nice, calm state of mind. On a nice day where everything has gone well and no incidents have made you pull your hair out. You managed to get housework done early because the kids behaved and nothing happened, so you had a minute or two get calm. That's the ideal time. It's hard to talk things out like this with someone when your emotions are getting the best of you. Calmly and gently telling him how feel (in a non-judgemental way) will go a lot further than bitching out session.

I believe dotdash hit the nail on the head when she says that interns and residents are working very very hard. Try to understand their work life is not a picnic at all. You're not likely to get much sympathy from them all you do is complain about how hard it is for you. You should try to convey the message that small changes in his behavior would make you happy and that when you're happy, he's likely to be happier as well. It's not an easy task, but I think that's the approach that has worked the best so far.

Basically, no one likes getting yelled at. Your SO is getting enough of that at work!

Good luck!

-X

 

[Eta Carinae]

I get the general feeling you may have been grossly unaware of the realities of being married to a physician in training. A lot of women are enamored of what they perceive to be the "prestige" of being married to someone with an MD. It never ceases to amaze me just how unprepared these (men and women both but more women it seems) women seem to be for the harsh realities of being married to someone whose priority will ALWAYS be his patients. He has no say in that.

I'm married to a surgeon myself and I realize that I will always be wife #3.

Wife #1 = work
Wife #2 = gym (ortho; what can I say)
Wife #3 = yours truly

However, I was prepared for that reality and that was what I signed up for. Case in point I gave up a year of training to accommodate his schedule while he was completing residency (that'll take a whole book to explain) and opted for a research year instead.

 

[Eta Carinae]

Your best bet would be to find other women in your situation and form a support group.

As a fourth year med student, I sought out a group like this. There were three of us, all female med students, all married or engaged to an orthopedics resident. The one thing we came to terms with together was the reality of what WE SIGNED UP FOR. We came to terms with the fact that for the most part, our S.O.'s would simply be sperm donors and may not have as much flexibility to contribute much domestically as we would like. But that was something we had to live with.

You cannot begin to imagine the amount of stress your husband is under and although you may be reluctant to do so, consider placing yourself in his shoes for once. The last thing you would want is a bickering spouse.

 

[Eta Carinae]

Perhaps my approach is far too conservative, but I believe the onus is on you to be as much of a support for him as possible. I personally think you are fortunate to be able to stay home with the kids instead of having to also work. There are lots of married women who take care of ALL the domestic chores and the kids single-handedly IN ADDITION TO working outside the home.

And I apologize if I sound harsh, that's not my intention. I hope you understand that for many physicians in training, very little is actually within our control.

 

[jinx520]

OP, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you need to make development of your own person a priority. Believe me, I know how hard it is to stay at home with young kids, isolated and busy doing the chores, while my husband was gone all day. When he got home, I would pounce on him, expect him to take over with the kids, and give me stimulating adult conversation. He grew to resent it.

My advice is to investigate resources in your community where you can get your needs met without your husband. If you go to church, perhaps some teens in your youth group can come over and do the housework/watch the kids once in a while so you can do something for yourself. Look into state-funded resources, such as free pre-school daycare. Even look for play groups where you can bring the kids along yet still have some adult conversation. Join a book club. Take some classes. Make arrangements to go out once a week with a girlfriend to watch a movie or something. Do something for YOU that is JUST for you. Don't feel guilty about doing this, because ultimately it is for your family's sake. If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy.

You will find that the resentment of "not having a life" will go away, and be more supportive and receptive to your hubby. He, in turn, will respond positively to the kinder, gentler you.

 

[dotdash]

I believe that everyone needs to develop their own life and the OP should be supportive of her husband, but there were some red flags in that post that recent posters seem to have glossed over.

He comes home at 5-6 and expects to do no more work that day. How does anyone with 3 small children think that their work day should end at 5 or 6? That's crazy talk. He doesn't sound overworked; he sounds out of touch with his family.

So, yes, OP -- get some help! Get some babysitting if that is what it takes. But also have some straight talk with your husband about how he can make this a happier time for you both. He has both the right and responsibility to know how his behavior affects you.

(nosy question: Is he American born? And I ask that just to clarify what you husband's expectations may be of his role. My Japanese sister-in-law says even my lamentably-little-houseworking-doing brother is better than the average Japanese man she could have married.)

 

[petyr_baelish]

You sound like you have a lot of resentment. Whatever you choose to do, make sure you approach it level-headed and calmly. You obviously care about your marriage. Try to find real people to talk it over with if you haven't already, even a therapist if you don't have anyone you want to discuss this with. It couldn't hurt, but I'm newly married so it's easy for me to say all this. Anyway... good luck.