Husband is starting to get disappointed

[YellowTurtle]

Hey all. I'm an MS3 who has been very undecided all throughout medical so far about deciding which specialty I will apply for in the match. I've always shied away from surgery because my marriage and my mental sanity are my highest priorities and I need balance in my life outside of work. I know many surgeons will say that it's "doable" and that you can "make time". But I have always thought that it would just be easier if I chose literally anything else.

I always thought that I could at least do internal medicine. But I just finished my clerkship in internal medicine and I wanted to blow my brains out every day with how much I hated it. It's not at all an option for me anymore to do IM.

So ... here I am now. Two weeks into surgery and absolutely loving it. We have 24 hour call at my school and this is the first time I have actually *looked forward* to call days. Almost every day when I leave I'm almost sad that I have to and I can't wait to come back every day. It's exciting for me because I feel like I have found "my calling" and/or "my people".

However, and here is why I am posting in this forum, my husband hates it. He has been the most supportive spouse I could ask for all 2.5 years of med school so far. He has supported me and picked up the slack in so many ways without complaining. He has always said that he's ok with whatever I choose as long as I'm happy. .... but in the last two weeks we have hardly seen each other and it's getting to him. When I ask him what if I did surgery he says things like he doesn't want it to take me away from him. And I'm even LESS available than I already have been these first two years that it's bothering him. I've always said I don't want to be married to my job. But I'm starting to feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. I almost don't want to tell him about the exciting things that happened in my day because I feel guilty that I like surgery now.

Has anybody gone through something like this? Any advice on how I can get my husband to see how exciting this is for me? We have a happy marriage, I just think it's hard for him to understand my life sometimes since his career is something completely non-medicine related. Any comments/advice would be appreciated. I'm trying to both see his side of things but at the same time I don't want to give up on something that I've worked so hard for and is where I feel I belong.

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[lymphocyte]

Hey all. I'm an MS3 who has been very undecided all throughout medical so far about deciding which specialty I will apply for in the match. I've always shied away from surgery because my marriage and my mental sanity are my highest priorities and I need balance in my life outside of work. I know many surgeons will say that it's "doable" and that you can "make time". But I have always thought that it would just be easier if I chose literally anything else.

I always thought that I could at least do internal medicine. But I just finished my clerkship in internal medicine and I wanted to blow my brains out every day with how much I hated it. It's not at all an option for me anymore to do IM.

So ... here I am now. Two weeks into surgery and absolutely loving it. We have 24 hour call at my school and this is the first time I have actually *looked forward* to call days. Almost every day when I leave I'm almost sad that I have to and I can't wait to come back every day. It's exciting for me because I feel like I have found "my calling" and/or "my people".

However, and here is why I am posting in this forum, my husband hates it. He has been the most supportive spouse I could ask for all 2.5 years of med school so far. He has supported me and picked up the slack in so many ways without complaining. He has always said that he's ok with whatever I choose as long as I'm happy. .... but in the last two weeks we have hardly seen each other and it's getting to him. When I ask him what if I did surgery he says things like he doesn't want it to take me away from him. And I'm even LESS available than I already have been these first two years that it's bothering him. I've always said I don't want to be married to my job. But I'm starting to feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. I almost don't want to tell him about the exciting things that happened in my day because I feel guilty that I like surgery now.

Has anybody gone through something like this? Any advice on how I can get my husband to see how exciting this is for me? We have a happy marriage, I just think it's hard for him to understand my life sometimes since his career is something completely non-medicine related. Any comments/advice would be appreciated. I'm trying to both see his side of things but at the same time I don't want to give up on something that I've worked so hard for and is where I feel I belong.

You are 2 weeks into surgery, a career that's a 30+ year commitment. Perhaps it's best to give it some time, especially as the infatuation wears off. If you still "absolutely love it," then your husband needs to know exactly what surgery will entail. I think a career decision this important should be made with some mutual consideration. (Though maybe that means picking a lower-volume programme or something.)

You say "marriage and my mental sanity are my highest priorities," but it doesn't sound that way when you conclude by writing "I don't want to give up on something that I've worked so hard for and is where I feel I belong." Maybe, and only maybe, those goals are inconsistent. What really are your highest priorities?

I thought this was a good thread on the topic: http://forums.studentdoctor.net/thr...alance-possible-once-be-bc-attending.1217943/

 

[Pixiwoman]

You are 2 weeks into surgery, a career that's a 30+ year commitment. Perhaps it's best to give it some time, especially as the infatuation wears off. If you still "absolutely love it," then your husband needs to know exactly what surgery will entail. I might be a little old-school, but I think a career decision this important should be made with some mutual consideration. (Though maybe that means picking a lower-volume programme or something.)

You say "marriage and my mental sanity are my highest priorities," but it doesn't sound that way when you conclude by writing "I don't want to give up on something that I've worked so hard for and is where I feel I belong." Maybe, and only maybe, those goals are inconsistent. What really are your highest priorities?

I thought this was a good thread on the topic: http://forums.studentdoctor.net/thr...alance-possible-once-be-bc-attending.1217943/

Remember, your marriage should be the most important thing even though you have worked so hard for your professional life because... if you are not happy emotionally it will reflect in your professional life

 

[J ROD]

I disagree. If he truly loves and supports you, he will support you in picking the field you want. Remember you have to go and do this work everyday for many years. Residency is hard itself and far worse if you are miserable.

I have read on here for many years and have seen several examples where folks chose what they think they should instead of what they want and still lose the relationship. It sounds bad but you have to be selfish in this choice. It is far to important. Career and marriage is hard.

But, tell me how well the marriage will be when you start resenting him for "making you" pick another specialty. So, I suggest you pick what you want and try and make it work. Hopefully, he can come around and see. But, it is hard for folks to understand the hell we go through. I have a deal with my wife we talk about work stuff a little and that's it. Focus on life and other stuff when we can. Make the time count.

 

[deleted480308]

As an adult you get to set your priorities. But you need to be honest about choosing career over marriage if you go against a spouse's wishes here.

 

[Mad Jack]

Remember, your marriage should be the most important thing even though you have worked so hard for your professional life because... if you are not happy emotionally it will reflect in your professional life

Eh, she can't throw herself into a miserable career for the rest of her life just for the sake of maybe making her marriage alright. I'm gonna have to say- see if you can make it work while doing what you love. If not, move on. Unless there are kids involved, in which case, you should probably compromise.

If you go the route of picking a job you hate just to avoid upsetting your husband, the resentment will probably run thick enough to make your marriage miserable anyway.

 

[Pixiwoman]

Eh, she can't throw herself into a miserable career for the rest of her life just for the sake of maybe making her marriage alright. I'm gonna have to say- see if you can make it work while doing what you love. If not, move on. Unless there are kids involved, in which case, you should probably compromise.

If you go the route of picking a job you hate just to avoid upsetting your husband, the resentment will probably run thick enough to make your marriage miserable anyway.

Yes, I agree, resentment can be a great burden in marriage and more in this already very stressful career

 

[theseeker4]

Interesting to see the different responses with some saying your spouse should come first and some saying your career should come first. It is interesting because both are right. You have to decide for yourself whether your marriage comes first, or your job comes first. Are you willing to lose your husband to become a surgeon? If so, choose surgery. Are you willing to compromise what specialty you choose to give your marriage its best chance at lasting? If so, choose something else (lots of other options than surgery vs IM by the way). No one on here can say you are making the right or wrong choice, whichever way you go. Yes, if you dont do surgery you might grow to resent your husband, but if sacrificing something for your relationship will lead to resentment, you probably dont' have the strongest relationship to begin with, and it is likely to fail in some other way anyway. Yes, if you do surgery your husband might resent you, but just as above, if sacrifice is going to kill your marriage, it is probably already terminal.

At the same time, has he already sacrificed a ton for your career? Do you feel that it is his duty as a husband to support you whatever you choose, so that you can pursue your dreams, without considering his, without considering what he is giving up and what he wants? Would you support him if his goals forced you to NOT get to do what you want with your life? If he asked you to sacrifice something you loved so he could do what he loved, would you be supportive of him, or resentful?

Really it comes down to asking yourself is your marriage worth choosing a less demanding specialty? It is true that marriages can and do fall apart even when both people are truly willing to sacrifice for one another, but no one can predict the future and you have to make the best choice you can, now, based on what you know, not what might end up happening down the road.

 

[mercaptovizadeh]

You have a good marriage. Don't throw it away for variety of medicine that you may or may not be a good fit for. It sounds like you enjoy procedures. I would look into some of the lighter surgical subspecialties which can be tailored to ultimately a better lifestyle (e.g. ophtho, ENT, urology) or consider an IM subspecialty, such as GI. There may be fellowships out of general surgery such as MIS or breast that can allow for a "lighter" career subsequently. These can become largely office based without frequent call and unpredictable hours but will still let you enjoy the "working with your hands" aspects that many of us enjoyed on our surgical rotation.

One other thing I would do is take a look at female surgeons, how many are married, how many have children, how many have been divorced, how many barely know their kids because nannies are running the show, etc. It may be helpful in deciding how compatible a surgery career is in general with a personal life, especially for a woman.

 

[Master Crane]

As someone who also has a great marriage and absolutely loves surgery, I agree with the suggestion that you may want to research for a relative light surgery career.

 

[deleted343839]

Don't borrow trouble. You're still early in the game. Do consider alternatives such as more procedure-heavy specialties, as others have suggested. I know several proceduralists who seem to have good work/life balance.

I once worked in the medical student counseling service for a medical school and saw a fair number of couples. You might think about marital therapy if you can't seem to come to some kind of mutual understanding. But again, it's probably a bit early for that. Don't go borrowing trouble.

 

[DrfluffyMD]

My reply is going to be a bit different. I am a resident who is dating a surgery intern so I can give you some perspective. Some of this is very personal but I think it will be helpful.

As a background, I strongly prefer to date a physician because of shared common experience. I enjoy talking about medicine all the time and taking my work at home sometimes. You may not be that person so take my advice with a grain of salt. I actually always wanted to date a surgeon.

My girlfriend works about 80 hours a week, I work about 60 and about 3 years ahead of her in training. We are both in long residency programs. We started dating a few month ago.

You must be ok with post call dates. Dates where your partner is delirious and completely nonfunctional (consent is important! There are times when she falls asleep as we are speaking).

Efficiency is important, as there is simply no time to do things many couples considered as staple. For example, we cannot take any trips together because our day offs don't tend to align for more than two days except once this year.

Is your husband ok with the idea of only seeing you for an hour a day? Is he ok with the idea of not being able to be intimate for more than once a week and sometimes longer than that because you will be too tired? Is he ok with the idea of doing a lot of house work?

I am ok with those things because I've experienced a tough internship first hand. I know how tired she must be so I don't get angry when she falls asleep as we speak. I know how stressed out she can be so I am fully capable of entertaining myself for a week. I don't get jealous if she have to study for the ABSITE.

It maybe more difficult for you and your family as your husband may not understand the demand first hand. He may notice the cool trips that his friends and their partners are taking, and may feel sad about it.

I do think it's doable however. Anything can be overcame when love is there.

 

[YellowTurtle]

Thank you all for the great responses! I have read all of them and really appreciate the time and thought and insight written in your posts. Just as a quick update ... I wrote this post when I was early in my surgical rotation. The hubsters was a bit miffed at the change in my schedule, however, over time he could see how much happier I was when coming home, even when exhausted, which, interestingly made our home life a more positive environment. (Please don't attack my overuse of commas - I am aware). Anyways, he quickly became used to my hours and is again completely supportive of me going into a career that I would love. We are always working on communication in our marriage and this gave us an opportunity to grow more. We've started talking about what our future will look like when/if I'm a surgeon. Finished my rotation and am about 80% sure that I'm going to apply surgery! Yay! I've talked with/seen many female surgeons that are happy with the way their career and home/family life are balanced. That said, any female surgeons with or w/o children out there that are willing to field questions from a med student? Always looking for a variety of opinions. Me and the hubsters still aren't decided on if we even want kids, but I suppose time will tell.

You must be ok with post call dates. Dates where your partner is delirious and completely nonfunctional (consent is important! There are times when she falls asleep as we are speaking).

Is your husband ok with the idea of only seeing you for an hour a day? Is he ok with the idea of not being able to be intimate for more than once a week and sometimes longer than that because you will be too tired? Is he ok with the idea of doing a lot of house work?

Something I forgot to leave out in my original post is that he is a police officer who works night shifts. So the issue of having different schedules is something we've already become wellllll-acquainted with. Post-call dates, 1-hour-a-day days, sleeping alone, never having normal weekends are all things that we are already practiced on. Perhaps, if you will, his career has somewhat prepared us for when my career (finally) starts.

I do think it's doable however. Anything can be overcame when love is there.

Couldn't agree more my friend <3

 

[DrfluffyMD]

I am glad that things are working out and he's supportive. Just gave you a prospective, I have not been able to spend longer than half an hour with my gf since about 2 weeks ago (we usually try to see each other every night), this is because of my schedule is also erratic. Is it easy for him to line his schedule up with yours? If that's possible it'll be alot more doable

 

[ThoracicGuy]

Thank you all for the great responses! I have read all of them and really appreciate the time and thought and insight written in your posts. Just as a quick update ... I wrote this post when I was early in my surgical rotation. The hubsters was a bit miffed at the change in my schedule, however, over time he could see how much happier I was when coming home, even when exhausted, which, interestingly made our home life a more positive environment. (Please don't attack my overuse of commas - I am aware). Anyways, he quickly became used to my hours and is again completely supportive of me going into a career that I would love. We are always working on communication in our marriage and this gave us an opportunity to grow more. We've started talking about what our future will look like when/if I'm a surgeon. Finished my rotation and am about 80% sure that I'm going to apply surgery! Yay! I've talked with/seen many female surgeons that are happy with the way their career and home/family life are balanced. That said, any female surgeons with or w/o children out there that are willing to field questions from a med student? Always looking for a variety of opinions. Me and the hubsters still aren't decided on if we even want kids, but I suppose time will tell.





Something I forgot to leave out in my original post is that he is a police officer who works night shifts. So the issue of having different schedules is something we've already become wellllll-acquainted with. Post-call dates, 1-hour-a-day days, sleeping alone, never having normal weekends are all things that we are already practiced on. Perhaps, if you will, his career has somewhat prepared us for when my career (finally) starts.



Couldn't agree more my friend <3

Might be worth a post in the Surgery forum... Quite a few women surgeons around on here that might be able to give some advice.