School A or School B

[AggieMed05]

So I have a little dilemma. Actually, I don't have one as of right now, I'm just trying to troubleshoot so that I don't have one in the future. I'm sure some of you had to deal with this, so I'd like your input about what you did and/or what you think I should do.

Here's my situation:

I'm originally from the west coast. I interviewed at a school out there (School A) and was accepted. I loved the school, the location, the program, and the people. The school isn't that close to my family or where I'm from, but it's in the same state and felt just like home. Ok great, so there's a nice story with a happy ending, right?

Actually, not so much.

See, I live on the east coast now. I came out here for a post-bac program 4 years ago and was counting the days until I could go back home. That is, I counted the days until I met the love of my life - a girl who was also in the post bac. Although she, too, is from the west coast, she got into school out here. So, instead of going back home when I finished my program, I decided to suck it up and stay in the east a while longer to be with her. She is now a second year med student.

So here's my deal. I applied to the osteopathic school out here (School B) and have been waitlisted. If I were accepted, she and I could continue to live together (we've lived together for about two years) and everything would be great. Except for the fact that I didn't really like the school, the facilities, or the location. My girlfriend is upset because she really wants me to stay and thinks that School B should be my number one choice. I am happy because School A is my number one choice and I don't have to feel guilty about it because School B hasn't even accepted me yet.

But what if it does?

My thinking was that if I go to School A, my girlfriend and I would really only have to be apart one year (her third year) because she could probably do some of her rotations in our home state. In addition to giving her a better chance to get a residency on the west coast, she could also be closer to all of her friends and family (not many of them live on the east coast). She always complains about how much she can't wait to go back home, but when I pitched my idea to her she said she would rather be on the east coast with me than be back on the west coast but be without me for a year or more. So I'm not really sure if it is better to go to a school that I love and be away from my person or go to a school that isn't my number one choice and be close to her. My heart tells me to go to the school that fits me, but it also tells me that I will probably be very sad and lonely being away, even though "away" is home. It doesn't help matters much that both schools are awesome (at least in my mind).

School A is Western.
School B is UMDNJ-SOM.

I'm kind of hoping I stay on the waitlist - that way things just work themselves out.

Thoughts?

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[Chocolate Bear]

Sounds like you'll both end up in Cali in a few years anyway, for residency. Also, it sounds as if she's not looking ahead. Basically if you go to UMDNJ, you both get instant gratification (i.e. you're together for two more years). But after she graduates, she probably won't want to stay on the East coast, anyway, right? Then where does that leave you? On the East coast, and she's doing residency in Cali. Or she stays on the East coast with you and forces you to come back to SDN in 4 years and post the same question, except replace "med school" with "residency" in your post.

If you make the move now, you have a year+ away from each other, but you can plan for the future, and you'll both be where you want to end up, shortly. Western's where it's at.

 

[Chocolate Bear]

*My above suggestion assumes that choosing Western won't cause a breakup due to anger or anyone failing due to separation depression.

 

[AggieMed05]

haha. right.

but doesn't choosing western make me a little selfish? i'm basically leaving her out here with nothing because i want what i want.

honestly, it makes me feel kinda jerky.

 

[Chocolate Bear]

haha. right.

but doesn't choosing western make me a little selfish? i'm basically leaving her out here with nothing because i want what i want.

honestly, it makes me feel kinda jerky.

If you're doing it "because you want what you want," then I can see your point. However, if you are thinking ahead with your GF (marriage, kids, etc.), then as long as a year+ won't break you guys, then I really think that you should get the year apart done now, rather than later.

You may feel selfish, but my suggestion is based on facts, not knowing you at all. I don't care about yours or your GF's feelings. Those are for you and her to handle. I just looked at the scenario and said what I'd do if it were me. Thus, my thoughts have nothing to do with your personal agenda.

Now if you disagree with my thoughts, but still want to go to Cali, then that would probably be based on selfish motivations. Not saying that you're not entitled to make decisions based on them--just stating the fact.

 

[AggieMed05]

no, you're right. i just haven't figured out the right way to tell her "but baby, I'm moving to the other side of the country for us," yet.

 

[Chocolate Bear]

no, you're right. i just haven't figured out the right way to tell her "but baby, I'm moving to the other side of the country for us," yet.

Use the logic I've laid out, if you want. Have a discussion with her about the issues that you'll face, given the two choices.

 

[stonewall22]

Are going to marry the girl? If you think you might marry her, then you need to figure out what you both think is best...if you're not going to marry her, then...do what's best for you. Being apart would be the pits. Could she transfer? Could you wait another year?

 

[EEL08]

Sounds like you'll both end up in Cali in a few years anyway, for residency. Also, it sounds as if she's not looking ahead. Basically if you go to UMDNJ, you both get instant gratification (i.e. you're together for two more years). But after she graduates, she probably won't want to stay on the East coast, anyway, right? Then where does that leave you? On the East coast, and she's doing residency in Cali. Or she stays on the East coast with you and forces you to come back to SDN in 4 years and post the same question, except replace "med school" with "residency" in your post.

If you make the move now, you have a year+ away from each other, but you can plan for the future, and you'll both be where you want to end up, shortly. Western's where it's at.

I definitely agree with CB. She'll start residency while you're still in med school and she would be looking for a job when you're in residency (most likely). So if you go to UMDNJ, she'll be stuck trying to get a residency in the area, which means you'll be stuck trying to get a residency in the area, which means that she might have to find a short-term job in the area until you finish your residency. I do understand it from her point of view but it just sounds like a better idea for you to get out to CA so you can both be out there soon together, hopefully. I would definitely use the logic CB did but I would recommend against telling her, "someone on SDN said...."

 

[Chocolate Bear]

I would definitely use the logic CB did but I would recommend against telling her, "someone on SDN said...."

Agreed. *sigh*

 

[AggieMed05]

Are going to marry the girl? If you think you might marry her, then you need to figure out what you both think is best...if you're not going to marry her, then...do what's best for you. Being apart would be the pits. Could she transfer? Could you wait another year?

Good point. I should have mentioned that in the OP. So yes, I think we'll get married eventually. I think that me going back west would be the best for both of us, because that's where we both want to practice and live. I tend to think like CBizzy, which is that we should get the time apart over now. 1-2 years isn't that much in the scheme of things, but I know it would suck pretty bad being apart that long. I'm willing to do as much as I can (fly back east often, esp. for holidays and 1st year summer). But even with that, her view is that me leaving is a horrible idea and will probably break us up.

About waiting a year, that might be worth considering. The only problem is that I'm already 26 and it feels like I've been waiting for this my whole life. I'll have to bring that up and see where it gets me.

 

[AggieMed05]

I would definitely use the logic CB did but I would recommend against telling her, "someone on SDN said...."

Ha! I'll keep that in mind.

So if I get you right, making sure we're close to eachother will be a hassle either way, whether I stay or go. I guess I'd rather deal with hassle in a place that I like.

 

[fireflygirl]

Yeah I totaly agree with everyone else. I have met several couples that are in separate med schools - you can do it succesfully! My boyfriend is closer to LECOM and I didn't apply there because I knew it wasn't the school for me. I knew that I needed to stay in Philadelphia and be closer to the environment that is prevalent in Philly and near PCOM. So I didn't apply. We're making it somehow.

I think it's more important right now to be in the place where you'll be happier, because trust me, it'll really reflect in how well you do in school. I think if you guys are really committed to each other, you'll make it work and you say that she's planning to end up in Cali anways so you guys might not be apart for too long. Good luck!

 

[sookie]

From my experience, I would not make a decision for a school based on a relationship unless you are already engaged and plan on getting married tomorrow. Things can change with the drop of a hat. Do what's right for you and you won't regret it. It may seem like you are being a jerk now, but just explain to her that you think it's for the best and that you will be there waiting for her when she graduates.

 

[Dissected]

Hey man, I was with ya at yakima and western. I say come to the west coast! It sounds like that could have a better outcome in the long run..thats my 2cents.

BTW when and how did you find out from western? and congrats!

 

[Orthodoc40]

OP, like you say, right now, there IS no choice, so it is kinda hypothetical. You could withdraw from the waitlist and end your dilemma...

If it does become a choice, though - I'd have to say go to the school you'll be happier at... except that UMDNJ is sooooooo much cheaper and a great school. So - it depends on whether you feel it's a sure thing you'll be happier out west or not. If you're sure, you have to go there.

But if you stay east, the 2 of you will be apart when she heads west before you're done anyway. So either way, if you're staying together, you'll have to be apart for a while. So I guess I don't have anything to add...

 

[e p i c]

Also, by becoming a doctor you increase your social currency. As some balding radio show host once said: my trophy wife is playing in a sandbox right now.

 

[brucecanbeatyou]

Also, by becoming a doctor you increase your social currency. As some balding radio show host once said: my trophy wife is playing in a sandbox right now.

That is disgusting.

 

[e p i c]

That is disgusting.

Disgusting?

 

[GoBuckeyes913]

I think it's more important right now to be in the place where you'll be happier, because trust me, it'll really reflect in how well you do in school. I think if you guys are really committed to each other, you'll make it work and you say that she's planning to end up in Cali anways so you guys might not be apart for too long. Good luck!

And vise versa. If you're miserable at school it can negatively reflect on your relationship. If you're going to spend a considerable amount of money, make sure it's somewhere your actually happy to invest in.

If this was me, I'd go to Western. Have a long talk with her and explain your train of thought. Being apart for a year or so to be together in the future without compromising either of your education is the bigger picture.