Many surgeons ... view our field as "that easy alternative I can squeeze into if I hate my residency and still make cash", but you must respect the field.
Twiggidy,
First of all, I apologize for my familiarity by the use of the term "gas doc."
I do respect the field of anesthesiology. This is my first time sitting down to gather my thoughts on this subject, so please bear with me.
After my spinal fracture, it was an anesthesiology attending who let me stay at her house, rent-free, for 2 years. During my stay, her family had "adopted" me as one of their own. They taught me things that I had not the opportunity to learn during my troubled upbringing. I am forever grateful for the generosity of my "mom" and her family. It's one of the things in my life I never want to let fade into the distance of memory. I even named my son after her late father, so he would ask me about his own name and I would tell him the story I’ve just told you.
Yes, I agree with you that a lot of surgeons share the view that you've described. Honestly, I do think about the money and lifestyle that my "mom" had and want to share that lifestyle with my wife and son. I do not deny that, but that doesn't mean that I do not respect the profession.
What is hard for me to express to strangers on internet forum is that I feel like a child who was forgiven for having made a big mistake. I don't know if it makes any sense when I say that I feel a serious debt towards the person who helped me back on my feet even though I was not her kin.
Late last year, I told her that I was thinking about going back into medicine and trying to match into anesthesiology. I remember how her voice changed into a happier tone when she heard that.. like she was proud of me, which in turn made me happy to know that something I am doing for my own benefit can bring her joy, too. I never had that in my childhood - approval and encouragement for something I wanted for myself.
That conversation was the validation of human relationships that I've very much sought in life, the joy that love can resonate in individual lives and relationships. I have to find meaning in what I do, if I want to take ownership of the choices I make. So that's how I find my personal meaning in anesthesiology as a profession. Having written this, it stings to admit that my use of the term “gas doc” on the anesthesiology forum was insolent.
I was in a difference place in life when I applied to general surgery while in medical school. Since then, I went through a handful of life-altering events and appreciate the value of intangible things a bit more. I used to think that anesthesia was only a means to the end - patients have to be asleep in order for surgeons to operate. But now I see that anesthesiologists do more than just control pain. They guide the patient through the unknown and become an anchor against the fear of having to undergo an operation. It's the stuff that even my mom rarely explained in an explicit terms but I've over time figured was what made her happy on a daily basis. What if I can do that for other people, too? Now that I am trying to start over, that's the art I find intriguing about anesthesiology, to ease a patient through the uncertainty and fear of pain.
Again, I apologize for the familiarity and will remember my position as an outsider until I have earned my way in. I know I am really rough around the edges as a person, but I am willing to listen and change for the better. I sincerely thank you for the advice and ask for more guidance and instruction from you as well as other anesthesiologists who wish to dispense them. I'm not here to let my ego shut out the opportunity to learn.
Thank you.
-A