Should I pop the question?

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pico510

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Hi guys, I need your help on a personal issue.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost two years. He is a visiting physician from South America and according to the contract he signed with his University, he has to go back this September for at least two years to practice there. That means we are going to be in a long distant relationship for my first two years in med school. Btw, I am starting med school this coming August :)

I understand that there is nothing else we can do at this point and I am ok with that. My only concern is how hard it will be to maintain an healthy long distant relationship while I am in med school (busy schedule, stress, etc). Our relationship at this point is fantastic and we talk about our future quite often. I wonder if we should get engaged prior to his departure and stay engaged for two years. This, in a sense, gives me an assurance that we are committed and are actually heading somewhere.

Anybody starting medical school while already been in a relationship or has friends that are in the same situation can give me advises? Thanks

Note: I am also a dude :)
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Hi guys, I need your help on a personal issue.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost two years. He is a visiting physician from South America and according to the contract he signed with his University, he has to go back this September for at least two years to practice there. That means we are going to be in a long distant relationship for my first two years in med school. Btw, I am starting med school this coming August :)

I understand that there is nothing else we can do at this point and I am ok with that. My only concern is how hard it will be to maintain an healthy long distant relationship while I am in med school (busy schedule, stress, etc). Our relationship at this point is fantastic and we talk about our future quite often. I wonder if we should get engaged prior to his departure and stay engaged for two years. This, in a sense, gives me an assurance that we are committed and are actually heading somewhere.

Anybody starting medical school while already been in a relationship or has friends that are in the same situation can give me advises? Thanks

Note: I am also a dude :)
 
Just my opinion, but I would absolutely not do that and plan on going into school with no relationship.

And I don't think an engagement will really change anything. If it's going to work out, it should work either way.
 
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An engagement ring isn't going to hold a relationship together if it wouldn't have held together anyways.
 
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I was in a long distance relationship for over 6 years while I was in graduate school. If you truly love each other, it can wait.
 
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Getting engaged won't make your relationship stronger or any more committed and it certainly won't stop you from breaking up if that's the path where your relationship ever ends up on. Take the love goggles off. From an impartial standpoint, getting engaged just because you're separating for 2 years can only give you fake peace of mind. It won't change anything except the amount of money in your bank accounts and it won't stop magically prevent either of you from cheating. The only reason anyone should ever get engaged is because they want to marry that person and be legally bound to them for the foreseeable future. Any other reason is stupid and/or illogical. It is literally just an announcement that you plan to get married to someone, there's not anything more binding about it than just being in a relationship.

Good luck with your decision.

PS: I in no way want you to think I am implying in any way that you are destined to break up or that one of you will cheat by the way. I just want to put it out there that an engagement does not stop cheating or breaking up is all.
 
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I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to get engaged beforehand. I know couples that have done so and are doing well now. But of course, there's no guarantee from having a ring, just more of a psychological boost for you both, which is what you seem to want. Besides, you can see each other during breaks, FaceTime, etc.
 
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Thank you for your advises guys! honestly we just need to get through these two years. I am afraid that if we are not truly committed, certain things could happen and jeopardize our relationship. I am trying to weight the pros and cons of getting engaged but I honestly do not see any harm in getting engaged. Any thoughts?
 
There is basically no con to getting engaged besides losing +-24 (happy) hours of your life and some money. Lol. Oh yea and if he rejects the proposal then that would suck but otherwise I see no cons.
 
As someone who once thought being engaged would be NECESSARY, and then ended up having a painful discussion with my partner about how he wasn't sure he believed in marriage... a ring on your finger will make no difference if you are in a committed, loving relationship. It also won't make a breakup any less inevitable - engagements can be broken as easily as they are made. It's all semantics until the marriage license is signed.

We did get engaged (and are now happily married) but I had to do some deep soul searching after our initial discussion on marriage to know that "being engaged" would change nothing about our relationship other than having a sparkly ring and a wedding to plan. If you truly love each other and want it to work out, then it will find a way to work out. It's about the one time where I truly believe in the "meant to be" idea and fate.

I'm not saying don't get engaged, I'm just trying to caution you to not put too much emphasis on the "status change" of going from boyfriend/girlfriend to engaged people. Literally nothing changes the day you get engaged, except people tell you congratulations and you start planning a party. Life changes both subtly and hugely after marriage. If marriage is what you want, focus on that and find ways to build towards a stronger future through marriage, but don't get too trapped in the idea of an engagement making you stronger.

I hope that made some sense!
 
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I hate to say it but I rolled my eyes a bit.
Don't get engaged just to hope it holds you all together.
And I'm sorry he has to go back, but if you all are going to work out you'll do so regardless of a ring.
 
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I met my future wife when I was still a post-doc and she lived some three hours away.. We only had email and landlines, no cell phone, no Skype.

With technology as it is nowadays, South America is next door. You'll be studying a lot even if he lived within walking distance, or hell, lived with you!

Your gender is irrelevant to your situation, BTW. Conservative, patriarchal Latin countries...that's an issue for your BF!! Fingers crossed for you.



pico510 said:
Hi guys, I need your help on a personal issue.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost two years. He is a visiting physician from South America and according to the contract he signed with his University, he has to go back this September for at least two years to practice there. That means we are going to be in a long distant relationship for my first two years in med school. Btw, I am starting med school this coming August :)

I understand that there is nothing else we can do at this point and I am ok with that. My only concern is how hard it will be to maintain an healthy long distant relationship while I am in med school (busy schedule, stress, etc). Our relationship at this point is fantastic and we talk about our future quite often. I wonder if we should get engaged prior to his departure and stay engaged for two years. This, in a sense, gives me an assurance that we are committed and are actually heading somewhere.

Anybody starting medical school while already been in a relationship or has friends that are in the same situation can give me advises? Thanks

Note: I am also a dude :)
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pico510 said:
Hi guys, I need your help on a personal issue.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost two years. He is a visiting physician from South America and according to the contract he signed with his University, he has to go back this September for at least two years to practice there. That means we are going to be in a long distant relationship for my first two years in med school. Btw, I am starting med school this coming August :)

I understand that there is nothing else we can do at this point and I am ok with that. My only concern is how hard it will be to maintain an healthy long distant relationship while I am in med school (busy schedule, stress, etc). Our relationship at this point is fantastic and we talk about our future quite often. I wonder if we should get engaged prior to his departure and stay engaged for two years. This, in a sense, gives me an assurance that we are committed and are actually heading somewhere.

Anybody starting medical school while already been in a relationship or has friends that are in the same situation can give me advises? Thanks

Note: I am also a dude :)
Click to expand...
Get engaged when you think you're ready to move your relationship to that next step, not to help it.
 
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Is he a US citizen? Would getting engaged/married help him be able to return to the US after the two years or is that all set? If so, I would do it for that + the reassurance + a motivator to keep the relationship going.
 
hmm, I'm not really sure if this is a good idea. Even if say you marry, he will have to remain in the US for some time (maybe years) in order to obtain first a green card and then citizenship. The fact that residency spots for FMGs can be really difficult to get (even with the facilitation of the FMG being married to an US citizen), I don't see any chance of him making the long haul to come over here unless he really wants to waste his precious years as a doctor. If anything, this relationship can only sustain if you have known this person for a long time and are absolutely sure that you want to marry him. Even at the onset of engaging him won't really help his circumstances when considering the merit on becoming eligible for anything medically related in the US; that will take actual marriage and current residency. You could sponsor him while he is outside of US but again, you will have to marry him for that.
 
pico510 said:
Thank you for your advises guys! honestly we just need to get through these two years. I am afraid that if we are not truly committed, certain things could happen and jeopardize our relationship. I am trying to weight the pros and cons of getting engaged but I honestly do not see any harm in getting engaged. Any thoughts?
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There's no harm in having the discussion; and I'd go so far as to say the discussion should be had. There's no harm in trying to establish if your relationship is a "wonderful while it lasted but doomed by circumstances" or a "worth whatever it takes to keep it going" or a "let's try it and see what happens" or even a "two years is far too long to remain celibate so let's take that off the table but stay in touch and see how we feel two years from now" -- Really, they're all valid outcomes, and none of them mean you two love each other any less. It can just be reassuring to know where you stand, and a discussion you should be able to have.
 
Goro said:
I met my future wife when I was still a post-doc and she lived some three hours away.. We only had email and landlines, no cell phone, no Skype.

With technology as it is nowadays, South America is next door. You'll be studying a lot even if he lived within walking distance, or hell, lived with you!
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Oh come on now. There's a huge difference between being able to see and touch your significant other in person once in a while compared to never seeing them in person. Skype is great and it definitely gives the relationship hope (which would be much less likely back in the 80s or whatever time period you're describing), but describing South America as 'next door' is disingenuous.

However, in regards to OP - agree with other posters. Don't get engaged 'just' to be engaged. I would personally be hesitant to get engaged just prior to a big move but that's just my personality.
 
I agree, but the OP is having doubts about popping the question. What's his alternative to a LD relationship??

evilbooyaa said:
Oh come on now. There's a huge difference between being able to see and touch your significant other in person once in a while compared to never seeing them in person. Skype is great and it definitely gives the relationship hope (which would be much less likely back in the 80s or whatever time period you're describing), but describing South America as 'next door' is disingenuous.

However, in regards to OP - agree with other posters. Don't get engaged 'just' to be engaged. I would personally be hesitant to get engaged just prior to a big move but that's just my personality.
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Would you get engaged if he were going to stay in the US? If so then I would say yes.

One other factor to consider is immigration if he is not a citizen/doesn't have a green card. You will want to start building a paper trail for his GC application down the line.
 
Attend medical school in Miami. For South America, it is the gateway to America. For Americans, it is the gateway to Latin America. #dalé

 
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...not sure if asking random people on the internet if getting engaged (ie - taking vows before God about an exclusive lifetime relationship) is the best thing to do...

Otherwise, here's hoping for the best. Cheers.
 
It's interesting that you think popping the question would make the relationship more secure. All it does is create more hassles when you guys break up.
 
That sounds like he was doing residency while on a J1 visa. Tell him there are waiver jobs that will let him stay here without having to spend two years abroad. I understand they are usually in underserved areas but it's worth a shot!
 
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