Show Don't Tell Personal Statement

[Doctorordietrying]

I'm struggling to see where I keep telling rather than showing. Aside from family, two readers have told me that my personal statement is not showing enough. I was advised to make my essay warmer and more telling of my character. If anyone wants to read my essay and tell me where I am lacking, please message me. If you have a suggestion, could you please include an example. If any adcoms want to read my paper, can you please let me know. I'm getting contradictory feedback and I'm starting to get overwhelmed. I've read various threads pertaining to the personal statement, but I still don't know how to approach my essay. I tried being creative with it and sincere, but that didn't work out (readers thought I was being cute and not formal enough).
Thank you.

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[freak7]

I'll read it. PM me.

 

[_NM_]

I can also look it over if you'd like

 

[Gryffindor20]

I'm struggling to see where I keep telling rather than showing. Aside from family, two readers have told me that my personal statement is not showing enough. I was advised to make my essay warmer and more telling of my character. If anyone wants to read my essay and tell me where I am lacking, please message me. If you have a suggestion, could you please include an example. If any adcoms want to read my paper, can you please let me know. I'm getting contradictory feedback and I'm starting to get overwhelmed. I've read various threads pertaining to the personal statement, but I still don't know how to approach my essay. I tried being creative with it and sincere, but that didn't work out (readers thought I was being cute and not formal enough).
Thank you.

I'll read it.