So my dad died

[jshultz]

PGY-2 heading into my 3rd and final year. I am sitting in an airport with my flight delayed and I have had far too much time to think. I got called yesterday from my mother "call me as soon as you can, it's not urgent but please call me." I woke up from my night shift and called her back. She was crying and got out the simple words "your dad has died".

My father wasn't the healthiest man and his chart would read; patient with a history of DM, HTN, HLD, PE (on coumadin), and MI admitted with X. Still he's my dad l I am at a loss and am not sure where to go from here.

I wonder if this is really worth it. When I was 18 I moved away to college to get my pre-med degree. I worked a full time job to try and pay for school. I barely made it home. I thought that I would be home once my education was done.

Then came Medical School and another move across the country and endless work. I promised myself and my family that I would be there. Still I missed countless holidays, birthdays, and family get togethers. I thought that I would come home once this was done.

Then residency came and I was totally set on coming home. My number 1 was in my hometown. My number 2 was a reasonable drive away. I matched at my number 3 some 20 hours away. Great program and great place but it wasn't home. I knew that once I was done with residency I would come home.

Some 2 months ago I interviewed and signed a contract to come home. Just one more year and I would be back and could have the family dinner that I have missed out on all these years. It was soo close but before I could do it my father died.

Now I am pissed. I am pissed that I gave up 10 years (and 1 to come) chasing a "dream" while giving up my life. I am pissed that I missed thanksgiving, christmas, easter, and getting a page while wishing my father a happy birthday making me cut our phone conversation short.

I dreamed of making a dinner for all my family in my house and sitting together and laughing. I have dreamed of sitting on my parents deck and not realizing I had to return to the **** hole of residency. I could have done that. Yet I gave it away to study and train for 11 years to listen to meth heads tell me they need narcotics for their bull**** tooth pain. **** YOU.

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[Apollyon]

Sorry to hear it, brother. I was an EM2 (PGY3), at the end of my first month of EM2 when my dad died, back in 2004. My dad was DM1, and post MI x2. The last time I'd seen my dad was 3 weeks before, so I was happy that I was not on the outs with him when he died. He was in upstate NY, and I was in NC.

I don't have more for you besides my sympathy and my empathy.

 

[deleted547339]

PGY-2 heading into my 3rd and final year. I am sitting in an airport with my flight delayed and I have had far too much time to think. I got called yesterday from my mother "call me as soon as you can, it's not urgent but please call me." I woke up from my night shift and called her back. She was crying and got out the simple words "your dad has died".

My father wasn't the healthiest man and his chart would read; patient with a history of DM, HTN, HLD, PE (on coumadin), and MI admitted with X. Still he's my dad l I am at a loss and am not sure where to go from here.

I wonder if this is really worth it. When I was 18 I moved away to college to get my pre-med degree. I worked a full time job to try and pay for school. I barely made it home. I thought that I would be home once my education was done.

Then came Medical School and another move across the country and endless work. I promised myself and my family that I would be there. Still I missed countless holidays, birthdays, and family get togethers. I thought that I would come home once this was done.

Then residency came and I was totally set on coming home. My number 1 was in my hometown. My number 2 was a reasonable drive away. I matched at my number 3 some 20 hours away. Great program and great place but it wasn't home. I knew that once I was done with residency I would come home.

Some 2 months ago I interviewed and signed a contract to come home. Just one more year and I would be back and could have the family dinner that I have missed out on all these years. It was soo close but before I could do it my father died.

Now I am pissed. I am pissed that I gave up 10 years (and 1 to come) chasing a "dream" while giving up my life. I am pissed that I missed thanksgiving, christmas, easter, and getting a page while wishing my father a happy birthday making me cut our phone conversation short.

I dreamed of making a dinner for all my family in my house and sitting together and laughing. I have dreamed of sitting on my parents deck and not realizing I had to return to the **** hole of residency. I could have done that. Yet I gave it away to study and train for 11 years to listen to meth heads tell me they need narcotics for their bull**** tooth pain. **** YOU.

I'm sorry. I can't imaging what you're going through. But I can tell you with 100% confidence (even without ever having met you or your father) that your father was immensely proud of you and what you've accomplished.

 

[fancymylotus]

PGY-2 heading into my 3rd and final year. I am sitting in an airport with my flight delayed and I have had far too much time to think. I got called yesterday from my mother "call me as soon as you can, it's not urgent but please call me." I woke up from my night shift and called her back. She was crying and got out the simple words "your dad has died".

My father wasn't the healthiest man and his chart would read; patient with a history of DM, HTN, HLD, PE (on coumadin), and MI admitted with X. Still he's my dad l I am at a loss and am not sure where to go from here.

I wonder if this is really worth it. When I was 18 I moved away to college to get my pre-med degree. I worked a full time job to try and pay for school. I barely made it home. I thought that I would be home once my education was done.

Then came Medical School and another move across the country and endless work. I promised myself and my family that I would be there. Still I missed countless holidays, birthdays, and family get togethers. I thought that I would come home once this was done.

Then residency came and I was totally set on coming home. My number 1 was in my hometown. My number 2 was a reasonable drive away. I matched at my number 3 some 20 hours away. Great program and great place but it wasn't home. I knew that once I was done with residency I would come home.

Some 2 months ago I interviewed and signed a contract to come home. Just one more year and I would be back and could have the family dinner that I have missed out on all these years. It was soo close but before I could do it my father died.

Now I am pissed. I am pissed that I gave up 10 years (and 1 to come) chasing a "dream" while giving up my life. I am pissed that I missed thanksgiving, christmas, easter, and getting a page while wishing my father a happy birthday making me cut our phone conversation short.

I dreamed of making a dinner for all my family in my house and sitting together and laughing. I have dreamed of sitting on my parents deck and not realizing I had to return to the **** hole of residency. I could have done that. Yet I gave it away to study and train for 11 years to listen to meth heads tell me they need narcotics for their bull**** tooth pain. **** YOU.

So sorry for your loss.


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[Birdstrike]

PGY-2 heading into my 3rd and final year. I am sitting in an airport with my flight delayed and I have had far too much time to think. I got called yesterday from my mother "call me as soon as you can, it's not urgent but please call me." I woke up from my night shift and called her back. She was crying and got out the simple words "your dad has died".

My father wasn't the healthiest man and his chart would read; patient with a history of DM, HTN, HLD, PE (on coumadin), and MI admitted with X. Still he's my dad l I am at a loss and am not sure where to go from here.

I wonder if this is really worth it. When I was 18 I moved away to college to get my pre-med degree. I worked a full time job to try and pay for school. I barely made it home. I thought that I would be home once my education was done.

Then came Medical School and another move across the country and endless work. I promised myself and my family that I would be there. Still I missed countless holidays, birthdays, and family get togethers. I thought that I would come home once this was done.

Then residency came and I was totally set on coming home. My number 1 was in my hometown. My number 2 was a reasonable drive away. I matched at my number 3 some 20 hours away. Great program and great place but it wasn't home. I knew that once I was done with residency I would come home.

Some 2 months ago I interviewed and signed a contract to come home. Just one more year and I would be back and could have the family dinner that I have missed out on all these years. It was soo close but before I could do it my father died.

Now I am pissed. I am pissed that I gave up 10 years (and 1 to come) chasing a "dream" while giving up my life. I am pissed that I missed thanksgiving, christmas, easter, and getting a page while wishing my father a happy birthday making me cut our phone conversation short.

I dreamed of making a dinner for all my family in my house and sitting together and laughing. I have dreamed of sitting on my parents deck and not realizing I had to return to the **** hole of residency. I could have done that. Yet I gave it away to study and train for 11 years to listen to meth heads tell me they need narcotics for their bull**** tooth pain. **** YOU.

Hey....

It's hard what you're going through. What you're feeling is normal. I'm very sorry for your loss. It's horrible. My deepest condolences go out to you, right through this computer screen.

Is it worth it?
Yes, its worth it. It's impossible to see now, because your dad was obviously such a great guy and it hurts terribly that he's gone. Nothing that ever took you away from him even for a few minutes, is going to seem worth it right now. Hang in there. It's hard. Really hard. But you'll get through it. It's worth it. You're worth it. Your Dad was worth it.

Would he have wanted you to give up your dreams?
Absolutely not. And neither will you for your kid(s), nor do I for mine.

Was he proud of you for the exact sacrifices you now regret making?
You're damn right he was. He would have had it no different.

Would he have told you to give up your dreams?
Hell no.

Your Dad was proud of you for exactly what you did do. And that's why you miss him so much.

It's worth it.
Your Dad was worth it.
It's hard.
I feel your pain.

But it'll get better. I promise you. It'll get better.

God bless....

 

[had2piknowEM]

PGY-2 heading into my 3rd and final year. I am sitting in an airport with my flight delayed and I have had far too much time to think. I got called yesterday from my mother "call me as soon as you can, it's not urgent but please call me." I woke up from my night shift and called her back. She was crying and got out the simple words "your dad has died".

My father wasn't the healthiest man and his chart would read; patient with a history of DM, HTN, HLD, PE (on coumadin), and MI admitted with X. Still he's my dad l I am at a loss and am not sure where to go from here.

I wonder if this is really worth it. When I was 18 I moved away to college to get my pre-med degree. I worked a full time job to try and pay for school. I barely made it home. I thought that I would be home once my education was done.

Then came Medical School and another move across the country and endless work. I promised myself and my family that I would be there. Still I missed countless holidays, birthdays, and family get togethers. I thought that I would come home once this was done.

Then residency came and I was totally set on coming home. My number 1 was in my hometown. My number 2 was a reasonable drive away. I matched at my number 3 some 20 hours away. Great program and great place but it wasn't home. I knew that once I was done with residency I would come home.

Some 2 months ago I interviewed and signed a contract to come home. Just one more year and I would be back and could have the family dinner that I have missed out on all these years. It was soo close but before I could do it my father died.

Now I am pissed. I am pissed that I gave up 10 years (and 1 to come) chasing a "dream" while giving up my life. I am pissed that I missed thanksgiving, christmas, easter, and getting a page while wishing my father a happy birthday making me cut our phone conversation short.

I dreamed of making a dinner for all my family in my house and sitting together and laughing. I have dreamed of sitting on my parents deck and not realizing I had to return to the **** hole of residency. I could have done that. Yet I gave it away to study and train for 11 years to listen to meth heads tell me they need narcotics for their bull**** tooth pain. **** YOU.

I echo everything Birdstrike said, so sorry for your loss...

 

[jshultz]

Thanks everyone! I am just in a low spot. My father was a high school teacher. I remember when I went home over a weekend and went to the local bar and went to pay my tab.

I need to pay my tab; J. Shultz". Someone grabbed me on the shoulder.
"bro are you related to Mr. Shultz"
-"yea he's my father."
"dudes this is Mr. Shultz son! I got your tab tell your dad I would have never gotten through high school without him"

I will miss my conversations with him. Usually it was talking to my mother and hearing him yell in the background "tell him he's got a lot of work to do." It was a joke we had. When I was young I hated waking up and hearing my father tell me "lot of work to do". Now I wish I could hear that. When I got home and had a chance to go out to dinner with my parents my father always would talk to the waiter/waitress and point to me saying "this is my son he is a doctor." I was usually embarrassed and now realize how proud my father was.

I sit waiting for my flight feeling alone, but realizing that I am not alone. When my grandfather and grandmother passed away my parents made a pin with a diamond from my grandparents wedding ring. I have yet to not wear that pin to work. It reminds me of the people that inspired me. I love you dad and I will never stop loving you.

 

[deleted547339]

Thanks everyone! I am just in a low spot. My father was a high school teacher. I remember when I went home over a weekend and went to the local bar and went to pay my tab.

I need to pay my tab; J. Shultz". Someone grabbed me on the shoulder.
"bro are you related to Mr. Shultz"
-"yea he's my father."
"dudes this is Mr. Shultz son! I got your tab tell your dad I would have never gotten through high school without him"

I will miss my conversations with him. Usually it was talking to my mother and hearing him yell in the background "tell him he's got a lot of work to do." It was a joke we had. When I was young I hated waking up and hearing my father tell me "lot of work to do". Now I wish I could hear that. When I got home and had a chance to go out to dinner with my parents my father always would talk to the waiter/waitress and point to me saying "this is my son he is a doctor." I was usually embarrassed and now realize how proud my father was.

I sit waiting for my flight feeling alone, but realizing that I am not alone. When my grandfather and grandmother passed away my parents made a pin with a diamond from my grandparents wedding ring. I have yet to not wear that pin to work. It reminds me of the people that inspired me. I love you dad and I will never stop loving you.

Just remember - somewhere at some bar, there is some guy sitting with his dad drinking a beer. His dad would have died if you weren't there. Maybe he's not going to pick up your tab or your children's tab, but he's drinking a beer with his son because you recognized his stemi, or lysed his PE or managed his sepsis or successfully intubated him in his respiratory failure or resuscitated him after a bad trauma.

Your dads proud.

 

[jshultz]

"Hey....

It's hard what you're going through. What you're feeling is normal. I'm very sorry for your loss. It's horrible. My deepest condolences go out to you, right through this computer screen.

Is it worth it?
Yes, its worth it. It's impossible to see now, because your dad was obviously such a great guy and it hurts terribly that he's gone. Nothing that ever took you away from him even for a few minutes, is going to seem worth it right now. Hang in there. It's hard. Really hard. But you'll get through it. It's worth it. You're worth it. Your Dad was worth it.

Would he have wanted you to give up your dreams?
Absolutely not. And neither will you for your kid(s), nor do I for mine.

Was he proud of you for the exact sacrifices you now regret making?
You're damn right he was. He would have had it no different.

Would he have told you to give up your dreams?
Hell no.

Your Dad was proud of you for exactly what you did do. And that's why you miss him so much.

It's worth it.
Your Dad was worth it.
It's hard.
I feel your pain.

But it'll get better. I promise you. It'll get better.

God bless...."

Birdstrike you do not know how much this means to me. I have been filled with guilt over the past 24 hours. Thinking of how I could have or should have spent more time with him. I know my father was proud of me and I know he wanted me to fulfill my dreams. Still I really really wanted to sit around a table and make dinner for him, my mother, and my brother.

 

[jshultz]

Just remember - somewhere at some bar, there is some guy sitting with his dad drinking a beer. His dad would have died if you weren't there. Maybe he's not going to pick up your tab or your children's tab, but he's drinking a beer with his son because you recognized his stemi, or lysed his PE or manager his sepsis or successfully intubated him in his respiratory failure or resuscitated him after a bad trauma.

Your dads proud.

Thanks man. My father was stern when I was young but turned into a total softie as I grew older. I am so grateful for the wonderful relationship I had with him and how he always told me how proud he was of me. Literally since my first post I have had countless people contact me and tell me how my father impacted their lives. I was bitter when I learned my father passed but I realize now that I need to carry his light.

 

[Daiphon]

Dude, so sorry, so so sorry.

I'll echo what's been already said - I guarantee he was proud of you and would want nothing more for you than to succeed & achieve your goals.

It sucks that he's gone, but he'll never be fully gone as it's pretty evident that a large part of him lives on in you.

Safe travels. Condolences to you & yours.
-d

Semper Brunneis Pallium

 

[deleted245139]

I was working a 5p to 3a audition shift in the ED MS4, and got that call...
I had those thoughts. Questioned everything. Hated that I left my family for this....

Then I thought about my dad, and who my dad taught me to be. He woulda kicked my ass if I quit, if I gave up on my dream. Finishing was the best way to honor him.

You're further along in that road, almost done. Our patient population will grate on you. For the next decade, some of your sickest patients will look like him, act like him. You'll leave mid shift after a code, cry your eyes out in a bathroom, then suck it up and go see a rolled ankle.

I'm so sorry for you and your family. I've lived this, very recently, and the pain is real. PM me if you ever need to vent.

My sincere condolences to you and your family

 

[gro2001]

PGY-2 heading into my 3rd and final year. I am sitting in an airport with my flight delayed and I have had far too much time to think. I got called yesterday from my mother "call me as soon as you can, it's not urgent but please call me." I woke up from my night shift and called her back. She was crying and got out the simple words "your dad has died".

My father wasn't the healthiest man and his chart would read; patient with a history of DM, HTN, HLD, PE (on coumadin), and MI admitted with X. Still he's my dad l I am at a loss and am not sure where to go from here.

I wonder if this is really worth it. When I was 18 I moved away to college to get my pre-med degree. I worked a full time job to try and pay for school. I barely made it home. I thought that I would be home once my education was done.

Then came Medical School and another move across the country and endless work. I promised myself and my family that I would be there. Still I missed countless holidays, birthdays, and family get togethers. I thought that I would come home once this was done.

Then residency came and I was totally set on coming home. My number 1 was in my hometown. My number 2 was a reasonable drive away. I matched at my number 3 some 20 hours away. Great program and great place but it wasn't home. I knew that once I was done with residency I would come home.

Some 2 months ago I interviewed and signed a contract to come home. Just one more year and I would be back and could have the family dinner that I have missed out on all these years. It was soo close but before I could do it my father died.

Now I am pissed. I am pissed that I gave up 10 years (and 1 to come) chasing a "dream" while giving up my life. I am pissed that I missed thanksgiving, christmas, easter, and getting a page while wishing my father a happy birthday making me cut our phone conversation short.

I dreamed of making a dinner for all my family in my house and sitting together and laughing. I have dreamed of sitting on my parents deck and not realizing I had to return to the **** hole of residency. I could have done that. Yet I gave it away to study and train for 11 years to listen to meth heads tell me they need narcotics for their bull**** tooth pain. **** YOU.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost someone close to me while in residency. Not a parent, thankfully, but a grandmother I was very close with. The feeling of guilt over not spending more time with a loved one who passes is very familiar. In my case, I was finishing up exams and heading to visit her, but she died unexpectedly 11 days before I got there. It's been many years, but I miss her so much. I had to stop writing this message because I actually started crying. I also remember wondering if any of this is worth it given all the time with loved ones we have to sacrifice. Then I realized that my grandmother would have said "Yes, it is." We have a very rare chance to do something that is at once useful, noble, and interesting while also giving us a chance to provide for our families in ways that few other jobs would allow. I didn't know your father, but I suspect he would have agreed with my grandma.

Hugs.

 

[Jlaw]

Sorry for you loss man. Been there myself. A little over a year before I was accepted to med school I found my dad down and started what ended up being a 45 minute code before he was finally pronounced dead at the hospital. I was finishing up my post bacc and studying for the MCAT at the point and I remember how hard it was to put the loss aside and concentrate on all that ****. He had been so proud that I was applying to medical school and now he would never get to see me , and that was hard to deal with.

Like others have said, I'm sure your dad was super proud of you. You weren't away from him for nothing, what you are doing is important and he knew that. It sucks that he won't be around to see the end result. That is life unfortunately, we don't know how much time us and our loved ones have, if we did many of us would probably have different priorities.

The only way past grief is through it, so take time for yourself and your family, and just know that there are good and bad days but in general it gets a tiny bit easier as each day passes. Lean on your friends, family, co-workers, the ones who have been through it themselves can be a great source of comfort.

Above all, be there for your mom, I made her my focus afterwards and it brought us a lot closer and helped us both get through it.

 

[NERDY]

sorry to hear of your loss. If you need someone to talk to you, feel free to PM. Your family is proud of you.

 

[TedStark]

I can relate. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. As a father I can say that if my daughter spent some time away from home pursuing her dream I would be happy for her and never hold it against her, especially if that sacrifice built a better life for herself and her family.

 

[HLxDrummer]

Man.. this really hit home for me. I am starting my intern year and fear something happening to my dad (smokes, poor diet, no exercise, no insurance, no doctor in decades). I am already somewhat bitter about having all this time away from friends and family and I'm scared something will happen to my family while I'm training. I can't imagine how hard this is for you - I'm so sorry. A lot of the stuff you said reminds me of my Dad (telling everyone I'm a doctor, etc). and it just shows how proud and happy they are for what we are accomplishing. Remember all of the good things about him and try to incorporate them into your life and keep him alive that way. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it easier. Hang in there man...

 

[Jlaw]

Man.. this really hit home for me. I am starting my intern year and fear something happening to my dad (smokes, poor diet, no exercise, no insurance, no doctor in decades). I am already somewhat bitter about having all this time away from friends and family and I'm scared something will happen to my family while I'm training. I can't imagine how hard this is for you - I'm so sorry. A lot of the stuff you said reminds me of my Dad (telling everyone I'm a doctor, etc). and it just shows how proud and happy they are for what we are accomplishing. Remember all of the good things about him and try to incorporate them into your life and keep him alive that way. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it easier. Hang in there man...

Get him to the doctor for a checkup. A few weeks before my dad died he came over to see me and I remember him huffing and puffing like crazy after climbing 5 steps. This was new for him and its something I would notice now, but as a premed I was just like "wow, dad's out of shape". After he died I realized that was probably a major warning sign. He was actually scheduled for a stress test the day he died but cancelled it because of a gout flair up. Talk about fate.