Speciality jokes

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Nidor

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Since stereotypes are there to be made fun of and since I'm doing a surgical clerkship with people that enjoy jokes I am curious to hear your best:

- What do you call two orthopedic surgeon's looking at an EKG?

A double blind study

- What do you do when you find a dead anesthesiologist in the hallway?

Put a cup of coffee next to him so it looks like he died on the job

- How do you call the surgical drape separating the anesthesiologist from the surgeon?

The blood-brain barrier

(disclaimer, these jokes where made by orthopedic surgeon's and anesthesiologist's respectively)
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Here is an old one I like:

An internist, surgeon and pathologist are going duck hunting. They set up next to the lake and wait for a duck to come by. Soon a bird flies by, and the internist takes aim, but doesn't fire and watches until the bird is out of range. He then turns to his two colleagues and says "based on that bird's wingspan, body habitus, plumage, coloration, and its quacking call, that may or may not have been a duck. I will need to order additional studies and tests to confirm." The surgeon sneers at the internist and the three go back to waiting for a duck.

A bit later another bird comes into view, and before anyone else can even move, BAM BAM BAM the surgeon empties his shotgun into the bird, and bits of carcass fall into the lake. The surgeon turns to the pathologist and says "Go tell me whether that was a duck."
 
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2 physicians were at a conference where their eyes locked. Little was said, though after a few drinks and some dancing, they headed up to a hotel room for some fun.

After it was over, the guy said to the woman, "are you a surgeon?"

She said, "yes, how did you know?"

He replied, "because you were so good with your hands."

She then asked, "Let me guess... are you an anesthesiologist?"

He said, "yes! How did you know?"

Her reply, "because I didn't feel a thing!"

(a variation has him asking her if she's a pathologist; when she replies in the affirmative, he says, "I thought so, since you laid there like a corpse")
 
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Weed Puller - Obstetrician
Unclear medicine - nuclear medicine
Stream team - urology dept
Slashers - general surgeons
Short-Order Chefs - mortuary workers
Shadow gazer - radiologist
Knuckledragger - Orthopedic Doctor/Surgeon
Cath Jockey - cardiologist

Double Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with genital thrush
 
How do you hide a $100 bill from a neurosurgeon?
Tape it to his kid's forehead.

How can you tell the ortho attending's car from the other doctors' cars in the parking lot?
It's the Porsche with the comic book on the seat.

Q: what's the most dangerous place in the hospital at 3pm?
A: between a dermatologist and his car.

what happens when youre trying to catch an elevator?
- an internist, being the cerebral creature that needs to walk 25 hrs a day rounding, sticks his hand in the closing doors, being the most expendable part of his body.

- a surgeon, knowing that her hands are the most valuable part of her body, stick her foot in the doors.

- an orthopod sticks his head in the doors.
 
From The House of God by Samuel Shem.

NPC (No Patient Care) Specialties

RAYS (Radiology)
Advantages - Money
Disadvantages - Gomers. Dark offices, narcolepsy. Damaged gonads; 8-fingered progeny. Barium enemas and bowel runs.

GAS (Anesthesiology)
Advantages - Money
Disadvantages - Gomers. Boredom punctured by panic. Astronomical malpractice premiums. Noxious gases, producing bizarre personalities. Contempt, daily, of surgeons.

PATH (Pathology)
Advantages - No live bodies. Low malpractice premiums
Disadvantages - Gomers (rare). Dead bodies. Smell of dead bodies and formalin-type picklers. Basement office. Contempt, daily, of all but other pathologists. Depression.

DERM (Dermatology)
Advantages - Money. Travel to sunny conventions. Naked skin--attraction.
Disadvantages - Gomers. Contagion. Naked skin--repulsion.

OPHTHALMOLOGY
Advantages - Astronomical money. Opportunity, daily, to torment GAS.
Disadvantage - Gomers. Astronomical malpractice premiums. Surgical internship required. Occasional patient care.

PSYCHIATRY
Advantages - NO GOMERS! Never touch bodies except in sex-surrogate therapies. Voyeurism, perversion, eroticism, autoeroticism, polyeroticism. Easy on feet. Long lunch hours. Cure--alleged.
Disadvantages - Hourly wage. Hard on lumbar spine. Multiple accusations from right wingers, cf. 'communist,' 'queer,' 'pervert.' Contempt, daily, of other doctors except when they are in therapy.
 
Five doctors went on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shotgun but didn't shoot because he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn't shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck?" The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."
 
What is the difference between a surgeon and a anaesthesiologist?
The surgeon is rude.
 
b
theseeker4 said:
Here is an old one I like:

An internist, surgeon and pathologist are going duck hunting. They set up next to the lake and wait for a duck to come by. Soon a bird flies by, and the internist takes aim, but doesn't fire and watches until the bird is out of range. He then turns to his two colleagues and says "based on that bird's wingspan, body habitus, plumage, coloration, and its quacking call, that may or may not have been a duck. I will need to order additional studies and tests to confirm." The surgeon sneers at the internist and the three go back to waiting for a duck.

A bit later another bird comes into view, and before anyone else can even move, BAM BAM BAM the surgeon empties his shotgun into the bird, and bits of carcass fall into the lake. The surgeon turns to the pathologist and says "Go tell me whether that was a duck."
Click to expand...
Was that a pathologist or a retriever?


Edit: omg spongebob band-aids, I think paediatrics is on my list now.
 
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Why was the urologist upset? Pissed he got the shaft.

What do you call a radiologist on a sunny day when the power goes out? Blind.

Why did the neurosurgeon get kicked out of mass at Sacred God's Cathedral? He offered to sign autographs.

What makes a OBGYN happy? Nothing.
What makes a pediatrician sad? Their bank account.
What makes a surgeon laugh? Your call schedule.
What makes a dermatologist laugh? The surgeon's call schedule.
 
theseeker4 said:
Here is an old one I like:

An internist, surgeon and pathologist are going duck hunting. They set up next to the lake and wait for a duck to come by. Soon a bird flies by, and the internist takes aim, but doesn't fire and watches until the bird is out of range. He then turns to his two colleagues and says "based on that bird's wingspan, body habitus, plumage, coloration, and its quacking call, that may or may not have been a duck. I will need to order additional studies and tests to confirm." The surgeon sneers at the internist and the three go back to waiting for a duck.

A bit later another bird comes into view, and before anyone else can even move, BAM BAM BAM the surgeon empties his shotgun into the bird, and bits of carcass fall into the lake. The surgeon turns to the pathologist and says "Go tell me whether that was a duck."
Click to expand...

Similar but its Surgeon, IM & FP doc
Surgeon shoots & asks others what he shot down
IM sees duck, says r/o flamingo, r/o goose, r/o.... & the ducks are out of range
FP sees something, pulls out his shotgun & blasts the whole area, turns to the other & says "I don't know what it is, but I got it"
 
Serous Demilune said:
How do you keep a dollar away from an ortho surgeon? Put it in a textbook.
How do you keep a dollar away from a neurosurgeon? Give it to his kid.
How do you keep a dollar away from a plastic surgeon? You can't.
Click to expand...

From an ED doc: tape it to the past medical history on the intake form.
From a pediatrician: "Whats a dollar?"

Orthopod's PMI = point of maximal information; just below xyphoid you'll hear heart, bowel, and lungs at same time.

4 primary surgeries in an OBGYN's skill set: c-section, hysterectomy, transection of left ureter, and transection of right ureter.

Difference btw hematologist and urologist?
Hematologist pricks your finger, urologist fingers your prick.

Difference between anesthesia and urology?
Urologists play with other people's dicks.

Every hear about the wallet the urologist made from the foreskins he collected after years doing circumcisions?
If you rub it, it turns into a suitcase.
 
Serous Demilune said:
How do you keep a dollar away from an ortho surgeon? Put it in a textbook.
How do you keep a dollar away from a neurosurgeon? Give it to his kid.
How do you keep a dollar away from a plastic surgeon? You can't.
Click to expand...
How do you keep a dollar away from a family physician? Doesn't matter, they don't know what one looks like anyways.
 
Damn. All the ones I know I have been told. The surgeon/anesthesiologist one night stand one is my favorite. I love the duck-hunting variations and the elevator ones, too.
 
Where do you go to avoid an orthropod? The library

Where do you go to avoid a neurosurgeon? His kid’s birthday party

Where do you go to avoid a psychiatrist? The opposite direction of the Pfizer rep

Where do you go to avoid a dermatologist? His clinic any time after 4:00pm

Where do you go to avoid an FM? AOA meeting
 
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Ortho surgeon: twice as strong as mule, half as smart
Ortho H&P: BBMF - Bone Broke, Me Fix
Ortho SOAP Note: LGFD - Looks Good From Door

How do you confuse an ER doc? Ask him what the second dose is.
What's the only two questions on the ER Boards? What's the pager number for surgery consult? What's the pager number for medicine consult?

What is the radiologist's favorite plant? The hedge.
 
neusu said:
How do you confuse an ER doc? Ask him what the second dose is.
Click to expand...

Sigh... pretty much. We had to take a EM course during our second year and seizure management was, "Ativan, more ativan, still more ativan, and while you're giving ativan, look up the next drug to give after ativan."
 
What does the cardiologist do when a patient has a heart attack and dies while walking out of his office?

Turn him around so it looks like the patient is walking in to his office.
 
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