specialty jokes

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bad virus

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I always enjoy these jokes but can never remember them.

I'll start off with a few that I remember.

Accronyms:

- PMI = Point of maximal information (used on surgery rounds, steth placed on top of xiphoid which enables one to hear breath, bowel and heart sounds all at once).

- ABC's of Anesthesia: Airway, Breakfast, Coffee

- ABC's of Ortho: Ancef, bone, Ancef

- FOOSBA: Found on ortho service, barely alive (used by medicine consult team).

100 dollar bill jokes:

- How do you keep a hundred dollar bill from each of the following?

Radiologist: On top of the patient
Pathologist: With the family
Orthopod: In a book
EMP: in the past medical history
Pediatrician: What the heck is a 100 dollar bill?

I don't mean anything malicious by this post, I Just find some of this stuff humorous. Please post more jokes, especially ones about EM.

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What are the 4 most common Gyne surgical procedures?

C-section
Hysterectomy
Transection of left ureter
Transection of right ureter
 
Members don't see this ad :)
How do you hide money from an internist? Put it under a dressing.

How do you hide money from a general surgeon? Put it in the patient's room.

How do you hide money from a plastic surgeon? You can't hide money from a plastic surgeon.

How do you hide money from a neurosurgeon (or CT surgeon, your pick)? Stick it to his kid's forehead.
 
On ortho Heart= Pre-Osseous pump or the Ancef circulatory mechanism.

LOFD-ABM (Looks Ok from Door, await bowel movement).
 
What do you call 2 surgeons reading an EKG?
A double blinded study.
 
Lol Dan, awesome thread link thanks.

Thanks guys, the other two posts were awesome.

Please keep em coming.

Also, has anyone seen the humor section in Life in the fast lane?
 
A medical student, a psychiatrist, an internist, a surgeon, and a pathologist all go duck hunting.

A flock of birds flies overhead.

The medical student jumps up first, eagerly... points his shotgun at the sky, says - "Ehh.. I'm not sure if those are really ducks or not." Doesn't pull the trigger.

The psychiatrist takes aim next, then considers how he might feel about shooting the ducks, lets them fly.

The internist looks at the ducks, identifies them as genus, species, markings, migration pattern, geographical distriubution... doesn't fire a shot.


The surgeon unloads five shells into the air. Several of the birds fall. He then turns to the pathologist and says - "Hey, can you go check if those are ducks for me ?"
 
How do you tell an internist and a surgeon apart in an elevator?

When the door is closing, the internist will stick his hand between the doors to stop it. The surgeon will stick his head between them.
 
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How do you tell an internist and a surgeon apart in an elevator?

When the door is closing, the internist will stick his hand between the doors to stop it. The surgeon will stick his head between them.

Somehow this joke isn't funny anymore...

Link
 
Three doctors are riding in a car together when the car gets a flat tire. They all get out and look at the tire.

The first doctor says "It looks flat."

The second doctor feels the tire and says "It feels flat."

The third doctor says "I hear a hissing noise."

They all nod their heads and say "We'd better run some tests."

How do you tell a urologist from an anesthesiologist?
When they're in the OR, the urologist has his hand on someone else's wiener.

Is it better for a neurosurgeon to have a wife or a girlfriend?
Both. That way the wife will think he's with the girlfriend, the girlfriend will think he's with the wife, and he can go to the hospital and get some work done.
 
Add in the ER doc to that joke...

The ER doc sees the ducks, unloads all of his shells all at once. He then excitedly turns around and says,

"I got 'em! I got 'em!...Wait...what were they?"
 
The ortho surgeon: Strong as a mule and twice as smart.

A surgeon with an antibiotic is like a fish with a bicycle.

How do you confuse an ER doc? Ask him what the second dose is.
 
I read this before my rotation, and then just read it yesterday and it gave me a nostalgic chuckle.

Enjoy.

ER Weekend call schedule

Surgery: Dr. Johansen is on call for general surgery. Please remember that he does not like to operate on children or the uninsured. He also considers trauma an enormous inconvenience. If you have gall bladder patients, patients with appendicitis, or patients with acute diverticulitis, you may contact him after the CT scan has been read and the patient sedated and prepped. Please remember, as Dr. Johansen says, If it isn’t on the CT scan, I won’t operate on it. Anything else that is marginally surgical should be admitted to family medicine, and those practitioners may consult him after lengthy discussions by phone. Dr. Johansen is covering for Dr. Michaels and Dr. Pugh, but not Dr. Delacore, who has pissed off everyone. Dr. Delacore, incidentally, will not be available; he will be intoxicated this weekend. All of his patients should be transferred to anyone who will accept them.

Pediatrics: Dr. Margaret Star-Smith is on call for pediatrics. She will be covering patients for Dr. Janice Adkins-Barker and Dr. Alisha Carter-Wong. Dr. Yolanda Rodriguez-Saleem will be in the office on Saturday and Sunday morning, and will also be seeing patients for Dr. Karen Strinksy-Butts. Dr. Moira Harris is on sabbatical until after her elective insertion of a hyphen.

Family Medicine: Dr. Inman has sold his soul to Satan, and therefore is covering all patients for the entire family medicine service so he can take next week off for the Dungeons and Dragons convention. (If you want to get on his good side, refer to him as Exalted Elf Lord of the Far Havens.) Please remember that he normally has one patient in the hospital at a time, but this weekend will have 45. If he seems irritable, it’s only because he is. When contacting Dr. Inman, remember to call his cell phone. After his profane tirade, call back on his pager. Or vice versa. You won’t be right the first time. Ever. You can discuss his subsequent complaint with administration on Monday. When Dr. Inman comes to the emergency department for the admission, have coffee ready, with large amounts of sugar and cream. Also have the AMA forms available; those he sees tend to sign out of the hospital in anger. As an exception to the schedule, Dr. Morganstern is covering for gerontology patients for the weekend. You must contact him for all demented, febrile patients from extended care facilities. He will then give you permission to call Dr. Inman (Exalted Elf Lord of the Far Havens) for him.

Internal Medicine: Dr. Reynolds will be taking call for general internal medicine. Be advised that anyone admitted to internal medicine with abdominal pain will require surgical consultation, anyone with chest pain will require cardiology consultation, and anyone with shortness of breath will require pulmonology consultation. Patients with cancer will need to have oncology consultation, and diabetics will have to see endocrinology during their hospital stay. If the patient has any complex metabolic abnormality, please know the appropriate endocrine pathways in order to answer obscure questions about why you didn’t order enough laboratory studies.

Cardiology: Dr. Reester and Dr. Kohl are covering for the Heart Institute and the Institute for Heart care respectively. Please be careful not to confuse the patients of these two bitter enemies. Rotate unassigned consults between them. Hospital administrators have stated in no uncertain terms that they wish to avoid another car-burning incident like the one that occurred last spring between said cardiologists. Dr. Reester prefers to be contacted by phone. Dr. Kohl can be found sleeping on the floor of the emergency department so he doesn’t miss any possible business.

Neurology: Dr. Drexel is on call for neurology. Please perform a detailed neurologic examination before calling Dr. Drexel. That is, obtain any and all possible imaging studies, which now serve as neuro exams. It also would be helpful if you actually try to remember some neurologic pathways. And please remember the neurology axiom: If there’s blood on the brain, the patient needs a neurosurgeon. If there isn’t, then the patient probably needs to be admitted to internal medicine. Do NOT call Dr. Drexel at home. He is sleeping with an unnamed nurse from the fourth floor, and his wife will only scream, He doesn’t live here anymore! He’s with that (expletive)! when you ask for him at home. Dr. Drexel has recently been inundated with patients diagnosed with unnamed pain syndromes, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, dystonia, and pseudo-seizures after Dr. Rivenbark was convicted of narcotics trafficking, and therefore is apt not to be his normal, cuddly self. If he curses you and then comes to the hospital in a snit, security has been authorized to use pepper spray.

Psychiatry: Dr. Joseph is on call for psychiatry, except for the following patients, whom he feels that our facility is not equipped to handle: the suicidal, the frankly psychotic, the drug or alcohol addicted, the bipolar, the violent/angry, the adolescent, the elderly demented, and the profoundly depressed. Please contact Dr. Joseph for consultation on anyone who is mildly unhappy, socially awkward, feelin’ da blues, or afraid of cats.

ENT: Dr. Madden is covering ENT emergencies, which can be defined as his own patients with post-operative tonsil bleeding. This month, Dr. Madden does not do mandible fractures, facial fractures, blow-out fractures, or facial abscesses. For airway or vascular ENT emergencies, remember that Dr. Madden lives 20 minutes away. And Madden’s rule goes like this: If it isn’t an airway or vascular emergency, you don’t need me. If it is, I’ll be too late to help.

Pulmonology: Dr. Lesterman is covering all pulmonary patients, all ventilator patients, and all ICU patients, just like he does every day of the year. We can only assume that he is taking some experimental chemical to constantly care for his endless hordes of smoking emphysema patients. If he falls asleep in his chair, simply prop him in the corner for an hour or so. He’ll be back.

Anesthesiology: Dr. Hatfield is covering anesthesia, except for patients in the pain clinic, who are normally covered by Dr. Tomlinson. Dr. Tomlinson is out of town. Pain clinic patients can be referred to an individual known only as Pimpy, who can provide narcotic refills for the weekend.

Trauma center: When transferring patients to Regional Trauma, remember that Dr. Alvera, chief of trauma, has agreed to accept all trauma directly. No one else on the trauma team, including residents, understands this reality. You will have to speak to a student, an intern, a junior resident, a senior resident, and ultimately to a staff surgeon to have the patient accepted. Also, please finish the work-up including all imaging and preliminary surgeries prior to transfer within the Golden 12 hours.

Pathology: Why would you even bother?

Dentistry: Just kidding!

Dermatology: Got you again!

Good luck until Monday morning!
 
How do you hide money from an internist? Put it under a dressing.

How do you hide money from a general surgeon? Put it in the patient's room.

How do you hide money from a plastic surgeon? You can't hide money from a plastic surgeon.

How do you hide money from a neurosurgeon (or CT surgeon, your pick)? Stick it to his kid's forehead.

I've heard a lot of variations of this joke, such as how to hide money from an anesthesiologist (don't wake him up), how to hide money from a pediatrician (don't bother; he'll never look for money) but never one for emergency medicine. Is there a good funny way to hide money from an emergency physician?
 
A medical student, a psychiatrist, an internist, a surgeon, and a pathologist all go duck hunting.

A flock of birds flies overhead.

The medical student jumps up first, eagerly... points his shotgun at the sky, says - "Ehh.. I'm not sure if those are really ducks or not." Doesn't pull the trigger.

The psychiatrist takes aim next, then considers how he might feel about shooting the ducks, lets them fly.

The internist looks at the ducks, identifies them as genus, species, markings, migration pattern, geographical distriubution... doesn't fire a shot.


The surgeon unloads five shells into the air. Several of the birds fall. He then turns to the pathologist and says - "Hey, can you go check if those are ducks for me ?"
the pediatrician takes aim, says " I don't know what those are, let's just hope they go away (no shot).
 
I've heard a lot of variations of this joke, such as how to hide money from an anesthesiologist (don't wake him up), how to hide money from a pediatrician (don't bother; he'll never look for money) but never one for emergency medicine. Is there a good funny way to hide money from an emergency physician?

Nope. They're all true stories...

EMTALA
Medicare
Medicaid
Satisfaction Bonuses
Etc...

All very funny, but unfortunately all too real. d;-)

-d

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using Tapatalk
 
How do you tell an internist and a surgeon apart in an elevator?

When the door is closing, the internist will stick his hand between the doors to stop it. The surgeon will stick his head between them.

I heard this one as the Internist sticks his hand in, the general surgeon sticks his foot in, and the orthopod sticks his head in :)
 
I've heard a lot of variations of this joke, such as how to hide money from an anesthesiologist (don't wake him up), how to hide money from a pediatrician (don't bother; he'll never look for money) but never one for emergency medicine. Is there a good funny way to hide money from an emergency physician?

I've heard, "put it in the patient's past medical history."
 
A medical student, a psychiatrist, an internist, a surgeon, and a pathologist all go duck hunting.

A flock of birds flies overhead.

The medical student jumps up first, eagerly... points his shotgun at the sky, says - "Ehh.. I'm not sure if those are really ducks or not." Doesn't pull the trigger.

The psychiatrist takes aim next, then considers how he might feel about shooting the ducks, lets them fly.

The internist looks at the ducks, identifies them as genus, species, markings, migration pattern, geographical distriubution... doesn't fire a shot.


The surgeon unloads five shells into the air. Several of the birds fall. He then turns to the pathologist and says - "Hey, can you go check if those are ducks for me ?"

Surgeon, IM & FP doc go duck hunting
Surgeon steps up first, aims, fires..then tells his pathologist friend to check what he shot
IM doc, aims, says "I see duck, r/o flamingo, r/o goose, r/o...". By the time he rules everything out, all the ducks have flown away
FP doc steps up, 12 bore shotgun that sprays everything in sight..."I don't what it was, but I got it"

Recipe for ortho residency - Step 1 score + max bench press = >600
 
I've heard a lot of variations of this joke, such as how to hide money from an anesthesiologist (don't wake him up), how to hide money from a pediatrician (don't bother; he'll never look for money) but never one for emergency medicine. Is there a good funny way to hide money from an emergency physician?

Hide it in the call rooms?

I know, I know...I hear the groans now.
 
The ortho surgeon: Strong as a mule and twice as smart.

Orthopedics got their revenge on anesthesia for coming up with this joke, though:
http://www.bmj.com/content/343/bmj.d7506

BMJ 2011; 343 doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1136/bmj.d7506 (Published 15 December 2011)
Orthopaedic surgeons: as strong as an ox and almost twice as clever? Multicentre prospective comparative study

Objective To compare the intelligence and grip strength of orthopaedic surgeons and anaesthetists.

Design Multicentre prospective comparative study.

Setting Three UK district general hospitals in 2011.

Participants 36 male orthopaedic surgeons and 40 male anaesthetists at consultant or specialist registrar grade.

Main outcome measures Intelligence test score and dominant hand grip strength.

Results Orthopaedic surgeons had a statistically significantly greater mean grip strength (47.25 (SD 6.95) kg) than anaesthetists (43.83 (7.57) kg). The mean intelligence test score of orthopaedic surgeons was also statistically significantly greater at 105.19 (10.85) compared with 98.38 (14.45) for anaesthetists.

Conclusions Male orthopaedic surgeons have greater intelligence and grip strength than their male anaesthetic colleagues, who should find new ways to make fun of their orthopaedic friends.
 
What is the radiologist's favorite plant?

The hedge.
 
I read this before my rotation, and then just read it yesterday and it gave me a nostalgic chuckle.

Enjoy.

ER Weekend call schedule

Surgery: Dr. Johansen is on call for general surgery. Please remember that he does not like to operate on children or the uninsured. He also considers trauma an enormous inconvenience. If you have gall bladder patients, patients with appendicitis, or patients with acute diverticulitis, you may contact him after the CT scan has been read and the patient sedated and prepped. Please remember, as Dr. Johansen says, If it isn’t on the CT scan, I won’t operate on it. Anything else that is marginally surgical should be admitted to family medicine, and those practitioners may consult him after lengthy discussions by phone. Dr. Johansen is covering for Dr. Michaels and Dr. Pugh, but not Dr. Delacore, who has pissed off everyone. Dr. Delacore, incidentally, will not be available; he will be intoxicated this weekend. All of his patients should be transferred to anyone who will accept them.

Pediatrics: Dr. Margaret Star-Smith is on call for pediatrics. She will be covering patients for Dr. Janice Adkins-Barker and Dr. Alisha Carter-Wong. Dr. Yolanda Rodriguez-Saleem will be in the office on Saturday and Sunday morning, and will also be seeing patients for Dr. Karen Strinksy-Butts. Dr. Moira Harris is on sabbatical until after her elective insertion of a hyphen.

Family Medicine: Dr. Inman has sold his soul to Satan, and therefore is covering all patients for the entire family medicine service so he can take next week off for the Dungeons and Dragons convention. (If you want to get on his good side, refer to him as Exalted Elf Lord of the Far Havens.) Please remember that he normally has one patient in the hospital at a time, but this weekend will have 45. If he seems irritable, it’s only because he is. When contacting Dr. Inman, remember to call his cell phone. After his profane tirade, call back on his pager. Or vice versa. You won’t be right the first time. Ever. You can discuss his subsequent complaint with administration on Monday. When Dr. Inman comes to the emergency department for the admission, have coffee ready, with large amounts of sugar and cream. Also have the AMA forms available; those he sees tend to sign out of the hospital in anger. As an exception to the schedule, Dr. Morganstern is covering for gerontology patients for the weekend. You must contact him for all demented, febrile patients from extended care facilities. He will then give you permission to call Dr. Inman (Exalted Elf Lord of the Far Havens) for him.

Internal Medicine: Dr. Reynolds will be taking call for general internal medicine. Be advised that anyone admitted to internal medicine with abdominal pain will require surgical consultation, anyone with chest pain will require cardiology consultation, and anyone with shortness of breath will require pulmonology consultation. Patients with cancer will need to have oncology consultation, and diabetics will have to see endocrinology during their hospital stay. If the patient has any complex metabolic abnormality, please know the appropriate endocrine pathways in order to answer obscure questions about why you didn’t order enough laboratory studies.

Cardiology: Dr. Reester and Dr. Kohl are covering for the Heart Institute and the Institute for Heart care respectively. Please be careful not to confuse the patients of these two bitter enemies. Rotate unassigned consults between them. Hospital administrators have stated in no uncertain terms that they wish to avoid another car-burning incident like the one that occurred last spring between said cardiologists. Dr. Reester prefers to be contacted by phone. Dr. Kohl can be found sleeping on the floor of the emergency department so he doesn’t miss any possible business.

Neurology: Dr. Drexel is on call for neurology. Please perform a detailed neurologic examination before calling Dr. Drexel. That is, obtain any and all possible imaging studies, which now serve as neuro exams. It also would be helpful if you actually try to remember some neurologic pathways. And please remember the neurology axiom: If there’s blood on the brain, the patient needs a neurosurgeon. If there isn’t, then the patient probably needs to be admitted to internal medicine. Do NOT call Dr. Drexel at home. He is sleeping with an unnamed nurse from the fourth floor, and his wife will only scream, He doesn’t live here anymore! He’s with that (expletive)! when you ask for him at home. Dr. Drexel has recently been inundated with patients diagnosed with unnamed pain syndromes, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, dystonia, and pseudo-seizures after Dr. Rivenbark was convicted of narcotics trafficking, and therefore is apt not to be his normal, cuddly self. If he curses you and then comes to the hospital in a snit, security has been authorized to use pepper spray.

Psychiatry: Dr. Joseph is on call for psychiatry, except for the following patients, whom he feels that our facility is not equipped to handle: the suicidal, the frankly psychotic, the drug or alcohol addicted, the bipolar, the violent/angry, the adolescent, the elderly demented, and the profoundly depressed. Please contact Dr. Joseph for consultation on anyone who is mildly unhappy, socially awkward, feelin’ da blues, or afraid of cats.

ENT: Dr. Madden is covering ENT emergencies, which can be defined as his own patients with post-operative tonsil bleeding. This month, Dr. Madden does not do mandible fractures, facial fractures, blow-out fractures, or facial abscesses. For airway or vascular ENT emergencies, remember that Dr. Madden lives 20 minutes away. And Madden’s rule goes like this: If it isn’t an airway or vascular emergency, you don’t need me. If it is, I’ll be too late to help.

Pulmonology: Dr. Lesterman is covering all pulmonary patients, all ventilator patients, and all ICU patients, just like he does every day of the year. We can only assume that he is taking some experimental chemical to constantly care for his endless hordes of smoking emphysema patients. If he falls asleep in his chair, simply prop him in the corner for an hour or so. He’ll be back.

Anesthesiology: Dr. Hatfield is covering anesthesia, except for patients in the pain clinic, who are normally covered by Dr. Tomlinson. Dr. Tomlinson is out of town. Pain clinic patients can be referred to an individual known only as Pimpy, who can provide narcotic refills for the weekend.

Trauma center: When transferring patients to Regional Trauma, remember that Dr. Alvera, chief of trauma, has agreed to accept all trauma directly. No one else on the trauma team, including residents, understands this reality. You will have to speak to a student, an intern, a junior resident, a senior resident, and ultimately to a staff surgeon to have the patient accepted. Also, please finish the work-up including all imaging and preliminary surgeries prior to transfer within the Golden 12 hours.

Pathology: Why would you even bother?

Dentistry: Just kidding!

Dermatology: Got you again!

Good luck until Monday morning!

My non-medical friends/family would never believe how true this really is. Actually, my non-emergency medicine colleagues probably wouldn't believe it either.
 
My non-medical friends/family would never believe how true this really is. Actually, my non-emergency medicine colleagues probably wouldn't believe it either.

I was wondering if someone from my hospital wrote it...
 
My non-medical friends/family would never believe how true this really is. Actually, my non-emergency medicine colleagues probably wouldn't believe it either.


Not long ago, there was a gag on here where non-medical people were referred to as "muggles" (i.e. - non-magical people in the Harry Pottery mythos). I started using that around the shop, and it got some good chuckles.

I gotta throw this one out here, too. Remember the comic strip "Dilbert"? There was Dilbert, his nerdy, IT-department/office hijinx guy-self, and he had a dog named Dogbert and a cat named Catbert... (pretty sure that Ratbert made an appearance, too). The other day at work, we had one of those whimpy mid-20-something males who was all "waaahhh-waahh, I'm dying, I've never BEEN so sick!" over his cold/flu symptoms, and I referred to him as "Douchebert". My staff thought it was funny. I'll leave it to the board to decide whether it gets a pass or a fail.
 
Not long ago, there was a gag on here where non-medical people were referred to as "muggles" (i.e. - non-magical people in the Harry Pottery mythos). I started using that around the shop, and it got some good chuckles.

I gotta throw this one out here, too. Remember the comic strip "Dilbert"? There was Dilbert, his nerdy, IT-department/office hijinx guy-self, and he had a dog named Dogbert and a cat named Catbert... (pretty sure that Ratbert made an appearance, too). The other day at work, we had one of those whimpy mid-20-something males who was all "waaahhh-waahh, I'm dying, I've never BEEN so sick!" over his cold/flu symptoms, and I referred to him as "Douchebert". My staff thought it was funny. I'll leave it to the board to decide whether it gets a pass or a fail.

:thumbup::thumbup:
 
Not long ago, there was a gag on here where non-medical people were referred to as "muggles" (i.e. - non-magical people in the Harry Pottery mythos). I started using that around the shop, and it got some good chuckles.

I gotta throw this one out here, too. Remember the comic strip "Dilbert"? There was Dilbert, his nerdy, IT-department/office hijinx guy-self, and he had a dog named Dogbert and a cat named Catbert... (pretty sure that Ratbert made an appearance, too). The other day at work, we had one of those whimpy mid-20-something males who was all "waaahhh-waahh, I'm dying, I've never BEEN so sick!" over his cold/flu symptoms, and I referred to him as "Douchebert". My staff thought it was funny. I'll leave it to the board to decide whether it gets a pass or a fail.

i had one like this w/ mono... nice enough kid but oh my GOD was he a wimp...2 visits in 2 days
 
I've heard a lot of variations of this joke, such as how to hide money from an anesthesiologist (don't wake him up), how to hide money from a pediatrician (don't bother; he'll never look for money) but never one for emergency medicine. Is there a good funny way to hide money from an emergency physician?[/QUOTE]

Put it in an envelope that says,

"Certified Mail: FROM THE LAW OFFICES OF......"
 
Not long ago, there was a gag on here where non-medical people were referred to as "muggles" (i.e. - non-magical people in the Harry Pottery mythos). I started using that around the shop, and it got some good chuckles.

I gotta throw this one out here, too. Remember the comic strip "Dilbert"? There was Dilbert, his nerdy, IT-department/office hijinx guy-self, and he had a dog named Dogbert and a cat named Catbert... (pretty sure that Ratbert made an appearance, too). The other day at work, we had one of those whimpy mid-20-something males who was all "waaahhh-waahh, I'm dying, I've never BEEN so sick!" over his cold/flu symptoms, and I referred to him as "Douchebert". My staff thought it was funny. I'll leave it to the board to decide whether it gets a pass or a fail.
Made me LOL, it's a keeper!
 
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