Spouse Changed For The Worse

[Yourmother]

So my wife is in a graduate program that requires all of her time.

She studies 7 days a week from early in the morning to late in the evening. The only time I get to see her she is resentful, angry, emotional, frustrated, and insensitive. When we do talk, and when she is paying attention, she hangs on my every word and searches for sarcasm so she can get get angry and get into a rage. Most often, when we talk on the phone and she is not paying attention, she admits that she was reading while we were talking calling it "multi-tasking".

She always complains about how bad she has it. I have given her everything to include paying for the car she drives, the 4 bedroom house, the meals, the bills, everything.

When I had a serious knee injury and she basically told me I was on my own and that she didn't have time or energy to concern herself with it.

I constantly take the barbs, insults, slights and return it with love, encouragement, kindness, and anything to make her feel better. Then she tries to bring up things in the past like when I was impatient or not as understanding in which I always apologize. I always take the high road.

Oh, sex is once a month. (which is horrible)

However, she spends all of waking hours outside of class at her friend's house studying. They work in a group and are incessantly together. Over Christmas break the phone would not stop ringing with her friend calling, during time together her friend would call and she'd answer.

I've tried talking with her about it in the past, getting mad and now I'm being 100% understanding and taking the path of loving, forgiving, understanding, and encouraging but now I feel like I am being a doormat. Its like she has no respect for me anymore.

Anyhow, I am concerned if this is a permanent thing? Is this going to be the new wife AFTER she graduates? When people undertake such a huge task like this do they return to being the person they were before OR do they become different forever?

She used to be sweet, quiet, confident, and now she is angry, bitter and full of rage all the time.

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[SgtDoc]

Ask her if she wants to quit. Maybe she really does, but doesn't want to admit it for whatever reason (pride, sacrifices you've made, etc.).

 

[xanthines]

Sounds like you're in a tough spot! I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but good for you for trying to stick it out. I don't know what kind of program your wife is in, but many people change after going through residencies (I'm an older medical student, so I'll try to stick to what I think I know). Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's... well, not so good. One thing to keep in mind, though is that people tend to change over time anyway.

Without knowing more, I'd say that couples therapy might be a good place to start. At least it will put you and your wife in the same room with an objective person so to help you guys sort out some issues.

Again, I'm sorry your relationship has gone awry. I hope things work out.

-X

 

[herpes]

i'm surprised she's not having more sex. it's a good way to relieve stress. you should tell her that

 

[LadyMoreta]

Wow, um, that's pretty messed up. It sounds to me like she's kind of done with the marriage. Do you have kids? Counseling might help, but only if you get a good one who won't put all the blame on you. (Too many side with the women because they figure the women are the ones pushing for counseling.) Maybe there are some things you can change, too, but don't let them be completely one-sided.

If you haven't read it already, try reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessenger (sp?). I know, the title sounds antiquated and kind of offensive to guys, but there's some really good stuff in there. Whether or not it helps, some of the examples sound a lot like your wife, so at least it might give you some insight into what she's doing.

 

[SgtDoc]

If you haven't read it already, try reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessenger (sp?). I know, the title sounds antiquated and kind of offensive to guys, but there's some really good stuff in there. Whether or not it helps, some of the examples sound a lot like your wife, so at least it might give you some insight into what she's doing.

When I was reading his post, my first thought was "what would Dr. Laura say." Haha. My gf listens to her all the time.

 

[xanthines]

Dr. Laura is... well, interesting. I don't listen to her or read a lot of her stuff, but I don't really like what I've seen so far. I'm not sure what I think of these "popular" docs (ie, Dr Phil, Dr. Drew, etc etc).

-X

 

[Danbo1957]

You, my friend, are in a deep hole - when the wife doesn't care, the marraige is in real trouble...

 

[wook]

My thought is that your wife is stressed with school. It' wasn't that long ago I was in school and studying all the time (come to think of it not much has changed). It may get more "normal" after school, but residency can be a drag too. It's hard to balance school/residency with home. You both are in a difficult position.

Wook

 

[sparkygalore]

Not like I'm in a great position to give anyone advice since I clearly am the over-reacting, stressed-out type , but there are usually 2 sides to any relationship story. What's hers? Why does she think her life so bad, for example? The way you describe it, her life doesn't sound all that different from the lives of a lot of people going through a rigorous academic period. And surely her life isn't any harder than the life of her study partner or other people in her program. So why do you think she says she "has it bad" as though things are different for her?

Just speculating, but sometimes people exaggerate complaining because they're looking to get something they aren't getting out of the person they're complaining to -- sympathy, respect, attention, etc. If that's actually what's going on, you might be able to cut her bad mood off at the pass by focusing on the one thing she feels like she's not getting (instead of trying to give everything to her at all times, which obvious is not sustainable.) Of course, if there's no one thing she's missing, you might be out of luck...

One last thing -- the sex thing is unacceptable. There are no two sides to once a month, and NO one's libido is that low. Tell her that's not a negotiable change, and that she should suck it up once a week and take 30 minutes out of her busy day to make it happen even if she's not in the mood. Maybe it's too much info, but I force myself to try to keep things going in the bedroom even when I'm too stressed to be in the mood, and I always end up having a good time and feeling really happy I made things happen. Sex releases a ton of good chemicals that make people feel a) happier and b) closer, and it sounds like you guys need both of those right now.

 

[Animus]

Is her friend of the opposite sex? Because if they are, I am guessing change means she does not want to be in the relationship. Sorry but it makes the most sense.

 

[Faebinder]

I hope you dont have kids... This is a divorce in making. If you dont have kids, get out while you still can. She does not want to be a committed to a spouse and might never be. Find someone who unselfish with their time, and respects you enough to share their time with you.

 

[mtDNA]

So my wife is in a graduate program that requires all of her time.

She studies 7 days a week from early in the morning to late in the evening. The only time I get to see her she is resentful, angry, emotional, frustrated, and insensitive. When we do talk, and when she is paying attention, she hangs on my every word and searches for sarcasm so she can get get angry and get into a rage. Most often, when we talk on the phone and she is not paying attention, she admits that she was reading while we were talking calling it "multi-tasking".

She always complains about how bad she has it. I have given her everything to include paying for the car she drives, the 4 bedroom house, the meals, the bills, everything.

When I had a serious knee injury and she basically told me I was on my own and that she didn't have time or energy to concern herself with it.

I constantly take the barbs, insults, slights and return it with love, encouragement, kindness, and anything to make her feel better. Then she tries to bring up things in the past like when I was impatient or not as understanding in which I always apologize. I always take the high road.

Oh, sex is once a month. (which is horrible)

However, she spends all of waking hours outside of class at her friend's house studying. They work in a group and are incessantly together. Over Christmas break the phone would not stop ringing with her friend calling, during time together her friend would call and she'd answer.

I've tried talking with her about it in the past, getting mad and now I'm being 100% understanding and taking the path of loving, forgiving, understanding, and encouraging but now I feel like I am being a doormat. Its like she has no respect for me anymore.

Anyhow, I am concerned if this is a permanent thing? Is this going to be the new wife AFTER she graduates? When people undertake such a huge task like this do they return to being the person they were before OR do they become different forever?

She used to be sweet, quiet, confident, and now she is angry, bitter and full of rage all the time.

Your siginificant other is definitely being a royal b****. BUT, its your fault!
sounds crazy, but its true. You are being too nice and you are a pushover. There are very few women who are happy with a man like this. A woman wants her man to be a man. That means stick up for yourself and don't be such a wimp. In the short term, she will be more angry, but in the long term, she will respect you much much more. She will also be more attracted to you. Right now, she is probably not finding you very attractive because you are making yourself look so weak. I am not saying to be a total jerk to her, but put your foot down. Stop doing some of the nice things that you do for her, and when she snaps at you, do not put up with it, call her out on it and tell her that she is being unfair. Do this everytime she is unfair, don't let it slide. Seriously, you need to work on this, even if you end your current relationship, this problem will come back to get you because your future relationships will suffer the same fate. I think it great that you care about your girl and that you want to be nice to her, but nice guys really do finish last.

 

[mtDNA]

Oh, and one more thing. If you significant other's friend is indeed a member of the opposite sex, you SHOULD express anger about it. You don't need to go crazy and forbid her from talking to him or anything like that, but let her know that there will be serious consequences for anyone who touches your girl. She will respond positively to your passion and willingness to fight for her.

 

[physics junkie]

Break it off, once you establish a pattern of behavior in a relationship it's hard to break. She has all the power and she intends to use it. Oftentimes people feel most confident using the people closest to them as punching bags. Sucks but it's true. I'm not much of an optimist when it comes to relationships.

 

[mtDNA]

Break it off, once you establish a pattern of behavior in a relationship it's hard to break. She has all the power and she intends to use it. Oftentimes people feel most confident using the people closest to them as punching bags. Sucks but it's true. I'm not much of an optimist when it comes to relationships.

Its true that it is hard to change the behavioir pattern that has already been established. Unfortunately, this is not a girlfriend we are talking about, it is the OPs wife. There is more at stake here, and it will be better to work on it than to just give up.

 

[24858]

Do you have any children? Are you married? Are you a christian or have faith in God. If you say no to those three, please get out while you can I am afraid you might get your heart broken, more than it already has, and this can all end really really badly. I am sorry your SO is such a selfish ***, but people who dont have God in their life ( and even sometimes when they do), they dont know boundaries, are extremely selfish and are very very prone to lying to themswelves, other people, this is just not a good situation. I am really sorry.

 

[MaddieMay]

Doesn't anyone take their marriage vows seriously? This is the "for worse" and possibly "in sickness" part. IMO, you don't bail just because it gets tough and messed up.

Seek couples counseling with a MFT or a PsyD. If you don't leave a stone unturned, you'll know you did everything you could. Which will be cold comfort if separation or divorce is inevitable, but comfort nonetheless.

 

[paintballdoc]

mtDNA's advice is right-on. If the friend is a member of the opposite sex, talk to her about it and find out what is going on. Do not be a pushover--be nice but DO NOT apologize for things she has done and comments she has made. Good luck!!

 

[Chuckwalla]

Oh, and one more thing. If you significant other's friend is indeed a member of the opposite sex, you SHOULD express anger about it. You don't need to go crazy and forbid her from talking to him or anything like that, but let her know that there will be serious consequences for anyone who touches your girl. She will respond positively to your passion and willingness to fight for her.

It is much more likely she will take that as more confirmation he is wrapped around her finger. She is already walking all over OP, showing how much it bothers him will only increase it. It is obvious that she does not give a damn about him.

OP, she has checked out of the relationship in my opinion.

 

[physics junkie]

mtDna--You're right, it is his wife and he should try to make it work. However, if you choose to marry someone while you're still young(meaning neither of you are "established" to whatever extent you hope to be) you're going to run into this problem of changing expectations/desires. I take very few marriages that don't meet this qualification seriously as I have little faith that someone could commit to both pursuing and furthering their career/education while at the same time committing to building a foundation with their partner. No matter what conflicts between the two commitments will arise and people will have to prioritize. It takes a very selfless person to make a situation like that work...that's one reason why most people wait until they're established and don't have to make those kinds of choices before they get married. I'm assuming the OP is young since he is a pre-med and his wife a first year grad student.

From the sound of it his relationship with his wife is horrible. It sounds like she's putting her education first above all else and has contempt for him. I guess he could try to work it out...but have you ever seen anyone with these serious of complaints about their spouse be able to resolve them? I know I haven't. I mean, he's not even getting sex! She's lost her attraction to him and worse, has contempt for him. Good luck trying to reverse that one.

 

[physics junkie]

Do you have any children? Are you married? Are you a christian or have faith in God. If you say no to those three, please get out while you can I am afraid you might get your heart broken, more than it already has, and this can all end really really badly. I am sorry your SO is such a selfish ***, but people who dont have God in their life ( and even sometimes when they do), they dont know boundaries, are extremely selfish and are very very prone to lying to themswelves, other people, this is just not a good situation. I am really sorry.

So how could having children, being married, or being a christian or having faith in God prevent him from having his heart broken? I'm interested in hearing this one.

Your generalizations about people who don't have God in their life are inappropriate and immature. No, I'm not an atheist or an agnostic. Just an offended believer pointing out what is clearly a "holier than thou" attitude. Ethics and decency aren't traits reserved for the pious.

 

[Faebinder]

So how could having children, being married, or being a christian or having faith in God prevent him from having his heart broken? I'm interested in hearing this one.

Your generalizations about people who don't have God in their life are inappropriate and immature. No, I'm not an atheist or an agnostic. Just an offended believer pointing out what is clearly a "holier than thou" attitude. Ethics and decency aren't traits reserved for the pious.

I dont think that's what she ment with her questions and statement. Having religion in your life does mean you play by commonly known rules and selfishness doesn't care about rules (it's all about the person) and so I understand what MeaCulpa ment. On the other hand, we all agree that there are non-selfish non-religious people out there and selfish religious people as well.

 

[physics junkie]

I dont think that's what she ment with her questions and statement. Having religion in your life does mean you play by commonly known rules and selfishness doesn't care about rules (it's all about the person) and so I understand what MeaCulpa ment. On the other hand, we all agree that there are non-selfish non-religious people out there and selfish religious people as well.

I think she was pretty clear with the part about people not having God in their lives.

However, looking over it again I realized I added an "or" to her sentence right here: please get out while you can or I am afraid you might get your heart broken. That gave it a completely different meaning to me. My apologies on that part.

 

[mshheaddoc]

I'd like to see how the OP responds before I give my opinion but lets say right now it sounds like she's stressed (as well as taking it out on her husband) and not interested in the relationship.

 

[24858]

yeah, I didnt mean that there arent awesome people out there who are atheists, etc., who have excellent morals...what I meant was, in my opinion, is that maybe, just maybe too, that if they are not married, dont have children, and they are not christians, well he will probably get his heart broken either way, but more out of curiousity and my own belief system that if you are a christian that it can pull you out of even this most miserable of relationship issues, just for himself-can put his faith in God, and continue to pray for his SO, and continue to follow those rules someone mentioned, even if his SO is not.....hope that made sense....

 

[Chuckwalla]

I'd like to see how the OP responds before I give my opinion but lets say right now it sounds like she's stressed (as well as taking it out on her husband) and not interested in the relationship.

If she was just stressed she wouldn't be spending all her time with her friend.

 

[devilpup]

i'm surprised she's not having more sex. it's a good way to relieve stress. you should tell her that

hhhmmmm...although this is coming from 'herpes', it is 100% true.

You should talk to your significant other with the same candor you have spoken in this forum. Make her see how supportive you've been throughout this process. Put her in the spot, and make her realize how much of a bit*h she has been to you despite all your efforts to make this relationship work. If her attitude does not change after that, then I am sorry my friend -perhaps it is time to look elsewhere for love.

 

[Yourmother]

I'd like to see how the OP responds before I give my opinion but lets say right now it sounds like she's stressed (as well as taking it out on her husband) and not interested in the relationship.

Update with answers to some questions.

Her study buddy is another female, not a male. She has spent far less time over there this semester as opposed to last semester. In part from me and in part from the material being easier.

Well it has been a couple of months and things have improved in some areas and remained the same in others. Sex is weekly as opposed to monthly. which is a plus.

Perhaps I have been too nice, but I am not a doormat. Let's get some facts about the matter. My house is 100% paid and a pre-martial asset, so I'm not worried about her running off with anything. And please don't misconstrue my being nice with being a pushover.

My wife has become an entirely different person in the past year and I've given her the benefit of the doubt. It is simply me adjusting. I am perplexed and bewildered, as are my friends, why or how someone could turn into such a monster. My wife used to be my best friend so I'm no used to "calling her out" and knock-down-drag-out arguments. We never yelled at each other, until now.

I realize that is might sound a little silly and perhaps minor but a daily dose of the following crap gets old FAST. I realize we can all be a little dramatic at times but she been in a low-grade panic for the past year. For example:

She has been interviewing for a position and the offer rescinded, and she was very upset. She sent me a text message saying she was "very upset..come home asap...blah...blah...blah...please. i love you." I call her and tell her everything will be okay. Then I drop everything, race home, come in the kitchen and she comes down stair after she hears me let the dog out. She runs in, give me a peck on the cheek, and says she'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom but that she will "...tell me all about it.."

I wait at the kitchen table and watch the McCain/ Obama debate for almost an hour. Then I realize I can hear her talking on the phone. In fact, she had been talking on the phone for a long time. Then I heard her move from the bathroom to the computer room and discuss the whole job situation with her friend.

Finally, after almost an hour she comes down. I tried to console her but said something wrong. Then she said I was not supportive, blah, blah, blah. At that point I told her how I have sat for a nearly an hour waiting for her while she talked to her friend. I told her that I showed my support by leaving class early, driving across town as fast as possible because she asked me to, because I thought she needed me and was hurting. I told her the great reward for this was being snubbed for almost an hour and being in 2nd place.

I reminded her that she made the CHOICE of her friend over me, that her friend was more important and held greater significance that her husband who she called from across town.She grabbed her phone and said she was walking the dog and said she didn't want to argue.

So I realize sounds rather trivial, but I am sick of taking third place to her friends and school. She calls me, I run home then get snubbed. I am not the default.

 

[Yourmother]

Another thing about our marriage and communication. In the old days, I used to know what to do to make her happy or piss her off. I knew what to do to get into trouble and how to get out of trouble. The boundaries were clearly marked.

Now, I never know what I am going to say or do to get her fired up. Its like she pilfers and rummages through my sentences for a negative response.

Her response is always the same. "this program is about me, this is my year to do whatever I need to do...this is mine....my time.....my goal....my success...my dreams.....mine...me..."

She keeps telling me that after she graduates she'll be normal again, but I have no proof of this.

 

[Yourmother]

If she was just stressed she wouldn't be spending all her time with her friend.

Her friend is her "study" friend.

 

[Yourmother]

I'd like to see how the OP responds before I give my opinion but lets say right now it sounds like she's stressed (as well as taking it out on her husband) and not interested in the relationship.

she is stressed. But will she change after the program is over, that is what I am hoping.

 

[dpmPOD]

Her friend is her "study" friend.

You're sure she's actually with the "study" friend and not out with someone else?

 

[Yourmother]

mshheaddoc,

you deleted your comment from last week.

why?

 

[MaddieMay]

How did she act before the program? Do you see any neglectful and disrespectful behaviors in hindsight?

 

[ekydrd]

I'm going to stir the pot a little here, but...

why does everyone assume that just because the study friend is female that nothing intimate is going on? Could be his wife is feeling a little ashamed of her feelings and unsure of how things will turn out for her in the long run. People in stressful situations often turn ON their loved ones and turn TO some one completely different for support. She could have a great deal of insecurity and may be testing her husband to see just how far she can push before he says stop. Then she can say to herself "see, he really didn't care for me." This is a subconscious behavior so she likely doesn't even know she's doing it.

To the OP... Counselling is a good idea. And go by yourself if she doesn't want to as this will help you figure out what you want and how best to go about getting it. Love her with all your heart, but let her go if she doesn't reciprocate.

 

[24858]

ekyrd,

the opiniosn you expressed, where did you come up with those theories? What are you trying to tell this guy? I just dont see how your comments are helpful, i am afraid he will read your post and go jump off a bridge....

 

[CanadianGolden]

.

 

[ekydrd]

I said these things because it happens. More often than people realize. Think about it. At anytime in your life have you had a secret crush on someone? Someone who was either of the same sex, belonged to your best friend (as a GF or BF), or was way out of your class? What were your feelings, and how would they have changed if you were able to act on those feelings?

I'm not bringing it up to offend people, just stating an observation. Many posters here mentioned the situation might be intimate if the study buddy was a guy. I just wanted to point out that that's not necessarily the case. And to MeaCulpa... yes, partly from personal experience, and partly from an observational standpoint as I have also seen things like this happen in both the gay and straight world very similar to what the OP talked about.

I don't want anyone to jump off a bridge or anything! Just be aware that everone has secrets and hidden feelings, and don't always know how to act, or if/when to act on them, so it comes out as stress and bitterness.

 

[Faebinder]

Is that because you're a religious homophobe and if you found out your SO was gay, YOU would jump off a bridge?

Jerk.

 

[Faebinder]

OP.

It's boiling down to one of three choices:

1) Get therapy for both of you. If she refuses then this option is dead.

2) Divorce. Time to find someone not so selfish. People change. Spouses change. Career, power, money and experience changes and corrupts/improves people. It's true and it's not a myth. Make that nice old man the president of a company and watch power/experience corruption in action. Some people are easily changed.

3) Put up with the status quo.

Option 3 is out..... option 1 may still be valid. But honestly, option 2 is like removing stitches... it hurts but later, it was all for the best and once you find someone else more committed to you, you will start asking yourself, "What the hell was I think?"

 

[ekydrd]

Yeah, what Faebinder said! Very valid options, and all very painful, but with options 1 & 2 the pain is short and tolerable, and option 3 just might send a person off that proverbial bridge after too long.

 

[Yourmother]

I can assure you that I don't plan on jumping off any bridges. I'm a pretty tough guy and despite being frustrated, I'm more disappointed than sad.

People here have raised some good points. As for having an affair with her "study buddy", perhaps they are. Perhaps my wife is having an emotional affair. Who knows? I'm inclined to think that her friend's house is really more a "safe place" where she can escape and be friends.

I want her to have friends like her "study buddy" but there have been weeks of her spending an intense amount of time together. Breakfast, lunch and dinner together. Carpooling, phone calls when waking up and going to sleep. It is simply ridiculous to spend that amount of time together.

Anyhow, yesterday we had a pretty serious discussion. Having been silent on the issue for a couple of months, I again told her of my concern. I told her that it was not just a matter of how much time she spent with her friend but she is held with such a deep level of respect and regard. Sparing you the boring details, a few points emerged.

My wife told me the the following regarding her study-buddy:

1. That she has been put in a very difficult position and now feels "in between" her study buddy and her husband. She said she feels in a "tug of war" of conflict and needs to "balance". She claims that she feels pressured in meeting the needs that her friendship requires and her relationship with me. (this is really insightful into her way of thinking about marriage)

2. She said she feels no regret or remorse over her actions with her study buddy. She believes that her study buddy was necessary to save her academically and attributes her success in the program soley to her friend.
She said she is entitled to having friends (of course I agree, just not at this level)

3. She says that she does not intend to spend this much time with her friend after she graduates.


Unfortunately, my wife thinks that this is merely the amount of time she spends with her friend. She believes that #3 will resolve everything. While it is the central problem, it is also the intense devotion and praise she extols to her friend. My wife claims that she and her friend can relate in a way that I will never know b/c the academic program was so intense, so as a result I am not privy. I realize that the demands of school can be intense but THIS IS FRIGGIN' NURSING SCHOOL!!!!

Please, anyone's thoughts to her #1,2 and 3.....I am curious.

thanks

 

[jdh71]

This whole situation sucks. Your wife is having an affair of sorts, even if not an all out and out real deal affair (I know it's anecdoctal but I've got more than one friend who's wife had an affair with another woman) she just doesn't beleive it and her responses to your feelings and concerns are very telling - similar to how you hear an addict use ego defense mechanisms to intellectualize, rationalize, and minimize their bad behavior. All the data points are there. This is a BIG problem.

As a guy who took his vows seriously once, but am now divorced, I don't think waiting to see what happens after graduation is a horrible thing, but you've got to be willing to cut your loses if it does not change, and sadly, I highly doubt it will.

May I ask how old your wife currently is?

 

[Yourmother]

This whole situation sucks. Your wife is having an affair of sorts, even if not an all out and out real deal affair (I know it's anecdoctal but I've got more than one friend who's wife had an affair with another woman) she just doesn't beleive it and her responses to your feelings and concerns are very telling - similar to how you hear an addict use ego defense mechanisms to intellectualize, rationalize, and minimize their bad behavior. All the data points are there. This is a BIG problem.

As a guy who took his vows seriously once, but am now divorced, I don't think waiting to see what happens after graduation is a horrible thing, but you've got to be willing to cut your loses if it does not change, and sadly, I highly doubt it will.

May I ask how old your wife currently is?

we are both in our early 30s..

 

[Yourmother]

I said these things because it happens. More often than people realize. Think about it. At anytime in your life have you had a secret crush on someone? Someone who was either of the same sex, belonged to your best friend (as a GF or BF), or was way out of your class? What were your feelings, and how would they have changed if you were able to act on those feelings?

I'm not bringing it up to offend people, just stating an observation. Many posters here mentioned the situation might be intimate if the study buddy was a guy. I just wanted to point out that that's not necessarily the case. And to MeaCulpa... yes, partly from personal experience, and partly from an observational standpoint as I have also seen things like this happen in both the gay and straight world very similar to what the OP talked about.

I don't want anyone to jump off a bridge or anything! Just be aware that everone has secrets and hidden feelings, and don't always know how to act, or if/when to act on them, so it comes out as stress and bitterness.

I accept this as a possibility. If this is true, at least I'd have something in common with Lou Diamond Phillips.

Look, whatever happens, happens. I'm not going to try to beg, plead or any of the other garbage that youngsters do. Maybe when I was raging with hormones but now that I'm in my 30s, I'm calmer, accepting and more prepared.

There was a time when something like this would really shake me up for a couple years. But age has brought wisdom and more importantly confidence. I have far more confidence now. I also have an awesome house that is 100% paid off. In fact is a premartial asset, so she can't touch it.

Oh well, I just hate for her to made this choice. Of course, I won't judge her and I hate the thought of separation and divorce. The good part is that there are soooooooo many people I could date.

Its really too bad. We had some good times together.

I lost my best friend.

 

[ekydrd]

I do feel your pain! I've been through the whole "D" thing, but when you come out on the other side you feel a whole lot better. People change, attitudes change, and feelings can change. You have my support and the support of your SDN friends!

 

[Faebinder]

Mmmm... I rephrase and repeat.

1) Therapy NOW!

or

2) Divorce.

or

3) Continue discussion and the problem repeats itself. First nursing school.. then the job... one day it will be mom ... next it will be some cousin.

You guys need therapy or break up, she will realize this later but by then it might be too late to get therapy. She clearly doesn't have family values. I'm scared to ask what was her relationship to her father or between her father and mother. That's going too deep and not for me to do.. it's for a therapist.

 

[love24]

I know this would be terrible in the long-term, but have you thought about just stopping trying? What I mean is, she seems like she expects you to be there, but she's never there for you. She's taking you for granted, and worse. If she's not willing to try therapy, protect yourself. Don't rush home when she calls. Go out with your own friends when she is with her "study buddy." When she yells at you, don't respond. It may be a little passive-aggressive, but clearly she's not responding to a direct approach that involves actual communication. Maybe she'll start to realize that she actually needs you.

 

[CanadianGolden]

What she described sounds like an emotional affair. It's not healthy. Friends are great, and should be important and close, etc etc but if she is that dependent on a friend and places her friend in much higher regard/rank than you, then she is, to some degree, having an affair. When you're in a relationship, you make an emotional commitment to another person. It sounds like she is committed to someone else right now.