Spouse just not excited

[Sodium Azide]

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Any of you have trouble getting support from your spouse? My wife was in total support of wherever I was accepted before I was not accepted in my home state a couple years ago.

This will be my second year withdrawing from a school I was accepted to because my spouse won't relocate.

The first time I was accepted to a few schools about 2000+ miles away. So I agreed to only apply no further than neighboring states the next year.

Got into one school the next year in a neighboring state. Still won't relocate. Only solution is to live separate (not my idea of fun, though lately...) or apply again as locally as possible and figure out how to explain all the withdrawls to the Adcoms.

Ug... I still hold a seat .... haven't been able to stomach the inevitable withdrawl yet.

Anyone else ever have a similar issue?

I really hate medical school applications more than ever right now.... at least I'll only have one secondary to fill out this time around. Just not sure how to handle the stress. I left my engineering position after moving to the first school. I do have a job now to fill the time, but compared to a research engineering job it's just mind numbing dribble.

 

[JeetKuneDo]

Any of you have trouble getting support from your spouse? My wife was in total support of wherever I was accepted before I was not accepted in my home state a couple years ago.

This will be my second year withdrawing from a school I was accepted to because my spouse won't relocate.

The first time I was accepted to a few schools about 2000+ miles away. So I agreed to only apply no further than neighboring states the next year.

Got into one school the next year in a neighboring state. Still won't relocate. Only solution is to live separate (not my idea of fun, though lately...) or apply again as locally as possible and figure out how to explain all the withdrawls to the Adcoms.

Ug... I still hold a seat .... haven't been able to stomach the inevitable withdrawl yet.

Anyone else ever have a similar issue?

I really hate medical school applications more than ever right now.... at least I'll only have one secondary to fill out this time around. Just not sure how to handle the stress. I left my engineering position after moving to the first school. I do have a job now to fill the time, but compared to a research engineering job it's just mind numbing dribble.

Whoa, your app must be pretty damn good to get accepted two cycles in a row. I dunno man, somehow you gotta find a way to reason with your wife. Keep the seat! Remind your wife it's just four years.

 

[Sodium Azide]

My app is actually sub par. I have a lot of work experience and publications, but as far as numbers go I'm at the bottom of the heap. I do tend to interview very well. I've had no rejections once interviewed for school or jobs. For me it's all about getting that interview.

If I withdraw and get in a third time I can drive to school... and life goes on. If I don't get in... well I'm done and I will just work as an engineer again. At least the money is good, I just hate meetings and having my sweet projects canned at the drop of a hat. I would really miss patient care.

 

[sunshinevet]

Why does your wife refuse to relocate? Do you mention the previous agreements to her? Does she have a more general problem with you doing med, vs just moving?

 

[gman33]

I guess you already applied to whatever the closest schools are and didn't get in. If that's the case, is there any reason to think you'll get in next time.

You need to have a talk with your wife. Figure out what the obstacles are to relocating. You'll run into the same issue with residency after med school. If there are valid reasons why she can't go, figure out if you can do the separate thing for a few years. Some of classmates have done that and made it work. If not, think about what is most important to you and proceed accordingly.

 

[Sodium Azide]

I do have a good chance of getting in locally this year because there is a new school opening. I don't really want to come home to an empty house every night. That's not something I ever intended with this career. I've explained that there are no guarantees with residency to her. At that point I will have no choice but to take what I get because of the debt.

 

[glamqueen]

I do have a good chance of getting in locally this year because there is a new school opening. I don't really want to come home to an empty house every night. That's not something I ever intended with this career. I've explained that there are no guarantees with residency to her. At that point I will have no choice but to take what I get because of the debt.

I have some hard advice for you. This isn't going to be easy to hear. If you have so little support and understanding from your wife with this - don't do medical school at all. I'm married, and I couldn't deal with how hard this is without my husband's full understanding and support. He's had to make other sacrifices other than living somewhere he didn't particularly care for and switching jobs. He's had to shoulder a lot more responsibility around the house and for our lives due to my studying schedule.

Honestly, without your wife's support during the entirety of this journey - you are headed for marital problems or an extremely difficult time with medical school. That partnership is vital during all of this, and I also wouldn't apply to school without knowing you guys would relocate for residency if needed. That would set you up for being incredibly in debt and no way to pay it off (because I'm assuming you wouldn't do a residency away from your spouse either = no job after graduating = no license to be a doc = no way to pay off debt from school = wasted time in school).

Without her support - I would advise giving up that seat and not doing this at all. Sorry - I know that is hard to hear. I'm just a nontrad, married MS1 speaking from my experience this last year. Perhaps my school is just incredibly difficult (well, it is), but this is my two cents.

 

[Sodium Azide]

I have some hard advice for you. This isn't going to be easy to hear. If you have so little support and understanding from your wife with this - don't do medical school at all. I'm married, and I couldn't deal with how hard this is without my husband's full understanding and support. He's had to make other sacrifices other than living somewhere he didn't particularly care for and switching jobs. He's had to shoulder a lot more responsibility around the house and for our lives due to my studying schedule.

Honestly, without your wife's support during the entirety of this journey - you are headed for marital problems or an extremely difficult time with medical school. That partnership is vital during all of this, and I also wouldn't apply to school without knowing you guys would relocate for residency if needed. That would set you up for being incredibly in debt and no way to pay it off (because I'm assuming you wouldn't do a residency away from your spouse either = no job after graduating = no license to be a doc = no way to pay off debt from school = wasted time in school).

Without her support - I would advise giving up that seat and not doing this at all. Sorry - I know that is hard to hear. I'm just a nontrad, married MS1 speaking from my experience this last year. Perhaps my school is just incredibly difficult (well, it is), but this is my two cents.

Before I give up on my true dream career I want to make sure I've done all I could and exhausted every last resource.

I started this thread to find out if anyone else had these kind of issues and how they resolved them if at all. So far my only way to resolve her obvious depression at the thought of selling the home, leaving the job, and living away from family and friends is to just do what I can to not make those things happen. I have one more shot and it looks like I'm going to do it. It will at least put a dampper on things for a few years if I get accepted (it just so happens that there are residency programs not far from my home and I would aim for those). If I don't get accepted, well then thats another issue altogether and I don't even like thinking about that.

 

[DitchDoc73]

Before I give up on my true dream career I want to make sure I've done all I could and exhausted every last resource.

I started this thread to find out if anyone else had these kind of issues and how they resolved them if at all. So far my only way to resolve her obvious depression at the thought of selling the home, leaving the job, and living away from family and friends is to just do what I can to not make those things happen. I have one more shot and it looks like I'm going to do it. It will at least put a dampper on things for a few years if I get accepted (it just so happens that there are residency programs not far from my home and I would aim for those). If I don't get accepted, well then thats another issue altogether and I don't even like thinking about that.

It sounds like you have already made up your mind to give up the seat this year and reapply to your local school. If your wife is not supportive of moving to medical school, then the relationship will not work if you pursue medical school out of state. I do not envy the decision that you will have to make. Personally my wife and I will be living apart for the first year of school. She is unable to relocate because she is finishing nursing school, but she is still supportive of my attending medical school. We will only be living 3.5 hours away from each other, so we will be able to visit some weekends. Our solution to the problem is trying to visit when possible, and of course skype. We both look at it as a sacrifice for the future.

It sounds like you need to sit down and talk with your wife about the individual problems she has with moving. Even if you do apply again successfully next year, what are you going to do in 4 years when residency comes up? It is very likely (not absolute though), that you will have to move for residency. What is she going to do then? Is she still going to refuse to move? If she says that she will move for residency, and then renegs when it comes time to move, what are you going to do? I hate giving people advice to not pursue your dream, but it sounds like the decision you have to make is medical school vs your marriage. I wish you the best of luck with this, because it is a decision that I would never want to make!

 

[glamqueen]

It sounds like you have already made up your mind to give up the seat this year and reapply to your local school. If your wife is not supportive of moving to medical school, then the relationship will not work if you pursue medical school out of state. I do not envy the decision that you will have to make. Personally my wife and I will be living apart for the first year of school. She is unable to relocate because she is finishing nursing school, but she is still supportive of my attending medical school. We will only be living 3.5 hours away from each other, so we will be able to visit some weekends. Our solution to the problem is trying to visit when possible, and of course skype. We both look at it as a sacrifice for the future.

It sounds like you need to sit down and talk with your wife about the individual problems she has with moving. Even if you do apply again successfully next year, what are you going to do in 4 years when residency comes up? It is very likely (not absolute though), that you will have to move for residency. What is she going to do then? Is she still going to refuse to move? If she says that she will move for residency, and then renegs when it comes time to move, what are you going to do? I hate giving people advice to not pursue your dream, but it sounds like the decision you have to make is medical school vs your marriage. I wish you the best of luck with this, because it is a decision that I would never want to make!

Agreed again, and I think the point I was trying to make wasn't about where you were living to go to school at all. Is your wife on board with you being in school at all? Say you do get into the school nearby - how will she feel about making the financial and daily sacrifices that involve being a spouse to a medical student. And this is your ideal situation - at the school nearby. Your wife will still need to make significant changes in her life if that particular school is as difficult as mine. Shouldering more responsibility for the family, taking over managing daily tasks, keeping you guys afloat while your life is the books - it is a different world. You won't be available for many parties on the weekends with friends, family visits with her parents, her friends, her sister/brother's family. Lake trips on the weekends - it doesn't matter if it is nice out - you may have a test = you can't go. Life will change significantly even if you are nearby her at school. If she isn't ready to make these changes with you - it still won't work if you are close by. I guess that is what I am trying to say. I can't tell you how many times my husband manages our household affairs to the point that I don't even know what is going on, because I am trying to stay focused on school and what is coming up for my schedule. He keeps us afloat and living, and he makes huge sacrifices for his own time and happiness to do this. We miss parties, family visits, lake trips, beach trips, happy hours, ball games - you name it. Or he goes alone!

Medical school changes a lot of things about your marriage, and it works best if both parties are very committed to this.

 

[AMEHigh]

I have some hard advice for you. This isn't going to be easy to hear. If you have so little support and understanding from your wife with this - don't do medical school at all. I'm married, and I couldn't deal with how hard this is without my husband's full understanding and support. He's had to make other sacrifices other than living somewhere he didn't particularly care for and switching jobs. He's had to shoulder a lot more responsibility around the house and for our lives due to my studying schedule.

Honestly, without your wife's support during the entirety of this journey - you are headed for marital problems or an extremely difficult time with medical school. That partnership is vital during all of this, and I also wouldn't apply to school without knowing you guys would relocate for residency if needed. That would set you up for being incredibly in debt and no way to pay it off (because I'm assuming you wouldn't do a residency away from your spouse either = no job after graduating = no license to be a doc = no way to pay off debt from school = wasted time in school).

Without her support - I would advise giving up that seat and not doing this at all. Sorry - I know that is hard to hear. I'm just a nontrad, married MS1 speaking from my experience this last year. Perhaps my school is just incredibly difficult (well, it is), but this is my two cents.

I bascially agree with this. If your wife isn't on board with you now, what is she going to do in the future for residency and possibly fellowship?

My husband and I have come to understand that we will probably have to live apart in the future due to our careers and/or relocate a few times. It's part of the territory of being a medical student and doctor.

If she won't support you and move then I honestly think that's a bad sign. I only applied to schools in big cities because I knew that would be the best place for my husband to find a job and it worked out. It's been somewhat hard for him to adjust to not having many friends, but he's been supportive.

I can't say I would choose going to medical school over my husband if it came down to it, but I wouldn't be with a person that wasn't in support of my career in the first place, so it's kind of hard for me to put myself in your situation.

Why doesn't your wife want to move?

 

[eablackwell]

I agree with the above posters, without support from your spouse, med school is not going to work.

My husband and I don't want to live apart either, but we decided that whatever school I get into, I'm going. If he can move with me, great, if not, I'm only applying to schools with big airport hubs where we can get cheap flights with no layovers to visit each other whenever we get the chance.

You need a spouse that is 100% supportive and believes in you. Med school is stressful, hell the road to med school is an emotional minefield in and of itself.

It sounds to me like this is an excuse (from the spouse) to stall/stop you moving forward. It will likely not get better unless you guys have a serious talk that does not include you giving up your dream for the 2nd year in a row. You need to ask yourself if you are the only one interested in the happiness of the other person. I drove 3 hours a day 5 days a week to finish my bachelor's degree because my husband found his dream job, and I wanted him to be happy. You should expect more of your wife in that area.

 

[Dianyla]

I can't say I would choose going to medical school over my husband if it came down to it, but I wouldn't be with a person that wasn't in support of my career in the first place, so it's kind of hard for me to put myself in your situation.

This.

If I had a partner/spouse who was this unsupportive about my dreams, they wouldn't be my partner/spouse for long. You're basically in a Catch-22 type situation, where no matter which option you choose is going to cause someone pain.

How will you feel in your marriage if you give this up and don't get another acceptance? I can't imagine not feeling resentful, and that drives a pretty big wedge into any relationship.

You may not get another chance at medschool, in fact I'm surprised you got a seat the second time around. Giving up a past acceptance once is sketchy enough, but giving one up twice is almost asking to be blacklisted.

 

[DrMidlife]

If you walk away, 10-20-30 years from now you'll still want to be a doctor, and your wife will still be what kept you from being one. Can you handle that?

 

[MalachiConstant]

I think another wife would be easier to obtain than another med school acceptance after giving up your seat 2 years in a row.

In all seriousness though, if you give up your dreams for her, could your marriage continue without you harboring extreme resentment? I know I couldn't do that. I don't envy your situation, but I wish you the best of luck.

 

[QofQuimica]

Anyone else ever have a similar issue?

Yes, and it was a major factor in making my decision to go to grad school instead of med school when we graduated from college. In the end, it didn't matter--we couldn't keep the relationship together, and I went on for my PhD and then to med school on my own.

I do have a job now to fill the time, but compared to a research engineering job it's just mind numbing dribble.

So is much of medical school, especially the first two years. Your main job at that point is to memorize trivia for exams. Not that there weren't some cool aspects of the first two years also, and some of the material is interesting to learn. But if you're coming to med school expecting to be intellectually stimulated as if you were still doing research, you're liable to be disappointed in many ways. Even patient care proceeds according to algorithm a fair amount of the time.

I agree with the people who have said that you unfortunately may have to make a hard choice. Not all marriages are strong enough to withstand the pressure of med school and beyond, and going to med school may not be worth it to you if you can be happy as an engineer and you want to stay with your wife. At any rate, it sounds like you've made up your mind to try again close to home, and if you think that's the only way you might be able to balance the competing values in your life, then it's at least worth a try.

Best of luck to you. 🙂

 

[ShyRem]

I think you need marriage counseling. I think you both needed counseling after turning down the first seat.

Of course, marriage counseling won't help you make a quick decision, but perhaps a mediator?

Here are your options:
1. just forget about med school and bow to your wife. Always. But be happy if you're ok being second fiddle.
2. Forget about med school and resent the heck out of your wife for the remainder of your marriage.
3. You go to med school and she stays home. Long distance relationship.
4. You go to med school and she stays home until she figures out what she wants - you or her social circle.
5. You divorce.
6. You both go to med school, she resents the heck out of you and makes your life miserable.
7. You both go to med school, she adjusts and is supportive and happy in 8 years when you're making a mint.

Right now you're not a team. The chances of your marriage making it no matter what your choice is not good unless you get some serious marriage counseling. In the end, you need to make a decision. And soon, because acceptances don't wait around forever. You could always send in your deposit and then if she absolutely says no and you opt for options 1 or 2 above, you give up your seat the week before classes start to some lucky person who would sell their soul for the opportunity for med school.

Sorry, I call 'em like I see 'em.

 

[NTF]

Regardless of what you choose I'd also like to point out that you've got some major communication issues going on. It should have never gotten to the point where you ended up applying to schools that your spouse would refuse to relocate to. Either you're not communicating, she's not communicating or you're both on parallel paths w/o consultation.

Best of luck. It's not an easy situation. I have an extremely supportive spouse and we still bump heads now and again, even though we're on the same page.

 

[Simplify]

I don't mean to sound cold, but your wife is very selfish. What could she possibly have going on that precludes her from moving for a couple of years?

I couldn't be married to a woman that wouldn't let me follow my dreams--and the reverse situation is also true. I've already given up my original passion so that my wife could pursue hers.

 

[CookDeRosa]

Any of you have trouble getting support from your spouse? My wife was in total support of wherever I was accepted before I was not accepted in my home state a couple years ago.

This will be my second year withdrawing from a school I was accepted to because my spouse won't relocate.

The first time I was accepted to a few schools about 2000+ miles away. So I agreed to only apply no further than neighboring states the next year.

Got into one school the next year in a neighboring state. Still won't relocate. Only solution is to live separate (not my idea of fun, though lately...) or apply again as locally as possible and figure out how to explain all the withdrawls to the Adcoms.

Ug... I still hold a seat .... haven't been able to stomach the inevitable withdrawl yet.

Anyone else ever have a similar issue?

I really hate medical school applications more than ever right now.... at least I'll only have one secondary to fill out this time around. Just not sure how to handle the stress. I left my engineering position after moving to the first school. I do have a job now to fill the time, but compared to a research engineering job it's just mind numbing dribble.

>>

I feel for your situation, I REALLY REALLY do! For about 12 months, my husband and I have discussed if/when I would start the path to med school. We have a strong marriage- and we just celebrated our 17 year anniversary and we have 4 children. I'm not suggesting you do what we do, but in our marriage, "no" is always trump.

Edit- I think when you're 19 you get to call all your own shots- you get to be selfish. I'd even argue that you should be. But, when you get married, you picked a different set of rules.

 

[wagmanager]

ok here's the deal

First off, If you discussed this with you wife before applying and she is still backing out at the last minute,you have to remind her of her promise. if she still says no, then you have a decision to make. forget about med school and possibly resent her or go to med school and risk your marriage breaking down.
Also don't bank on getting accepted a third time, personally if I was on the Adcoms i would not take you, I would take someone who doesn't have marriage constraints keeping them from attending not once but twice.
In every marriage at different times one spouse has to make sacrifces to enable the other to pursue their dream. If your spouse is unwilling to do this and is ok with you giving up your dream twice you need to go for counseling because that is not the way a marriage should be.(see SHYREM'S) posts on how her family helped her choose medical school and residency spots and the sacrifices her husband continues to make.
Is there anybody who can talk to her? Medical school is not a dream given up lightly and if you are still together you WILL resent her

 

[Excelsius]

Any of you have trouble getting support from your spouse? My wife was in total support of wherever I was accepted before I was not accepted in my home state a couple years ago.

This will be my second year withdrawing from a school I was accepted to because my spouse won't relocate.

The first time I was accepted to a few schools about 2000+ miles away. So I agreed to only apply no further than neighboring states the next year.

Got into one school the next year in a neighboring state. Still won't relocate. Only solution is to live separate (not my idea of fun, though lately...) or apply again as locally as possible and figure out how to explain all the withdrawls to the Adcoms.

Ug... I still hold a seat .... haven't been able to stomach the inevitable withdrawl yet.

Anyone else ever have a similar issue?

I really hate medical school applications more than ever right now.... at least I'll only have one secondary to fill out this time around. Just not sure how to handle the stress. I left my engineering position after moving to the first school. I do have a job now to fill the time, but compared to a research engineering job it's just mind numbing dribble.

Can't say much about the relationship except to reconsider whether you're in the right relationship before you have any kids. One day you might find yourself separating from her and on top of that you will have passed up a career as well.

As far as dealing with the situation with what you have right now, why don't you consider applying Early Decision to your local school? You might also want to meet with the school adcoms and explain your situation. If there is more than one school, do the EDP where your chances will be best. Not all schools offer EDP (early decision program) and you can apply to only one school. If you're not accepted, you won't know until October or so and then your application to the rest of the schools can commence, except that you might not get in anywhere else because it is very late in the cycle. So there is a risk.

 

[ShyRem]

Even if the OP does get in early decision, what about residency? If they only list one program in their area and nothing else and don't get it, what then?

 

[Bili Rubin 01]

I am not married, thus I have no place to advise you of all questions marriage-related.

As far as your current acceptance goes, is there any way you could defer it? I know that some schools allow you to postpone by 1 year given a good reason... A part of me wants to suggest that you find out whether it is possible to defer school while re-applying this cycle to see whether you can get into the school of choice, subsequently declining the deferred acceptance... The other part of me does not think that this is very professional behavior (even if it is possible to apply to other schools, you promised someone else you would go to theirs). However, you are in a very sticky situation that needs desperate measures, so it's all relative. If you don't get into your state school the 3rd time around, you may have to go to the other school that granted you deferred acceptance (if your "wife situation" is resolved, that is). At least you'll have one bridge left for another year, instead of burning them all at once... Like I said, I do not think it's very professional or courteous, but it may be an option to consider (and find out whether this is even allowed). Either way, the school will be able to replace your spot this year and save it for you the following year (and give it to someone else if you choose to decline then). So I don't feel like other applicants are being "screwed over" -- for the lack of a better expression.

 

[Excelsius]

Even if the OP does get in early decision, what about residency? If they only list one program in their area and nothing else and don't get it, what then?

That's true, but as far as the immediate solutions are concerned, he should give it a shot. I think that the rigors of medical school and rotations/away rotations + clinicals will test the relationship and expose the incompatibility to both parties. It will be much easier to part that way rather than to break up preemptively for the sole reason of attending medical school, even though some decisions can be made even at this point. By the time residency rolls around in four years, both partners might be single. Meanwhile, it would be unwise to have any children until these dichotomies are resolves, regardless whether the OP goes to medical school or not.

 

[EdLongshanks]

I don't mean to sound cold, but your wife is very selfish. What could she possibly have going on that precludes her from moving for a couple of years?

I couldn't be married to a woman that wouldn't let me follow my dreams--and the reverse situation is also true. I've already given up my original passion so that my wife could pursue hers.

A spouse may not be excited because the idea is just not that good. A married couple dreams together, not separately. There's not "your dream" and "my dream", but our dream.

Typically one spouse can catch a temporary excitement that the natural caution of the other will not be infected by. This may mean that the dreaming spouse is not as excited as he seems to be. His wife's caution encourages him to re-evaluate.

I would be careful before I called a woman that I did not know "selfish" with the evidence of a couple of paragraphs written by her husband.

I would be doubly careful before I encouraged a husband to start his marriage down a path to separation. Future physicians should follow a rule of "first, do no harm."

 

[gman33]

I don't think the OPs wife is selfish for not wanting to move.
I'm sure she has good reasons. If my wife had told me she couldn't have dealt with all this med school stuff, I would have never pursued it.

Some days I wish she told me not to do it...

 

[ShyRem]

We did try to warn you gman.... 😉

 

[murfettie]

doesn't she get bored living in the same for eternity?

 

[plauto]

from personal experience: take the seat. Your spouse will find other reasons for not being happy in the future, and you will be without a wife and without your MD or DO degree....

 

[Sodium Azide]

Whoa! No one is divorcing anyone here. Wow! Relax, take a mintue and breath. I made a commitment to her and to our marriage way before I ever applied to a single school so that comes first. I hope the Adcoms can take some consideration into the fact that I am of good moral character.

She does have her reasons for staying home. I can't say I disagree with them. They are all valid, for her, our family, and our marriage as I feel distance would not be helpful. (Yes, yes, residency. I know, but one hurdle at a time folks.) The biggest thing is that I would be putting it all on the line for this one school. That's stressful.

As far as a deferment. Well, I also feel bad asking a school to be my second choice for a year while I get things together. However, I must admit, it would hurt no one and it's just as easy as them putting me on hold.

 

[AMEHigh]

Whoa! No one is divorcing anyone here. Wow! Relax, take a mintue and breath. I made a commitment to her and to our marriage way before I ever applied to a single school so that comes first. I hope the Adcoms can take some consideration into the fact that I am of good moral character.

She does have her reasons for staying home. I can't say I disagree with them. They are all valid, for her, our family, and our marriage as I feel distance would not be helpful. (Yes, yes, residency. I know, but one hurdle at a time folks.) The biggest thing is that I would be putting it all on the line for this one school. That's stressful.

As far as a deferment. Well, I also feel bad asking a school to be my second choice for a year while I get things together. However, I must admit, it would hurt no one and it's just as easy as them putting me on hold.

What if the school says no deferment? Is your wife willing to relocate in a year?

From my understanding many schools are very strict about deferment and it has to be something like a relative dying/very sick, military service, etc.

I know you want to take it 1 step at a time, but residency is something that you need to think about and be honest about now. If you do decide to go to med school, residency is only a few short years away and what happens when you get into a residency program across the country and your wife is unwilling to move again?

Are there any compromises that you all have talked about? I know for my husband and I, I relocated for him to get his masters degree and now he's relocated for me to go to med school to make things "even." I think marriage is all about compromise and working together.

 

[Excelsius]

Whoa! No one is divorcing anyone here. Wow! Relax, take a mintue and breath. I made a commitment to her and to our marriage way before I ever applied to a single school so that comes first. I hope the Adcoms can take some consideration into the fact that I am of good moral character.

She does have her reasons for staying home. I can't say I disagree with them. They are all valid, for her, our family, and our marriage as I feel distance would not be helpful. (Yes, yes, residency. I know, but one hurdle at a time folks.) The biggest thing is that I would be putting it all on the line for this one school. That's stressful.

As far as a deferment. Well, I also feel bad asking a school to be my second choice for a year while I get things together. However, I must admit, it would hurt no one and it's just as easy as them putting me on hold.

I don't think anyone is suggesting you divorce, but you need to be honest with yourself. Right now you have it much easier. After medschool, you might have kids and $200K+ debt. You won't have the same luxury of postponing your residency year after year and your choice of specialties might be limited...

The other option is just to move on and give up medicine if it doesn't work out. Forgetting the ethics, I am not sure whether the system allows for a deferment (if it is granted) and a simultaneous application cycle. Given your situation, I am not sure if deferment gets you anything anyway.

 

[glamqueen]

Whoa! No one is divorcing anyone here. Wow! Relax, take a mintue and breath. I made a commitment to her and to our marriage way before I ever applied to a single school so that comes first. I hope the Adcoms can take some consideration into the fact that I am of good moral character.

She does have her reasons for staying home. I can't say I disagree with them. They are all valid, for her, our family, and our marriage as I feel distance would not be helpful. (Yes, yes, residency. I know, but one hurdle at a time folks.) The biggest thing is that I would be putting it all on the line for this one school. That's stressful.

As far as a deferment. Well, I also feel bad asking a school to be my second choice for a year while I get things together. However, I must admit, it would hurt no one and it's just as easy as them putting me on hold.

Aren't you putting it all on the line for that one school every year anyway, since she won't move to even the next state to go to the school you are accepted to now? It seems it already is this one school or nothing, so you I do think you might as well apply early decision to it.

For those that suggested deferrment and then applying in the cycle again in the meantime - I know that isn't allowed with a few schools in my state. I can't imagine why it would be allowed other places. It's very unethical. Don't defer if you have no intention/ability to attend. Just turn the seat down. You said your wife's reasons for not being able to move are very valid, so you already know you can't go to this school. You ought to turn down your seat so someone else who is dying to go can attend, and then apply again early decision. You are risking a lot, because I've actually never heard of anyone turning down seats to school two years in a row and getting in again the third year. I actually thought that schools made notes about that kind of thing since they are able to know if you have been accepted before etc. However, you sound very determined to try this again, so what do you have to lose?

 

[ShyRem]

Ok, I'll ask the big unspoken questions here:

Why in the world did you ever apply to these schools you turned down and are about to turn down if you knew your wife would never let you go there? You wasted money (twice even), your time, the adcoms time.

Do you want to be a doctor or not?

And what kind of spouse would deliberately hold someone back from a dream that few get the chance to achieve?

If your wife knew you were applying and allowed you to do so, either she was hoping you wouldn't get in (unlikely as you got in before), or she effectively lied by not saying "I'm not goin' there" (or worse, by supporting your application) before you even wasted your time and money.

And let me also say, just to put my questions in some kind of perspective, I'm married with children and my husband threw away an entire career for my dream. And he couldn't be happier or prouder of his wife. Truth be told, I also threw away a chance at a career to marry him 17 years ago, so you could say turn about is fair play. Bottom line is I wouldn't think of holding him back from chasing his dreams if it was within the realm of possibility they might be achieved. Nor would he hold me back. We each want what is best for the other, not what is necessarily best for us individually.

 

[wagmanager]

Ok, I'll ask the big unspoken questions here:

Why in the world did you ever apply to these schools you turned down and are about to turn down if you knew your wife would never let you go there? You wasted money (twice even), your time, the adcoms time.

Do you want to be a doctor or not?

And what kind of spouse would deliberately hold someone back from a dream that few get the chance to achieve?

If your wife knew you were applying and allowed you to do so, either she was hoping you wouldn't get in (unlikely as you got in before), or she effectively lied by not saying "I'm not goin' there" (or worse, by supporting your application) before you even wasted your time and money.

And let me also say, just to put my questions in some kind of perspective, I'm married with children and my husband threw away an entire career for my dream. And he couldn't be happier or prouder of his wife. Truth be told, I also threw away a chance at a career to marry him 17 years ago, so you could say turn about is fair play. Bottom line is I wouldn't think of holding him back from chasing his dreams if it was within the realm of possibility they might be achieved. Nor would he hold me back. We each want what is best for the other, not what is necessarily best for us individually.

so true.

 

[glamqueen]

so true.

I actually want to bookmark this thread somewhere on my computer, so that everytime I don't feel appreciative of my husband, I can go and read this story. I'm really really glad my marriage doesn't work this way. I can't imagine how I"d function if it did. This is a great reminder to be thankful for what "function" rather than "dysfunction" you have. And OP -this isn't a slam to you, but I do consider any marriage where the husband spends thousands of dollars for two years in a row applying to medical school with all that is required to do that only to have the wife not let him go to any of the schools he was accepted to (that she knew he was applying to) TWO YEARS in a row - DYSFUNCTIONAL. Sorry. This thread is making me want to go and bake a freaking pie for my husband or something. 🙂

 

[wholeheartedly]

I really have to agree with the other posters that something went wrong in the communication process here well before you got to this point. Before you do anything you really need to figure out what that was. Did you not communicate what your plans were? Did she agree with your plans when you applied and as now changed her stance? I've just got this feeling that maybe she really doesn't want you to go period and is just using this as a reason to say no that she might think is more justifiable than whatever the real reason is. I think the first thing you need to do is sit down and really discuss how you got to this point and figure out what's really going on beneath the surface here. I think there's more to this than you might be aware of. Good luck.

 

[PharmaTope]

well if you don't go, would you like to live vicariously through me?

You can help sponsor my education and I can give you free updates all the time, let you read my notes and books, on top of that, I can provide free medical visits etc when I practice for you and your immediate family.

Let me know

 

[EdLongshanks]

I actually want to bookmark this thread somewhere on my computer, so that everytime I don't feel appreciative of my husband, I can go and read this story. I'm really really glad my marriage doesn't work this way. I can't imagine how I"d function if it did. This is a great reminder to be thankful for what "function" rather than "dysfunction" you have. And OP -this isn't a slam to you, but I do consider any marriage where the husband spends thousands of dollars for two years in a row applying to medical school with all that is required to do that only to have the wife not let him go to any of the schools he was accepted to (that she knew he was applying to) TWO YEARS in a row - DYSFUNCTIONAL. Sorry. This thread is making me want to go and bake a freaking pie for my husband or something. 🙂

My goodness folks, I've gone to church my entire life and never seen anyone judged this harshly. Come on, the guy opened up to us about a communication problem with his wife and we are ready to call his whole relationship dysfunctional at best and try to talk him into visiting a divorce lawyer at worst.

We have a couple of traditional rules here. One is that we don't use arguments in the forum to predict what kind of doctors the other posters will be. I wish we could add another. We shouldn't judge each other's marriages on the basis of the incomplete information provided here.

 

[Engineer2MD]

I think you need marriage counseling. I think you both needed counseling after turning down the first seat.

This.

Something else is going on here, either with the OP or his wife. There are bigger problems at work besides "I want to go to med school and she won't let me." The two of you need to sit down and figure out what those issues are. THEN make the decision.

As it stands right now, no matter what happens, someone will end up resenting the other person. That is a road you don't want to go down.

I think anyone who has been married awhile and had problems will tell you that counseling is the best thing they ever did. Take our advice and talk to someone about it.

Best of luck to you both.

 

[EdLongshanks]

My goodness folks, I've gone to church my entire life and never seen anyone judged this harshly. Come on, the guy opened up to us about a communication problem with his wife and we are ready to call his whole relationship dysfunctional at best and try to talk him into visiting a divorce lawyer at worst.

We have a couple of traditional rules here. One is that we don't use arguments in the forum to predict what kind of doctors the other posters will be. I wish we could add another. We shouldn't judge each other's marriages on the basis of the incomplete information provided here.

I know that we are all a little mono-maniacle here. We are all about getting into Med-school and being good doctor's. But just because that is the focus of this group and our lives right now doesn't mean that it is ALL THERE IS TO LIFE.

Remember, we when we get through all of this madness, we have finished our residencies we need to still have our families. Schools come and go, phases of life come and go, but family is forever.

 

[Neurocentric]

My goodness folks, I've gone to church my entire life and never seen anyone judged this harshly. Come on, the guy opened up to us about a communication problem with his wife and we are ready to call his whole relationship dysfunctional at best and try to talk him into visiting a divorce lawyer at worst.

We have a couple of traditional rules here. One is that we don't use arguments in the forum to predict what kind of doctors the other posters will be. I wish we could add another. We shouldn't judge each other's marriages on the basis of the incomplete information provided here.

No one is judging; it is simply the truth. Unfortunately, the OP asked for advice and most people on these forums call them like they see them. She made a promise to be supportive of him and now he's gone in both feet first and she's backing out, which is a horrible situation to be in. Obviously there is something missing in the relationship - communication, really - that is forcing the OP to make a decision like this and it isn't fair for him to make it when before he applied, his wife was on board.

While I can't say I agree with some of what was said in the post that you originally quoted, I think that ShyRem and some of the others have hit the nail right on the head.

OP, while I understand you made a commitment in this marriage and to your wife.. didn't she make the same commitment to you? If you make the decision to not go to medical school, will you harbor resentful feelings towards her? The decision to go to medical school is not a light one, and I find it wasn't right for her to tell you that she supports you the whole way and then back out in the middle of it. Not saying that she's selfish, but it seemed she assumed you'd find an in-state school, get an in-state residency, and you'd always be close by, and that's not how it works and she's realizing that.

Sit down with her. Have a serious candid conversation with her. I don't know if you had laid out what life would be like for her in the coming years beforehand, but it sounds like you didn't, and she's in for a rude awakening, and that's the issue.

 

[dotdash]

I'm with Ed -- there is a LOT of judgment going on here. None of you (except the OP) know this woman from Eve and yet you are willing to condemn her as unsupportive and write off their marriage. I think Ed puts it kindly to ascribe all this judgment to medical-school-one-track minds. Trashing women for not standing by their men has another term where I come from and it starts with "mis" and ends with "gyny"

Maybe she has a dying mother? Maybe she has to stay close to home for her chemo treatments? I'm not saying any of these things are true, I'm just trying to point out HOW LITTLE of this situation any of us are aware of.

Plus, there is a good possibility this is a troll.

 

[glamqueen]

I'm with Ed -- there is a LOT of judgment going on here. None of you (except the OP) know this woman from Eve and yet you are willing to condemn her as unsupportive and write off their marriage. I think Ed puts it kindly to ascribe all this judgment to medical-school-one-track minds. Trashing women for not standing by their men has another term where I come from and it starts with "mis" and ends with "gyny"

Maybe she has a dying mother? Maybe she has to stay close to home for her chemo treatments? I'm not saying any of these things are true, I'm just trying to point out HOW LITTLE of this situation any of us are aware of.

Plus, there is a good possibility this is a troll.

If I had a dying mother and/or chemo treatments I had to stay home for, I probably wouldn't have let my husband spend two cycle's worth of thousands of dollars on applying to medical schools that weren't at home.

I posted constructive advice for the OP, but my last post was my opinion of the situation as it was presented. In a marriage, you don't spend thousands of dollars applying to things you'll never go to. At least in my marriage. It was merely my opinion, though. Perhaps this is a normal activity for some people, which is entirely their right.

I do hope the OP takes the constructive advice given in this thread. There is plenty of it outside of the personal opinions (my own included).

 

[ShyRem]

OP asked for advice; given his input, thus my output.

And as for "family is forever", not in this society where 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce in the US. Many people go into marriage with a very selfish ideal and this is why marriages don't last. Far better to figure out your spouse is selfish and the marriage won't make it before you have children; however I also agree that few people view marriage as forever anymore - marriage is taken as "it's right for right now." A shame. A good marriage is a give and take - not a dangle the carrot in front of your spouse and then slam the door shut relationship. Give and take = partnership. Dangle carrot and then slam the door shut = selfish.

I call 'em like I see 'em. And I reserve the right to change/adjust my opinion if more information is forthcoming.

 

[DitchDoc73]

I'm with Ed -- there is a LOT of judgment going on here. None of you (except the OP) know this woman from Eve and yet you are willing to condemn her as unsupportive and write off their marriage. I think Ed puts it kindly to ascribe all this judgment to medical-school-one-track minds. Trashing women for not standing by their men has another term where I come from and it starts with "mis" and ends with "gyny"

Maybe she has a dying mother? Maybe she has to stay close to home for her chemo treatments? I'm not saying any of these things are true, I'm just trying to point out HOW LITTLE of this situation any of us are aware of.

Plus, there is a good possibility this is a troll.

First, the OP starts off the thread saying that his wife is not supportive. This was a given in the situation presented, not just harsh judgement of "medical-school-one-track-minds."

Second, the OP states that his wife is suffering from "obvious depression at the thought of selling the home, leaving the job, and living away from family and friends." That is all that we are given, and I think that is all that the OP wants us to know. He never mentions anything about a dying mother or any other significant life event (then again I guess all of us are dying, just some of us faster than others....Sorry dark humor 🙂!)

Many people gave (or have attempted to give) fair and balanced information in an attempt to help the OP. Yes a few people went a little overboard in their opinions, but what else is expected on SDN. I think deep down most everyone wishes the OP the best in this situation.

 

[EdLongshanks]

A shame. A good marriage is a give and take - not a dangle the carrot in front of your spouse and then slam the door shut relationship. Give and take = partnership. Dangle carrot and then slam the door shut = selfish.

Sometimes I'm selfish, less commonly, my wife is. Mrs. Longshanks isn't quite digging in her heals, but there may be a skid mark or two. But if it turned out that I wanted to move her to some god-forsaken place like NoTrees, TX or (God help us) Hobbs, NM. Then I might find out how deep heels can dig.

In the give-and-take of a healthy (not dysfunctional) family there are occasional games of chicken. But both partners need to know, as my wife and I do, that our vows to each other don't expire and won't be broken. This is the attitude that I see in the OP, although I may be projecting.

I'm sorry that our society has taught people to think differently than this. These posts are my little attempt to nudge the culture back to a better path.

 

[EdLongshanks]

I'm sorry that our society has taught people to think differently than this. These posts are my little attempt to nudge the culture back to a better path.

I can't help but say just a little bit more. You all have pushed my "passionate" button. In this case it's passionate by all definitions.

Marriage is different from shacking up because marriage is a vow. Marriage recognizes that there are times when these two people won't really want to be with each other, or they will feel that they will be better off apart, but they stay together not because they feel like staying together, but for the sake of the vow.

And over the long term it will work for almost everyone (let's put aside the exceptions for the moment). Even though marriage may make me a little less happy on Monday, the benefits on Friday will more than make up for it.

So the OP has a spouse who is making him unhappy because she is either getting cold feet or finally expressing the doubt that she repressed until now. Either she will decide that his dreams are worth more than her fears, or she will dig in her heels and he won't go. In either case, in 2020 they will still be together, he will either be an attending physician or in his same profession. In either case, he will have HER and their children. They will have the confidence and joy of knowing that nothing will separate them.

If on the other hand, he took some of y'all's advice. He packs up and leaves to follow his dream. In 2020 he will finally be an attending physician and able to attract a new trophy-wife. He's already learned that women are interchangeable. He'll have the trophy, but he won't trust her. Having used women for the past 20 years he has no respect for any of them. Now he's a successful middle-aged cynic.

Over the long-term, the marriage is the better deal, even when it keeps us from living our "dreams". I've lived my dream for the past 23 years, sometimes in shacks, and sometimes in poverty, but always together with my wife and children. Now I'm adding on a dream - a dream of helping others in the U.S. and on the mission field. Maybe I'll also be able to give my wife a few more material things. If I do, she will be no more and no less happy than she is right now.

 

[ShyRem]

Not always, Ed. My first husband turned into an alcoholic, verbal abuser, and cheater and the marriage was not pretty. When it ended (he asked for a divorce once he found a job while I was working 3 jobs to pay the bills) I threw a party. My second husband is wonderful. Had I stayed with the first ***** I would be a much different person. And not a better one. Some marriages are better off gone. So don't sit there in judgment of those who have decided the vow is worth breaking.