Spouses and Significant Others?

[orcagirl]

So I've been lucky to have been accepted into multiple schools and am working on making a decisions. I am wondering for those of you in school now or who have made decisions how high did your SO and their ability to find a job rank in your decisions. Also how did you or they go about finding which cities would be better for their career?

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[Lissarae06]

So I've been lucky to have been accepted into multiple schools and am working on making a decisions. I am wondering for those of you in school now or who have made decisions how high did your SO and their ability to find a job rank in your decisions. Also how did you or they go about finding which cities would be better for their career?

I was accepted to K-State and Ok-State. My husband had a job in Oklahoma with good job security. If I had gotten into K-State but not Ok-State, I was going to move to Manhattan and he was going to stay in OK. We would've been about 4 hrs apart driving. He got 4 days off at a time so he was going to spend those days with me in Kansas. Not the most ideal way to spend the first 4 years of marriage. Luckily, I got into Ok-State and we were able to live together.

 

[NYGXLVIChamps]

Long distance relationships hardly ever work. It is not normal to be apart from your spouse. I left Ross for that reason (should have never went there to begin with). My wife was in Milwaukee doing a residency at the time. I came home, and applied to schools in the US and by the grace of God was fortunate to get offered an OOS seat at Minnesota. Right now my wife finding employment in the twin cities is our biggest obstacle. She is a residency trained emergency and critical care veterinarian. We have decided to let God shoulder this burden. We are optimistic that she will get a job, and we will be happy making Minnesota our home.

 

[Emiloo4]

Long distance relationships hardly ever work.

Not true. It doesn't work for everyone, but it definitely can work!

 

[breenie]

There are many LD relationships in my class (I'm in one of them), and some LD marriages.

All with varying degrees of success. *shrug* It works. I'm not always happy about it, but honestly I think this could be sustainable for a few years (famous last words?)

ANYWAY. Original point. I think that was a big priority for many of the married/SO'ed up folks in my class. No shame in that. It's nice to have someone not living off of loans in your life.

 

[NYGXLVIChamps]

I think having your spouse/significant other with you is important. That support system is very valuable when immersed in a rigorous vet med curriculum.

 

[Minnerbelle]

Also how did you or they go about finding which cities would be better for their career?

I think that depends a lot on what career field your SO is in. Does he have a particular skillset he wants to utilize for a particular type of work?

 

[primatevetjess]

A LD marriage is definitely rough, but it can absolutely work if you have a strong foundation to start with. I'm halfway through my third year of veterinary school, and my husband and I have lived apart the entire time. I'm up in Davis, and he's 6 hours south in Los Angeles. Of course I'd rather have him here with me, but our marriage is definitely strong enough to survive this. His career is in LA (entertainment - can't do it anywhere else), and at the time I applied for vet school, Western didn't offer what I needed. So we went into it knowing that we would be living apart. I'm just glad it's a 6 hour drive instead of a 6 hour flight (I got into Ohio before I heard from Davis)!!

 

[elefante7]

When I applied to vet school, my husband applied to grad schools in his field at the same time. Then, we only considered attending places where we both got in. Being in the same place was very important to us. With things like internships and residencies for me looming in the not so distant future, he is amazing and willing to follow me around. However, I do my best to try and figure out what places to apply to partly based on what would be best for him as well.

 

[katryn]

Location played a big part for us as well. My first choice was definitely the school where we already live and my spouse already had a good job. But when I was looking at potentially applying elsewhere, we also considered what the market was like for him in other vet school towns, what cost of living was (ie. how much would he need to make to keep excess student loans down), and for his sake how big the city was (small town=no....). I've done the LD thing before and did not enjoy the experience. Although I think my spouse and I together definitely have the temperaments and relationship to make it work, it was off the table for me from the beginning just on principle.

 

[BirdNerd227]

First - long distance relationships CAN absolutely work if you are willing to put the time into making it work. A big part of that, I agree, is a solid foundation. The other is being willing to give your significant other your free time and being a good listener. My fiancee and I started on the west coast, I moved east, he stayed there. We spent the first 6 months of vet school apart, so that he could stay with his job and give them the time that he had promised, while I adjusted to the rigor of vet school. We used e-mail, phone, skype and snail mail to stay in touch as much as possible, and were sure to give each other time every night or every other night to listen to each other. There were days when it was really hard, but with a strong beginning, it can absolutely work. He now lives here with me and works full time.

In terms of prioritizing where to go - if you are committed to your partner, it's totally reasonable to choose a vet school location while factoring in whether or not your partner will be able to find work. Our priorities when deciding where to go were the program, the cost, the location itself, and the location in terms of where he could find work. We were accepted to a west coast, an east coast, a mid-country and an international school. When it came down to it, as much as we wanted to go abroad, we decided that given his field of expertise (conservation), it would be a bit more challenging to get work/visas there. He researched online what was available in each community/state and found that the location that provided the most options for him was the east coast. Luckily, I loved the program there so it made the decision that much easier. He moved to the east coast with me when the timing was right in terms of leaving his current job and acquiring a new one.

So, basically I would recommend that you both research available work opportunities in the areas that you are interested in (google, monster.com etc). Be sure he is willing to relocate/find new work. And if now's not the right timing for him to be moving, you could consider waiting until you are settled in while he searches from where she/he currently is. That way he/she still has a job/income and moves when they are ready and able financially.

Just know that it's all doable - choosing a location together, long distance or whatever permutation you come up with. It's completely what you make of it, how patient you are about whatever time is spent apart, and the strength of the relationship itself. It's 100% doable if you put in the effort. Feel free to PM me if you want to hear a little more and bounce ideas.

 

[flyinggoat]

A LD marriage is definitely rough, but it can absolutely work if you have a strong foundation to start with. I'm halfway through my third year of veterinary school, and my husband and I have lived apart the entire time.

Thank you for this. Because this:

"Long distance relationships hardly ever work."

is pretty blanket pessimism.

Honestly, the scariest part of vet school for me is having to leave my husband and goats behind. I'll probably bring one of our dogs or cats, but my husband and I have been together for about ten years, and living together for about eight, even though we've only been married for almost 3. We're partners in every sense of the word, with the farm and animals and running the business, it's just so difficult to think of leaving everything. I know the four years will be over before I know it, and I can be a doctor in four years, or just four years older. But it's definitely the part that gives me the most pause.

I guess I'd better become more fluent in skype and ichat....

 

[NittanyKitty]

I also had to make a choice between several schools but at that point my SO and I had already done a solid year of long-distance and knew we would be doing at least two more no matter where I went to vet school (his city doesn't have a school). The closest I could have been was a six hour drive, but I actually decided on NC State for a variety of reasons. He was fortunately accepted to Duke for business school this December so we only have four months left before he moves - three successful years of long distance done!

There is nothing wrong with long distance IF the right kind of people - independent, honest, trusting, forgiving, etc. - and the right kind of relationship is involved. I actually find it easier to study and get work done during the week because I don't have a person-sized distraction here with me. Good luck to you in making the choice!

 

[twelvetigers]

There sure are a lot of exceptions in this thread...

Of course it's not ideal, but just because it's too difficult for one person doesn't mean it can't work for someone else. Everyone is just gonna need to assess their own situation and see how they feel about it. If you know it won't work (and you want it to work) then just don't apply anywhere that would split you up so that it's not even an issue.

 

[orcagirl]

I think that depends a lot on what career field your SO is in. Does he have a particular skillset he wants to utilize for a particular type of work?

He's graduating in May with a Masters in Teaching and Teacher Education. He'll be qualified (as a highly qualified teacher) to teach English/language arts at both middle schools and high schools. He doesn't currently have a job, but he is going through a teacher certification program that is pretty good. He's amazing at what he does. As a student teacher he's been offered a job by the Associate Superintendent. However, I'm stuck in a state without a vet school.

 

[NYGXLVIChamps]

In the end choosing to live apart a personal choice. Can it work? Sure it can. Is it ideal? Obviously not [unless you can't stand your partner ]. Personally, I have no idea how our situation is going to work out, but if the choice is vet school or my wife. Without hesitation I would choose my wife. Through adversity I've learned that relationships are most important in life. For me, my relationship with my wife, my family, and God come first and foremost. Some of you may think it is pessimistic to say long distance relationships hardly ever work, but I believe the statement is true. That doesn't mean it can't be done, and maybe the success rate for individuals separating to attend veterinary school is higher than normal, but based on personal experience I'd be cautious. My wife graduated from Illinois CVM in 2004, and she said it was sad to see so many relationships fail as a result of the distance. I feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to go to a school in a metropolitan location. My wife will have a good opportunity to find a job. A location like Manhattan Kansas wouldn't even be an option for us, as there is zero job opportunity for her there.

 

[StartingoverVet]

My guess is if the relationship does not survive b/c it is long-distance, it was destined to fail anyway.

Lots of things stress test a marriage.
distance is one of them
vet school is another
money is a biggie.

Some marriages take longer than others to encounter the stresses.
I personally would rather find out sooner than later whether the marriage will survive.
Survive that, and woohoo, you should be good to go for life's vicissitudes!

 

[JoAnna423]

There is nothing wrong with long distance IF the right kind of people - independent, honest, trusting, forgiving, etc. - and the right kind of relationship is involved. I actually find it easier to study and get work done during the week because I don't have a person-sized distraction here with me. Good luck to you in making the choice![/QUOTE]


I totally agree with this and glad I am not the only person thinking this! I am sure some people can study fine with their partner there but for whatever reason I cannot...I get SO MUCH more studying done when I am alone.

 

[primatevetjess]

...but if the choice is vet school or my wife. Without hesitation I would choose my wife. Through adversity I've learned that relationships are most important in life. For me, my relationship with my wife, my family, and God come first and foremost.

Of course if someone put a gun to my head and said "Choose! Your husband or vet school!" I would without question choose my husband and drop out today. But I don't believe that having a long distance marriage means that I chose vet school over him, that's absurd. I didn't have to choose either, I get both!!

I know it doesn't work for everyone, but I'm here to let others know that it CAN work. My husband and I have a strong marriage based on love, trust, communication, and respect. I still cry every single time I have to take him back to the airport, but I know that in a little over a year we'll live together again and I'll be a doctor. That makes it all worth it.

 

[primatevetjess]

Thank you for this. Because this:

"Long distance relationships hardly ever work."

is pretty blanket pessimism.

Honestly, the scariest part of vet school for me is having to leave my husband and goats behind. I'll probably bring one of our dogs or cats, but my husband and I have been together for about ten years, and living together for about eight, even though we've only been married for almost 3. We're partners in every sense of the word, with the farm and animals and running the business, it's just so difficult to think of leaving everything. I know the four years will be over before I know it, and I can be a doctor in four years, or just four years older. But it's definitely the part that gives me the most pause.

I guess I'd better become more fluent in skype and ichat....

It was the scariest part for me, as well. Leaving my husband behind was brutally painful, but it's a sacrifice we discussed together and agreed to undertake. Skype *definitely* helps, it's so nice to at least be able to see his face. We also never go more than 4 weeks without seeing each other, no matter how insane my vet school schedule is.

It will be hard, for sure. But the right marriage can 100% survive it. If you want someone to talk to about it or if you want tips, feel free to PM me. It's been almost 3 years for us, so I'm pretty experienced at dealing with it!

 

[Bisbee]

My husband went to grad school when our kids were little. It was about two hours away, so he had an apartment near the University and came home on weekends (and an occasional week night depending on what the week had in store, like kids' concerts or T-ball game or whatever). I know that he was able to be a better student and get done with his PhD much faster without us (wife and kids) around. Even on the weekend if he sat down to read for a couple of hours there was a lot of interruption for him. Kids forget and wife needs a hand; you know. Also, from my perspective as the spouse of the student, I got into my routine at home during the week. Sometimes if my husband came home to "surprise" us, I was even a little annoyed inside because now I'd have to make a real dinner (instead of oatmeal) and visit with him instead of getting back into that book I was looking forward to reading once I got the kids to bed. We really did have our separate lives during the week and together lives on the weekends. And here we are, many years later, living happily ever after. We never had any trust or loneliness issues. We always knew we'd be "together" even if not in the same place.

 

[Tonkamoo]

I made my final decision based on where it was easiest for my husband to get a job. I initially only applied to schools I would be willing to attend, then once I got into a few, we looked at what his job prospects/salary etc would be like in each location.

I personally have found it great to have him here for support. Even though vet school doesn't give you a lot of free time, its nice to have him around each evening . I ended up at RVC - because it was the most urban of all the schools I got into. London has a ton of job opportunities (in the tech field at least) so he could keep his career advancing while I could go to school, unlike my US options. (My instate was WSU, which is pretty far from a big city). And since I'm busy paying tuition instead of making money for 4 years, its nice to be somewhere where he can make a good income.

We were lucky enough that he was able to find a job before the April 15th decision due date, which relieved some stress in the decision process..
I think I got lucky in being able to find a good school in a location that also allowed him to advance his career ( and the fact that he was able to move).

While I'm happy with my decision, I know that if I wasn't married, I would definitely be at one of the US schools right now.

 

[Cypress]

My husband and I have done distance a number of times in our relationship and are planning to do it again now that I am starting vet school in August. He was actually accepted to a PhD program at Purdue as well but since we have a home and our family is in Indy (about an hour away) he is going to commute to school and be based out of our home in Indy and I'm going to get a small place in Lafayette. We want to be able to come home for the holidays and summers and want to keep our home.

My personal opinion is the distance is what you make of it - if you recognize that your relationship is a priority then you will find ways to make it work - for us - we've discussed this and knew this was a potential sacrifice we would have to make in the future and are prepared for it (as best we can be).

If I had been offered admission OOS and IS I would have definitely chosen IS to be close to my husband and family - so I don't think there is anything wrong with making that a priority in your choice. I feel lucky to have not to have to make the decision (only IS admissions offered).

Communication is key in any relationship but even more so when you are apart - just be open and honest about things while you're apart and make sure you make each other a priority - the little things end up being very important - short phone calls, emails, letters or postcards - you just have to be creative.

Even though I know the choice my husband and I have made about being apart is the right one for us - I still have moments when I think about the kind of changes that are involved and how hard they will be - no coffee together in the morning, sleeping alone, cooking dinner, watching TV together in the evenings - so I don't know if any choice you make will feel 100% a good choice - you just have to do what feels the least crappy

Good luck with your choice and with the distance - I'll be in a similar boat this coming fall so you can always PM me if you need someone to commiserate with.

 

[sooprnova]

My guess is if the relationship does not survive b/c it is long-distance, it was destined to fail anyway.

Lots of things stress test a marriage.
distance is one of them
vet school is another
money is a biggie.

Some marriages take longer than others to encounter the stresses.
I personally would rather find out sooner than later whether the marriage will survive.
Survive that, and woohoo, you should be good to go for life's vicissitudes!

This. 100% this.

I only applied to Penn, because my husband has a tenure-track position here (about an hour north of Philly) that he doesn't want to leave. I'm getting a place in the city; he's staying with a friend up here a few nights a week. We've been together 12 years and married almost 9, so I'm pretty sure we'll be okay. We've already dealt with money issues, moving for his schooling/job, and we're totally over the "Man, my in-laws are WEIRD" stage, so we have very few stressors. Being apart a few nights a week will add one, but we've survived much worse! I'm sure if we had kids it would be much more difficult, but thankfully the only kids we have are furry and they poop in a box.

We're both making sacrifices - he's looking at an hour plus commute each way several times a week, and I'm resigned that I'm not going to do any amazingly cool internships over the summers because we'll need that time together. I think that's key - both people in the relationship have to make some sacrifices, otherwise resentment builds and that's one ugly beast.

Edit: I feel bizarre giving relationship advice when my avatar is a singing candle.

 

[Bisbee]

We've been married 28 years, and I STILL think my in-laws are weird!

 

[bandierose]

"Edit: I feel bizarre giving relationship advice when my avatar is a singing candle"

I gave advice on oncology specialists earlier and I felt like I totally shouldn't be doing that based on my avatar.

 

[Emiloo4]

There sure are a lot of exceptions in this thread...

My guess is if the relationship does not survive b/c it is long-distance, it was destined to fail anyway.

Lots of things stress test a marriage.
distance is one of them
vet school is another
money is a biggie.

Some marriages take longer than others to encounter the stresses.
I personally would rather find out sooner than later whether the marriage will survive.
Survive that, and woohoo, you should be good to go for life's vicissitudes!

I couldn't agree more!

 

[Robdude]

I think I might one of the only SO's on this site. A few years back, while my girlfriend (now wife) was waiting for her acceptance/rejection letter from CSU - I found the site and joined. It's great for getting information and, most of the time, it's just easier for me to ask in the first-person.

So, I'm not a vet student...but my wife is. I'm a software developer.

I don't think anyone can tell you what is right for you and your SO; it's something you two will have to work out. I feel like my wife and I handled it as well as we could....we considered all of the options and tried to select the one that optimized things for both of us. As best we could.

In her last application cycle - we sat down and looked at all of the vet schools together. I used Wikipedia, Careerbuilder, Zillow, etc... to get additional information on all of the schools and the towns they were in. We considered things like the tuition, the likelihood of her being accepted, the distance from home, the number of Software Developer jobs, the average salary of the town and the average home price (I'd have preferred to buy a house if possible).

Then we ranked them in order from most desirable to least desirable... once we had the information compiled, it was really easy to see which schools would be the best for us and which ones would almost certainly not work and turn into a LD relationship (which we were trying to avoid).

It's also worth nothing that, even globally, the economy is awfully rough right now. Even if your SO has a good job now and a good resume, realize that it's still very possible they won't be able to get a job. That's 10x more important when going outside of the US - but it's something to keep in mind.

For us, I'd say that my ability to get a job/my career was the #1 consideration *behind* my wife's ability to go to vet school, if that makes sense. We felt that all of the AVMA accredited schools would lead to her becoming a vet....but only some of the schools would be in areas that would allow me to work.

In our case, it ended up being a no-brainer. After all of the rejection letters we were left considering Saint George, Dublin, and Mississippi.

SGU wasn't accredited at the time...and the IT industry there is pretty much non-existent.
Mississippi State is in Starkville. The IT industry there is pretty much non-existent.
Dublin is a large city with a strong IT sector.

Tuitions were similar.

We went to Dublin. My wife and I both felt it was the #1 pick (of the three). I fee like, given who we are/what we want to do, and our available options at the time....we made the best decision we could. I guess that's really all you can hope for.

 

[circuitbreaker]

Robdude you are not the only SO. I am an SO and have been stalking the forums as my current boyfriend is waiting for news. Also used this forum to help prep him for interviews, essays, etc. I just wanted to let you know that you weren't alone. Sounds like you were fortunate to be someplace close. Unfortunately, we won't be close. I am electrical engineering headed to graduate school (Stanford) and he didn't get in to UC Davis (out of state for him), where he wanted to go but is looking at (hopefully) OSU (currently wait-listed), WSU (waiting for news), or Western (waiting for news). I have had so many people who have told me I have to choose him or school and that we will never survive LD. But how could I possibly give up a Ph.D. at Stanford? How could he give up his lifelong dream to become a vet? Well we are too suborn to give up our dreams, so we are choosing to do both. Skype will be our lifeline, as well as long e-mails/letters! We have spent every summer apart since we started college, so I know it will be hard but I also know that trust, honestly, and understanding will bring us through this and we will be better for it. Plus I'm saving up money to visit during my breaks! To everyone else attempting the long distance, good luck! We will all need it!

 

[nyanko]

I think having your spouse/significant other with you is important. That support system is very valuable when immersed in a rigorous vet med curriculum.

Others have alluded to this point as well, but I just wanted to throw another vote in to say that sometimes it's more of a distraction than a valuable support system. Last year (first year of vet school) I was in a LDR, across the entire country style. He usually made it out here every 6 weeks or so. Last summer he moved here. There are pros and cons to both ways, but as far as school goes I found it much easier to concentrate on it last year. And this is with a guy who is really low-maintenance - it's just another thing added on to my plate that I can use to distract me from school, as if there weren't enough.

 

[Emiloo4]

Others have alluded to this point as well, but I just wanted to throw another vote in to say that sometimes it's more of a distraction than a valuable support system. Last year (first year of vet school) I was in a LDR, across the entire country style. He usually made it out here every 6 weeks or so. Last summer he moved here. There are pros and cons to both ways, but as far as school goes I found it much easier to concentrate on it last year. And this is with a guy who is really low-maintenance - it's just another thing added on to my plate that I can use to distract me from school, as if there weren't enough.

Yep, I even told my SO to not move with me until a year later so I could get situated and not be distracted.

 

[katryn]

Yep, I even told my SO to not move with me until a year later so I could get situated and not be distracted.

I never did the LDR thing, and have lived with my spouse the whole time, and even I will second this one. I think one of the hardest things I have ever asked him to do in all of this is to turn off all the noise in the house (aka use head phones), keep the dogs and cats away from me, and leave me alone in my study hole for hours on end. Thankfully, he's pretty understanding about the whole thing, and trades off "leave me alone" time for having me all to himself for the weekend when I manage to be productive all week.

I think the ultimate key to getting through vet school with an intact relationship (LDR or together) is a strong foundation, communication, and understanding. And many things that have been said here will apply no matter what your decision is.

 

[Ozymandias1]

Thank you for this. Because this:

"Long distance relationships hardly ever work."

is pretty blanket pessimism.

Honestly, the scariest part of vet school for me is having to leave my husband and goats behind. I'll probably bring one of our dogs or cats, but my husband and I have been together for about ten years, and living together for about eight, even though we've only been married for almost 3. We're partners in every sense of the word, with the farm and animals and running the business, it's just so difficult to think of leaving everything. I know the four years will be over before I know it, and I can be a doctor in four years, or just four years older. But it's definitely the part that gives me the most pause.

I guess I'd better become more fluent in skype and ichat....

I'm in my first year of vet school, and I also left my husband behind. It was not feasible for him to join me at vet school because of his career; there are simply few to no career opportunities near the school I attend. We've been married ten years, and together fifteen, and are 4 hours apart. I drive home between 1 and 3 times a month. We talk on skype everyday, and have done great with the transition. All in all, both of us feel as if vet school was the right decision. I did spend much of the last month making sure that everything was ready at home when I left. I knew I would have an easier time with the transition than he would. I do think it is important for your spouse to find something new to fill the free time he will have. My husband joined an outside workout group, and that keeps him busy. They even have group socials. He also spends a lot of time with my sister, her husband, and their kids. In all honesty, I think being apart is easier than being together right now. If he had moved with me, he would have left all of his friends and family behind. And I can imagine there would have been a lot of fighting due to vet school stress. Every marriage is different, but remember that you'll have summers and breaks to spend together, and skype is absolutely awesome!! Good luck to both of you!

 

[orcagirl]

We've been married 28 years, and I STILL think my in-laws are weird!

There's no hope?? My future in-laws are pretty weird.

I never did the LDR thing, and have lived with my spouse the whole time, and even I will second this one. I think one of the hardest things I have ever asked him to do in all of this is to turn off all the noise in the house (aka use head phones), keep the dogs and cats away from me, and leave me alone in my study hole for hours on end. Thankfully, he's pretty understanding about the whole thing, and trades off "leave me alone" time for having me all to himself for the weekend when I manage to be productive all week.

I think the ultimate key to getting through vet school with an intact relationship (LDR or together) is a strong foundation, communication, and understanding. And many things that have been said here will apply no matter what your decision is.

I've been a little lucky in this regard. We've been living together for the last three years and lately I've been telling him to put in head phones (I just took a pathology exam that I pretty stressed about). We've been together since sophomore year of high school so I'm not worried about him following along or having the relationship survive. I'm just glad to know that I'm not the only one who thinks of this as a factor when I choose a school.

 

[StartingoverVet]

FWIW, considering whether we will need to do LDR now as well. Sometimes even when you plan things one way, they don't always work out

 

[LovePolydactyls]

My boyfriend and I just got into Cornell- he is going for MBA, I'll be in the DVM program. We are so excited to be going to the same place, but his program is only 2 years, so eventually we'll have to do the LDR-- it'll just be on the opposite end of our time in school. So much to consider, but really in the end if it's meant to work, it will just work. Although there are things that you can do to make life easier on yourself that other people have already talked about. Good luck to everyone with these decisions and figuring out ways to make it through!!!

 

[that redhead]

This was an issue for me. I was only accepted at one school, so I didn't have the choice to be closer. To be honest, even if I had gotten in IS, I would've been a six hour drive from my boyfriend. He has a stable, well-paying job in a place he loves working and I honestly couldn't ask him to up and leave that just because I was scared of moving to another country all alone. I told him that there are two things I want: him and vet school and that I didn't want to give one up for the other. If I skipped out on vet school to stay around him, I imagine I'd grow to resent him down the road. If I left him for vet school, I'd always wonder what if I had stayed, or applied to be closer, or whatever. So I'm up in Canada while he's back home in DC. It's about an 18hr drive or 8hrs of flying total. It's expensive as **** to fly because its international, so we have our little meet-ups in Portland, ME - I drive, he flies.

Like Nyanko said, it can be more of a distraction than anything. There are many times where I think to myself, "I'm really glad One True Love isn't here, because I've been studying since I got home/I'm really stressed/I just want to sleep or zone out or read or whatever". So I know it was the best decision. But we went into it with a strong foundation (6yrs no distance) and I can honestly say it hasn't been as bad as everyone made it out to be. I found the best advice is to ignore the people that say it can't/rarely does work and focus on your own relationship.

 

[katryn]

There's no hope?? My future in-laws are pretty weird.

Nope, if they start out weird, they stay that way. But we love them anyway. Besides, weird in-laws are way more fun than normal ones.

 

[primatevetjess]

I found the best advice is to ignore the people that say it can't/rarely does work and focus on your own relationship.

This is great advice! People will say that to your face after they find out that you're in a LDR, which seems pointless to me. A couple of people have also asked how I can trust him, and I always say that if there were trust issues they'd be there no matter if we lived together or not.

 

[Bisbee]

Nope, if they start out weird, they stay that way. But we love them anyway. Besides, weird in-laws are way more fun than normal ones.

I guess all in-laws are "weird" compared to your own family. But mine really are weird (kind of introverted and only wanting to talk about gas prices and the weather). My own family is more outgoing (too much gossiping, though). I think my husband and I are are each like our own families (but not as extreme), but opposites attract, right? Life would be boring if we were all the same.

 

[Dog Lover 702]

I'm getting ready to graduate from undergrad, and I've been apart from my husband the whole four years. We've been together since high school. I'll be starting vet school in the fall, and we'll still be long distance, but I'm not too worried about it...right now we're several states apart and only get to spend summers and certain holidays together, and next year we'll be 4 hours apart (which seems like nothing now! Haha). It's hard, but it does get easier as you fall into a routine with it. It was hardest for us when we were only 18 and getting separated for the first time, but 4 years later, we have managed to "grow up" together and maintain our connection. One piece of advice I would give to people attempting an LDR for the first time: meet each other's friends. I found it much easier to explain the joke that so-and-so said, or the fact that I was going over to so-and-so's house to study, when he knew my closest friends; also, after meeting him, they would ask me all the time how he was doing, when he was coming back etc...it just made my life feel more integrated, because the feeling that you're living two separate lives gets old.

And in case you're wondering, the reason he absolutely cannot move to be with me is because he is in the military and has to go where they put him. I'm not sure how much of a factor this is, but i grew up as an Army brat. I watched my mom constantly dealing with short and long term separations, while taking care of four kids, so I knew exactly what I was getting into, and my parents are very supportive of me, my career, and my marriage. Anybody else dealing with a military/vet school marriage?

 

[that redhead]

One piece of advice I would give to people attempting an LDR for the first time: meet each other's friends. I found it much easier to explain the joke that so-and-so said, or the fact that I was going over to so-and-so's house to study, when he knew my closest friends; also, after meeting him, they would ask me all the time how he was doing, when he was coming back etc...it just made my life feel more integrated, because the feeling that you're living two separate lives gets old.

Agreed! Plus I think it makes them (the SO) feel like they aren't all left behind and forgotten while you're off at school.

 

[LovePolydactyls]

One piece of advice I would give to people attempting an LDR for the first time: meet each other's friends.

Anybody else dealing with a military/vet school marriage?

Dog Lover, this is such great advice! Sometimes it's difficult to share the precious time you get with each other with anyone else, but I think trying to integrate into each others' lives makes all the difference.

I'm not personally dealing with a military/vet school marriage, but I respect you guys enormously! My sis dated a guy in the Navy for a while, and I saw how much commitment it took from both parties... I can't even imagine being in vet school at the same time, but it's obvious that you know what it takes to make it work Good luck- I'm glad you guys will get to be closer soon!

 

[libster06]

My guess is if the relationship does not survive b/c it is long-distance, it was destined to fail anyway.

This is exactly how it was for me.

I don't think that vet school was the downfall of my 5 year relationship. We did long distance for 5 years, and once I got to vet school, things were exacerbated because I was so much more stressed out than I ever had been. We broke up a week before the end of first year, and I was shocked to eventually find out that surprisingly, HE was the main source of my stress in vet school. After getting out of that relationship, vet school seemed to go a lot smoother for me.

I always kind of knew we weren't right because we seemed to get along better when we were apart than together. And I think that when long-distance relationships don't work out, it's because people are meant to be together and not apart and some people can't handle the distance and that's completely fine. But some people can. In my case however, it wasn't the distance that was the problem at all, it was us.

 

[Dog Lover 702]

Dog Lover, this is such great advice! Sometimes it's difficult to share the precious time you get with each other with anyone else, but I think trying to integrate into each others' lives makes all the difference.

I'm not personally dealing with a military/vet school marriage, but I respect you guys enormously! My sis dated a guy in the Navy for a while, and I saw how much commitment it took from both parties... I can't even imagine being in vet school at the same time, but it's obvious that you know what it takes to make it work Good luck- I'm glad you guys will get to be closer soon!

Thanks for the feedback! Yes, it is hard "sharing" him, but it's worth it haha. And there are some perks to the military situation as well...I was able to get residency in both my current state and in the state where he is stationed...not too bad And yes, I can't wait to be closer!!

 

[iwantbatteries]

I am an Air Force Captain, and my wife is applying to vet schools this cycle. She is on hold at the only school that would allow us to live together, so we may end up frequenting southwest airlines but everything is doable. We have spent the last two years apart to some extent, and I have to say it is tough but workable.Sometimes you may need to throw money at a problem, and deal with the consequences later. If I need to hop on a plane, or send her somewhere, I will, and worry about the money later. Hope to get to talk to you (Dog Lover) about the unique situations of military/vet school challenges.

 

[Dog Lover 702]

I am an Air Force Captain, and my wife is applying to vet schools this cycle. She is on hold at the only school that would allow us to live together, so we may end up frequenting southwest airlines but everything is doable. We have spent the last two years apart to some extent, and I have to say it is tough but workable.Sometimes you may need to throw money at a problem, and deal with the consequences later. If I need to hop on a plane, or send her somewhere, I will, and worry about the money later. Hope to get to talk to you (Dog Lover) about the unique situations of military/vet school challenges.

Yep, my husband is in the air force too; he is a crew chief. And that's a good point about money...I wouldn't even want to tally up how much $$$ has been spent on plane tickets these past 4 years, and how tough it will be to have to drive four hours each way (about two tanks of gas!) to spend a weekend together for the next 4 years. But you're right, it's doable and you just have to look at the sacrifices realistically to see if you can deal with it...I'm glad to hear of another couple who are making it work

 

[NittanyKitty]

We have several students involved with military SOs/spouses in our class (one of whom just had twins this fall!) and they make it work. I think being in the military and/or being part of a military family makes for sturdier people as far as long distance goes. They are all doing great with their situations so it is definitely do-able. Just don't expect to get much studying done when they come home or visit on leave!

 

[LMMS]

As many have pointed out, it's not for everyone but can and does work for some. Case in point: my sister & bro-in-law met during my sister's second semester of her PhD (she was a TA for his postback program). They were able to stay together for a year and a half after which my bro-in-law entered a one year graduate program prior to starting med school about 4 hours away. His fourth year of school, my sister tried to get a post-doc near him, but got a post-doc at a much more prestigious institution three states away. During the next three years, she did a postdoc, he completed an internship, they got engaged, got married and lived apart for another year before they even lived together. They'll be married 5 years in April.

So, if you have a strong relationship and love one another deeply, you can both follow your dreams and stay together. Best of luck to you both!

 

[Packen]

I'm not sure how much of a factor this is, but i grew up as an Army brat. I watched my mom constantly dealing with short and long term separations, while taking care of four kids, so I knew exactly what I was getting into, and my parents are very supportive of me, my career, and my marriage. Anybody else dealing with a military/vet school marriage?

My dad was in the Army, so growing up he was deployed a few times and I think that has helped in my LD relationship now. It's reassuring to see your parents make a tough situation work, and I think that helps when it comes to your own relationship.

My husband is still in the US and I am in the UK for the next four years (well, 3 and half!) He has a good job and really enjoys what he does - this was a huge factor in deciding whether or not he moved to Scotland with me. I think holding on to some of the "little things" is important. We used to have a nice homemade sit-down dinner at least once a week with no distractions (TV, phones, etc). So we try to do that via skype now. I think it is important to try and hold on to some small traditions like that (even if they need to be adjusted a little).

I also agree with Nyanko. As much as I love and miss my husband, I think that if he were here, it would be a huge distraction from my studying. I have the luxury now of spending the whole night in the library. Or staying at school late and then coming home and studying more without the fear of neglecting my spouse. Of course I would be ecstatic if he were to move over here, but I think my studying would definitely decrease. Right now I don't have to try and balance that into my life.