Spouses and Significant Others?

[PendantWorld]

My SO and I have been LD for about a year now; we recently got engaged and so now in addition to vet school I am planning my wedding. Fortunately, he was able to get a job that was relatively close to the school (~1 hr) and we will be living together somewhere in between the two locations...

It's a challenge to keep any relationship going strong while in vet school, LD or not. Fortunately, he's been an incredible support for me, and I've gotten to see him almost every weekend since starting (though our wallets have taken a hit from all the gas!). LD is possible in vet school - so is wedding planning. You just have to be really really good at catching yourself when you start to get overwhelmed and do something to redirect it. I'm still learning how to be good at doing that, but getting better as I go!

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[cshep09]

I just wanted to thank everybody on here that is giving such great encouragement. I'm about to leave my boyfriend for one of two schools equally 9 hours apart from him. We've been together all throughout undergrad (4 years now) and known each other since we were 16. It's the only thing I'm really struggling with and it's been hard. I am so so excited to go through vet school and not really worried about the moving and making new friends thing, only him. When i remove him from the situation and think about it, "If he wasn't a factor.." i'm only excited but he IS a huge factor in my life. We see each other being together from now on and I feel like I'm taking a step away when most of our peers are graduating and taking steps together. It feels so wrong relationship wise

But anywho, I will always keep lurking here when I'm feeling down about it and THANK YOU all for being so brave and showing us young-in's that we can have the best of both worlds

 

[StartingoverVet]

FWIW: A cautionary tale...

I ultimately chose the vet school to attend based on the fact that Penn would be the best place for both my wife and I to attend school. The plan being, she would apply to Penn's PhD program after we got here.

Unfortunately, although my wife was a HIGHLY competitive candidate, she did NOT get into Penn in the end, and she will be going to school elsewhere. Exactly how far away has not been decided yet. Even though she got into 1 school much better than Penn, you can never take anything for granted.

My point is, if you are deadset against a LDR, and make decisions only on that, you may end up in the exact same place, and be unhappy with your choice (-- not saying I am unhappy with my choice, but it may have been different given the outcome--).

If your SO has a job in one spot, who is to say they don't lose that, or get an unparalleled opportunity elsewhere. It is worth considering.

You know: "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry".

 

[lux0r]

This is an interesting thread. My girl friend of 2.5 years and I broke up due to my decision to go to school.
My question would more or less be, can you date in school? I know this sounds crazy, but between school, research, sleeping, eating on occasion, and continuing my consulting work, can vet students have healthy relationships? Most people I have talked to seem to say they date other vet students or are married.

 

[Abnerrs]

I'm actually having a rough time with my husband situation. We have been together coming up on 10 years and married 4 (our anniversary was yesterday actually ). He has decided he is not coming with me. Not because he doesn't love me, but because a) he wants to guarantee he has a job to support me whilst I am in school and b) he loves his job. I understand this position, and actually I am touched that he is willing to work and move in with roommates in order to put more money in the bank for ME to use in an entirely different state. But I'm having hard time not feeling like he's choosing his job over me. It may be stupid but whoever said feelings are rational amirite?! Anywho, I haven't even received an offer but I am waitlisted at 3 schools so I can't even make solid plans yet (an entirely different rant altogether) but if I don't hear from any of them I'm seriously considering moving to obtain residency to possibly help my odds next year. Which of course means 5 years apart. Anyway, not really a way to fix my situation, just venting.

 

[libster06]

My question would more or less be, can you date in school? I know this sounds crazy, but between school, research, sleeping, eating on occasion, and continuing my consulting work, can vet students have healthy relationships? Most people I have talked to seem to say they date other vet students or are married.

To answer your actual question: yes, they can. However, I would say that the ability to *START* a relationship in vet school is more dfficult to do and maintain than it is if you already have someone prior to vet school. All but one of the people I know who have started a relationship with someone while in vet school have done so with another person from the vet school.

I will admit that I am somewhat dating someone right now, but we've been very good friends for years and just happened to cultivate a relationship over the last 6-8 months... it's been a slow process and I think that's why it's worked well. However he lives in Nevada (I live in Louisiana... but he is moving to Texas), so we're not making anything official, which is also nice because I'm still able to focus on school and also have him

Now that that's all said.... I personally have a rule against dating or even canoodling with vet school guys. Not only do I honestly know them all too well to be attracted to them, I find it weird and awkward when things don't work out between other people in school who do that. Also, for me, at the end of the day I don't want to talk to someone about vet school because that's the thing we have the most in common. It's just a personal rule I;ve had from the beginning and all of them know it and respect it. Which is awesome because I get to have guy friends who are kind of flirty and fun, but don't make me feel like they are trying too hard or trying to get somewhere.

 

[orcagirl]

FWIW: A cautionary tale...

I ultimately chose the vet school to attend based on the fact that Penn would be the best place for both my wife and I to attend school. The plan being, she would apply to Penn's PhD program after we got here.

Unfortunately, although my wife was a HIGHLY competitive candidate, she did NOT get into Penn in the end, and she will be going to school elsewhere. Exactly how far away has not been decided yet. Even though she got into 1 school much better than Penn, you can never take anything for granted.

My point is, if you are deadset against a LDR, and make decisions only on that, you may end up in the exact same place, and be unhappy with your choice (-- not saying I am unhappy with my choice, but it may have been different given the outcome--).

If your SO has a job in one spot, who is to say they don't lose that, or get an unparalleled opportunity elsewhere. It is worth considering.

You know: "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry".

Thanks SOV. I guess I'm a little lucky as he doesn't have a job yet and will be looking for one whether he stays in AZ or goes with me. He also graduates in May. I'm hoping that jobs are available, but we're looking into that before I make a decision. I'm sorry that your plans didn't work out so well. I really hate that (I'm a HUGE planner)

This is an interesting thread. My girl friend of 2.5 years and I broke up due to my decision to go to school.
My question would more or less be, can you date in school? I know this sounds crazy, but between school, research, sleeping, eating on occasion, and continuing my consulting work, can vet students have healthy relationships? Most people I have talked to seem to say they date other vet students or are married.

I've heard it can strain relationships and people who were dating have broken up, and even people who were married have gotten divorced. It's always made me nervous.

 

[libster06]

I've heard it can strain relationships and people who were dating have broken up, and even people who were married have gotten divorced. It's always made me nervous.

It can if you let it, or if you weren't all that compatible to begin with. If you're going into vet school with an already a rocky relationship, no, don't expect it to get any better. As in the case with me and my ex (we ended after 5 yrs of dating). If you're in a happy, functioning relationship, realize that it WILL get stressful. Perhaps more so than it's ever been. Also realize that it DOES get better (vet school) and your relationship won't always be that way. If you're truly set on being with the person you're dating, you can climb the Everest that is vet school and still be holding hands with them at the top. If it comes down to them not being able to handle you in vet school, so be it. How are they going to handle marriage? Or children?? In terms of those things, vet school, with it's 4 year time limit, seems like a drop in the bucket for obstacles a couple can run into.

I don't think it is (or should be) stressful to the point of getting a divorce over it, because in the end, it's 4 years and if you've already made the commitment of marrying someone, you should realize that this is a trying time but this too shall pass. I know everyone is different, and I'm sure people divorce over a lot less, but I guess I am just speaking from my own personal thoughts about how seriously I take marriage... and divorce.

 

[Abnerrs]

Now that that's all said.... I personally have a rule against dating or even canoodling with vet school guys.

Your use of the word canoodling made me happy!

 

[libster06]

Your use of the word canoodling made me happy!

lol I hate the term "hooking up".... not only is it ambiguous and means different things to different people, I felt it would make me sound kind of slutty... as if I even have anyone to canoodle, vet school or not

 

[breenie]

lol I hate the term "hooking up".... not only is it ambiguous and means different things to different people, I felt it would make me sound kind of slutty... as if I even have anyone to canoodle, vet school or not

Canoodling just... doesn''t sound sexual to me.

Actually it kind of turns me off. Canoodling sounds gross.

 

[wildcatj]

My veterinarian mentor said the following to me regarding relationships in vet school "You either break up or get engaged by second year." Not sure how accurate that is, but I can imagine there's some truth to it.

 

[libster06]

Canoodling just... doesn''t sound sexual to me.

Actually it kind of turns me off. Canoodling sounds gross.

Mission accomplished.

 

[orca2011]

My veterinarian mentor said the following to me regarding relationships in vet school "You either break up or get engaged by second year." Not sure how accurate that is, but I can imagine there's some truth to it.

Interesting but I guess I could kind of see that. Hmmm. I'm wondering what will happen with me. I'm in a new relationship (been together about 4 months but known each other for about 6) but only got into Glasgow. My ex lives 2.5 hours away from Glasgow by train, and we only broke up cause he lives in the UK and I live here. Not that I want my ex back or anything cause I really like the current bf, but there is sort of unfinished business there and he has recently started talking to me more and seems excited about me possibly coming back. Current bf just said he applied to a job in Glasgow on a whim, which was unexpected. Definitely don't want the two guys meeting, but I also really don't want to break up again just cause of distance. It sucked majorly last time. I think the current bf will be understanding of the workload but not sure since he's in his last semester and I graduated in May, so I'm not super busy. The ex would probably understand since he's in his 3rd year of Med school over there. Yayy potentially messy situation.


And sorry I don't really have any great advice for anyone. I've kinda been lurking on this thread to see if I could use anything to help me out, but since my only relationship before this one was with the guy from the UK, I don't have much to offer. =/ Hope things work out for everyone though.

 

[wildcatj]

I have to say I'm nervous about my relationship. My boyfriend's only 20, and really has no idea what he's doing with his life. We've been together 3 years and have a really stable relationship (despite the fact that I'm a crazy person). I don't know that he's going to want to come with me when I go off to vet school despite the fact that he doesn't have any plans. He is not a planner and he doesn't like to make decisions, so I suspect he's probably not going to come. We're doing long distance at the moment and that's going really well, but I don't know how I would feel about him not wanting to come with me just because he didn't feel like it. If he had a really good job, or was planning on getting a master's or something, I would have no problem doing long distance. But I don't think I could do it if he just didn't really want to come. But he's young, so I'm hoping he'll come to some conclusion one way or another before I actually leave. I'm trying to let it just flow at the moment and see where it leads. It's still early to start making a decision one way or another.

 

[libster06]

I have to say I'm nervous about my relationship. My boyfriend's only 20, and really has no idea what he's doing with his life. We've been together 3 years and have a really stable relationship (despite the fact that I'm a crazy person). I don't know that he's going to want to come with me when I go off to vet school despite the fact that he doesn't have any plans. He is not a planner and he doesn't like to make decisions, so I suspect he's probably not going to come. We're doing long distance at the moment and that's going really well, but I don't know how I would feel about him not wanting to come with me just because he didn't feel like it. If he had a really good job, or was planning on getting a master's or something, I would have no problem doing long distance. But I don't think I could do it if he just didn't really want to come. But he's young, so I'm hoping he'll come to some conclusion one way or another before I actually leave. I'm trying to let it just flow at the moment and see where it leads. It's still early to start making a decision one way or another.

This sounds eerily similar to my situation with my ex. He also was not a planner and hated planning anything (also a huge source of conflict in our relationship, as I like to plan everything) and he also would not move to Baton Rouge after I got in. He had a decent job, but I wouldn't say it was extremely great or something he couldn't find elsewhere, he was just unwilling to move or try to find a new one. He would even go so far as to try to turn it around on me and literally tell me "Well you won't move back here where I am either." He wasn't even happy for me that LSU offered me a spot and I accepted (since I had to decline A&M) because it was 4 hours away. The only school he wanted me to go to, because it was the closest, was A&M. Selfish :/

While we were both 23 when I went off to vet school, we had been dating since 18, long distance the whole time while I was 10 hours away for undergrad and he also didn't go to school and mainly just worked. I always told people I didn't mind bc he had a job and blah blah blah, but deep down it really did irk me because of how selfish he'd been about the whole thing from day 1. I guess the difference between me and you is that you say your relationship is a good one.

Side note: you also mentioned your bf is 20. I could be completely off, but I know that in my relationship with Selfish McGee I mentioned earlier, after he turned 21, which was about 3 months before me, he started going out constantly and never made time for me, which led to our first break up. This was when I was a junior in undergrad and we got back together 5 months later for another 2 years, but just something to think about as well. Turning 21 seems to have a pretty significant effect on a lot of relationships, unfortunately.

 

[wildcatj]

This sounds eerily similar to my situation with my ex. He also was not a planner and hated planning anything (also a huge source of conflict in our relationship, as I like to plan everything) and he also would not move to Baton Rouge after I got in. He had a decent job, but I wouldn't say it was extremely great or something he couldn't find elsewhere, he was just unwilling to move or try to find a new one. He would even go so far as to try to turn it around on me and literally tell me "Well you won't move back here where I am either." He wasn't even happy for me that LSU offered me a spot and I accepted (since I had to decline A&M) because it was 4 hours away. The only school he wanted me to go to, because it was the closest, was A&M. Selfish :/

While we were both 23 when I went off to vet school, we had been dating since 18, long distance the whole time while I was 10 hours away for undergrad and he also didn't go to school and mainly just worked. I always told people I didn't mind bc he had a job and blah blah blah, but deep down it really did irk me because of how selfish he'd been about the whole thing from day 1. I guess the difference between me and you is that you say your relationship is a good one.

Side note: you also mentioned your bf is 20. I could be completely off, but I know that in my relationship with Selfish McGee I mentioned earlier, after he turned 21, which was about 3 months before me, he started going out constantly and never made time for me, which led to our first break up. This was when I was a junior in undergrad and we got back together 5 months later for another 2 years, but just something to think about as well. Turning 21 seems to have a pretty significant effect on a lot of relationships, unfortunately.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't think it's really going to matter where I end up he's either going to commit to coming or he's not. It's not that he's selfish, I don't know what it is, but he wouldn't be the type to try to blame us not being together on me like your man did. And he wouldn't ask me to make a decision based on him. I think he's more of a let it flow kind of guy, and if it makes sense to him, he'll come.
I think the time apart from each other has been good for us, because I think it's making him realize that he doesn't like being apart from me. I'm doing WAY better with the long distance than I thought I would. It's also made me realize I'll be ok without him if we do have to do long distance (or even break up).

We have a really good relationship as far as I'm concerned, we have only actually fought twice in 3 years, other than that we've just gotten irritated with each other. He has this terrible habit of being completely honest all the time though. So when I asked him if he thought he was going to come to vet school with me a year ago he said he didn't know, but probably not. I don't know if that's changed at this point but that's a major concern. If he's already saying probably not, what's the point? But I figured there was still a lot of time before I went off, and maybe things would develop in such a way that he'd either make up his mind or something else would get in the way. I try not to ask him about the vet school thing because he is so honest and frankly I love what we have now, and I don't want to ruin it even if it means we're going to break up when I leave. But eventually he's actually going to have to consider it. I bring it up a lot and remind him he has to think about it, but I don't pressure him to make a decision now. He still has a year plus.

This is making my relationship sound terrible haha. He really is absolutely amazing, I love everything about him truely, even the things that drive me insane. I'd be totally ok if we ended up together permanently, I just don't know if it will happen.

Also thankfully don't have to worry about the 21 thing so much, I'm already 21 so he can't leave me behind.

Anywho, this has turned into a novel... There are all my man worries wrapped up.

 

[breenie]

Mission accomplished.

Ugh, the pickings are slim here, but I was not interested anyway. Yuck yuck yuck.

My veterinarian mentor said the following to me regarding relationships in vet school "You either break up or get engaged by second year." Not sure how accurate that is, but I can imagine there's some truth to it.

Yep. That's about right.

 

[orca2011]

....
This is making my relationship sound terrible haha. He really is absolutely amazing, I love everything about him truely, even the things that drive me insane. I'd be totally ok if we ended up together permanently, I just don't know if it will happen.

....

Haha. I wouldn't worry about this bit. We seem to all do that on here at one point or another. I'm sure I would have with my ex, but since my current relationship is LD and relatively new, we haven't really had any issues yet. Except maybe that he won't come visit me...although I wouldn't really want to either, since I live with my parents and my town is rather boring. PSU is way more fun, even on a boring day. If I was still in school in Baltimore, he'd definitely be down. Took him down last month and he loved it. Would have liked to show him more, but the weather was lousy. =(

 

[libster06]

I think the time apart from each other has been good for us, because I think it's making him realize that he doesn't like being apart from me. I'm doing WAY better with the long distance than I thought I would. It's also made me realize I'll be ok without him if we do have to do long distance (or even break up).

That's a great point. I t very well may change his mind given a bit of time and distance.

Also thankfully don't have to worry about the 21 thing so much, I'm already 21 so he can't leave me behind.

I wasn't really talking about him "leaving you behind", because I turned 21 shortly after my ex did. I was saying that after he turned 21, all he did was go out. I was in school, and I went out occasionally, but I had priorities and I couldn't burn the candle at both ends and still maintain my grades and my goal of getting into vet school. Since he didn't go to school, he seemed to suddenly perceive any and all of his free time as an opportunity to party and screw off. We didn't live near each other, so the phone was all we had, and it got to the point that he was going out and partying so much that he would only call me in the 15 minutes he had while he was driving on his way to the bar or a friends house. He would basically just go to work, then go home and go out or go to his friends house where they all drank together. Not only is that a really unbecoming lifestyle to me, given my strong ambition and goals, but he started treating me like an afterthought, of strikingly low importance.

Please don't think I am saying this will happen to yall. It sounds like you both are very happy together, I just was giving a personal anecdote, more or less, that the whole 21 thing didn't go over well for me.

 

[libster06]

Ugh, the pickings are slim here, but I was not interested anyway. Yuck yuck yuck.

Same for me, brah... I went on a hand full of dates here last semester and then quit trying altogether... just not impressed. But it's cool because I found someone pretty great.

 

[wildcatj]

I wasn't really talking about him "leaving you behind", because I turned 21 shortly after my ex did. I was saying that after he turned 21, all he did was go out. I was in school, and I went out occasionally, but I had priorities and I couldn't burn the candle at both ends and still maintain my grades and my goal of getting into vet school. Since he didn't go to school, he seemed to suddenly perceive any and all of his free time as an opportunity to party and screw off. We didn't live near each other, so the phone was all we had, and it got to the point that he was going out and partying so much that he would only call me in the 15 minutes he had while he was driving on his way to the bar or a friends house. He would basically just go to work, then go home and go out or go to his friends house where they all drank together. Not only is that a really unbecoming lifestyle to me, given my strong ambition and goals, but he started treating me like an afterthought, of strikingly low importance.

Please don't think I am saying this will happen to yall. It sounds like you both are very happy together, I just was giving a personal anecdote, more or less, that the whole 21 thing didn't go over well for me.

Ah this makes a bit more sense. To be fair he does regularly skype me after going out at this point, but drunk skype can be fun! And he's in Ireland. He's good about the going out with friends but still making time for me. He kind of bailed on his friends when we first started dating, but there seems to be a good balance now. And I very much appreciate your anecdote! I need to talk this ish out!