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My goddamn hilljack ass neighbors have these Christmas lights strung up on their trailer that give off more light than the sun. I can't go to effing sleep. I feel like Al Bundy...tortured by that damned street light. These damned things penetrate the thickest curtains I have. If a magnifying glass tilted at just the right angle were to somehow make its way between my trailer and theirs, I may just die in a fiery blaze. Like an 8 year old frying ants on a sidewalk.
On the other hand, it's so tacky that it gives me a good chuckle every time I look at it.
....
But seriously, **** the holidays. They piss me off. Like Thanksgiving. As if the Europeans and native peoples' lived in harmony. My stupid ass racist ancestors genocided them. I wonder if the German version of the Thanksgiving fairytale tells the story of the Nazis on one side of a table and Jews on the other side of the table. Friendly chit-chat and kosher beef brisket being shared by two different, but loving people. They played a game of hide the sauerkraut or whatever the **** it is the people in Germany do and lived happily ever after. We are just really, really stupid people. No two ways about it.
But lets be honest...the fact that Americans are fat and like to eat is the real reason this holiday is popular. I'd like to show some people in North Korea or Ethiopia pictures of a Thanksgiving feast. Actually, no, I don't...that would be incredibly mean spirited. But here we are being our gleefully not introspective selves. We...actually...give "thanks" via excess. It really is the perfect holiday for the narcissism that is American values. We gorge ourselves because we enthusiastically celebrate the fact that we can.
So for the second straight year, I am refusing to eat anything on Thanksgiving. And I shall feast on a Sheetz gas station meal Friday at 12:01AM again, just like last year. I'm not claiming to be enlightened or anything...it just makes me feel like less of an ass.
.....
And then we have the ultimate nemesis. Christmas. Will you *******s ever get tired of this stupid holiday? Every damn year...the same stupid songs...the same worship of consumerism...the same 5 movies...that God damn Wonderful Christmas Time song by one of those damned hippie Beatles that gnaws at my skull worse than nails on a chalkboard. "Simply Having A Wonderful Chri...Blah!" If whichever Beatle it is who made that is dead, he died because he wrote that song. At least I hope so. It's bad enough to hate Xmas...and The Beatles...independently. But together, they create a ****storm of pissivity and generalized crotchetiness within myself that only the Pitt Panthers can match. If given the choice of rewriting history so that September 11th didn't happen or the production of that song didn't happen, I would very easily choose to snuff out the existence of that song. In fact, the terrorists probably did that **** BECAUSE of that damned evil ass song.
And I'd be okay with it if there was a way to isolate myself from it somewhere (actually there is...I go to Atlantic City on Christmas. Just me and like 15,000 Asians...I **** you not...it's amazing.) I have no problem with the stupidity of Muslims not eating when the sun is up for a month...because it doesn't affect me. But imagine if restaurants and grocery stores weren't open during Ramadan. Would that not piss you off? Well, welcome to my world. This one single ****ing day consumes everything about everything for a solid month. I don't care if your god spawned some other little minigod he decided to kill off for reasons that still make absolutely no sense whatsoever like 2000 years later. It's not worth a "holiday season." Not that its about that or anything...its really about buying **** for each other. Normally, I'd have my annual issue with that, but, **** it, the economy needs you *******s to spend your money. So go out and waste money on GPS systems and 3DHDTVs. Yay, America. Maybe you will get us out of the recession by buying your kids crap they don't need. It's not like the Republicans or Democrats will save us with their stupidity.
...
In conclusion. Bah, Humbug! I hope you have an awful Christmas time. And I hope your stupid Christmas trees die before Christmas Eve and leave little dried up needles in your carpeting. And your eggnog goes sour. And you hate all your presents and have to stand in line for hours trying to return them. Yeah. I hate all of you that much.
Portrait of a ****ing HERO....that sadly went soft eventually...but like your stupid presents...its the thought that counts...and that thought is...KILL CHRISTMAS... BAH, HUMBUG!
On the other hand, it's so tacky that it gives me a good chuckle every time I look at it.
....
But seriously, **** the holidays. They piss me off. Like Thanksgiving. As if the Europeans and native peoples' lived in harmony. My stupid ass racist ancestors genocided them. I wonder if the German version of the Thanksgiving fairytale tells the story of the Nazis on one side of a table and Jews on the other side of the table. Friendly chit-chat and kosher beef brisket being shared by two different, but loving people. They played a game of hide the sauerkraut or whatever the **** it is the people in Germany do and lived happily ever after. We are just really, really stupid people. No two ways about it.
But lets be honest...the fact that Americans are fat and like to eat is the real reason this holiday is popular. I'd like to show some people in North Korea or Ethiopia pictures of a Thanksgiving feast. Actually, no, I don't...that would be incredibly mean spirited. But here we are being our gleefully not introspective selves. We...actually...give "thanks" via excess. It really is the perfect holiday for the narcissism that is American values. We gorge ourselves because we enthusiastically celebrate the fact that we can.
So for the second straight year, I am refusing to eat anything on Thanksgiving. And I shall feast on a Sheetz gas station meal Friday at 12:01AM again, just like last year. I'm not claiming to be enlightened or anything...it just makes me feel like less of an ass.
.....
And then we have the ultimate nemesis. Christmas. Will you *******s ever get tired of this stupid holiday? Every damn year...the same stupid songs...the same worship of consumerism...the same 5 movies...that God damn Wonderful Christmas Time song by one of those damned hippie Beatles that gnaws at my skull worse than nails on a chalkboard. "Simply Having A Wonderful Chri...Blah!" If whichever Beatle it is who made that is dead, he died because he wrote that song. At least I hope so. It's bad enough to hate Xmas...and The Beatles...independently. But together, they create a ****storm of pissivity and generalized crotchetiness within myself that only the Pitt Panthers can match. If given the choice of rewriting history so that September 11th didn't happen or the production of that song didn't happen, I would very easily choose to snuff out the existence of that song. In fact, the terrorists probably did that **** BECAUSE of that damned evil ass song.
And I'd be okay with it if there was a way to isolate myself from it somewhere (actually there is...I go to Atlantic City on Christmas. Just me and like 15,000 Asians...I **** you not...it's amazing.) I have no problem with the stupidity of Muslims not eating when the sun is up for a month...because it doesn't affect me. But imagine if restaurants and grocery stores weren't open during Ramadan. Would that not piss you off? Well, welcome to my world. This one single ****ing day consumes everything about everything for a solid month. I don't care if your god spawned some other little minigod he decided to kill off for reasons that still make absolutely no sense whatsoever like 2000 years later. It's not worth a "holiday season." Not that its about that or anything...its really about buying **** for each other. Normally, I'd have my annual issue with that, but, **** it, the economy needs you *******s to spend your money. So go out and waste money on GPS systems and 3DHDTVs. Yay, America. Maybe you will get us out of the recession by buying your kids crap they don't need. It's not like the Republicans or Democrats will save us with their stupidity.
...
In conclusion. Bah, Humbug! I hope you have an awful Christmas time. And I hope your stupid Christmas trees die before Christmas Eve and leave little dried up needles in your carpeting. And your eggnog goes sour. And you hate all your presents and have to stand in line for hours trying to return them. Yeah. I hate all of you that much.
Portrait of a ****ing HERO....that sadly went soft eventually...but like your stupid presents...its the thought that counts...and that thought is...KILL CHRISTMAS... BAH, HUMBUG!
