I've PMed five different people from the list and have received no responses. I know that people are busy, but I'm only waiting on this and making sure I can get my committee LOR by the end of the summer to apply. I've practically got the thing memorized and can't stand to look at it anymore.
Therefore, I've attached it to this thread and hope that some of you that have been successful in applying to med school can take the time to read it. It's at just under 4500 characters and a regular word doc.
I think it's a very solid essay overall. I'm still on the fence about using ER as your opener, but it is still relevant to your essay.
Now, as for my actual nit-picking:
Because of my fascination with ER, I knew that all it would have taken for her to have full mobility was a simple operation
That's a rather bold statement. I do not think you can credibly say that because you watched ER, you knew what kind of care this woman required and if it was simple at all. I would tone it down a bit.
but even the hospitals aren't the mecca of hope and wellness to the sick that they are in the US
Although Bulgaria may certainly have worse health care than the U.S., I highly doubt that people who frequent hospitals in the U.S. would describe U.S. hospitals as a "Mecca of hope". If you have an experience to back up your statement, I would include it, otherwise you need to tone down the hyperbole.
The following fall and spring, I spent time volunteering at a free clinic and working at a local daycare. The dichotomy (incorrect word to use given the context; the word you're looking for seems to be discrepancy) between the two groups was severe, but even the patients who often waited until they had no other choice than to go see a doctor at the free clinic had a better standard of care than those in Bulgaria. From that point on, I determined that I was going to spend my life trying to make others lives better. Thats why I went to Thailand to help with the relief effort. Thats why Im part of the ONE campaign, why I follow the news about the genocide in Darfur. Its more than being a decent human. I want to help them, want to make life easier for those who havent had the opportunities that I have had in the US; I want to alleviate their pain, fix their scrapes, mend broken bones, feed them, immunize them, make them more whole in any way I can. Its why I want to be a doctor. That's what I want to learn, what I can only learn in medical school.
This entire paragraph has me confused. You initially make references to Bulgaria in the prior paragraph, then compare a free clinic to a daycare, and then compare the free clinic to Bulgaria. First of all, the comparison of a free clinic to a daycare seem rather illogical since their functions are quite different. You don't establish how the "dichotomy between the two [is] different", but rather just state it to be. If you know of a way to properly relate the two, then keep it, but otherwise your statement is kind of inane. Next, you immediately jump to the conclusion that you want to spend your life making others' lives better and then you list things you did that justify this conclusion. I think the order of these statements needs to be rearranged such that you state your activities in Thailand, etc. and then say that due to your satisfactory experiences in these activities, you came to the conclusion that you want to spend the rest of your life making others' lives better. Your following statement, "I want to help them, want to make life easier for those who havent had the opportunities that I have had in the US", warrants an explicit statement of your intentions. So one of your main goals as a doctor is to assist in international efforts? This makes your prior statement about the U.S. Health care system (or at least I think that's what you were trying to get at with the discussion of the free clinic) even more irrelevant to this paragraph. Next, your list of intentions, "I want to alleviate their pain, fix their scrapes, mend broken bones, feed them, immunize them, make them more whole in any way I can. Its why I want to be a doctor.", seems kind of excessive as it can be easily summed up into much fewer words. It appears to be just filler. Also, the order of the last two statements: "Its why I want to be a doctor. That's what I want to learn, what I can only learn in medical school." needs to be changed given your prior listing of intentions. The last sentence needs to come first (assuming "that" refers to the scrapes, broken bones, etc.). Actually, both those sentences say exactly the same thing so choose one and throw out the other. You could keep both by changing "that" into something less vague, but I think it would just become more filler.
The ride to medical school hasnt been easy for me, though I know I'm now ready for the challenge (I think you can take this out; it isn't necessary to have the conclusion of your paragraph in your topic sentence; it's up to you. I think it's unnecessary). After performing well in high school honor classes without much effort, I wasnt prepared for college and I struggled the first two years; it wasnt until I entered York County Community College (Since I don't have the other parts of your transcript, I'm confused by the order of events here. Did you go to a traditional university, withdraw, and then go to a community college?) that I was able to succeed, graduating with an associate's degree in accounting and a 3.43 GPA. The rigor (What specific rigor? You're taking it for granted that accounting classes are rigorous) of accounting classes better prepared me for the science classes I soon faced at the University of Southern Maine, and once I learned to balance school, work and family obligations, my grades began to rise. My focus on school and time-management enabled me to persevere through a huge challenge this past semester: multiple power outages and a gigantic storm that resulted in houses on my street actually being pulled into the ocean. I even studied by candlelight. Im now secure in my capability to excel and thrive in both science classes and the medical field (Strong conclusion, but weak supporting arguments. I think it's a rather large extrapolation to assume that because you know how to study that you will do well in the medical field. You need to justify your statement more and explain why you think perseverance will help you in the medical field, ideally by recounting a personal experience.).
I was drawn early in high school to the field of medicine because of ER, and traveling internationally has led me to not only realize but experience the horrible medical conditions present elsewhere (Once again, I think you need to state whether your intentions are to pursue international medicine, medicine locally, or a blend of the two. It's unknown to me even up to this point.). I don't have a vision of a healthy world holding hands singing Kumbaya, but I have a vision where my abilities as a doctor can help save and heal, one patient at a time. (I like your whimsical ending).
Overall, I think you have a very good idea in what you want to say in your essay, but you really need to fix your presentation. I understand there is a strict word limit, but do not make statements that you have no intention of backing up unless you are absolutely sure it is a given. Also, remove all contractions (i.e. couldn't, shouldn't, I'm, etc.).
Good luck.
