Things I Can't Do at Work Anymore (Funny)

[ISU_Steve]

OK....I'm an EMT-Intermediate for a local volunteer fire department and kind of (in)famous for my sense of humor while at work. So me and several other people on another forum I belong to started compiling a list of things we can no longer do at work. I figured as stressed out as a lot of you are (some of you are downright neurotic), that most of you could use a good laugh. Enjoy! (The ones in bold are mine)

Things that Paramedics are not allowed to do while on duty
by Steve R.

1. It is not the policy of this ambulance service to “clear the room” when responding to a frequent flyer shortness of breath patient. So give the flashbang grenades back to the SWAT team and get on with your job.
2. The rule against forming a union at this service also apply to forming a guild hall.
3. Not allowed to reenact scenes from Monty Python’s Life of Brian on scene.
4. My job description does not include the charge to “winnow out the weak”. With that caveat, high explosives need not be included in the jump kit.
5. Fishnet stockings are not to be worn while on duty, even if they are not visible under my pants. (One of our female EMT's did this as a joke.....very long story)
6. Not allowed to frighten livestock by “mooing” at them through the PA mike on the ambulance
7. Not allowed the Grim Reaper outfit while on duty (not even on Halloween). Or the Easter Bunny costume, or the Cupid suit, etc.
8. We do not sell advertising space on the ambulance, our uniforms or on the jump bags. We also can not drag advertising banners behind the ambulance. And yes you have to give back the money.
9. It is not the role of the service’s public information officer to tell obscene jokes in front of the press. This is why you are no longer the PIO.
10. Not allowed to diagnose psychological problems and “shallow gene pool” is not listed in the DSM-IV anyhow. Ditto for “too stupid to f---ing live”
11. “I was bored” is not an excuse for anything done in the crew quarters with a bullhorn, a goat and a storm whistle.
12. Not allowed to continue to use the Organ Procurement Organization cooler to store my lunch.
13. It is possible to consume too much coffee before going on a call.
14. When my rhythm on an EKG changes from sinus rhythm to something that the cardiologist had a hard time identifying, I have achieved #13.
15. Must leave the noble art of dentistry to professionals
16. Yes, we are professionals, but not that kind of professional.
17. The cattle prod….get rid of it NOW.
18. It is wrong to require the rookie to serve as a test subject when CCSD Deputy Best wants to try out his new super-potent pepper foam.
19. Must not require the EMT students to take a loyalty oath in German
20. Not allowed to put fake blood capsules in your mouth before walking up to a frequent flyer.
21. Must stop waving hand over psych patients and saying “The Force is strong in this one”.
22. About the battering ram, two words: BAD THEORY.
23. Must not prove the medical director or EMS supervisor wrong when they say “you wouldn’t dare!”.
24. Must not dip the ensign when the EMS supervisor or medical director drives by.
25. The proper response to a board of inquiry is not “But ‘treason’ is such a hard word.”
26. It is wrong to point out that the neighboring district’s black uniforms with a red patch on the left arm are inappropriate for various historical reasons given the fact that there’s a synagogue next to their station. Especially must not point this out to the press.
27. The “Buddy Christ” statue (http://store.yahoo.com/jsbstash/budchrisdass1.html) is to be removed from the dash of the ambulance immediately.
28. Station 6 can not secede from the rest of the district.
29. There is no such thing as “The 2x4 of Immunity” and I should stop swinging it at drunk patients who have repeatedly had the sh-t beat out of them in order to attempt to render them immune to future trauma.
30. It is wrong to willfully exacerbate the fears of my patients.
31. Must stop chanting “Patients are the enemy…..I must eliminate my enemy” while listening to “Conflict” by Disturbed at a volume that would deafen the guys from Deep Purple.
32. The proper way to perform a dopamine calculation does not involve, in any way shape or form, knowing the airspeed velocity of a sparrow, either laden or unladen.
33. I am not allowed to exacerbate my supervisor’s feeling of nameless dread.
34. I am not allowed to pull up behind a parked semi while my partner is sleeping in the passenger seat of the ambulance, lay on the horn and scream “LOOK OUT!!!!!!!!!”
35. Not allowed to refer to the proctologist as “that a--hole doc” anymore.
36. Not allowed to mark my unit out of service in order to respond to the Bat Signal, no matter what dastardly danger threatens fair Gotham.
37. In regards to #36, “bat nipples” are not part of a proper EMS uniform.
38. From now on, if a patient’s chief complaint involves “I was bitten by a plague rat”, I will contact medical control and let them know about this PRIOR to contacting the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
39. The proper German translation of “EMS Supervisor” is “Rettungsdienstleiter”, not “Rettungsfuehrer” so I will take that sign off of the door immediately. (One of my firefighters thought it would be funny to put this sign on my office door)
40. Not allowed to standby while stupid probie firefighters nearly asphyxiate themselves because of thorough unfamiliarity with their SCBA’s.
41. Not allowed to bite the drug dog.
42. Not even if “he tried to bite me first!”
43. Not allowed to lick ER nurses.
44. A flying tackle is not the appropriate way to get a chief’s attention.
45. Not allowed to elect a stuffed penguin the new volunteer EMS supervisor.
46. Not allowed to bring a baby alligator to the station and announce that it’s “the new mascot”.
47. Not allowed to play to the Chief’s delusions of godhood.
48. Not allowed to assemble hamster tubes throughout the station to “give the little guys room to play!”
49. Not allowed to answer honestly when Game Warden asks what we were going to do with a 12 ft python we removed from someone’s house.
50. Especially not when the answer to #49 involves the words “chief’s office”
51. “Because I got tired of telling the b-stard to be careful” is not an acceptable excuse when your partner finally shocked himself while defibing a patient.
52. I will not refer to stroke pts as CCFCP (coo coo for cocoa puffs).
53. I will not surgilube the door handles of the supervisors vehicle.
54. I will not call dispatch and ask them for a tone test immediately after my partner goes into the bathroom or shower.
55. I will not spike a 1000 bag of fluid and leave it on top of the tire and run the tubing in the window over the drivers seat so the next person to drive the rig gets wet.
56. I will not turn on the enemy's (translated: rival company) lights and sirens while they are in the ER with a pt so that when they turn the truck on they make a lot of noise, nor will i tape down the airhorn button after filling the airhorns with hand cleanser foam....
57. I will get my paperwork done on time.
58. I will stop wasting time online adding things to lists in order to comply with #57!
59. No spreading D50 on the steering wheel of another paramedics rig. Especially when the station has an ant problem.
60. Company IV supplies are not to be used for a D5W hangover cure.
61. Not allowed to place an ad in the newpaper in which the says "Spacious imaculatly clean two story house in good order for sale complete with :4 car garage, Full size kitchen, fenced in back yard, 12 bedrooms, 4 offices, 3 bathrooms, 2 shower rooms, 4 poles for easy access to bottom floor, and it has an Excelent intercom system" Then place the chief's personal cell phone as the call number with intructions to call between 8:00Pm to 8:00am.
62. Not allowed to put methylene blue dye in everyone's coffee before a urine drug test (It turns their urine the same color as the dye they put in the toilet to keep you from diluting the specimen).
63. Not allowed to tie the EMT student into a Stokes litter and run them up the flagpole and leave them there over night. (Thought about it, didn't actually do it)
63. Not allowed to play Ludacris' "Move B*tch" over the loud speaker when running hot.
64. Not allowed to "remix" the sirens to get a funky beat on lights and sirens
65. Not allowed to play mail box bingo with the ambulance
66. not allowed to long strap the probie to the bed on their first night and smear surgilube and foam alcohol all over them
67. not allowed to tell probie that they must sleep in the truck on their first night "because it's your job to make sure gloves and equipment are ready to go upon the click of the mic
68. not allowed to use the ambulances spot lights in order to jack deer on the back roads at night
69. Not allowed to fill a rubber glove with 02 in the parking lot with a trail of alcohol rub hand cleaner, so as to light it with a match from a safe distance. Contrary to popular belief the neighbors do not enjoy this.(neither do the police nor the fire dept.)
70.Not allowed to clean out the inside of a fuel tank with water while it is still running. (it is supposed to smell like that)
71.Not Allowed to switch the bathroom door with the glass door from the front of the station.
72.Not allowed to turn my supervisors door handle to his office around so it locks from the outside.
73. Not allowed to remove the cot from the back of the reserve ambulance and use it to move large quantities of beer and liquor prior to a party.

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[ISU_Steve]

74. Not allowed to call in the shooting of a chihuahua (by a deputy after the dog bit him while he was helping move a big fat CHF patient) to the hospital as a trauma alert. Not even if we've started two IV's and tubed the dog and are making the student work it like a trauma code.
75. Not allowed to put a bed pan on the drivers seat for those long hauls across the state...
76. Never sound the horn when a photographer is changing lenses...oops
77. Horses are epileptic when shining sirens at them (don't ask....)
78. According to my boss, WD40 cures all mechanical problems
79. The truck should be 2 inches from the line when backing up
80. Fat people make good airbags (on fruit street in Concord NH)
81. Tell your director that he is old enough to have started paramedicine
82. That is not a black unmarked helicopter hovering above the LZ, that's the Lifeline chopper and you d--n well know it.
83. Not allowed to turn Medic 694 (a reserve ambulance) into a low-rider. And no you can't keep the money from the contest.
84. Not allowed to have sex with your girlfriend in the back of the ambulance in between calls. More specifically, you're not allowed to get caught having sex with your girlfriend in between calls. Even more specifically not allowed to get caught by your girlfriend's mom who "happens" to be an EMT at your service. (NOTE: This was not me, it was one of the other EMT's at my service.)
85. When dealing with a suicidal patient, there is nothing in the protocols that stipulates that proper treatment involves giving them a Judas Priest album
86. Same goes for a subscription to "Guns and Ammo"
87. The voices in my head do not have permission to act as medical control.
88. Not allowed to baptize the probies in the dump tank at a fire.
89. I must admit to my mistakes. I am not allowed to invoke the Fifth Amendment when the medical director asks "And just where in the protocols does it say that?"
90. Holy water and crucifixes do not ward off EMS supervisors.
91. The last time the supervisor checked I was not ordained by any of the major faiths, so I am to immediately stop administering last rites to all my patients.
92. Not allowed to organize the probies into teams for "stupid human tricks"
93. The caber toss may well be something from my ethnic heritage, but care should be taken in the throwing of telephone poles in public spaces.
94. No matter what I ate, gastrointestinal problems do not constitute a fire hazard
95. It is not appropriate to burn your supervisor in effigy.
96. Ditto for fire officers, probies, and medical directors.
97. Must stop shouting "CONTAINMENT BREACH" when someone farts!
98. Just because the courts say I can, doesn’t mean I should. Or must. Or have a divine mandate.
99. The phrase ‘Golf is like sex, you perform better wearing cleats’ is not to be spoken in this building ever again.
100. A good call-in should be like a woman's skirt, long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to keep interest. Yours are more like a wonderbra…attention getting, but mostly built up on false pretenses.
101. It is not allowed to tape down the phone reciever.
102. It is not allowed to staple the bottom of your partners pants/jumpsuits .
103. It is not allowed to wear small fruit symbol pins on your pocket symbolizing the near saves.
104. It is not allowed to have your adm. who runs 1 call a year to retrieve a "# 7 fallopian tube" to just get him out of the way. Then have have everybody laugh when he claims he can't find it !
105. It is not allowed to hook up the air horn/siren switch to the steering wheel when turned.
106. It is not allowed to apply K-Y to the wiper blades of your partners windshield wipers.
107. It is not allowed to apply shaving cream to the reciever end of the phone.
108. It is not allowed to make a bumper sticker out of 2" tape, reading " honk if you like little boys" .. supv get really mad about this.
109. Not allowed to perform a "Ford road test" down the railroad tracks, on frequent flyers.
110. Not allowed to "eat" members, EMS membership cards.
111. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
112. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
113. Must not use the ambulance to “Squish” things.
114. My supervisors are not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
115. Not allowed to cut a piece of bologna to fit inside the handset of the supervisor's phone.
116. Not allowed to stand on the helipad at the trauma center and belt out Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" at the top of my lungs.
117. not allowed to wait for everyone to sit down to eat, nap, etc. call for a tone test and anounce just before it over the PA "BOX CALL BOX CALL BOX CALL" Always a fun one to do to the probies. Not that I would know though
118. It is not allowed to call medical control to pronounce roadkill
119. Not allowed to tell psych patients that Orange koolaid will make it "all better."
120. Not allowed to change the fire department's dispatch tones to "Smoke on the Water".
121. I am not a professional wrestler and therefore, I do not need an "arena entrance theme".
122. Not allowed to place viscous Lidocaine to boss's coffee cup rim, to make a dribble glass.
123. Not allowed to dump 40 mg of Lasix in partners coffee, and place an "out of order" sign on the toilet.
124. Not allowed to place Atropine in the Visine eye drops.
125. Not allowed to be at home, drink 13 shots of Tequila, then call in to work on the emergency line, and tell the dispatcher to have a certain crew member come to "sex" you over because you just fell out of the bathtub and you hit your head on the sink. When you really meant to call the buisness line to contact your supervisor and tell them to come check you over to make sure you have no serious subdural hematomas because your too drunken to know if your still breathing. ( An old college buddy of mine actually did this, needless to say he got fired the next day).
126. Not allowed to stand in the middle of the heli-pad behind the station with your arms reached out to the sky and you belt out to the top of your lungs "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!! I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKY!"
127. Not allowed to make the student sleep in Unit 7 with the Annie doll (CPR mannequin) all night to let the next day crew discover them both on the cot.
128. Not allowed to tell your instructor just how he's gonna treat his pt., even if that pt. happens to be your brother.
129. Not allowed to go on a jail call for a hallucinating inmate with a possible OD of meth, crawl into the ceiling vent above the cell and pretend to be the voices telling him that the other Paramedic is really an undercover CIA agent that is easily killed by being peed on.
130. Not allowed to park the ambulance in the middle of a cornfield and turn on all the warning lights to "simulate a UFO landing".
131. Not allowed to make crop circles (especially not while doing the above).
132. Not allowed to mimic the voice of your State EMS director over HEAR 1 or any of the other hospital channels.
133. Not allowed to demonstrate anything you have seen in any movies with the ambulances or first response vehicles, yes this includes Blues Brothers; Mother, Jugs and Speed; Super Troopers and Bringing Out the Dead.
134. Not allowed to do Chinese fire drills to other ambulances as you are traveling down the road.
135. Not allowed to turn another agency's siren on while their truck is unattended and then take the knob for the siren with you.
136. Not allowed to take you and your partners identical red/white lunch coolers and put signs saying live organs keep cool on the dash of your truck while parked in the sun.

 

[ISU_Steve]

137. Not allowed to use the word "Crikey" at a scene where an animal has caused an injury.
138. Not allowed to request that Queen's "Princes of the Universe" (the theme from the Highlander movies; LYRICS: Here we are, born to be kings, We're the princes of the universe; Here we belong, Fighting to survive in a world with the darkest powers) be played whenever you enter the room
139. The SWAT team are highly trained, heavily armed, and normally very short-tempered law enforcement professionals, there for it is wrong (for at least three good reasons) to refer to them as "war pigs".
140. When ordering supplies, "buttload", "-ssload", "sh-tload", "a little bit", or "whatever you feel like giving me" are not considered valid quantities.
141. The words "gross stupidity" are never to be used on official forms to explain why an ambulance/fire apparatus/chief's vehicle is in the shop.
142. Laxative is not to be liquified and injected into the chiefs jelly using a tuberculin syringe.
143. It is wrong to replace the protocols with porno magazines.
144. Not allowed to make the probie get an "exhaust sample".
145. The medical director is not "my b-tch".
146. The county board members may well be "the crookedest motherf-ckers," in the whole county, but I am not of the proper rank to voice this opinion to the press.
147. Not allowed to attempt to shave with fire. At least while on duty
148. Not allowed to request the medevac helicopter by asking the dispatcher to call for "the flying billboard".
149. Not allowed to throw snowballs at the helicopter. This is not the proper way to tell them to disregard.
150. If I must throw snowballs at the helicopter, do not hit the windscreen.
151. Olde English is the not appropriate language for any official memo. Nor is Anglo-Saxon.
152. Not allowed to hold probies responsible for not obeying orders issued in a language that they do not speak.
153. Not allowed to refer to the SAR training as "hide and seek for grownups".
154. Not allowed to glue magnets to the SAR team's compasses before the aforementioned exercise.
155. Not allowed to get the chief a subscription to gay porn.
156. Not allowed to attempt to purchase .50 caliber machineguns, M1A1 Abrams tanks, destroyers, Chinese hookers, and small guys named Bob to take care of our vehicles through normal supply channels. One must obtain special permission from the county board for these items.
157. Not allowed to go to the county board seeking permission to purchase .50 caliber machineguns, M1A1 Abrams tanks, destroyers, Chinese hookers, and small guys named Bob to take care of our vehicles.
158. If you are going to take your ambulance into the local herd of livestock, it is critical to do as much damage as is conceivable. Remember, less than 6 is your fault. More than 6 is the owners fault, and if there was a fence in the way it doesn't mean jack **** to a board of inquiry.
159. Screaming "Kill them all and let God sort them out" while executing the above mentioned slaughter by emergency vehicle is not acceptable.
160. However there are serious style points involved if you can scream it in Latin.
161. Whenever the phrase "Is this crap flammable?" is heard, RUN. 9 for 10, the source of that phrase already has their zippo burning and is finding out.
162. Not allowed to speak to the press about the war in Iraq while in my FD uniform. On a related note: The greatest weapon we can inflict on the enemy is NOT dropping a schoolbus full of ******ed children on them.
163. It is advisable to LEARN to drive a vehicle, before claiming to be able to do so. Particularly in the case of anything that can achieve flight.
164. Not allowed to require the probies to refer to you as "sire". And do not have the junior firefighters who are exchange students refer to you as "excellency".
165. Not allowed to force the probies to kneel before you.
166. Not allowed to tell a medevac helicopter pilot best know as "Zeke": "There's not enough room to fly under that!". Not even if I want to see him try.
167. Not allowed to run up to the medevac helicopter at the ER with a squeegee and a bucket and ask the pilot for a dollar to wash their windows.
168. Not allowed to pole dance at the firehouse.

 

[ISU_Steve]

169. Firing bottle rockets that look like tracers at a helicopter piloted by someone who just returned from a combat zone is a bad idea.
170. “Schiavoesque” is not to be used as a description of a nursing home patient’s mental status.
171. As the medic on the tactical team, I should not be packing twice the firepower of anyone else on the team.
172. Not allowed to wrap the probie in aluminum foil and hoist him up the flag pole as a thunderstorm comes into the area. This is the not the proper way to "deploy storm spotters".
173. The chipmunks on ISU's campus are just that- chipmunks. Therefore it is wrong to convince the Chinese exchange students who have a poor grasp on the English language that they are in fact "Eastern Flesh-Eating Ground Squirrels".
174. "Plunder and pillage" are not, and I repeat NOT, part of this department's SOP for salvage and overhaul.
175. Not allowed to do "shout outs" to "my peeps" on the county fire dispatch frequency. (Not our department)
176. The proper way to get the attention of a dispatcher on the radio does not involve the words "Yo, b-tch" (Not our department)
177. Not allowed to switch the defib gel for an alcohol based hair gel. (Hint: FOOM! )
178. Not allowed to secretly switch out the regular coffee for decaf and then several weeks after everyone has lost their tolerance to caffeine, abruptly switch to espresso.
179. Not allowed to request "the blue canaries" (or in our case "the brown canaries") over the county fire dispatch frequency.
180. Not allowed to hand the probie or EMT student a lit road flare and send them in to see if the scene is safe (if they pass out, blow up, or get shot, it's not safe).
181. Not allowed to say "Stop yer b-tchin'! The guy you hit got decapitated," because it unnerves the patient. (I saw a paramedic for Transcare Ambulance say this to a patient once)
182. Not allowed to refer to the AirEvac helicopter (the POS dash for cash helicopter service) as the "tin can with rotors".
183. Not allowed to approach bystanders who are doing CPR on a trauma patient and greet them with "Would you please be so kind as to stop flogging that corpse?".
184. There is no valid reason for the phrase "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" to ever be screamed without warning during training of the probies
185. Likewise for the expression, "Damn it Probie! You've armed it! RUNNNNNN!!!"
186. It is wrong to tie up and march the probie down to the river while loudly singing "You bring a line, I'll bring a pole, we're going fishing in a crocodile hole!" (Anyone who has seen the Disney cartoon "Rescuers Down Under" will understand where this comes from).
187. Not allowed to procure the head of the horse that was hit by a truck "for illicit, immoral or disrespectful purposes".
188. Yes, placing the aforementioned horse's head in the chief's bunk meets the criteria for "illicit, immoral or disrespectful purposes".
189.Not allowed to smoke or squeal the tires on the ambulance when leaving the ER.
190. Not allowed to drag race the ambulance against a sheriff's deputy's patrol car
191. Not allowed to "sup up" the supervisor's truck in preparation for the rematch against the county sheriff's patrol car.
192. On a related note: The nitrous is to be refilled and placed back on the ambulance immediately.
Not allowed to refer to the big Baptist church just off the highway as "The First Church of the Holy Bonanza Cash Flow".....at least not on the radio.
193. Not allowed to call into a nationally syndicated radio program (BOB AND TOM) and request the song "Tom's an Assbag" to be played for one of your neighboring department's training chief (named Tom) on his birthday.
194. Not allowed to call college radio shows in Vermont from your station in Indiana (webcasts are great aren't they?) and request a song "for the boys at B------- Fire Station 11!"
195. Not allowed to use the fireground tactical frequency on the portable radios to aid in your annual deer hunt.
196. Not allowed to cook anything you hit with the ambulance/fire truck/etc.
197. At least not at the station.
198. Not allowed to "code surf" while going into the local veterinary emergency clinic with a squirrel you are trying to revive after you saw it get electrocuted on a high-voltage electrical wire.

 

[egpndoc]

169. Firing bottle rockets that look like tracers at a helicopter piloted by someone who just returned from a combat zone is a bad idea.
170. “Schiavoesque” is not to be used as a description of a nursing home patient’s mental status.
171. As the medic on the tactical team, I should not be packing twice the firepower of anyone else on the team.
172. Not allowed to wrap the probie in aluminum foil and hoist him up the flag pole as a thunderstorm comes into the area. This is the not the proper way to "deploy storm spotters".
173. The chipmunks on ISU's campus are just that- chipmunks. Therefore it is wrong to convince the Chinese exchange students who have a poor grasp on the English language that they are in fact "Eastern Flesh-Eating Ground Squirrels".
174. "Plunder and pillage" are not, and I repeat NOT, part of this department's SOP for salvage and overhaul.
175. Not allowed to do "shout outs" to "my peeps" on the county fire dispatch frequency. (Not our department)
176. The proper way to get the attention of a dispatcher on the radio does not involve the words "Yo, b-tch" (Not our department)
177. Not allowed to switch the defib gel for an alcohol based hair gel. (Hint: FOOM! )
178. Not allowed to secretly switch out the regular coffee for decaf and then several weeks after everyone has lost their tolerance to caffeine, abruptly switch to espresso.
179. Not allowed to request "the blue canaries" (or in our case "the brown canaries") over the county fire dispatch frequency.
180. Not allowed to hand the probie or EMT student a lit road flare and send them in to see if the scene is safe (if they pass out, blow up, or get shot, it's not safe).
181. Not allowed to say "Stop yer b-tchin'! The guy you hit got decapitated," because it unnerves the patient. (I saw a paramedic for Transcare Ambulance say this to a patient once)
182. Not allowed to refer to the AirEvac helicopter (the POS dash for cash helicopter service) as the "tin can with rotors".
183. Not allowed to approach bystanders who are doing CPR on a trauma patient and greet them with "Would you please be so kind as to stop flogging that corpse?".
184. There is no valid reason for the phrase "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" to ever be screamed without warning during training of the probies
185. Likewise for the expression, "Damn it Probie! You've armed it! RUNNNNNN!!!"
186. It is wrong to tie up and march the probie down to the river while loudly singing "You bring a line, I'll bring a pole, we're going fishing in a crocodile hole!" (Anyone who has seen the Disney cartoon "Rescuers Down Under" will understand where this comes from).
187. Not allowed to procure the head of the horse that was hit by a truck "for illicit, immoral or disrespectful purposes".
188. Yes, placing the aforementioned horse's head in the chief's bunk meets the criteria for "illicit, immoral or disrespectful purposes".
189.Not allowed to smoke or squeal the tires on the ambulance when leaving the ER.
190. Not allowed to drag race the ambulance against a sheriff's deputy's patrol car
191. Not allowed to "sup up" the supervisor's truck in preparation for the rematch against the county sheriff's patrol car.
192. On a related note: The nitrous is to be refilled and placed back on the ambulance immediately.
Not allowed to refer to the big Baptist church just off the highway as "The First Church of the Holy Bonanza Cash Flow".....at least not on the radio.
193. Not allowed to call into a nationally syndicated radio program (BOB AND TOM) and request the song "Tom's an Assbag" to be played for one of your neighboring department's training chief (named Tom) on his birthday.
194. Not allowed to call college radio shows in Vermont from your station in Indiana (webcasts are great aren't they?) and request a song "for the boys at B------- Fire Station 11!"
195. Not allowed to use the fireground tactical frequency on the portable radios to aid in your annual deer hunt.
196. Not allowed to cook anything you hit with the ambulance/fire truck/etc.
197. At least not at the station.
198. Not allowed to "code surf" while going into the local veterinary emergency clinic with a squirrel you are trying to revive after you saw it get electrocuted on a high-voltage electrical wire.

Lots of free time on our hands huh?

 

[ISU_Steve]

Kind of. That list is about stuff I've heard about and/or been witness to over the past 8 years. Yeah, we get lots of down time, and yes we tend to be very relaxed when we aren't actually out working on a patient, but the down time gives me a lot of time to study.

 

[45540]

my question is are you really going to have a half page long profile until 2007 when you apply to schools?

 

[ISU_Steve]

Is it really any concern of yours?

 

[UofM_DMD]

Is it really any concern of yours?

what a great way to start things off here on sdn.......

 

[ISU_Steve]

Wasn't meant in a hateful or nasty manner....not anymore that what CJWolf said was......I was just wondering why he fell the need to ask about it.

 

[Jess_SB]

I think your list is pretty funny - although I haven't had time to read it all! My boyfriend's a Medic (currently working on getting into a fire department here in California) - so I'm sure he will appreciate it too. Don't let these guys bug you, there just seems to be a lot of hostility around here lately....

 

[dentwannabe]

you should add

"GET A LIFE" to your to do list

haha.. jk.. funny list... must've taken time.





wait this doesnt make sense.. but watever..

 

[ItsGavinC]

my question is are you really going to have a half page long profile until 2007 when you apply to schools?

It's not that long, and not the longest around, that's for sure.

 

[naithgirw]

you should add "GET A LIFE" to your to do list

bump

 

[mochafreak]

Hmmm...I'm guessing you just pulled a shift and didn't get one call.

I didn't have time to read them all since I don't believe there's a stupid EMS humor section on the DAT. Did you include kerlixing the stretcher to the roof of the rig?

I'll add one: It might be a good idea to check out your buddy's first run of the morning if you're going to sneak into their rig and leave a squishy brain toy on the pillow of their stretcher. If you don't and you cheerfully wish them fun with their first "patient", you might wonder why they give you a dirty look as they're leaving...until you find out their first run is the transport of a psych patient for a frontal lobotomy.

 

[jk5177]

15. Must leave the noble art of dentistry to professionals

You got that right!


It's harder to find this list funny because I'm not an EMT myself, and many of the jokes seem to require some insight into the profession.

However, I am interested if anyone can compose such list for dentistry. Takers?

 

[naithgirw]

bump