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- Mar 29, 2004
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Hello all.
I know that discussing "weakness" is a taboo subject among the young and self-assured, but I find myself at an impasse and I need help. I am a 4th year at a reasonably well-respected institution in NYC. I have not yet taken Step 1, and realistically, I know I have only 6 or so more weeks until I must take this exam or I put myself at a disadvantage in the application process. I am finding it exceedingly hard to focus on this, since in the next 6 weeks I am also taking 2 straggler core clerkships that did not fit into my 3rd year schedule.
The following list does not imply that my life is harder than that of anyone else. It simply is an accounting of what I have been dealing with in addition to medical school for the past 3 years:
-My mother's chronic spinal cord disease took a great turn for the worse in terms of pain, coming at a time when I lived in a different city for the first time in my life.
-Buckling under the stress of family-related issues and a very unhealthy physique and lifestyle, my father has a cardiac event during my first year
-Around the time of spring break my first year, my mother was subjected to an intrathecal overdose of dilaudid and baclofen via the pharmacy mixing the drugs and misreading the decimel point resulting in a ten-fold higher dose than intended. She nearly died from this incident, and spent almost 10 weeks with varying degrees of auditory and visual hallucinations that are associated with baclofen withdrawal.
-2nd year, my future brother-in-law, whom I love very much, was diagnosed with colon cancer (requiring resection) at age 38. This disease killed his father at age 45, and seems to be the first familial proof of HNPCC.
-My fiancee, who lives with me, and who I love even more, became very depressed. She has become very close with my parents due to the absence of her own, and seeing them and her brother suffer took its toll.
-Over 2nd year, it becomes apparent that my mother has suffered short term memory losses from the overdose, and now has frequent panic attacks...a problem that she NEVER faced before, even as a disabled chronic pain patient.
-Nearly bringing my fiancee and I to our knees in disbelief, my other would-be brother-in-law dies in the Rhode Island "Station" nightclub fire, February 20, 2003.
-In the meantime, my mother no longer enjoys the pain relief that her intrathecal pump delivered before her overdose, and is in 10/10 pain almost all the time.
I wish the above timeline were either 1) bull****, or 2) stretched out over 10-20 years instead of 3 years in med school. But this is how and when it has all come down. The stuff with my mother...how sad to admit this...is all but expected in my life. Her medical history is a sad series of events, I can assure you. Our whole family has worked through it bit by bit for 20 years. The other events, on top of her misfortune, are what has really thrown me off kilter here.
Despite maintaining High Pass/Honors grades in my clinical clerkships this past year, I still have not taken this god forsaken Step 1 exam, and I HEAR THE CLOCK TICKING DAY BY DAY. Focusing on more than one thing at a time right now (clerkship + Step 1) is beyond my ability.
My question for those who have stayed with me up to this point is this: I want to go into anesthesiology, I have always known this, but I really feel as though taking one year off and getting the hell out of New York City would do me a hell of a lot of good. Is it reasonable for me to take a year off after I graduate to get focused again and get ready for the medical road ahead? I sincerely hope it is feasible, otherwise I do not know what I'm going to do. As far as explaining it to residency directors next year, I believe I can do that without seeming like a "slacker." While there is nothing wrong with needing time to find one's self, I do not need to find myself in this instance. I simply need to pick up a few of the pieces I lost while I've been getting the **** kicked out of me these past few years.
Will I really be hurting myself by doing this? My feeling is no...given that I will surely attain a higher Step 1 score when I can take longer than 6 weeks to study for it...but I really need reassurance right now.
To those who read my entire diatribe, I thank you sincerely. I do look forward to your responses. Best of luck to each of you as you continue on the road ahead.
Keyser Soze
I know that discussing "weakness" is a taboo subject among the young and self-assured, but I find myself at an impasse and I need help. I am a 4th year at a reasonably well-respected institution in NYC. I have not yet taken Step 1, and realistically, I know I have only 6 or so more weeks until I must take this exam or I put myself at a disadvantage in the application process. I am finding it exceedingly hard to focus on this, since in the next 6 weeks I am also taking 2 straggler core clerkships that did not fit into my 3rd year schedule.
The following list does not imply that my life is harder than that of anyone else. It simply is an accounting of what I have been dealing with in addition to medical school for the past 3 years:
-My mother's chronic spinal cord disease took a great turn for the worse in terms of pain, coming at a time when I lived in a different city for the first time in my life.
-Buckling under the stress of family-related issues and a very unhealthy physique and lifestyle, my father has a cardiac event during my first year
-Around the time of spring break my first year, my mother was subjected to an intrathecal overdose of dilaudid and baclofen via the pharmacy mixing the drugs and misreading the decimel point resulting in a ten-fold higher dose than intended. She nearly died from this incident, and spent almost 10 weeks with varying degrees of auditory and visual hallucinations that are associated with baclofen withdrawal.
-2nd year, my future brother-in-law, whom I love very much, was diagnosed with colon cancer (requiring resection) at age 38. This disease killed his father at age 45, and seems to be the first familial proof of HNPCC.
-My fiancee, who lives with me, and who I love even more, became very depressed. She has become very close with my parents due to the absence of her own, and seeing them and her brother suffer took its toll.
-Over 2nd year, it becomes apparent that my mother has suffered short term memory losses from the overdose, and now has frequent panic attacks...a problem that she NEVER faced before, even as a disabled chronic pain patient.
-Nearly bringing my fiancee and I to our knees in disbelief, my other would-be brother-in-law dies in the Rhode Island "Station" nightclub fire, February 20, 2003.
-In the meantime, my mother no longer enjoys the pain relief that her intrathecal pump delivered before her overdose, and is in 10/10 pain almost all the time.
I wish the above timeline were either 1) bull****, or 2) stretched out over 10-20 years instead of 3 years in med school. But this is how and when it has all come down. The stuff with my mother...how sad to admit this...is all but expected in my life. Her medical history is a sad series of events, I can assure you. Our whole family has worked through it bit by bit for 20 years. The other events, on top of her misfortune, are what has really thrown me off kilter here.
Despite maintaining High Pass/Honors grades in my clinical clerkships this past year, I still have not taken this god forsaken Step 1 exam, and I HEAR THE CLOCK TICKING DAY BY DAY. Focusing on more than one thing at a time right now (clerkship + Step 1) is beyond my ability.
My question for those who have stayed with me up to this point is this: I want to go into anesthesiology, I have always known this, but I really feel as though taking one year off and getting the hell out of New York City would do me a hell of a lot of good. Is it reasonable for me to take a year off after I graduate to get focused again and get ready for the medical road ahead? I sincerely hope it is feasible, otherwise I do not know what I'm going to do. As far as explaining it to residency directors next year, I believe I can do that without seeming like a "slacker." While there is nothing wrong with needing time to find one's self, I do not need to find myself in this instance. I simply need to pick up a few of the pieces I lost while I've been getting the **** kicked out of me these past few years.
Will I really be hurting myself by doing this? My feeling is no...given that I will surely attain a higher Step 1 score when I can take longer than 6 weeks to study for it...but I really need reassurance right now.
To those who read my entire diatribe, I thank you sincerely. I do look forward to your responses. Best of luck to each of you as you continue on the road ahead.
Keyser Soze
