Urrrrgh ...single?

ruralsurg4now

ruralsurg4now

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HI, I'm a long-time lurker and was hoping I could discuss this even though I'm not a spouse or a partner, since I did need some support. 🙄

So the situation is that I'm a surgeon and I'm in my 30s. The problem is that I'm single. And even though everyone popularly thinks that means you have it made, it's the complete opposite. I just finished residency a few years ago and during med school and residency I never dated. I'm an introverted guy, but I did force myself to go to some social events over the years. The problem is that I never really met anyone I was that interested in. But also I really put it off. (You know how physicians are masters of "delayed gratification" where all of their friends are working and you feel like a little kid because you're still going to school?) I deliberately said to myself that I was going to focus on studying in med school and then, well, residency for surgery is just draining time-wise, even with work-hours restrictions.

Again, this isn't meant to be a "why me?" I had co-residents who worked just as many hours as me and found the time to go out and party or hook-up. I just wasn't into that, so it's totally on me. But now that I'm done with everything and actually have waaay more time that I've had for a while, I'm looking to get into a relationship. And like I said, everyone says you're gold because you're smart, you have a good job, you're not a deadbeat, you're a DOCTOR!! Yeah, fine, but all the women are married. OK, I don't mean all, but it's pretty slim pickings. (And I'm sure it's much worse for female physicians, so I don't mean to sound like I'm all self-centered.)

To make things worse, I'm going to be living in a small town, like just a few thousand people in the middle of nowhere. Again, you'd be amazed at how few jobs there are for surgeons in major cities. You sort of get this idea that you can just go wherever you want, but it's not the case. So ....bottom line is I'm pretty depressed (not clinically, lol, but getting close). All of my friends from med school are married with kids or if they're single don't really care, so I'm sort of stuck with nobody to talk to because neither group understand me and it sort of feels like I'm the "only one" in this situation. Anyone have any advice?

P.S. I actually joined online dating sites, before anyone suggests that. Even now in 2013, I feel really pathetic doing that, but I had nothing to lose. It's seriously a wasteland. I'm sorry if this sounds very superficial and you can call me all sorts of horrible things, but there is nobody on there that I'm remotely attracted to close to my small and rural town.
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You sound like a perfect guy to get married to a foreign woman. They appreciate this type way more than American counterparts and usually are much more interested in a serious relationship with a financially-stable mate.

If you want an American woman even for a serious relationship - you need to play the single'a guy game for at least some time before finding someone suitable. That means gym, expensive brands, and bottle service (lol it doesn't have to be like this but you get the idea).
 
Well, two things. One, I'm in a small, rural town. There aren't even many American women (who are single), let alone foreign women. I'm not so desperate yet that I'd do a mail-order bride, ha ha. 🙂 Two, I'm hoping to not have this thread degenerate into a "foreign women versus American women" fight. I do appreciate your suggestion, but I really don't want this to be about that. Oh, also, I'm in shape. Don't worry, I'm not like some big slob wondering why a supermodel isn't falling for them. You probably would call me average in looks. I'm very comfortable saying I'm not a hunk, but I'm also nowhere near being ugly.
 
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I wasn't trying to push this thread into a debate. Just throwing some ideas out there. I personally wouldn't recommend mail-order bride. I think it's all a scam anyway. But I do know a lot of American guys who join clubs, socials, etc... to meet these type of women. I realize that your options may be limited but it may be something to think about in the future if you have an option to relocate.

I wasn't trying to say you're ugly or out of shape and I apologize if I came across this way. It is more about the attitude than anything else. In my personal experience women tend to be attracted to men who have experience in "hooking up". You are more attractive to them if you play that game at least in the beginning. You can't bypass the "attraction" stage and move into serious relationship stage in American culture most of the time. It just how it works.
 
Oh, no, I didn't think you were saying that I was ugly, I was just specifying. 🙂 It's not so much even having to deal with "expectations" of women, it's just that there are none. I know this is going to sound incredibly stupid, but it's like when you finish college and suddenly all the single women disappear. This is way worse because I'm quite old (for being unmarried, not "medically," where they call 60-year-olds young). I was just looking for support from others in my position. Or even people making fun of me for waiting so long, ha ha. I guess even that would make me feel better. 🙁

I do agree with you, though. My co-residents who got lots of "action" were total players. I'm not like that and it definitely does hurt my chances. It's too bad because I'm the type of person who doesn't like to say loudly "I'M A DOCTOR!!" I actually try to avoid telling people what I do.
 
I think your biggest obstacle is the place you live at. Honestly, there are tons of single women looking for established guy in his 30s where I live. The only problem is that women who are in their 30s and single are often very cynical about men and accept it as given that they will just be single for the rest of their life while sleeping around with men who are not interested in anything serous.

You shouldn't see yourself as unfit for them. I know a guy in his 40s who rocks a mullet and is killing bugs for a living. He has more girlfriends than he can count. On the other hand I had very hard time getting anywhere after breaking up with my ex. It took about 6 month of going out to get my game back on. The point I am making is that you need to really go out there and do what those "players" are doing even if your end goal is to start a family. Otherwise you will not have the network and the know-how to pull it off when the right girl comes along. You may not even see the opportunity in front of you until you have that experience.
 
Yeah, of my co-residents was trying to get with some nurse and she was dating a guy who did a really menial job (I won't say what it was because it would make the whole thing pretty identifiable). But that being said, most times when people say that the janitor was getting tons of women, they're women that I wouldn't be interested in. I mean, if it was just about "any woman," that wouldn't be difficult. And before anyone jumps to conclusions, yes, it is about appearance, but it's also about intelligence and values. On the online sites -- keeping in mind this is a rural area and not, say, Los Angeles -- you can find fairly good-looking women, but they'll be divorced with tattoos, smoke, and have two kids at home. (Women in rural areas apparently live very fast and hard lives.)
 
I know exactly what you're saying and I myself was stuck in this mentality for a long time. When one of my friends would "pull" girls for a one night stand I would assume that those women were not what I am looking for in a first place so there was nothing that I have to gain from even trying to go after them.

The truth is all women, all people, regardless of education, culture, status have some core values that are very similar. Does it mean that the woman of your dreams could find herself infatuated with Larry the cable guy? Not likely. But she will be looking for some intangibles in her mates that she find attractive outside of career/intelligence/class etc. She can't fall in love with a pedigree. There is got to be a person able to attract her in the first place. And there is always competition for these women and you will be up against other physicians, lawyers, business people, bankers, etc. And many of those guys have been "players" (dated a lot if you will) in the past and know exactly what to say and do and how to make all the right moves. Not knowing this puts you at a serious disadvantage.

So my advice here would be to broaden your circle in any way possible in your situation. Try to go out there and make women feel attracted to you. Do things that you wouldn't normally do since what you have done so far hasn't worked and keep an open mind. Just because she is not your type doesn't mean her friend isn't. You don't have to sleep around if you don't want to just don't shut them out because you don't think they are a good match for you.
 
I completely understand what you are saying. I ask myself often if I could see myself dating someone who was in a blue-collar profession, for example. It's tough to say. A lot of physicians are married to non-physicians, but often if there's a big education discrepancy, they met when they were in high school or college. To be honest, I don't know. And I think there's always a fear that a woman would just be "marrying up." But I agree, it's an obstacle that I'm putting in front of myself and artificially narrowing my choices. I think, though, that I'd have to be way more desperate to be dating, for example, a waitress or something like that.
 
ruralsurg4now said:
I completely understand what you are saying. I ask myself often if I could see myself dating someone who was in a blue-collar profession, for example. It's tough to say. A lot of physicians are married to non-physicians, but often if there's a big education discrepancy, they met when they were in high school or college. To be honest, I don't know. And I think there's always a fear that a woman would just be "marrying up." But I agree, it's an obstacle that I'm putting in front of myself and artificially narrowing my choices. I think, though, that I'd have to be way more desperate to be dating, for example, a waitress or something like that.
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I don't want to sound like a cornball but good things really do come to those who wait. I'm not saying don't date and it'll just happen out of nowhere but you'll find someone when you least expect it! For the mean time just enjoy this time of peace...... cause once a female comes along.. well ya know.. 😛:laugh:
 
I know! It's just human nature. You tend to look at people in marriages and just assume that they're marvelous and you never look at the bad marriages and go "whew, glad that's not me!" Ultimately, I think I made the right choice for me -- had I spent a lot of energy partying or dating late at night, I think I probably wouldn't have made it into med school, but who knows?
 
Yeah who knows.. everyone's different. Though I do know a good amount of people who partied a lot to the point of passing out in the front of someones front yard and did x,y, & z but still made it into med school. I guess they're just the lucky ones!
 
Some people are good at compartmentalizing "work" and "play." I knew a very intelligent guy in med school who was very studious, but when he went out he got hammered to ridiculous levels. That's not a good idea, however, as if you do something messed up when you're drunk it really stays with you for physicians.
 
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ruralsurg4now said:
Some people are good at compartmentalizing "work" and "play." I knew a very intelligent guy in med school who was very studious, but when he went out he got hammered to ridiculous levels. That's not a good idea, however, as if you do something messed up when you're drunk it really stays with you for physicians.
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Yeah I know what you mean. I still find it to be a pretty amazing "talent". Anyway keep your chin up! you're a surgeon! be happy! 🙂
 
Sorry to derail your thread, but are you telling me there are no jobs for surgeons in big cities?

Or is it just for certain surgical specialties?

I want to avoid working in a small town if possible, and I didn't think it was that bad for surgeons.
 
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Um, well, I hope this isn't going to really derail my thread, but it depends. You can get a job in a big city, but they're scarcer, you get paid less, and you're sort of clean-up. If you go to a lot of big cities, the new-surgeon market is dominated by sub-specialists. There are certainly a lot of general surgeons, but they're guys who have carved out their niche there and are very protective of it, so you won't find an opening until someone retires or dies. So often, as a general surgeon, you sort of have to put in your dues in a small city. There's a definite shortage of surgeons, but it's a distribution problem, not a pure numbers deficiency.

If you want to discuss further, I'd prefer a PM because I don't want this thread to get totally sidetracked.
 
Don't worry it's not. This thread is too interesting. Hahah I am such a loser! This is how I'm spending my saturday night. Well, I guess it's sunday now actually.
 
It can't be that interesting, nobody's addressing the OP. :laugh:
 
Thanks for your response.

Dating in a small town can be tough, but I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.
 
ruralsurg4now said:
HI, I'm a long-time lurker and was hoping I could discuss this even though I'm not a spouse or a partner, since I did need some support. 🙄

So the situation is that I'm a surgeon and I'm in my 30s. The problem is that I'm single. And even though everyone popularly thinks that means you have it made, it's the complete opposite. I just finished residency a few years ago and during med school and residency I never dated. I'm an introverted guy, but I did force myself to go to some social events over the years. The problem is that I never really met anyone I was that interested in. But also I really put it off. (You know how physicians are masters of "delayed gratification" where all of their friends are working and you feel like a little kid because you're still going to school?) I deliberately said to myself that I was going to focus on studying in med school and then, well, residency for surgery is just draining time-wise, even with work-hours restrictions.

Again, this isn't meant to be a "why me?" I had co-residents who worked just as many hours as me and found the time to go out and party or hook-up. I just wasn't into that, so it's totally on me. But now that I'm done with everything and actually have waaay more time that I've had for a while, I'm looking to get into a relationship. And like I said, everyone says you're gold because you're smart, you have a good job, you're not a deadbeat, you're a DOCTOR!! Yeah, fine, but all the women are married. OK, I don't mean all, but it's pretty slim pickings. (And I'm sure it's much worse for female physicians, so I don't mean to sound like I'm all self-centered.)

To make things worse, I'm going to be living in a small town, like just a few thousand people in the middle of nowhere. Again, you'd be amazed at how few jobs there are for surgeons in major cities. You sort of get this idea that you can just go wherever you want, but it's not the case. So ....bottom line is I'm pretty depressed (not clinically, lol, but getting close). All of my friends from med school are married with kids or if they're single don't really care, so I'm sort of stuck with nobody to talk to because neither group understand me and it sort of feels like I'm the "only one" in this situation. Anyone have any advice?

P.S. I actually joined online dating sites, before anyone suggests that. Even now in 2013, I feel really pathetic doing that, but I had nothing to lose. It's seriously a wasteland. I'm sorry if this sounds very superficial and you can call me all sorts of horrible things, but there is nobody on there that I'm remotely attracted to close to my small and rural town.
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OP,

Sounds like a gnarly situation you're in. Single, eligible, ready to be in a committed relationship but because of work location unable to meet enough women from which to make a choice.(Does your small town happen to be in the Midwest:naughty:) Even worse, friends who are either 1.) married or 2.) single and loving it. Online dating sucks (been there, done that), so I don't blame you. The abundance of choice in there messes with peoples heads. It's a constant search for the better deal.

First, waiting to finish with training and reach a point in your life when you feel settled and ready to offer something to a partner is not a bad idea. Where I grew up that is what was expected, and I personally think it is a good strategy. Life is complicated enough as it is. Also, you're a guy. Believe me, being unmarried in your 30's is not horrible. You're old enough to know better, but young enough to be flexible and not too set in your ways.

Also, I understand the whole all good things come to those who wait philosophy, but I think when it comes to a life partner, it takes a little more work and compromise, after understanding yourself, what you want for your life and the kind of woman who will fit in will all that

Seeing as meeting women is your biggest issue right now, do you plan to stay where you are for the foreseeable future? Are you set on being a small town doctor? The reason I ask is because not all women are cut out for small town life. And while it is fun to think about that one girl who will love you enough to follow you to the ends of the earth, that doesn't happen to everybody. Ideally, you would meet and marry someone from your current area but it sounds like pickings are slim. It's Mohammed and the mountain. If getting married is that important to you, you might find yourself having to go do some time in a city (take whatever ****ty job you can find, get paid less, do the clean up) just to get a bigger playing field and more options. In that time, hopefully you meet a girl who shares your dream of small town bliss and will be willing to leave the city life behind. Rural areas needing doctors are never going to go away.

If being a small town doctor is not your ultimate plan, then consider moving as soon as a you can. Again, if getting married and starting a family is that important to you, you're going to have to be deliberate about it.

Second, how big is your family and friend network? I'm an immigrant to the US and we rely heavily on family and friends to hook us up with eligible people. You could put the word out that you're single and looking.

How do you think you would fare in a long distance relationship? Your girl might be out there but not close so it might have to come to that while you work out the kinks. The way I see it, between technology that keeps us constantly connected and the fact that you are settled, employed gainfully and likely able to travel, you could make it work.

Also, it's good to know what you want but it's important to recognize that it might come packaged different than you anticipated. I'll leave that to your interpretation. :laugh: I'm a girl in my mid 20's and the biggest lesson I am learning in life and love right now is just how much compromise and negotiation comes into actually loving someone.

Finally, (and I am just starting to come to grips with this myself) but I think being single and content would be better than married and unhappy. It;s a not a race. Keep your head up. Enjoy your life the best you can now, while you figure things out. Do the things you enjoy...all those things you put off while you went through med school and residency! Try a few new things.


Keeping my fingers crossed for you. You sound like a good guy, so I hope things really work out as you would like!

:luck:🙂
 
Thanks, Freesia, for your thoughts. The place I'm moving to isn't really considered part of the Midwest. It's along the Appalachians (i.e., hillbilly country). I'm not planning on staying here, but I unfortunately sort of need to work there for now. However, I agree with you that it would definitely be something I'd need to take into consideration.

I do plan on moving as soon as I can, but realistically speaking it would be 2-3 years or so and by then I'll be around 40 and that really scares me! Unfortunately, having spent a lot of my life studying or in training, even though I'm "old" age-wise, I'm still pretty young inside. I don't think a lot of non-physicians appreciate or understand that. This isn't meant to offend anyone, but a non-physician in their 40s has probably lived a pretty full life, whether married or not. They've probably been working for a while and they've been living their life and not just hitting the books. (I know lawyers may feel like that, too.) So even though 40 doesn't mean much to me personally, I'm sure it will scare off a lot of women below the age of, say, 32.

My closest friends are Indian and, yeah, even though they were as studious and introverted as me, when they faced this situation they basically just called home and were immediately set up with a number of Indian women. I don't think I could do that even if I had the option, though. I have a VERY small family network (it's basically just me and my mom by now) and my friends basically only know married people. Plus, since I knew them from med school, they're all scattered all over the place, but nobody near me.

With regards to staying single, I know what you mean. Basically, studies show that if you've been single long enough, you get used to that and don't feel the need to be in a relationship. For me, that was always the case in residency and med school and even in college. I never really stressed about it and I was always so busy -- even if that was just goofing off like a nerd and playing video games at home on a Friday night -- that I never had much time to think about it. I think a lot of it comes with seeing that pretty much everyone in my med school class and everyone I know is married. I think I'm also coming to the point in my life where I'm sort of wondering about what the point of it is -- I mean, not to turn this too philosophical, but if we're just here to grow up and work, I'd feel sort of empty. As I've gotten older, I'm much more interested in having a kid and watching him or her grow up, you know? (I apologize if that sounds sappy or stupid.)

Thanks for your reply!
 
ruralsurg4now said:
Thanks, Freesia, for your thoughts. The place I'm moving to isn't really considered part of the Midwest. It's along the Appalachians (i.e., hillbilly country). I'm not planning on staying here, but I unfortunately sort of need to work there for now. However, I agree with you that it would definitely be something I'd need to take into consideration.

1.I do plan on moving as soon as I can, but realistically speaking it would be 2-3 years or so and by then I'll be around 40 and that really scares me! Unfortunately, having spent a lot of my life studying or in training, even though I'm "old" age-wise, I'm still pretty young inside. I don't think a lot of non-physicians appreciate or understand that. This isn't meant to offend anyone, but a non-physician in their 40s has probably lived a pretty full life, whether married or not. They've probably been working for a while and they've been living their life and not just hitting the books. (I know lawyers may feel like that, too.) 2.So even though 40 doesn't mean much to me personally, I'm sure it will scare off a lot of women below the age of, say, 32.

My closest friends are Indian and, yeah, even though they were as studious and introverted as me, when they faced this situation they basically just called home and were immediately set up with a number of Indian women. 3. I don't think I could do that even if I had the option, though. I have a VERY small family network (it's basically just me and my mom by now) and my friends basically only know married people. Plus, since I knew them from med school, they're all scattered all over the place, but nobody near me.

With regards to staying single, I know what you mean. Basically, studies show that if you've been single long enough, you get used to that and don't feel the need to be in a relationship. For me, that was always the case in residency and med school and even in college. I never really stressed about it and I was always so busy -- even if that was just goofing off like a nerd and playing video games at home on a Friday night -- that I never had much time to think about it. I think a lot of it comes with seeing that pretty much everyone in my med school class and everyone I know is married. 4. I think I'm also coming to the point in my life where I'm sort of wondering about what the point of it is -- I mean, not to turn this too philosophical, but if we're just here to grow up and work, I'd feel sort of empty. As I've gotten older, I'm much more interested in having a kid and watching him or her grow up, you know? (I apologize if that sounds sappy or stupid.)

Thanks for your reply!
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1. Again, don't rule LDR's out. The next 2-3 years could be a time to get to know someone. You seem to really want someone near you and I can understand that. But if that doesn't work out and you happen to connect with some one far away, you can work on getting to know it other while you're in hilly billy country. It mightsuck being separated, but it can also be a good thing because you will spend a lot of time just talking. Over the phone, chatting online, skyping, texting, picking at each others minds, getting to know the other person, while at the same time being able to grow and develop as individuals. If LDR's are not your thing...well...

2. You'd be surprised. Up until this year, I didn't date anyone under 30. :laugh:

3. Given your position, flexibility and the willingness to try things you never thought yourself capable off will go a long way 🙂 Married people know other single people too.

4. It's not sappy at all. In my late teens and early 20's, I didn't ever want to get married.I fancied myself a free spirit and imagined being in my 40's, accomplished, a professional who kicks ass, sophisticated, childless, able to afford to travel the world and just be fabulous, while loving and leaving men as I chose.:laugh: Right now, though, the prospect of sharing life with someone actually does sound good and I feel the ovary ache when I see babies and I'm like 😱 :laugh:

I read a book where the author said most people just want someone to bear witness to their lives. Someone who at the end of it all can say "I knew this person, I shared my life with this person, this is what we made together and it is beautiful. I am glad I chose this person." To have someone who can say "I came from this person and I am proud of my lineage" The older I get, the more this resonates with me.


As hard as it might seem, try not to stress about it too much. Again, live and enjoy your life. Do what you can to meet people, even if it means going out of your comfort zone. As you rightly said, what's the point to life if not to live it?
 
Oh, I have no problem with LDRs. But the only way to make one now is online and I don't think most people online are very amenable to starting relationships with random people at a long distance. I actually have in the past tried to get nurses to introduce me to other nurses they know, but apparently the female point of view is basically "whoever is single is a good match." (Unless they were trying to tell me that I'm a bad catch, too, ha ha.)
 
ruralsurg4now said:
Oh, I have no problem with LDRs. But the only way to make one now is online and I don't think most people online are very amenable to starting relationships with random people at a long distance. I actually have in the past tried to get nurses to introduce me to other nurses they know, but apparently the female point of view is basically "whoever is single is a good match." (Unless they were trying to tell me that I'm a bad catch, too, ha ha.)
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Don't be a downer 😀

Online dating is not for everybody, true. Personally I have lost my faith in it for the most part, but in all honesty it does provide access to many people looking for the same things as you, but who may not be able to go out and be social butterflies. (That's why I joined lol) I think online dating could work if you take it offline as soon as possible. Basically, itis a conduit to meeting women, but the dating part of it will involve meeting up as often as you both can manage, as well as the tech dependent communication. How close is your town to nearby bigger towns and cities? You could look into women in the surrounding area. Also, I would avoid the free dating sites. I feel like someone willing to put some money into exclusivity has a better idea what they are looking for and would not beat around the bush. But that's just my opinion

In any case, putting yourself out there however you can is what is important. The wider you cast the net, the more variety you encounter, the likelier you are to find what you are looking for. 😉

How well do your nurse friends know you? I think the likelihood of them matching you up with just about anybody increases if they don't know you very well. (I guess this is why some societies rely on parents and friends) :laugh:
 
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Freesia88 said:
How well do your nurse friends know you? I think the likelihood of them matching you up with just about anybody increases if they don't know you very well. (I guess this is why some societies rely on parents and friends) :laugh:
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Um, I guess not very well? I mean, we get along very well and are always making fun of each other, but I don't really have any deep convserations with them or anything. But they were trying to get me involved with women who were like 15 years older than me on the basis that "she can cook well." I was like "uh ...I'd prefer a horrible cook who wasn't that old." :meanie:
 
ruralsurg4now said:
Um, I guess not very well? I mean, we get along very well and are always making fun of each other, but I don't really have any deep convserations with them or anything. But they were trying to get me involved with women who were like 15 years older than me on the basis that "she can cook well." I was like "uh ...I'd prefer a horrible cook who wasn't that old." :meanie:
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🤣 Must be a really small town you are in.

Ya,I wouldn't trust people who didn't know me to set me up with anyone. Way to much potential for awkwardness.
 
Freesia88 said:
🤣 Must be a really small town you are in.

Ya,I wouldn't trust people who didn't know me to set me up with anyone. Way to much potential for awkwardness.
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Oh, it's actually worse, that happened when I was in the suburb of a large city. The thing is, even in a very large, metropolitan city, if you live in the suburbs it's really a dating nightmare. There were a lot of divorced women who had kids and, even though they were all very attractive and stayed in shape, it really was like they were giving off the "I gotta get someone to help me raise these kids" vibe. Not to change the subject, but I felt so sad around them. One thing I've never understood is how people can say they love each other so much and then it turns out they don't even like each other. Some of these women had three kids and I was like "wow, what happened there?" *sigh* 🙁
 
ruralsurg4now said:
Oh, it's actually worse, that happened when I was in the suburb of a large city. The thing is, even in a very large, metropolitan city, if you live in the suburbs it's really a dating nightmare. There were a lot of divorced women who had kids and, even though they were all very attractive and stayed in shape, it really was like they were giving off the "I gotta get someone to help me raise these kids" vibe. Not to change the subject, but I felt so sad around them. One thing I've never understood is how people can say they love each other so much and then it turns out they don't even like each other. Some of these women had three kids and I was like "wow, what happened there?" *sigh* 🙁
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Dude, I live 20 minutes from one of the largest cities in the US. I feel your pain.

Dating a divorcee with kids is tricky. I dated a guy once who had kids and while we got along very well, things never quite clicked between me and his kids and ultimately he had to place their welfare at the top of his priority list.

Divorce sucks. When there's kids involved, it sucks sweaty hairy balls. There is no other way to put it. My parents don't necessarily have a "happy marriage" but I am ever so grateful to them that they have stuck it out so far.
 
Freesia88 said:
Dude, I live 20 minutes from one of the largest cities in the US. I feel your pain.
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A lot of it was me being naive. I did things all wrong. Most "normal" people live in a big city (meaning "in" and not "near") when they're young and then move to the 'burbs after marriage. I know that in my head, but I still never wanted to live in a big city. The cost, little things like traffic or even getting parking, and that kind of thing really didn't appeal to me. So I lived out in the suburbs where I felt comfortable. I was used to it because I grew up in that environment. Well, there's nobody there but single moms. 🙁 And now, irony of ironies, years later now I'm like "OK, now I have to drive to the largest city (and it's not even that big) near me as often as possible just so I can have a shot." That's the part that really makes me angry with myself, although that doesn't really accomplish much.
 
ruralsurg4now said:
A lot of it was me being naive. I did things all wrong. Most "normal" people live in a big city (meaning "in" and not "near") when they're young and then move to the 'burbs after marriage. I know that in my head, but I still never wanted to live in a big city. The cost, little things like traffic or even getting parking, and that kind of thing really didn't appeal to me. So I lived out in the suburbs where I felt comfortable. I was used to it because I grew up in that environment. Well, there's nobody there but single moms. 🙁 And now, irony of ironies, years later now I'm like "OK, now I have to drive to the largest city (and it's not even that big) near me as often as possible just so I can have a shot." That's the part that really makes me angry with myself, although that doesn't really accomplish much.
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There is no formula. I don't think I could live in a big city and I'm currently in my 20's. It's close enough for me to go do stuff in and leave behind at the end of the day. I like the peace and quiet of the burbs. Sure, I don't meet a whole lot of guys in the burbs but I don't think I would exchange the savings, security and quiet for anything. Between family,friends work, school and up until recently online dating, something is bound to come up. Meanwhile I focus on living.

You made the choices that made sense to you at the time. You'll make the choices that will work for you now. Keep your head up and give it due time. This is after all a life partner you are seeking. Better late than half assed.
 
Thanks for the words of encouragement! Actually, just being able to talk to people online about it made me feel better. I've been feeling way in the dumps over it recently.
 
OK, I might, but not tonight. 🙂

Plus, as you can tell, I'm very used to chatting online. I sorta don't want to find another thing to occupy me so that I turn into the guy who just chats online instead of meeting people. Gotta focus on the real world!!! 🙂
 
ruralsurg4now said:
OK, I might, but not tonight. 🙂

Plus, as you can tell, I'm very used to chatting online. I sorta don't want to find another thing to occupy me so that I turn into the guy who just chats online instead of meeting people. Gotta focus on the real world!!! 🙂
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I actually chuckled when I posted that. Online and real are pretty much the same, nowadays though . If anything it's some where to blow off some steam. And you're not gonna be out making the ladies swoon all evenings. 😀
 
Freesia88 said:
I actually chuckled when I posted that. Online and real are pretty much the same, nowadays though . If anything it's some where to blow off some steam. And you're not gonna be out making the ladies swoon all evenings. 😀
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Those are called recovery days. :meanie:
 
ruralsurg4now said:
Those are called recovery days. :meanie:
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Preview
 
Yeah, but if you met me in real life I do an excellent impression of Hellen Keller.
 
ruralsurg4now said:
Yeah, but if you met me in real life I do an excellent impression of Hellen Keller.
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You mean you take on the persona of a dead/blind women's rights activist? 😱
That must make for interesting encounters. :meanie:


On a serious note though, I have times in social situations where I am not sure what to say or how to act, either. Between cultural differences and that fact that I grew up a little sheltered, I have a hard time fitting into a social context where being larger than life and fun and a glittery social butterfly, who always has the perfect repartee, the quick joke, interesting, smart, suave etc etc is valued.

I have found that asking people questions about themselves and listening to what they say and being genuinely curious about them is a wonderful way to shake off shyness. Most people LOVE to talk about themselves and will inevitably ask you about yourself. Voila! Conversation 😀
 
Welcome to the forum! Check your PM inbox.
 
ruralsurg4now said:
Thanks, Freesia, for your thoughts. The place I'm moving to isn't really considered part of the Midwest. It's along the Appalachians (i.e., hillbilly country). I'm not planning on staying here, but I unfortunately sort of need to work there for now. However, I agree with you that it would definitely be something I'd need to take into consideration.

I do plan on moving as soon as I can, but realistically speaking it would be 2-3 years or so and by then I'll be around 40 and that really scares me! Unfortunately, having spent a lot of my life studying or in training, even though I'm "old" age-wise, I'm still pretty young inside. I don't think a lot of non-physicians appreciate or understand that. This isn't meant to offend anyone, but a non-physician in their 40s has probably lived a pretty full life, whether married or not. They've probably been working for a while and they've been living their life and not just hitting the books. (I know lawyers may feel like that, too.) So even though 40 doesn't mean much to me personally, I'm sure it will scare off a lot of women below the age of, say, 32.

My closest friends are Indian and, yeah, even though they were as studious and introverted as me, when they faced this situation they basically just called home and were immediately set up with a number of Indian women. I don't think I could do that even if I had the option, though. I have a VERY small family network (it's basically just me and my mom by now) and my friends basically only know married people. Plus, since I knew them from med school, they're all scattered all over the place, but nobody near me.

With regards to staying single, I know what you mean. Basically, studies show that if you've been single long enough, you get used to that and don't feel the need to be in a relationship. For me, that was always the case in residency and med school and even in college. I never really stressed about it and I was always so busy -- even if that was just goofing off like a nerd and playing video games at home on a Friday night -- that I never had much time to think about it. I think a lot of it comes with seeing that pretty much everyone in my med school class and everyone I know is married. I think I'm also coming to the point in my life where I'm sort of wondering about what the point of it is -- I mean, not to turn this too philosophical, but if we're just here to grow up and work, I'd feel sort of empty. As I've gotten older, I'm much more interested in having a kid and watching him or her grow up, you know? (I apologize if that sounds sappy or stupid.)

Thanks for your reply!
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Solution: date an Indian girl. I've heard theyre awesome. 😎
 
Yeah! But there aren't a lot of Indian people in the Appalachians, last time I checked.
 
ruralsurg4now said:
Yeah! But there aren't a lot of Indian people in the Appalachians, last time I checked.
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That was tongue in cheek! I keep thinking of this episode of Anthony Bourdain where he went to some town in that area and ate Squirrel pot pie.

Edit: That was the Ozarks. Hmm. I wonder what exotic recipes are in the Appalachians.
 
I think they just moonshine and grow pot around here.
 
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