I'm concerned about my husband's residency (but for a different reason). He's an older student and we have two children. Right now he's caught up in the whirl of residency interviews and what is the best program, etc., but I'm concerned that he's not putting enough weight on the amount of time he'll get to spend with our kids.
What if he has to work so much during his residency that he never gets to see them? That will definitely cause a nervous breakdown.
Does anyone have experience? Finding the most family-friendly program is only part of the issue; the other part is just the missing of family life. I'm scared it will be something he regrets forever. Help?
There really isn't any such thing as a "family-friendly" program, in the sense that you're referring to. There are "family-friendly"
specialties - i.e. specialties that allow for more free time (such as pathology, dermatology, anesthesiology to an extent, etc.). But, for instance, there is no such thing as a "family friendly" neurosurgery program -
ALL neurosurgery programs are going to be very demanding and very time-consuming.
(When people talk about "family friendly" programs, they generally use the phrase to refer to programs where most of the residents and attendings have families as well. This is in contrast to programs where most of the residents tend to be single and/or casually dating.)
All residency programs within a certain specialty tend to have similar time requirements. For example, every general surgery residency program is going to require 80-90 hours per week, whether or not that program is in Maine or in California.
While I understand that you're worried (and it's certainly a justifiable worry) - please try to understand where your husband is coming from. He is not just trying to find a "job," he is trying to best prepare himself for a career that he will probably practice for the rest of his life.
I am sorry to have to say this, but his happiness in residency will depend, in part, upon you. You'll have to be more organized - spontaneous road-trips on the weekends are no longer going to be feasible. You'll also, at the same time, have to be flexible - patients are unpredictable, and there may be an emergency that he will have to deal with half an hour before he was supposed to leave.
While I am not married, I believe that open communication between you and your spouse is VERY important. So instead of asking an internet forum (full of strangers) what they think, I think that sitting down and talking to your husband about the challenges in the future would be more important. Your husband, having gone through some demanding rotations as a third year, has (at least) a tiny inkling of how much time he is going to be able to spend at home. He may have thought about this, and may be able to offer you some reassurance.
If you can't maintain open communication
now, at this stage in the game, your marriage may not last during residency.
I would also carefully and objectively read
Tired's excellent (if somewhat blunt) post. I know that you definitely need to consider your own needs, and the needs of your children, but your husband will be under a lot of stress - he will need you to be supportive.
