what can I do to make this easier for my husband?

[rachmoninov3]

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I'm starting medical school this fall. What can I do to make this entire thing easier for my husband? I'd like to hear from medstudent spouses of what things to do and not to do.

thanks in advance.

 

[umza]

I am a PGY1 Resident and started school 4 years ago with my husband and 18 month old son. It has been a long four years, and my husband has been very supportive of my throughout this time. Don't get me wrong, there have been times that he has called me a bad roommate, but I always get around to doing my share, which is a huge change from before med school, when my house was compulsively clean. My priorities of having a clean house with all the chores up to date has been dropped in favor of passing my exams. The clinical year, especially the third year, was quite difficult in its unpredictability. We had to do some juggling with childcare, handoffs, and sleeping adjustments, to account for postcall days and throughout this time, my husband and my son, now 5.5, have been very understanding and have allowed me the time and space to study. What I needed to do for the first two years, and a good part of third year, was fall asleep when I put my son to bed, about 8 pm, and then wake to the alarm at 3.30 or 4 am and study until everybody woke up and it was time to start the day. The best attitude for a spouse to have is that the student is doing this for the good of the family's future. Everyone plays a role in making this successful and nobody's role is unimportant (also very good for the student to remember). Around exam times we became "strangers" due to the odd hours and intense studying, but we always saved some special time to be together without the child around.
Good Luck and make sure you always take time to show your partner you appreciate them.😍

 

[Flynn]

Hello -- I'm new here but have BTDT. My husband is a CT surgeon and we're about to start our second year out of training. We've been together for 13 years -- married for 9.

I think one area that you can never stress too much to your spouse is medicine is a JOB -- your spouse is your life.

Medicine requires focus and dedication to be good at what you do, however, this can easily fall into being very self-involved for the doc or doc in training. It's a fine line. Good luck!

 

[Sweenracer]

Do not:

Blame your husband when he turns your white pants pink or shrinks your blouse because he is forced to do your laundry because he's tired of looking at your pile of stinky laundry.

Blame your husband when he makes plans without you because he just assumes you will be working ALL the time.

Blame your husband for not buying the type of cereal you want, or ice cream, or scent of freakin' fabric softener... if he goes shopping, he buys what he wants.

Complain about having spaghetti for dinner again... you're lucky you have someone to cook for you... and unless your husband is a gourmet, you may be in for a lot of speghetti and tacos.

Complain that he has picked up new hobbies, such as video games, computer games, playing guitar in a band, watching football, going drinking with buddies... he needs to do something when you're not there.

Complain about his porn stash... once again, he needs to do something when you're not there. And porn is better than cheating.

Have kids, unless your husband really really loves you and is willing to become Mr. Mom.


Do:

Make plans with your husband when you actually have a night off instead of going out with the other interns or going out for a girls night out. Or at least invite him to go with you.

Have a drink when you get home and vent before taking it out on your husband.

Compliment how well your husband is keeping up on all the cleaning and cooking.

Provide rewards for dealing with your stressed out attitude. Stripteases and BJ's worked best for me.


🙂 These are just a few that I can pass on... and I speak from experience. 🙂

 

[Jejton]

Wow someone sounds bitter...

 

[Sweenracer]

Naa, not really bitter, more of a joke... I have a sense of humor about these things now... but most of those items stems from an actual argument that I had with my wife.... except the one about the porn 🙂

 

[bkpa2med]

stripteases and bjs ... how can some1 go wrong lol

 

[PeepshowJohnny]

I'm a med student, but I've got an interesting story.

When a friend of mine entered med school, her parents bought her husband an X-Box out of nowhere because they thought he'd be bored without her and needed something to pass the time. Pretty generous of them.

 

[Tired]

New intern. Here's what has worked with my wife:

1) Always make it clear that when you vent, you're just blowing off steam, and not actually as unhappy as you sound

2) When you take things out on him (which you will), immediately recognize it, appologize, and try not to make that a habit

3) If you make plans, keep them unless it is an absolute emergency. Do not cancel dinner plans or "date night" just because you think you need to study more. The books will still be there tomorrow, but your spouse might not be.

4) Keep him up to date on your schedule, including exams and required lectures/labs. Make a calender so he can refer to it. That way he won't be suprised when big school things come up.

5) Study at home, not at school and the library. My wife, at least, appreciated it when I was around physically, even if absorbed in work. Make a quiet area away from the TV, or learn to tune it out.

6) If you do anything social with classmates, make sure your spouse is included, or don't go. With all the time you will spend studying with classmates, going solo to social events will only make him worry you're "moving on".

7) Don't forget to tell him how crucial his support is to your success. He's going to feel like an outsider while you do all your "important" work, so he needs to know that you rely on him and he's part of the process too.

8) No matter how tired you are, make time for sex at a reasonable frequency. I'm a guy, and I made this mistake for some months. Stupid. There is no better way to alienate your spouse or make them feel unloved than suddenly dropping sex from your relationship.

 

[LADoc00]

Im fairly convinced no marriages survive med school, let alone that and residency/fellowships.

Good luck. Maybe hire him an attorney?

 

[Tired]

Im fairly convinced no marriages survive med school, let alone that and residency/fellowships.

Good luck. Maybe hire him an attorney?

Very nice.

I'll say hi to your ex.

😀

 

[Vasity]

....You can still have a life. Being a doctor or learning (school) is just a job. You got home hours. My advice straight from phsycology. 🙂


Don't worry about it, explain to your husband that you are not going to have all the time in the world. But you will set a side a time for him.

This would make it easier, and show your husband you value his time as well, just saying hi/bye in the morning and at night (or goodnight) is not enough converstation for a good marriage to last. =)

 

[rachmoninov3]

Thanks for all the advice. In all honesty, I've been working 48hours/week while going to school before medical school...I'm hoping now that I can just study and spend my time cooking and cleaning, and being a better wife as far as domestic stuff goes than I've been in the past.
I'm nievely hoping that I can keep my non-school extra-curricular activities to 4: my husband, running, cooking and cleaning.

 

[psipsina]

I'm nievely hoping that I can keep my non-school extra-curricular activities to 4: my husband, running, cooking and cleaning.

Lol, the cooking and cleaning will probably have to go out the window around test time but otherwise sounds doable 😀

The biggest thing is to make your marriage your priority, have a realistic conversation about how sometimes medschool will have to come first but that you will alway be working to make this work for the two of you.

Here are some of the things I did with my husband:

I study at home, whenever I take a break it means I can cuddle with him on the couch, or eat dinner with him etc . . . I'm a little left out of the social scene at medschool because of this but I prioritized my husband.

I bring my husband to post-test parties and other events instead of going by myself.

I bought him a xbox360 at the beginning of first semester as a surprise, it helped him cope with suddenly being ignored much of the time as he had a new and exciting toy . . . whenever the novelty wears off I buy him a new game, it sounds cheesy but it really helps.

I let my husband know when I'm going to be in "the week before an exam freekout mode" during which I won't notice his presence or absence much of the time, he knows he can make plans with friends for much of his free time that week to get him out of the house which reduces the chances of me taking my stress out on him. He also knows that in this time he is responsible for making sure I eat and he takes over the care of our cats.

My husband hadn't really been much of a cleaner before medschool. I'm a big perfectionist and my house always had to be just so, so I did it my way. Well there is no way in heck that I can maintain my house even to non gross standards on my own anymore and DH had to start to help, but he had no clue what to do. We made a cheesy cleaning schedule and put it up on the refrigerator, it splits up the chores between us and lets him know what he needs to do in small manageable tasks instead of me yelling "why haven't you cleaned the house!!". It also lets him know things he can do for me during pre-test freak out mode since he can see all my chores too. I also don't freak on him if it isn't done my way, if its that big of a deal I do it myself again (the idea of doing it myself usually makes me realize its not really that big of a deal).

We have a scheduled date night every week that is only ever canceled if its in pre-test week. On this date medschool is taboo, not to be mentioned. This guarantees that we are spending quality time together even if its just making dinner together and watching a movie. I also make an effort to remain physical with him, sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own stress that you could go a whole day without making a move or giving a hug etc, I make sure that some of my study breaks are devoted to making him feel good too instead of all being about poor stressed out me.

At the end of first year my husband told me that this year hasn't been nearly as awful as he had feared it would be and thanked me for all the effort I had made. Its not all smooth sailing and you will screw up and be a jerk, and he will too, but if you put the effort in you can make it through.

 

[Ol Jock 99]

Im fairly convinced no marriages survive med school, let alone that and residency/fellowships.

Sorry to bust your bubble, but we survived med school and just started year 5 of 5 in Rad Onc (she's the doc) and still going strong!!!

I've been working 48hours/week while going to school before medical school.

You'll be doing A LOT more in med school. Just an FYI.

One thing my wife did that made our lives better was to choose NOT to study 24/7, like a lot of her classmates did.

 

[Sweenracer]

At the end of first year my husband told me that this year hasn't been nearly as awful as he had feared it would be and thanked me for all the effort I had made. Its not all smooth sailing and you will screw up and be a jerk, and he will too, but if you put the effort in you can make it through.

It would be easy for me too if I didn't have a two year old... I am a guy, and it may be a lot to ask your husband to clean more... or make dinner... but it's NOT. That is easy. But taking care of an infant or toddler... that is not easy for a guy to get used to... Having kids is the tough part. That is the real test for your husbands... Is he ready to be a mommy?

 

[spospo]

okay, so i am not really asking how to make it easier for a husband but rather for a boyfriend. he isn't going to be moving down with me right away because he wants to give me a chance to get into the groove of things without worrying about us spending time together. the more we talk about it, the more it sounds like we may be doing long distance for more than just a few months. nothing is set in stone though. we keep telling ourselves just to roll with it. he just got his masters in education but has yet to get a job (has applied to schools near my new school but hasn't heard anything). he is very hesitant to move out of the state where he has lived his whole life, especially for a girl (totally understandable i think). i have always been great at the whole balancing act thing: full time undergrad, 20+ hours of basketball practice (which feels like more than 40hrs of a desk job) a week, 10+ hours of work a week, volunteering, relationship (not same guy), and living on my own (and all that entails with cooking and cleaning). i am not trying to impress with all of this; i am just saying that the balancing itself at this moment doesn't seem like it will be an issue. enough with the life story here; my questions -- anyone with tips on how to make long distance easier? we have talked about it a lot and both know that it requires a lot of trust -- anyone have experience with being long distance and then living in the same place? i have known people who have done this (undergrad) and they ended up fighting all the time and breaking up. i just want tips on how to avoid that.

i am leaving in less than 3 weeks and we are both getting a little nervous about it. sorry about the long post, but any advice woud be greatly appreciated. thanks!!

 

[Joy123]

As a wife of a 3rd year student my advice is simple. Be patient, supportive, listen and above all love him. I know this sounds pretty basic, but I think a lot of relationships suffer because this advice is not followed.

My husband and I have been married 7 years and we have a 2 1/2 yr. old. We both have difficult schedules, but we make a point to always spend time together and to say I love you everyday. Time is extremely limited, so we incorporate his studying or a project from my job into spending time together. I have become quite fluent in medical jargon.

Medical school is not easy. You will want to kill him at times and you may want to cry yourself to sleep from time to time. Keep your chin up and always smile. This will get you through the days.

Before my husband went back to school I jokingly wrote on a napkin my pledge, or contract that i would be supportive and not complain about school. It was funny, and every now and then when we do get in an argument about schedules he pulls out that napkin. It always makes us laugh and we stop arguing.

Don't worry so much about housework and cooking. I work a full time job and have a little one destroying everything. I am not Suzie Homemaker. I cook 4-5 things and thats it. I hate laundry and hate cleaning. Hire a maid, become good at making those 20 min. meals and your lives will be much easier. One more thing, paper plates are the way to go.

Good luck!!!

 

[Skelfie]

It's great to read all this advice -- Thanks, everyone!

We're not married yet, but have been together 6 years and living together almost as long. My s.o. can't move with me since he owns his own business and has local employees, and all of his clients are here in L.A. Hence, we're going to be doing semi-long distance (~2-3 hours away) for four years -- aargh! We decided together that this was the best and I think we'll be okay just seeing each other on weekends since we're both workaholics and will be super busy during the week anyway. But I still worry -- I know that things will be difficult, and that third year is going to be bad because of my schedule.

Has anyone around here been in this sort of situation (meaning: four years of long-distance) and navigated it successfully? I'd especially like to hear from spouses/partners of med students so I'll have an idea of what to expect my s.o. to be going through...