What can you expect?

[Mixster]

What can you expect from a med student in a relationship? Is the answer "nothing"? My boyfriend and i have been doing the LDR thing for almost a year now. (together 2.5) i usually am the one to go see him once or twice a month. he's been down twice... once during his winter break and once two weeks ago. he came down two weeks ago at my urging, because i'd just had to travel across country to see a friend in the hospital, and knew that we wouldn't be able to see each other for 2.5 months if he DIDN'T come down. it was right after an exam and he didnt have much work to do. He came down, but not without complaining about the price of the ticket (which i ended up pitching in on) and not without (still) complaining how he couldn't get much work done... fine. but he told me he didn't HAVE much work, otherwise i wouldn't have asked him to come down. not to mention the number of saturday evening i talk to him when he says "man, i just didn't get any work done today!" am i kidding myself to think that an average med student can't make sacrifices like this, or is he telling me he just doesn't feel i'm a priority? I don't expect to be a priority over studying...but he does tons of other stuff (goes out, plays in two soccer leagues, surfs, writes for the school newspaper, etc...) is it asking too much for him to budget his time differently to fit me in without griping about it? I'm thinking of moving up to be closer to him... but his attitude is giving me pause.

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[mshheaddoc]

With good reason you can pause, honestly if he's not in it and using school as an excuse I might consider revamping your priorities either. Just from someone who's been there and done that with people from all walks of life. If someone isn't in a relationship fully they aren't willing to make sacrifices to keep the relationship going. Yes first year is extremely hard, but if my bf would gripe to me all the time about coming to visit me I'd move on. Then again, when I was 24-25 I probably wouldn't have but time has made me cynical of relationships.

I'd let him know exactly how I feel but don't place any blame and just ask him if he's still in it or if he'd be ok with the option of dating others if he doesn't have time. You could still date and not be exclusive. Space has helped a few relationships that I know of during school. My boyfriend/financee/husband made time for me for school, although I had to fly out to see him, I knew he was in it 100%. Money isn't an issue with love, that flight is a drop in the bucket compared to his education.

 

[Constellation]

Yeah I hate to be a downer, but it sounds like he's the problem, not med school. If he was really in the relationship fully, he'd scale back on the soccer leagues, going out, etc. and find time for you. Period.

 

[happygirl3]

Yeah I hate to be a downer, but it sounds like he's the problem, not med school. If he was really in the relationship fully, he'd scale back on the soccer leagues, going out, etc. and find time for you. Period.

I agree with this, as sad as it sounds. Also, think about the future, when he will be a resident etc. If he cannot/does not want to make time for your relationship now, he won't do it later when things get tougher . Make compromises, but don't compromise everything...

 

[beannaithe]

Yeah I hate to be a downer, but it sounds like he's the problem, not med school. If he was really in the relationship fully, he'd scale back on the soccer leagues, going out, etc. and find time for you. Period.

I hate to agree with this, but I kind of have to. It sounds kind of like he's either not fully in the relationship or he's expecting you to do all of the work for him. I think you need to sit down and talk ith him about it because it only gets worse after second year, so he needs to start making sacrifices. Have you asked him to scale back the clubs and everything and make the trip out to see you more often?

I'm a D2 and I've been doing an LDR for all of it....when we started my boyfriend and I worked out an agreement that I'd do all the traveling first year, he'd travel second year and we'd split the time until I got done. It was hard and I missed out on a lot 1st year, but at the end of the year, it was worth it.

I just think you need to have a talk with your boyfriend about it...because the longer you do all the work in the relationship, the more upset it will make you and when it gets too hard for him to come visit, you'll be more frustrated then you would have been if he were traveling.

But if you're thinking about moving out there to be with him, be sure you think about it and make sure you figure out what his deal is. (ie - Is he just really excited to be in med school and doing all of his things and not noticing that he's doing what he's dong to you? Or is he doing it intentionally?)

 

[xanthines]

Just to re-iterate the consensus, it sounds like something is up and it isn't good. Sure med school can be hell at times, but unless he's struggling to keep his head above water, there's plenty of time to visit (well, at least more than he's doing now). I'm in an MD/PhD program where I go take grad school classes after being in med school classes and I still find time to visit roughly once every two months (she comes to me, the other months).

Frankly, he's being an @$$ and might need to be called out on it. If he's into the relationship he'll get his act together (or at least give you a satisfactory explanation). If not, then it's better to find out now than drag it out.

Best of luck!

-X